Thursday, 11 March 2010

Dirty protests

This week I got shat on.

‘Shitted on’ perhaps, in the quest for grammatical accuracy, but the result is the same. Mango regularly chooses to shite the hand that cleans her.

She’s developed a penchant for waiting for the fresh March air to caress her delicate posterior before releasing her recycled mustard. Many an innocent fresh nappy has fallen victim to this underhanded approach to bowel movements, never to realise their destiny as fully fledged infant cheek protection, brave backside soldiers felled on the path to the battlefield.

These changing events are not complete without Mango engaging in a celebratory dance, trampling her tiny bare feet in her freshly liberated excrement. This, startlingly, is a fact I have forgotten on more than one occasion when overcome by the urge to have a nibble on her toes.

Eat shit daddy.

It seems she might also be taking some exception to the Irish nationality being imposed upon her, with ET’s attempts to have a passport photograph taken not proving fruitful.

The problem is essentially one of logistics.

The photographer’s shop is 3 minutes walk away. 3 minutes walk in the fresh air is sufficient to send Mango into a sleep so deep that she can only be awakened by a hundred years of forest growth and a prince’s kiss, or the sound of a sleeping father. A sleeping baby does not make for an acceptable passport photograph. An unacceptable passport photograph does not make for a successful passport application, and an unsuccessful passport application rarely results in a passport being issued.

Her birth saw the downfall of her adopted government, and I suspect she’s now set her mind to some form of infantile declaration of jihad against the government of her homeland.

Mango’s militia.

33 comments:

tysdaddy said...

I am told that I used to pee on my grandmother quite regularly. Apparently, all that fresh air primes the pump.

Now for the big question: Have you experienced projectile vomit yet? That'll rock your world . . .

Corkmum said...

or wait for projectile poo! I confess I took some photos the first time by daughter expelled poo with such force that it sent a lovely mustard shower across the air and landed on the only carpet in the entire house!! Oh the innocent bliss of the first few weeks..

Heather said...

My first wasn't a 'fresh air pooper', but the new baby sure was in the first few weeks. One particular episode sprayed the mustard goo on nearly every surface in her room. My five year old just looked on in amazement and said, "I'm glad I'm not the mom. I don't wanna clean that up..."

Welcome to parenthood. Even with the spewing of disgusting goo, it is awesome.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED.

Welcome to the club.

Ed said...

Speed, man. You need to work on speed!

And limb containment. It's an aquired skill.

mammydiaries said...

Oh God! I swear my children have some sort of psychic connection to your blog! First the baby whispering powers of "Iron and Wine" (thanks for that btw!) And just 2 minutes ago as I read your ode to poo, the most ALMIGHTY explosion from the next room where tiny one is taking her nap! The mustard runs thick and plenty my friend..

Sadia said...

Just wait until the first shit in the bath... I got to go two whole years before experiencing that honour.

Ah passport pictures. Thanks for the reminder. We had ones of the Doodles taken for their US passports (no studio near us will touch the UK ones because of the insane requirements), but have yet to fill out the applications.

AnnB said...

If she managed to bring down the circus that masquerades as a government in Ireland - I would gladly eat her shit myself! Up the Mango Militia!

yuri @ urbanvox HQ said...

Taking TB's Passport photos was THE WORST THING ever....
Not looking forward for thaking Mr. A's... :)

rachelbk said...

I just laugh...and really, you could have ended up with a boy pissing in your eye every chance he gets in addition to the shatting.

Jenni said...

Mango's militia. Neither nappies or nations stand a chance.

Russ said...

You'll learn. Hold her ankles with one hand while you smooth the new nappy under her.

I've found that if you just open the diaper and wait a moment, she'll go one more time in the old nappy. (at least mine played along with that.)

Rebecca said...

peed on by both kids several times, but never pooed on. good luck

Kim (frogpondsrock) said...

Hehe the first time a projectile poo shot across the room and landed on the freshly washed and folded laundry was the beginning of a steep learning curve. I soon learned to block the flying trail of shit with my body.

tomi said...

Momo did that to me thrice and now i've learnt to wait 10 minutes after i think she's done one before attempting to change her.

or i leave it to DH if he's awake ;)

Rad said...

She sounds pretty normal, unfortunately babies love to spew out that wonderful mustard everywhere. That should NOT be normal, but it totally is!

I laughed out loud so many times when reading this. You are too funny!

People in the Sun said...

Coincidentally, the act of pooping on someone's face is actually called A Dutch Mango!

janegoth said...

At least once they are on solids the poo looses it's yoghurty consistency and you can catch and contain it with a wet wipe.

Steve said...

On the up side, I always found the yeasty smell of new babies mustardy poo quite unoffensive, in fact a lot like fresh bread.

Unlike the same area two years on when potty training goes wrong!

areyoukiddingme said...

Glad to hear that you're changing the diapers! Everyone claims that boys will spray you, but beware...girls can do it too. And, since you don't expect it, you just stand there in shock.

Can't wait to see what government Mango's militia decides to overthrow next!

Ms. Moon said...

Ah lah. I was peed on today myself. And cleaned up two poops. My grandson was quite active.
Part of the cost of doing business with these little children, I'm afraid.
As to the passport photo- I already gave you my best advice. Sing! Papa! Sing! Or, just play her a little Black Sabbath.

Missives From Suburbia said...

Go, Mango!!

livingrightnow said...

I giggled so loud that my partner came in he room to see what I was laughing at!

-Tanya

River said...

I've shared this post with a couple of visiting friends. There's a real chuckle fest going on over here.

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

heh.

She pooed on you.

Heh heh.

steph said...

I'm still chortling!

"celebratory dance" LOL

Gail said...

Hahahahahaha - that'll learn yer!

It's the same curve as putting on her clothes, or changing a duvet cover - you'll soon learn the tricks of the trade.

Jo said...

Funny funny :)

Karen MEG said...

You're going to be eating a lot of shit, Daddy (metaphorically speaking, of course ;).

And yes, as others have pointed out, you haven't lived until you've experienced projectile vomit or poop. It's freakin' spectacular.

I'm loving this part of your journey, though. Yeah, even the excrement part -because I'm glad that I'm finally done with the diapers!

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

looking forward to when you are at work and you absent-mindedly bite your nails and are all 'hey, I didn't eat mustard! Wait. Oh God...'

Irish Mammy said...

The passport photos of my little ones are so cute they are only a few days old and squishy. They completely change and how they get through controls with their baby passports still amazes me. Trying gently blowing in her face to make her eyes open? I had to go away twice and return to the shop when he was more awake. Trial and error!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@tysdaddy - she ain't got no pump though...

@Corkmum - photos... er I'll pass.

@Heather - heh heh

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - meh

@Ed - I can hardly contain my own

@mammydiaries - spooky!

@Sadia - hahah, nice.

@AnnB - More cop on than Mary Harney

@yuri @ urbanvox HQ - heh, good luck

@rachelbk - it's enough!

@Jenni - hehe

@Russ - she has her own rules

@Rebecca - how'd you manage to get away with that.

@Kim (frogpondsrock) - take one for the team

@tomi - that's cheating

@Rad - heh, thanks, I think.

@People in the Sun - I really hope that's true.

@janegoth - 'catch' it...?

@Steve - oh lovely...

@areyoukiddingme - what else am I supposed to do with them?

@Ms. Moon - oh that husband of yours...

@Missives From Suburbia - heh

@livingrightnow - he thought it was porn

@River - You need to break out a bottle or two of win I think ;-)

@tiff(threeringcircus) - heh yourself ;-)

@steph - that's exactly what it is!

@Gail - her clothes wont fit me...

@Jo - heh...

@Karen MEG - hmmmmmmm

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - I hate mustard.

@Irish Mammy - finally got one done, not at the first attempt...

Chelsea Lietz said...

I hear ya! perhaps we should change diapers only after donning our protective plastic aprons?