Monday, 9 February 2009

Clear as mucky mind mud

You people are so very, very mucky and freaky, and I do love it so. I really should have just asked for those super tips months earlier.

Of course, as you all gave slightly varying tales of the methods you used for conceptual success, it would be impossible to try them all in one lifetime. I have therefore had to mould them into one foolproof method.

Baring that in mind, here is our plan of attack for this month, based solely on your input.

Firstly we need a head to toe lace body suit, I'm not sure if this was intended for the me or her, so two are on order.

ET needs to nag me, this may require intensive training. She must nag me something woeful until I freak out and offer to shag her out of the goodness of my heart.

We then need to have sex on the stairs, doggy style.

The problem there is that it is essential we try to not to get caught. I really should post a picture of our stairs to illustrate that we certainly would get caught, by the fire brigade who would have to come and cut us free from the sweaty semen dripping spiral mangled mess that would surely ensue.

All the while my shoes should be under ET's side of the bed.

Of course we would need refreshments, with the beverages of choice seemingly being 8 bottles of red wine and a bucket of margarita, preferably provided by the in-laws. Hers or mine, I'm not certain.

For an extra push to send the boys that extra mile, or inch, ET should have her pelvis realigned, go on the pill, go off the pill, sign up for adoption seminars, and smoke some dope. All this and the subsequent ├╝ber shagging should be done under the watchful gaze of some Jehovah's witnesses, with my in-law's ears pressed up against the key hole trying to decipher our grunts over Jay and Silent Bob on the telly.

I do question the use of a movie featuring a mute to drown out sex noises though.

We'll have to make sure our passports are valid as this marathon knobbing festival will be like 'Live Aid', taking place all over the planet in Turkey, Eastbourne, some random lighthouse keeper's lodge, and in the in-law's basement.

They don't actually have a basement, but they do have a garage where they keep the beer, which would do nicely. Killing two birds, with one bone.

All of this, every last bit of it it seems, can be ignored under one circumstance, and one alone. Sex in the teenage single bed.

Unfortunately, as both our teenage beds are in another country, my alternative plan is to redecorate our spare room to be an exact clone of my childhood bedroom.

From the torn Elmer Fudd wallpaper, to the wardrobe whose door never shut, to the Kylie Minogue posters, to the New kids on the block albums, to the tattered underwear section of the 1989 'Family Album' catalog, to the teddy bears who witnessed sights no stuffed animal should ever have to.

I will get the theme tunes of Dallas, Dynasty, and Falcon Crest to waft up the stairs, to warn us we have 30 minutes more. The theme tune to the late evening news will mean it's time to zip up.

The bed will of course, have to have an amplified creak upon every movement, and a plentiful supply of questionable tissues shoved between pillows and mattresses.

All this, will certainly deliver Spencer to the holy grail on this, the twenty fourth time of asking.

P.S. I did have to chuckle at the notion of aiding and abetting 'extra' orgasms, you mean one at Christmas and on her birthday?


50 comments:

RobMonroe said...

"Killing two birds, with one bone."

Might be t-shirt worthy!

Isn't if funny how romantic people are while baby-making? Yikes.

Mick said...

And the point being? You've just described my Friday nights...

Okay, well maybe only the nagging part, but I'm working on it.

"killing two birds with one bone." he he

womb for improvement said...

Back up.

New kids on the block? You've done something I never thought possible, gone down in my estimation.

zakary said...

I think you awesome.

And I heart ALF.

Ms. Moon said...

By the time you have done all of that redecorating and arranging and drinking and nagging and traveling and so forth (you can never find a Jehovah's witness when you need one) ET's egg will have passed along the tubes and down the hatch.
Get busy, XBox!
(By the way, that was an excellent post.)

Jenni said...

I love the description of your childhood bedroom. I had Holly Hobby wallpaper and those same New Kids albums. I also had that ALF doll. In fact, I think I still have him in my attic somewhere. I actaully took him with me to college, although I don't think I should admit to that. At least I left the New Kids albums home.

bsouth said...

Your poor teddy bears.

James said...

With all these great tricks, how can it go wrong this time?? I am having a bucket of Margarita this weekend for you!

Russ said...

two birds with one bone, too much!


Sounds like you have your work cut out for you! Get busy!

The Social Frog said...

Wow, now I see where I have gone wrong!LMAO!

iVegasFamily said...

If it doesn't work out (which I hope it does) you now have the premise for a blockbuster movie. Start penning the script.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

All I will say is this:

If you don't get pregnant after doing ALL that...then I'm sorry, there's just no hope for you ;-)

Great post as usual...

xx

Amanda said...

Bwhahaha ...
there's enough material here to write a book.
...and the title?
"Killing two birds, with one bone" of course.

Amy said...

Ah, my tears of mirth are still flowing... Sounds like a plan, X.
I just feel so terribly sorry for those firemen - I think they will be scarred for life. Even if only by the sight of the pair of you in matching lace bodysuits.

Christa said...

Do you dream about Jordan or Donnie?

Bonnie B. said...

Elmer Fudd wallpaper??? Dude, where can you hook me up?

Kori said...

O.M.F.G.

Lorna said...

Brilliant, hilarious, so well written - nuff said

Veronica said...

I'm curious, on the stairs, should ET's head be facing up or down? Because I mean up would definitely be easier, but down, well then your are utilising gravity (even though the chances of you then toppling down them is quite high).

I'm going to add in the need for orange shagpile carpet :)

Deb said...

The perfect plan. Can't wait to hear how it works out.

Kim said...

Did the stash of tissues in between the mattresses result from the Kylie Minogue posters or the NKOTB posters? Not that I'm judging mind you, Joey made my guess jeans tingle too.

hotmamamia said...

I think there might be a dissertation here.... or at the very least, a great novel!

Sarah said...

NKOTB?! Are you serious? Oh my....I am at a loss for words. Which is rare.

joe said...

Heh, cracking post!

Tanya said...

A fantastic post!!! Do it, just for the sake of it. I bet it works. I'm not joking either.

prayingtodarwin said...

If those teddy bears could talk - I think they might cry. Or have a 3 book deal and a spot on Jerry Springer.

River said...

Busy times ahead for and ET I see..

Dondi Tiples said...

I MISSED this blog!

tiff said...

I SO need Elmer Fudd wallpaper now.

Angel said...

Was there really Elmer Fudd wallpaper??

I will not get the lace body suit image out of my head for a very long time.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@RobMonroe - Jokes aside, it CAN have a positive effect!

@Mick - you SURE she's not Irish?

@womb for improvement - I'm just glad you said 'estimation'

@zakary - I loved him!

@Ms. Moon - busy we shall be!

@Jenni - My Alf was actually a fake...

@bsouth - They got an education, is all.

@James - If you get knocked up again I'll be quite miffed...

@Russ - It's a hard job, but someone...

@The Social Frog - Feel free to use this technique, I'll be charging $99.99 for it soon enough.

@iVegasFamily - CTRL+A, CTRL+C... done!

@~*~Bodhi~*~ - hopeless indeed!

@Amanda - I didn't think that was quite as amusing as it has been found to be!

@Amy - The price they have to pay ;0)

@Christa - Mark, my hero....

@Bonnie B. - just hop into your time machine and head to 1983 Ireland, plentiful!

@Kori - you're shocked, yeah right...

@Lorna - Aw, thanks. I appreciate that

@Veronica - Well it has to be down, surely, otherwise no point in risking your life on the stairs.
And orange shagpile, fun peeling those hairs from your inner thighs afterwards...

@Deb - Well the outcome is less complicated. Misery or delight.

@Kim - Hmmmm, Kylie...

@hotmamamia - hook me up!

@Sarah - finally.

@joe - said the actress to the bishop...

@Tanya - show me the money...

@prayingtodarwin - They have 8 more months of therapy left first.

@River - is it ever any different?

@Dondi Tiples - Welcome back, all well?

@tiff - 'Torn' Elmer Fudd wall paper at that!

@Angel - Yep, with a bugs bunny and coyote thrown in for good measure

Jane G said...

We tried sex in my teenage single bed once, didn't work.

Think we might try christening the car this month, just to spice things up. We could call our first born Audi.

Good luck BTW!

Captain Steve said...

Wooo. New Kids. Really?

Jill said...

The two year mark is what did it for us... under mosquito netting, sick as a dog, with no curtains on our windows...

B said...

"to the Kylie Minogue posters"

One of my friends had one of them, not on his wall or anything. You've just made it sound as odd as having some sort of cleavage shot of the queen... or even older, Madonna

WhatAboutNovember said...

*snicker* *snicker*

Tismee2 said...

You know I'm not one to harp on but it's not just me who thinks you have a decent book in you.

Sounds way too much like hard work to me.

Craig D said...

I'm a little late to the party on this one, but the "Big Lebowski" move really did the trick for us.

"What is that, some sort of yoga?"

"No. It increases the chance of conception."

Honest.

It worked for us.

Now let's go bowling, Dude.

jothemama said...

You're hy-sterical, Xbox ;)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'm still not convinced you're doing it right.

River said...

You might also the back seat of a car at the nearest "lovers lane".

Momma said...

Better comment late than never.....

This post was great, we plan on trying out a few things this weekend what with it being Valentine's day and all. Mostly we will just be empty-nesters as the grandparents are keeping Ace, so we plan to be intoxicated and then proceed with the teenage babymaking techniques about not being concerned with what the results might be from a night of passion. Can you still call it passion when you've been married almost 7 years?
Good luck to you & us....hopefully someone will be pregnant soon; if not we may all be crazy....and doing this wrong!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - Audi eh! Oooooooooh. No common Micras round your way...

@Captain Steve - (Really...no, just for effect ;0) )

@Jill - Thats how Tarzan was conceived.

@B - Older even! Gloria Estefan, 100% true.

@WhatAboutNovember - Hmmmm.

@Tismee2 - Yes, the doctors say it can be sucessfully removed.

@Craig D - I have that movie at hoem WAITING to be watched!

@jothemama - I'm questioning your sincerity...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Stick up a YouTube video and show us how then.

@River - oh but the seat covers would be ruined ;-)

@Momma - Always welcome.
I can just imagine Jared reading this and thinking 'what is she saying! ! !'
best of luck!

Jane G said...

Well we could try christening my little Peugot 106, but that would be more of a challenge ;0)

"Shop" Anthropy! said...

Really funny...

Come by and check out our posts at: http://shopanthropyrevolution.blogspot.com/

...and do some Valentine's Day shopping for your lady while having a percent of your every sale go to your chosen nonprofit group at http://www.nonprofitshoppingmall.com

That ought to get you some karma points and help sway the fertility goddesses in yr favor. :)

Karen MEG said...

Birds... bone... dying here!!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - another fire brigade moment I'd say

@"Shop" Anthropy! - not as funny as that attempt at a plug!

@Karen MEG - ah don't do that...

tinman18 said...

Are you sure we said that ET had to nag?

Did we not say, perhaps, that she had to moan?

Bluestreak said...

excellent imagery. the recreation of your childhood bedroom is genious. That will fool the shit out of those sperm.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@tinman18 - Behave!

@Bluestreak - theres no shit in my sperm I tell ya! not that there's anything wrong with that...