Leaving the obvious truth of the title aside for a moment, I'm about to give you wisdom that will save your relationship.
I think I could be responsible for putting 85% of couple counsellors out of gainful employment with the following information.
Forget about those two dozen Oprah recommended books on how to cope with wonky tubes and disorientated sperm. Don't even consider the 18 months of therapy with Doctor M.T. Belleh or Professor Nohorn.
Spend a little cash, once off, on a Wii, and go straight for the boxing games.
We stood with the controllers in our hands, grinning like two brazen children as the bell went.
Before I knew what was happening - Boof!
- "You seedless sonofabitch" she shrieked like a banshee on acid as she punched me square in the face.
Staggering, I gathered my bearings, looked at her smug smile and smacked her on the ear with a left hook.
- "Right back at you, you cervical cripple"
Barely affected by the retaliation, she started swinging like an electrocuted monkey, left and right, right and left, making repeated contact with both my ears.
Cries of "Broken balls!" rang out as she hit me over and over again.
- "Useless bigger bollock!" - Bang, with the left.
- "Useless smaller bollock!" - Whack, from the right.
I wasn't standing for this any longer and I decided to play dirty. - "Dented womb" I cried as I pummelled the aforementioned with lefts and rights.
To and fro we sparred, landing blow and insult upon blow and insult.
The seconds and minutes passed, and we continued, sweating like two whores at mass.
- "You barren bitch!" I yelled like Mel Gibson in Braveheart as I threw my hardest punch at her nose.
She stopped, staggered, wobbly on her feet. I thought I had her beat, that was until she moaned.
I'd know that fake moan ANYWHERE!
My realisation that she was bluffing came too late. Before I had a chance to protect myself, she had thumped me in the larynx and left me flat on my arse while screaming - "screw you jaffa ladyboy and the spastic spunk you rode in on".
Knocked out, in 2 minutes 51 seconds. She stood over me panting, sweat and saliva drooping and dripping onto my beaten body.
- "Cup of tea honey bunch?" she said, placing the controller on the table and wiping her forehead.
- "Oh yeah that would be nice" I replied. "Any biscuits?"