Monday, 2 February 2009

Wii need therapy

Leaving the obvious truth of the title aside for a moment, I'm about to give you wisdom that will save your relationship.

I think I could be responsible for putting 85% of couple counsellors out of gainful employment with the following information.

Forget about those two dozen Oprah recommended books on how to cope with wonky tubes and disorientated sperm. Don't even consider the 18 months of therapy with Doctor M.T. Belleh or Professor Nohorn.

Spend a little cash, once off, on a Wii, and go straight for the boxing games.

We stood with the controllers in our hands, grinning like two brazen children as the bell went.

DING DING.

Before I knew what was happening - Boof!

- "You seedless sonofabitch" she shrieked like a banshee on acid as she punched me square in the face.

Staggering, I gathered my bearings, looked at her smug smile and smacked her on the ear with a left hook.
- "Right back at you, you cervical cripple"

Barely affected by the retaliation, she started swinging like an electrocuted monkey, left and right, right and left, making repeated contact with both my ears.

Cries of "Broken balls!" rang out as she hit me over and over again.

- "Useless bigger bollock!" - Bang, with the left.
- "Useless smaller bollock!" - Whack, from the right.

I wasn't standing for this any longer and I decided to play dirty. - "Dented womb" I cried as I pummelled the aforementioned with lefts and rights.

To and fro we sparred, landing blow and insult upon blow and insult.

The seconds and minutes passed, and we continued, sweating like two whores at mass.

- "You barren bitch!" I yelled like Mel Gibson in Braveheart as I threw my hardest punch at her nose.

She stopped, staggered, wobbly on her feet. I thought I had her beat, that was until she moaned.

I'd know that fake moan ANYWHERE!

My realisation that she was bluffing came too late. Before I had a chance to protect myself, she had thumped me in the larynx and left me flat on my arse while screaming - "screw you jaffa ladyboy and the spastic spunk you rode in on".

Knocked out, in 2 minutes 51 seconds. She stood over me panting, sweat and saliva drooping and dripping onto my beaten body.

- "Cup of tea honey bunch?" she said, placing the controller on the table and wiping her forehead.
- "Oh yeah that would be nice" I replied. "Any biscuits?"


53 comments:

Angel said...

I can't stop laughing. I completely understand. The thing is, I get too emotional when we play the Wii. I get too excited and then if he wins, I beat him up in real life.

You know the game you get free with your console? We race the cows, and he always wins. I hate him. He always wins that, and then I always have to beat him up.

We love our Wii.

geeksinrome said...

I knew ET would whip your butt in boxing :)


I still vote for you inventing a Wii IUI/IVF "game."

Jane G said...

Brilliant! We will have to get one of those, as if there weren't enough gadgets in our house as it is.

Sue said...

You're a genius! :-) (I did manage to scrape up enough confidence after that email after all, huh?)

Bluestreak said...

hahahaha. Thanks for the laughs.

"I'd know that fake moan ANYWHERE!" this one had me pissing myself.


I think we need a wii. ok you convinced me.

Ms. Moon said...

I wondered when you were going to start talking about love.

Russ said...

Frickin' hilarious! "and the spunk your rode in on!", still laughing at that one.

Sarah said...

"she started swinging like an electrocuted monkey"

This produced such a vision. Bwhahahahaa!!!

IrishNYC said...

Love it!

Chaos said...

The Wii is an awesome invention. We are big fans of tennis, its like Wimbeldon at our house, and I rock at tennis!

Mo and Will said...

This is great. I need to get Will and I a Wii. You are hilarious!

Mo

Jill said...

I finally saw my first Wii a few weeks ago - I never even knew what it was!

WhatAboutNovember said...

*snicker* awesome.

we're doing much the same, only we're beating ourselves up, rather than each other. :)

Putz said...

english biskuts or our american cookies....golf, i set a record....plus 16 on three holes

The Social Frog said...

I love having the Wii, lots of fun games and things to release stress :)

bsouth said...

Glad you've found a safe (ish) way to vent. Just make sure she doesn't sneak in a proper punch to the ribs while you're not looking!

That said, I thought you didn't advocate violence?

womb for improvement said...

Better than going to www.therapist.com any day. (The Rap... oh, nevermind)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'm teaching my girls to talk smack to one another while they beat the crap of of the other one. They have their own couples therapy.

Marita said...

Oh yes indeed!

Hubby ended up getting Smackdown Vs Raw the WWE game for the Wii. You can create fairly accurate characters and he's put his entire extended family in there.

Best bit is you can make some characters into Heels (the bad guys) and the crowd Boo's as they come out.

Much satisfaction can be take from beating your older siblings to a bloody pulp and them throwing them out of the ring.

tiff said...

LOL. In our days of infertility Dave and I would challenge each other with Mario brothers and Doctor Mario.

Seems those electronic games are good for something after all.

Thinking of you guys always.

Amy said...

Still laughing here.
SUCH a worthwhile investment. Not only can you vent your particular frustrations in style, the urine jokes just keep on coming.

Veronica said...

I think there is many a relationship helped by the Wii boxing. Hehe

Mr Lady said...

My Wii saved my marriage. I am not kidding.

Quickroute said...

Wii's , Xboxes , Playstations - that's what's wrong with your generation. We had lego!

CableGirl said...

Fuckin hysterical and all too close to home. Man, I needed that laugh. thanks. ;)

Jenni said...

ladyboy - I like that one.

at least she still got your tea :)

Rachel said...

holy crap that's funny.
We love beatin' the tar out of each other with the wii ;-)

River said...

That's a great way to punch the shit out of each other and release some tension. Keep at it, you may find interesting side effects. Like total relaxation, leading to sleepy sex. According to all the crappy romance novels I've read, the physically worn out, sleepy sex often results in a pregnancy.

G said...

Loves it :)

Kelley said...

Youtube clip?

Dude. C'mon.

Seeing the leprechaun bouncing around getting his arse kicked by his wife would totally make my day.

nh said...

Hurrah for the Wii!

areyoukiddingme said...

Hilarious!

Joe said...

"swinging like an electrocuted monkey"

Classic Stuff, el Chimpo.

TheChrisD said...

Well that's a use for Wii Sports I haven't heard of before...

Tara R. said...

The best thing about training in martial arts with the Hubs was when they let us spar each other. I have longer legs and could kick him in the head, but he's faster with his hands and would rabbit punch me in the ribs. Good times.

Remember to keep your hands up and lead with a cross.

Craig D said...

Isn't wearing gloves counter-productive to the whole enterprise?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angel - Racing cows...say no more..

@geeksinrome - 56 rounds and no outcome!

@Jane G - 100% worth it.

@Sue - God forgive you ;-)

@Bluestreak - Funny, because its's true....

@Ms. Moon - Any day now...

@Russ - ;0)

@Sarah - gotta love it.

@IrishNYC - I do, I do!

@Chaos - like wimbledon? raining all the time?

@Mo and Will - You wont regret it!

@Jill - Oh dear....

@WhatAboutNovember - Been there...

@Putz - I'd say youve broken a few too...

@The Social Frog - I would never have believed it was possible.

@bsouth - Until the controller goes through the TV.

@womb for improvement - Oi Vey...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Doesn't work....

@Marita - I'd like to do that to a few siblings, for real.

@tiff - Sweet release!

@Amy - and TTCers can never have enough urine jokes.

@Veronica - she types with a black eye....

@Mr Lady - Tell us more...

@Quickroute - Lego leaves bruises...

@CableGirl - Kick his arse, go on. You'll feel better for it.

@Jenni - Well, tea is a must.

@Rachel - it does the trick for sure

@River - Don't make me swear...

@G - Me too, funnily enough...

@Kelley - Pay me.

@nh - Wii on a stick?

@areyoukiddingme - ;0)

@Joe - Shut it slumdog.

@TheChrisD - I swear, its fucking therapy.

@Tara R. - kick him in the head. You old romantic you.

@Craig D - yes, but helps avoid civil suits...

iVegasFamily said...

My wife and I have some heated matches on the Wii. I usually win, but don't tell her I told you. We also have some unfriendly competition playing American Idol on Wii. Again, I'm the winner.

James said...

Crap, that is just the thing wii need! Might get out some of the tension we unload on each other every once in a while.

Tanya said...

I LOVE THE WII!!!

excellent 'icebreaker' too especially for inlaws or friends of friends. Wii therapy should be introduced to the medical practice.

Elle said...

HAHAHA! We have worked off more than one stressful day with Guitar Hero on the Wii - guess we need to get another nunchuck and try boxing!

1sttimedad said...

Oh man, that's funny. But a fake moan ... seriously? My wife would never ... what's that honey ... oh you gotta be kiddin' me!

First time reader, and you're definitely going on the blog roll!

LaskiGal said...

Our tiffs end with a resounding "Why don't you go play with your Wii!"

And I'll follow up with . . .

"Not your wee wee, mister!"

Lame? Whatever. It's true.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@iVegasFamily - You sing at each other?

@James - I endorse it!

@Tanya - yes, gets people silly, and thats good.

@Elle - Guitar hero I just don't get.

@1sttimedad - no, she never ever, never would, surely. Welcome.

@LaskiGal - who am I to judge you ;0)

Joe said...

Slumdog eh? That, coming for an IrishTerrier.

Hah.

K8 the Gr8 said...

Aww, nothing like a quiet night in with the missuz!

How much punch would a numbchuck chuck if a numbchuck could chuck punch?

unfirbikerchick said...

I have just found your blog following a link elsewhere. Have laughed myself silly at this post as the boxing on wii is known in this home as a sure fire way of settling any scores!!
Much respect to you both for a great blog and very success in the fertility stakes x

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Joe - I presume you mean 'from'....

@K8 the Gr8 - true, you can't be a nice evening spend punching your wife's face in.

@unfirbikerchick - Good to hear we're not the only ones! Welcome, & thanks for the kind words, appreciated.

Deb said...

Sweating like whores at mass? Brilliant.

B said...

Could've swore I commented on this one, just noticed this bit:
I'd know that fake moan ANYWHERE!

brilliantly timed

Hullaballoo said...

I popped by from Jo the mama's blog and I am so pleased I did. Hilarious post Xbox, you have inspired me to buy a Wii. Therapy, who needs it with such an effective way to vent your spleens.

I will be back to visit again.

nola said...

Sounds like a perfectly healthy marriage to me. But then what do I know?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Deb - not if you're sitting next to them it isnt.

@B - Timing is the key to a fake moan.

@Hullaballoo - Thanks, and welcome.

@nola - No such thing!