Monday, 20 July 2009

Picture perfect

I reckon if you dangled me from a cliff by my wobbly bits, I could write you up a storm.

Sit me down in a field of heather and daises where my greatest worry would be hay fever, or ants in my picnic basket, and I couldn't give you two interesting words to rub together.

Before June the 7th, or pre 'euphoric urination day' to give it its proper title, I was full of prose, misery, knob jokes, and neediness. Now, I'm full of laziness, Pringles, and excuses not to bother bathing.

General happy as a pig-in-shitness does not stimulate my creative juices.

There is nothing going on. Granted, there never really has been anything going on, but at least I was able to run that nothing through my human mangle of a brain and spit out something to amuse myself with.

Now, the best I can do is to tell you how Little Fitz is getting on, now that he, or she, is wife invading its way to the end of week ten.

It now has a nose that is 'clearly visible'. Visible to who, or to what, the book doesn't say, but ET will knee me in the face if I approach her guts with a torch again .

The wee bugger also has formed eyes, which are fused shut, like a perpetual Sunday morning. Lest there be any confusion, my Sunday morning eye fusion is somewhat more likely to be the result of a hangover, than any exuberant deity worshipping.

Inside its wee mouth, which is undoubtedly already miming 'please father' and 'thank you papa', is home to twenty little tooth buds.

About those teeth sunshine, keep the good ones, ditch the baby ones. Not the other way around. Like me. At thirty.

'Braces & a sperm sample' is the story of my last two years, so get your own angle, kid.

So, no genitals of note, an oversized head, fused shut eyelids, and twenty bloody tooth buds already formed. As much as the books try to make that sound cute, or as much as the ultrasound pictures make this child look like a penguin dozing in a hammock, Little Fitz is currently marginally north of Gollum in the handsome stakes.

I'm going to be really pissed if this kid doesn't emerge from ET's underpass exactly like the cute baby on the cover of this book I pick up 7 times a day. Complete with woolly hat.

Just without the coffee ring on his nose and the Pringle dust fingerprint on his forehead. Hopefully.


43 comments:

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Are they Pringles Pickle Chips?

Erin said...

I love it! I had a hard time the first time when I saw the U/S knowing what the Dr. was pointing at, she assured me that it was cute! it was very sweet of the Dr. I think that she was almost as excited as my husband and I that we had gotten to this point!
ps-I don't think that your writting can get boring, it is just taking on a new light :-)
Yeah for Feb. 2010 babies!

Jenni said...

alls well, then, as it should be. my midwife once told me that the only time a parent ever wants hear their kid is average is during pregnancy.

you'll be boring us with plans for the nursery and anxieties over your 20 week anatomy scan before you know it ;)

Mwa said...

You're doing fine. Just keep writing. Don't go getting yourself into misfortunes.

I do know what you mean though. Being on holiday, I keep thinking I must find something to complain about or poke fun at (mostmy myself), because how can you be funny about being happy?

I suppose the secret is not to be funny, but to go poetic. Like Ms. Moon. Only I wouldn't know how to start.

The alternative, of course, is to set yourself another difficult goal. Ever wanted to become the fastest man on a bicycle or play the violin like a pro? (Assuming you're not already.)

unfitbikerchick said...

glad to hear everythings tickety boo - had my own dramas so been away from checking in on you recently - there ya go summat to complain about - inconsistant blog followers :0)

Bonnie B. said...

Oh my......prepare to be ROYALLY pissed then when your baby is born because they are not adorable (at first anyway). Fortunately, if you have the right friends, they will all lie to your face and tell you how beautiful that newborn baby is. And - because it's YOUR newborn baby - it is absolutely the most beautiful child ever born.

Ms. Moon said...

I'm sorry. I must disagree with Bonnie B. I happen to think all newborns are holy beauties. I mean, really. I do.
So you've lost your angst, eh? Well, so what? Write about shit. Dare ya'!

Lorza said...

Good to hear that you are still alive...love to hear your funny prose- minus hanging off a cliff by your manly bits.

Hopefully by torch you mean Flashlight?!? Here in the US we kinda save the torches for ogres. :)

Tara R. said...

You still tell a good tale... and I love happy endings.

Rachel said...

Little Fitz will be beautiful to you and ET from day one...but may take a few days (weeks?) to get ready for his/her cover shot.
As for the wool hat...well, I can only say that if a hat had emerged from my nether regions, I'd have a few qustions for the nurse who performed my IUI.

Deb said...

I can virtually guarantee that you will look back on your newborn child's photos in a few years and think, "Hm... oddly simian." It's okay, though. Because you won't notice its resemblance to a chimpanzee until you're already firmly convinced you have the most beautiful toddler in the world (even if it can be kind of an asshole at times).

Oh, and welcome to parenthood. Terrifying. Full of anticipation. Mind-numbingly boring. All at the same time, believe it or not.

B said...

Euphoric Urination, now there's a tongue twister.

This post worked well... but you've stillgot your baby teeth?

Sarah said...

Mmmmmmm, pringles. Yummers!

Reg said...

no tales of fights over names yet? fine then, some questions to spark a conversation... are you finding out if there's a he or a she on the way? if there's a girl, are you embracing the overwhelming world of pink or avoiding it like the plague? have you any ideas for a nursery? did you go buy that damned teddy bear yet? i'll wait while you respond;)

Tanya said...

I thought I was boring because I only ever spoke about how the little fetus (and now baby)was doing, we never had an epic battle like you guys did. It's fantastic to read about pregnancy from a man's point of view so keep writing!

Everyone thinks their own baby is the most beautiful thing they have ever set eyes on, so no matter what your baby will be perfect!!!

Anja said...

"Little Fitz is currently marginally north of Gollum in the handsome stakes."

Aww, it looks just like its daddy. How weirdly cute.

Making Babies said...

You are still as entertaining as ever :)

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

and the internet only loves you when you are miserable.

Take a look around.

You know I am right.

So stop eating fibre and then you will be truly pissed off at the world. I will be waiting to point and laugh.

Karen MEG said...

Little Fitz sounds gorgeous.

And sometimes, a little less drama, a little less angst, is a really, really good thing.

Keep going with these updates. They are still precious.

bsouth said...

I wish I could be there when your baby is born. I want to watch ETs face as she watches your face fall. New born babies are not beautiful. I'll just have to make do with the post that your sure to write - that is going to be one truck load of angst in one go. On the upside, they pretty up fairly quickly.

WiseGuy said...

Oooh Little Fitz has putted in his Papa already!

When is the next appointment?

AnnB said...

While I think the hat may be overstretching your expectations, I think you can be fairly confident of little Fitz having the coffee ring and the Pringle dust within days of his or her birth!

Veronica said...

I hear wooly hats chafe and really, there is enough healing to be done after childbirth without adding chafing to the mix.

S/He will be cute. Even if we all think it looks like an alien, you will be irrevocably in love (actually, so will I, but don't hold it against me).

Russ said...

Little Fitz will be the cutest thing you have ever seen. Unless ET's doctor was drinking coffee and eating pringles during the delivery, your child should be save.

AnnD said...

I don't know if it is true or not, but it does seem like you blog a lot less now that she's pregnant. But, I haven't gone back and done an average or anything.

I promise that the baby will be beautiful. I give you my word.

I know how you feel though, I had gone into our 20 week ultrasound expecting to see a beautiful sight and instead all I could think is that my baby looked like the Crypt Keeper, so skeletal!

I feel guilty for even typing that...

WhatAboutNovember said...

:)

geeksinrome said...

the 5-month scan will give you a very accurate profile shot. my daughter has a really unique nose that the gyny picked up at the 5-month scan. unique is beauty's middle name!

Mick said...

At the beginning of our pregnancy I read myself into a paranoid state. "7 times a day"? My book was never out of my hand...

Coffee ring on his nose - Love it!

Looking forward to following this pregnancy to the very end :-)

Erin said...

Once your child is born, but probably before, you'll start believing it's the best looking baby ever gestated. I was standing in line in a store once, while pregnant, and saw a young dad with his toddler having a lovely moment together. My first thought? "My baby is better than his!" And my baby wasn't even born. Don't worry, soon Gollum won't even be on the radar.

Blues said...

You'd better keep blogging regardless because I don't plan on buying any of those books about fetal development when I get pregnant, I'm just planning on using your blog as a guidelines to how things are developing. So please don't let me down, otherwise, I won't know what's going on with my fetus.

womb for improvement said...

Same reason why rock stars get shit when they make a pile of money and don't have a lot to gripe about.

You're going to see U2 soon aren't you?

nutsinmay said...

He/she will be adding his/her own Pringle dust, you know. And mashed banana.

hotmamamia said...

Lilacspecs looked like 'Yoda' and she was a c-section (they are supposed to be gorgeous!) BUT, she WAS gorgeous to her dad and me (she calls herself cave dweller as I recall from one of her posts)...youcan write about lint all day long and we'll still love ya and read ya...

We'll just wait for your usually great stories as they happen...

Robin said...

Even if baby emerges with coffee ring and pringle dust he/she will be the most beautiful child you have ever seen :)
Just write what you feel or think these days;we're all along for the ride and every little nuance of this pregnancy/new baby is exciting to hear about.

James (SeattleDad) said...

After little Fitz arrives, then we see how much time you have to write anything, much less something interesting. Enjoy your now time while you have it.

Monty said...

"Little Fitz" as the temp name, still don't sound right to me.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Nope!

@Erin - yay indeed!

@Jenni - *cough* measurin ahead of time *cough*

@Mwa - Like a pro? on my knees in an alley?

@unfitbikerchick - heh, no worries, life leads.

@Bonnie B. - can I send it back?

@Ms. Moon - give it 7 months :-)

@Lorza - hahaha, yes flashlight, not storming the castle type things.

@Tara R. - I find them dull ;-)

@Rachel - Hmmm, no hat then?

@Deb - I sense you have issues

@B - I'm not sure it did :-(
up until 14 months ago yeah, it only fell out at 30...

@Sarah - hound.

@Reg - Impossible to fight over names when neither has a suggestion!

@Tanya - better be!

@Anja - ah, cat been dragging stuff in again...

@Making Babies - Awww, thanks.

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - thats why you are loved...

@Karen MEG - important to keep note of for sure.

@bsouth - Er, no, if thats ok with you.

@WiseGuy - Not a clue! at the moment anyway. Should know tomorrow.

@AnnB - 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

@Veronica - Don't...you...dare...

@Russ - Dutch doctor? I'll be stunned if they are not drinking coffee during it!

@AnnD - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA.

@WhatAboutNovember - :-)

@geeksinrome - 5 monoths is a LONG way off.

@Mick - you have one of your own to look out for!

@Erin - How wonderfully nuts!

@Blues - I think that you may find better sources for information..

@womb for improvement - last night!

@nutsinmay - not my child. nor shall it cry. ever.

@hotmamamia - as long as she doesnt sound like her I think you are ok

@Robin - what I think...? the coating on sour cream & onion pringles isn't as heavy as it used to be before.

@James (SeattleDad) - Hmmm, I'm doomed. Moment in the sun gone!

@Monty - Well ain't that a bleeding shame...

expatswede said...

Even when you're not your old angsty self, you're still funny as hell.

Glad you're not actually torching ET's belly.

Single Parent Dad said...

No genitals of note?

What about baby Fitz?

Angel said...

Looks to me like you still have plenty to say.
One of us will make the damned wool hat for you to pop on his/her head upon birth. You should be okay with the drink ring and pringles crumbs as long as your table isn't ET's stomach.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@expatswede - Moi? angsty?

@Single Parent Dad - har-di-har...
good one actually.

@Angel - Oh I've plenty to say, just none of it any way interesting!

Monty said...

Aye it is.. but then it's not like your lot is capable of comin up with any better ones..

Melinda Zook said...

Not only have you made me hungry for Pringles, you are cracking me up...nothing like picturing the miracle of life with coffee and Pringle stains : )