Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Shotgun weddings & bastard avoidance

I never said we were normal.

We got married today. Again.

In fact, I got married today, to the same woman I was married to yesterday, and I wasn't even there.

To make a long story in no noticeable way shorter, our local town hall decided they didn't like the look of the marriage certificate we returned from Louisiana with, and unless we had it authenticated (again) by the governor over there, it would not be recognised as valid here in Holland.

Being far too busy watching television and eroding each others groins, we never bothered. A married couple, living in sin.

Until now.

The arrival into the world of spawn of people like us needs to follow the same administrative process as that of any old street tramp. Basically, Little Fitz needs to be registered at the town hall soon after (s)he rips ET a new one.

This is a task that is usually left to the father of the newborn, usually because the mother is too lazy sleeping off losing 25 lbs in fifteen minutes through a gaping bloody hole in her lower body.

I, as the father (all laboratory mix-ups aside) shall perform this fateful duty.

Ahhhh ha!

This is where they get us. If I were not married to the mother of the child I am registering, (which I am, but I'm not,) I could not register the birth in the normal manner. There would be Dutch disclaimers, affidavits, declarations, and carbon copy forms in duplicate to be furnished if we were not married.

So, here we are, 2 FedEx letters, 20 US dollars, one confused Louisiana governor, and four short years later, we are married in the eyes of the Dutch.

ET is quite smug at the concept of trapping me twice, but two can play that game.

For tonight -is our wedding night!


60 comments:

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Ah...there's always a bright side, isn't there? ;-)

And at least the forms weren't in TRIPLICATE.

Blues said...

Congratulations to the lovely couple. I can't believe you've been living in sin all these years, you heathen.

Why in the hell did the dutch not recognize your marriage certificate? Was it signed by Reverend Elvis Presley or something?

Lorna said...

Enjoy your honeymoon :-)

Sarah said...

Poor ET, she had her chance to escape....and she missed it.

Robin said...

1st "Eroding each other's groins"... the word pictures are stunning! 2nd Ireland, The Netherlands, Louisiana, hmmm which would I pick for a wedding? That is why you are being punished and forced to renew your vows!
3rd - No matter what the route it all comes back to the same destination for men!

Kori said...

I don't quite know how to tell you this, but as is my policy when all else fails, I will just have to be brutally honest with you and hope you will recover in time. Um....did you know that ET is not, in fact, a virgin?

James (SeattleDad) said...

Did you wear your tuxedo? And, after the last couple of years, one would think you would celebrate by not consumating this one.

Putz said...

yea i had the same thoughts as that guy right smack above me on this list of comments...sit around and play old maid

JJ Daddy-O said...

... should have gotten married in Las Vegas.

Once you've been joined in eternal nuptial bliss by an Elvis impersonator in the All-Nite Drive-thru Chapel of Luuuuuuv, you're REALLY married.

Ms. Moon said...

If you have a decent midwife, that baby is not going to rip anything.
And don't you either!
Congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy marriage(s).

Dan said...

"soon after (s)he rips ET a new one."

Ah but you have a way with words.

Chelsea Lietz said...

Cheers! Have fun tonight! Hope she is feeling up to it.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh wait. I was wrong. That baby is going to rip your HEART out. No matter what.

iamstacey said...

Congratulations! Again!
You do know this means you owe her another honeymoon, right?

Christa said...

Awww, newlyweds again!

nutsinmay said...

Mazel tov!

Ruth said...

25 lbs?? where are u getting ur figures from?

Mwa said...

Congratulations! (Again.)

I actually laughed out loud several times at that post. Not just pretend out loud. Wunderbar.

Could have something to do with the three glasses of wine, too, but I love you Xbox!

B said...

You used to live in Louisiana? ...or you mixed it up for Vegas?

AnnD said...

That's hilarious! You do have to tell the story of how you ended being married in Louisiana!

bsouth said...

You do realise don't you that although tonight is technically your wedding night, your wife is carrying your child and thus no longer owes you any sexual favours at all. tough luck petal.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

WT ? well congratulations again ...yes ET deserves another honeymoon indeed.

Sadia said...

Congratulations! Just think, TWO anniversaries to forget every year!

Shanny said...

Well congratulations!!! Have a great second wedding night =)

la isla d'lisa said...

OMG I laughed so hard at that last couple lines I snorted my Dr. Pepper! Ouch! Sooo worth it!

Russ said...

So does that make lil fitz a Honeymoon baby?

And in all likelihood, Mr. Jindal was more than happy to verify you sacred vows.

blissfully caffeinated said...

Congratulations, newlyweds! Too bad those raging sex maniac pregnancy hormones probably haven't kicked in yet. Wait until the second trimester. Then you can REALLY celebarte.

Alyssa said...

That is hilarious!

Monty said...

Those Dutch buggers will do anything to break your will and force you to resort to some of em happy brownies...

M+B said...

Congratulations... darn beaureacrats is what I'm really thinking!

Taking ET anywhere nice for your honeymoon?

corymbia said...

Enjoy the second honeymoon then ;)

... and what Ms Moon said - twice (although my second child did literally rip me a new one ... but it's really not as bad as it sounds)

...and PMSL @ "Bastard Avoidance" ... hope you don't mind but I'm pinching this. Actually, I don't really care if you do mind, I'm still pincing this and pasing it off as my own...

womb for improvement said...

Does this make you a bigamist?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Colleen - Mommy Always Wins - Always! :-)

@Blues - It didn't have an apostille.

@Lorna - :-)

@Sarah - ...twice...

@Robin - Now ye are getting it!

@Kori - Well, it was an immaculate conception.

@James (SeattleDad) - I didn't wear a tux for the first one...

@Putz - no fun in that Putz!

@JJ Daddy-O - I'm positively jealous

@Ms. Moon - :-)

@Dan - I'm just trying to be factually accurate

@Chelsea Lietz - hehe.

@Ms. Moon - Awwww. With a garden spade.

@iamstacey - she didnt really get one to begin with!

@Christa - You owe us a waffle iron

@nutsinmay - No thanks, I've just eaten.

@Ruth - Close enough, no?

@Mwa - Awwww, I love drunkards.

@B - No, but we passed through and got hitched.

@AnnD - Maybe when you're older ;-)

@bsouth - Have you been talking to her?

@Trish - two hopes of that! ;-)

@Sadia - just a few weeks to the real deal

@Shanny - ah well, maybe next time!

@la isla d'lisa - hehehe

@Russ - er, no, kind of a between honeymoon baby.
It was a smooth enough process on that side actually.

@blissfully caffeinated - Oh I'm counting the days.

@Alyssa - Try being on this end!

@Monty - Communism so it is.

@M+B - the supermarket later

@corymbia - OUCH... and feel free.

@womb for improvement - of some sort perhaps, a singular bigamist?

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

You really cannot trust people that eat double salted liquorice shaped like cats...

All my kids are bastards and look how well they... wait... never mind.

Angel said...

Sometimes your life reads a bit like mine.

I'm not sure I'd even believe a Louisiana marriage certificate. Just sayin'...

Maybe ET got knocked up just so you'd have to marry her, huh!

Rikki said...

Congrats on hooking her again.

geeksinrome said...

then you must carry her under the threshold Prince Charming. and take her to the Bahamas.

Europeans don't like US weddings b/c they're done by the state and don't carry any federal weight (in Europe's eyes). Tell us more about your Louisiana wedding. why there???

AnnB said...

Congrats to you and ET - marriage? So good you did it twice, now that's classy!

Krystal said...

twice? and there was no way you can get out of it?....wait, what am i talking about....I am still waiting for my "wedding" to be challenged seeing it was done at 10pm by a friend's dad who was a bit tipsy when I panicked thinking we were never going to get married....good times I tell ya!

Have fun tonight!
(First time here and I will be back!!)

Jane G said...

Brace yourself Bridie!

Deb said...

Whoo-hooo!! Go getcha some, boy!

We get remarried every year. Seriously. It keeps us honest.

expatswede said...

Enjoy being newly wed! Again! :)

Jo Beaufoix said...

Mwah ha ha ha haaaa. So I take it you're now on your honeymoon?

And I hope there's no ripping. Cringe. Brings back memories.

hotmamamia said...

I have come to the conclusion that there is something dreadfully wrong with both the Netherlands and the Belgian governments. They simply cannot get anything right nor can they do it in a timely manner. They constantly change the rules...things are always a moving target...it is no wonder that spencer could not find his way and that you needed the direct shot approach to get it done...goddamn governments! Our marriage certificates in the states (all 50 of them thank you very much) are JUST FINE...

Ah, that feels better....so, enjoy your wedding night...don't poke too hard!

A Free Man said...

So, what you're saying is that Holland is a lot like Mississippi?

Sinead said...

So where are you going on your honeymoon?

You should definitely make sure you take a lovely holiday before the baby comes. It aint so peaceful or relaxing when you have a child. I regret not going away with AFM before this one is going to be born and giving Z to my mum.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Nuff said.

@Angel - She trapped me eh?

@Rikki - :-)

@geeksinrome - Have you had the same issues?

@AnnB - hahaha, classy. if only you knew...

@Krystal - Welcome!

@Jane G - youve no idea how much that made me laugh.

@Deb - and legal...

@expatswede - :-)

@Jo Beaufoix - Ouch.

@hotmamamia - "I have come to the conclusion that there is something dreadfully wrong with both the Netherlands and
the Belgian governments. They simply cannot get anything right"

3 letters. GWB.

@A Free Man - Exactly, just with better dental hygiene.

@Sinead - Actually we will, around the half way mark!

WiseGuy said...

Too cool!


Am in awe of the cool phrases you coin....

Congratulations! Where is the reception?

Kono said...

i don't think a marriage certificate form Louisiana is valid in the other 49 U.S. states... of course i could be wrong.

raptureponies said...

that's all kinds of mad stuff!

Quickroute said...

Belated congrats!

We got married 5 times

Once in New York (civil)
then again B.A. (civil)
then a big bash in a hotel again in B.A. by a Hassan (Jewish layman) Catholic priest (to keep the folks happy) and a civil judge with a translator thrown in for good measure

I ain't gettin' married again - period!

Karen MEG said...

Well, that's incredibly romantic... sort of. Congratulations, and you must be breathing easier now, after all you're a good Catholic boy after all, aren't you ;)?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@WiseGuy - In the living room, in front of the telly.

@Kono - Ouch...

@raptureponies - Tis that, what are you doing in these parts? broody?

@Quickroute - I bow down to you!
There wasn't a 'holy man' next or near ours.

@Karen MEG - Don't make me ill.

I would if I could said...

Tell me where you're registered and I'll send a gift

People in the Sun said...

Like our former President said. There's a saying in Texas. Fool me once... shame on me... You... Fool me twice... I won't be fooled again!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@I would if I could - Anything from Porsche will do, thanks.

@People in the Sun - What a delight it is to be compared to him.

WiseGuy said...

Yeah right, Mr. Smart Ass! I have reception in front of the telly too!

I meant the wedding reception!

ZDub said...

Congrats! Again!

nola said...

Glad it all worked out! Come back to NOLA for your 10 year anniversary and we'll make up for the marriage certificate snafu!

Dondi Tiples said...

bloody red tape