Monday, 14 September 2009

Secrets - Part Three: Bite-Size Edition

Pregnant women can be - inconsistent.

Some women who are with child have a tendency to occasionally change their mind.

By 'a tendency' I mean 'an unstoppable raging urge'. 'Occasionally' is also probably better described as 'all the bloody time'.

Work it to your advantage by making your own preferred suggestions a week in advance. They will be shot down immediately as the fodder of a buffoon, but later presented back to you as almost angelic ideology which must be implemented without further delay.

Pregnant women snore.

They snore with such thunderous force that Sri Lankan fisherman flee inland, Gazelle raise their nostrils to the dusk sky before galloping into the undergrowth, and Californian office workers dive for cover under their desks.

As fear inducing as that may be, there is no scale, Richter or otherwise, that could measure the darkness of the scowl that is unleashed should you indicate your yawning is in any way related to her nocturnal soundtrack.

Nipples take on super powers.

Some days those things can work their magic through woolly cardigans and overcoats. Forget about cutting glass, you could blow a hole in the front door of a Catholic church with one of those things when the time is right.

Unpredictable and dangerous, keep an eye out, or they'll take an eye out.

Pregnant women make life and death decisions.

About your life, at least.
A pregnant woman may take offence to the tired ramblings of a husband who thinks he's funny, but isn't really, and she may decide to slit his throat while he is indulging in his nightly 2 hours of sleep. Then again she may weigh this up against the holiday that that is finally just around the corner and content herself with the knowledge that she will be patting her bump in a Montréal cafe within a week.

Husbands are for life, not just for insemination.


39 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

You crack me up. And just wait until the breast milk comes in! She'll be able to put your eye out across the room with that stuff when it lets down.
Ah- the fun you're going to have.

Erika said...

"Some days those things can work their magic through woolly cardigans and overcoats. Forget about cutting glass, you could blow a hole in the front door of a Catholic church with one of those things when the time is right."

I think I just peed a little from laughing. I love "expectant father xbox".

Kori said...

Just echoing Ms. Moon today.

Tara R. said...

Forget nipples, wait until her bellybutton pokes out. She'll knock stuff off counters.

I'm loving all of this.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Montreal? You're coming to Canada? Yaaaaay!

I am so excited for all of this. You and ET are always on my mind and I could not be happier for the both of you.

Cheers :)

Russ said...

Dude, you are in for it! (At first I thought you were just describing women in general)

rachelbk said...

Haha, I'm looking forward to that post when you inform us all that you were treated to a discussion of dislodged mucus plugs, with visual props (for you, not us, thanks).

Jenni said...

just wait until you have to brace yourself to help her off of the couch. that's the good stuff.

enjoy your holiday!

memart said...

Maybe you can train her to use her nipples to tie her shoes later on when the belly (and belly button) get in the way.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Ah, that is just preparation for not getting any sleep after Fitz comes along. She is really looking out for you by snoring like a tsunami.

alylala said...

final comment killed it - so glad to have your sun-shiney ball of humour awaiting my work days!

Mistress B said...

you think it's bad now, wait till you get to the delivery room. Be afraid, be very afraid.

My hubby still tells all and sundry that I tried to kill him nearly 13 years later...........

River said...

Little sleepless there xbox? Just think of it as practise for all the future sleepless nights of round the clock feeding and changing.

Mwa said...

If all this is new to you, you must have had an easy life before... I was ALWAYS inconsistent, even though I'd never admit to it, of course.

Veronica said...

Well it's lovely to know that she hasn't slit your throat.

Yet.

Do you have shin guards you could borrow? Those are handy too. Especially if she's wearing pointy boots.

Ed said...

I read the first sentence as pregnant women can be incontinent. I was going to say that's a bit too much information but I considered the source.

The rest? Well, you just described my wife--pregnant or not.

WiseGuy said...

Oh...enjoy your Montreal trip so!!!

LOLOL....nipples when in-mood do not need pregnancy orders...they are standing at any whistle!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

The magic a pregnant woman's body can do is beyond description.

At least a description you want to hear, you whiny leprechaun.

Tanya said...

I love this.

It's like my pregnancy all over again except from the funny side of things because at the time it wasn't funny.

I remember a very grumpy partner throwing pillows at me for snoring.

It's because all of her internal parts are being squished up against her lungs so she cant breathe properly!

Putz said...

husbands are just for insemination, buddie, don't kid yourself....

John Braine said...

ET must love this blog these days!

areyoukiddingme said...

My husband moved to the guest room for the third trimester, so he could finally get some sleep...

Alexicographer said...

Just for fun ;) can you give us an example of an idea you presented a week in advance?

"Husbands are for life, not just for insemination." Yes, I have to remind mine of a variation on this from time to time ... that I married him in part because I wanted to parent with him, because frankly if I'd been looking just for sperm (he'd had a vasectomy, and later a reversal that didn't work), there were much easier and cheaper places to find it. When the tot is being a pill, DH tries to claim that his role in this fathering business is finished (er, wait, who was it I said was being a pill?).

womb for improvement said...

Are you sure she isn't just smuggling pistachio nuts in her bra incase she gets a bit peckish.

Bonnie B. said...

I kept wondering why I was dashing under my desk here in California. Sonic boom from the Space Shuttling landing, my ass!

Putz said...

i have to quauify myself....husbands are just for insemination if they don't step up to the big picture....they devote their whole lifes to parenting even when their kids are 35 27 24 and if the husbad can't take a back seat to that and step up to put those children first, then it is his problem and not hers...i feel very left out at age 67 but it is my own fault....i should be as dedicated to those kids as she is and then i would be in the loop

Single Parent Dad said...

Cheers for the facts dude.

A Free Man said...

The snoring! Tell me about it. I'm glad we're on the other side now because at least now it's baby crying rather than mother snoring keeping me up all night.

WeaselMomma said...

That was amusing. If I were your wife, I'd keep you around too. Every court needs a jester.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I couldn't be bothered reading all the other comments and you bitch if I repeat something.

And you bitch if I don't comment, so here is your damn comment.

So WHO is pregnant?

jothemama said...

Heh, pistachio nuts.

Good top-tip!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Ms. Moon - lactose intolerant...

@Erika - I love me too!

@Kori - copycat.

@Tara R. - hehe

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - 2nd year running, quite like the place :-)

@Russ - I like to live dangerously

@rachelbk - sounds charming...

@Jenni - I've a bad back...

@memart - they seem capable!

@James (SeattleDad) - she's thoughtful like that...

@alylala - humour? I wasn't joking!

@Mistress B - I'd believe him

@River - Zzzzzz Zzzzz

@Mwa - hehehe, I'll say nothing.

@Veronica - she'd have to climb out of her slippers first...

@Ed - well considering the number of kids you have, have you ever seen her not pregnant?

@WiseGuy - Will do!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - I have no idea what that comment meant.

@Tanya - A sock in the mouth.

@Putz - hahaha

@John Braine - She has had a few comments more than usual to make lately, yes.

@areyoukiddingme - I'd make you go!

@Alexicographer - Baby names, house renovations...

@womb for improvement - walnuts maybe...

@Bonnie B. - that explains it!

@Putz - I get the feeling you do OK putz, the fact you are aware of it is half the battle.

@Single Parent Dad - Mijn plezier...

@A Free Man - torment of the highest order so it is...

@WeaselMomma - Oooooooh!

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Meh.

@jothemama - don't mix up your nuts now

iamstacey said...

You always make me laugh. I needed a good laugh. Your pain is my endless amusement. Thanks. :)

nutsinmay said...

Laughed. Head. Off.

Bless you both, you do cheer me up.

Karen MEG said...

I am so glad that you're enjoying this :)!

You're cracking me up with the nipple comments. Just be forewarned... once her milk comes in a few days after baby comes and her chest feels like it's on fire, things will get nasty, nasty! Make sure you get the nursing bra a few sizes bigger, before the due date.

And why am I telling you this? Because no one told me. TMI I know. But I made my husband rush off to buy me nursing bras when my baby was 3 days old, and boy did he just love that experience. I want to spare you, my friend, of that very experience. Because I like you. (Although it would be amazing blog fodder:).

Have a great time in Montreal, love it there.

Monty said...

You complain about sticky nipples and then take her to Montreal where temperatures are supposedly hovering between 5 and 15 degrees, clubbed with a wind speed of 40mph?

Your suffering is well deserved, then.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@iamstacey - I'm, er, glad ;-)

@nutsinmay - Thank you :-)

@Karen MEG - Buying one a week these days...!

@Monty - Sticky?
Watching Bangalore Gone Wild a little too much I think...

Blues said...

Love this. Am learning so much. So my nipples will become all powerful? Fuck yeah.

Dondi Tiples said...

also, watch for the day she constantly sweats and turns up the air-conditioning to arctic while you are well on your way to getting frostbite.