Monday, 2 November 2009

Absolutely flabulous

It’s a boy.

If you ‘carry low’, that is. It’s a girl if you carry high. That’s what they say isn’t it?

What is it if you carry low and high depending on the day of the week?

This kid just won’t sit still. From an upright position last week, it seems to have started to nosedive in an attempt to take up a more horizontal position. All of which is resulting in a distortion of ET’s belly.

With the placenta behind the baby, all movements are being felt more pronounced, and even seen. On a couple of occasions ET’s gut looked like the cranium of a bald man who’d fallen head first down the stairs.

Touching this massive protruding lump is nothing short of freaky.

What I hope is the child’s head seems to push right out, almost grapefruit sized in feeling. With a wee push back, the kid takes the hint and shuffles back into another less Sigourney Weaver-esque position.

Incidentally, if it’s not his or her head, and happens to be their backside, then it’s immediately Atkins for kiddo upon its arrival. How will we ever be able to trot around town with a baby with a muffin top?

Skinny jeans from baby GAP wouldn’t make it over its thighs, junior Jimmy Choo’s would pinch its chubby ankles, and muscle tops just wouldn’t cut it with baby-man boobs.

As part of the birth plan we’ll have a pediatric personal trainer on hand to work on the flab and Baby Botox injections will be readied in case junior emerges with chicken lips. All this alongside a stylist prepared to pluck or shave or highlight or curl as needs be, while hair colour will be adjusted to compliment the bedding.

Only the best looking baby can be allowed to take up residence in a room, the unventilated painting of which seems to have caused me to sneeze ‘milk-white’ and hallucinate doorbells.

I need a lie down.


39 comments:

Silindile Ntuli said...

I wouldn't worry if I were you, you're gonna have a beautiful little thing in no time

MissyBoo said...

Your baby will be beautiful. Well to you it will be... and the rest of us will just humour you by saying how cute it is :)

Making Babies said...

You are such a tease!!!

geeksinrome said...

The Italians say if mamma's belly comes to a point then it's a boy. That was true with me. I got very wide with no belly with my daughter but then again she was sideways until the 6th-month then diagonal.

Another fun saying they have here is:
"Bello in fascia, brutto in piazza."
Which means, cute in diapers, ugly as an adult hanging around in the square.
"Se nasce brutto diventa bello da adulto." Ugly ducklings become beautiful later in life.

But I'm sure Fitzy is going to break the mold and be hot at birth and in high school!!

Mwa said...

pluck and shave - you funny man

Danielle said...

My money is on that it's a boy!

Danielle said...

P.S. Yeeessssss, my comments made it in the top 10!

Jane G said...

I've heard it said that if the expectant mother looks terrible during pregnancy then it's a boy, and if she looks fabulous, it's a girl. My mother must have spent a lot of her reproductive years looking like crap then.

So going by the fabulous looking pregnancy photos I have seen of ET, my money's on a girl.

And no matter how ugly your newborn appears to the world, she/he will be beautiful to you.

mybumpyjourney said...

Skinny jeans. LOL!!

Russ said...

I think that boys ride high and girls low, according to grandmothers around here anyway.

Chelsea Lietz said...

tease

Ms. Moon said...

Oh hush now. Your baby is going to be beautiful.

womb for improvement said...

Its a fucking hermaphrodite!!

Awesome, think of the freak-show cash to be made.

Mick said...

Over here they say that if the mother-to-be looks like crap, it'll be a girl as the baby takes the beauty from the mother...

Lot of oul' shit of course...

I'm sure she'll be beautiful no matter how much she weighs ;-)

Dan said...

"It's a boy!"

You arse.

Veronica said...

Ah old wives tales. Gotta love them.

Tara R. said...

When I was great with child with my second baby, I would ask his sister if she wanted to feel him kick. She would shy away and tell it was 'ooky.'

Have fun with the blossoming Little Fritz.

showmeyourcookies said...

Hey! I've got a great way to tell if it's a boy or a girl! If it's got an willy, it's a boy. If it has lady bits, it's a girl. AND! You're such a mean tease to string us along like this. Although, were it me I don't even think I'd know so I'll let it slide this time.

Bonnie B. said...

You need more than a lie down, mister. You need a good slap upside the head for that "It's a boy" crap!!

(little cranky this morning and not in the mood for any of your teasing shenanigans, but you knew that already, didn't you?)

Middle Aged Woman said...

what she said.

Shanny said...

You totally got me there... you ruthless funny man you!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Ahh. The Alien Phase. To hell with watching TV. Sitting on the couch watching those undulations is much more entertaining!

Erika said...

Oh, how I love reading your pregnancy posts. :)

Chris Mancini said...

The baby will be beautiful to you, and the bill will be beautiful to your doctor.

River said...

I never paid attention to the high/low belly thing. All my babies sat mid/low slightly right of centre, two of them boys, two of them girls.
Your baby will be gorgeous, boy or girl.

bsouth said...

Mmmm, Jimmy Choos and a muscle top, sounds like a fab combination. You should start a style blog.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Silindile Ntuli - Thank you, and welcome!

@MissyBoo - you BETTER humour me!

@Making Babies - Moi ?

@geeksinrome - The Irish have similar sayings, far more vulgar though.

@Mwa - True, no?

@Danielle - Top 10 of what?

@Jane G - Behave, and awwwwwwwwwwwww.

@mybumpyjourney - can't you just see them?

@Russ - then we are having both, seemingly.

@Chelsea Lietz - I do try!

@Ms. Moon - genetics eh?

@womb for improvement - The plan from the start

@Mick - remind me of that at 23 stone...

@Dan - Now now, I can't be blamed for any misinterpretations.

@Veronica - They've horns too....

@Tara R. - ooky sounds about right!

@showmeyourcookies - heh, you're welcome, and er, you're welcome!

@Bonnie B. - I never understood the 'upside the head' slap thing actually

@Middle Aged Woman - Ooooh

@Shanny - ah come on, I said nothing wrong...

@Not Afraid to Use It - EXACTLY!

@Erika - quite fun this end too!

@Chris Mancini - The beauty of not living in the US... We won't be paying the doctor a red cent.

@River - of COURSE it will! ;-)

@bsouth - The Irish gok wan?

~Tanya~ said...

I was told the opposite, high and pointy for a boy, and low and round for a girl. Plus with a girl you are meant to put on more weight. I was round and huge and had a girl.

I reckon its a boy.

Jo said...

Hmm. You don't want sideways. I know it's early, but you want ET bouncing on/leaning over the gym ball (I know that sounds rude, crawling is effective too!) and sleeping on her LEFT side, avoiding doing the TV slump, lie down on her left instead. All ways to getthe baby into a good position for an easy birth.

James (SeattleDad) said...

You had me there. Of course I know it is a boy anyway. Right?

Putz said...

around here, in utar if the mother looks like crap she or he is not going to want to deliver a baby....a moose maybe...this high low business seems like a game of 21 hit me no too low hit me agin oh drats too high....going to be a girl moose

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

You're a bugger, you know?

He/she will be gorgeous. No matter the size of its behind.

A Free Man said...

Feeling the kid's head is creepy. I did that once. Only once.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tanya - Hmmmmmm, we'll see....

@Jo - I want her leaning over a gym ball....
*cough*

@James (SeattleDad) - Right. Maybe.

@Putz - As good a guess as any!

@tiff(threeringcircus) - I have my moments....

@A Free Man - it keeps sticking out various bits so it does!

Momo Fali said...

Crap on a cracker, I have never been so excited for an impending birth in my life! And I have two kids.

Karen MEG said...

Ack, you had me going! No worries, the baby will match any decor.

So many wives tales... I carried low with the boy, yes I did, and I carried all in the front. I was a lot rounder with the girl, and I had more problems with my skin (no lovely preggars glow, just zits). I'd heard that girls suck all the beauty out of you. Nice eh?

whataboutnovember said...

You're such a tease. "It's a boy." I hate you. :)

Sniffle said...

Excellent

Hallucinate doorbells, I've done those drugs.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Momo Fali - Hold tight Momo, a while to go yet. And er, it's probably better if you never say that to your kids....

@Karen MEG - All bull, every last bit.

@whataboutnovember - Mwah!

@Sniffle - why do you always end up imagining doorbells?