Friday, 13 November 2009

Stubbing toes on both left feet

The car seat on the floor has been talking to me.

A chatty bugger too, so he is. Unsurprisingly most of our conversations revolve around the transportation of its future inhabitant.

I’m not best pleased with the tone it takes either – ‘you’ll drop me you know’, ‘you’ll whack the baby’s head against the door frame walking through’, or ‘you’ll tip the baby out putting me in the car’.

I firmly responded, and confidently assured him that none of those things would happen, but in the back of my mind all the while wagging my finger at a talking inanimate object, I knew he had a point.

I break stuff, especially new stuff. My phone and iPod both ended up skidding across car parks within their first week. I catch new trouser pockets in door handles, get paint on new window blinds, and scuff my new shoes.

What if I scuff the baby?

I can’t fetch coffee for workmates without scalding myself on the return, or having to lick someone else’s espresso from the hair on my arms.

I can’t cook rice without it turning into porridge and I don’t think I’ve ever poured myself a drink in my entire life without spilling some.

What if I scald the baby, or spill it, or end up having to lick something off it?

I’m not worried about day to day stuff, I can wipe my own arse and I haven’t starved myself to death yet so I’m almost certain I can manage the same with an 8 pounder, it’s my inherent clumsiness that raises concern.

I’m surprisingly awkward for a short person.

Tripping, stumbling, catching, cutting, and pinching myself are all common events when I have a bag or a cup in my hand, but social services generally don’t bother themselves when I trap a mug in a door hinge, or spill tea on the telly.

It’s the poor underdeveloped and unsupported cranium of the human being harvested in ET’s gut they may be more concerned about.

Can you get crash helmets for babies?


57 comments:

nutsinmay said...

You won't hit the baby's head on your way through a door. The baby will be IN the carseat. If the baby's head is poking beyond the carseat, what you have there is a four-year-old and they can usually manage their own heads at that point.

Babies are surprisingly resiliant and really, really do not mind being licked clean.

As one clumsy flailing person to another (I am permanently bruised on my thighs because I cannot walk PAST a table corner. Into, yes, past, no), I assure you, you will be miraculously careful with the baby. I even fell over holding my niece once, and managed to flip myself into my side in mid air so I would hit the ground first and cushion her (ow). She was fine. She laughed. Harrumph.

Sniffle said...

My paranoia peaked at Christmas, when the possibility of mixing the child with the turkey loomed large. I still have nightmares about this and so does our eldest, Dustin.

Monty said...

I let my Godchild slip thorough my hands and fall on the floor of the church at the Baptism. Trust me, after the first two days of unconsciousness and ICU service, they recover in full.

Besides, the fact that you're short is a blessing.. you can reach the floor faster to either catch it before it falls or to be the first to pick it up.

My length and breadth aren't children friendly. You have it made, fella.

Dan said...

it was the driving back from the hospital with Amy for the first time that got me. Never been so terrified in my life.

Welcome to the world of never ending anxieties.

Veronica said...

Well if you're going to spill something on the kid, I recommend ice-cream or chocolate. Both of those lick off okay.

I knocked Isaac's head on the doorframe as we walked through it today. I felt like a shit, but as he is now pulling up on furniture (!) and falling over, he barely registered it.

I dropped Amy out of her bouncer at 4 months. She screamed like I was trying to kill her, but I think that is because the drop woke her up and she was pissed.

Babies are resiliant.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

Don't worry. Babies bounce. They are designed specifically with the new parent in mind.

Plus, never lick anything off a baby unless you are 100% certain of what it is you are licking.

Ed said...

Joe's right. They are quite elastic those first few months. (Though I wouldn't recommend testing that too often.)

~Tanya~ said...

I raise my hand as someone who has hit the baby's head on the car door. It happens. You are very careful when they are newborn then at a few months old you get a little less careful sometimes but luckily they arent as fragile as they seem at first.

Agreeing with nutsinmay, I slipped at the pool the other day and went underwater, I immediately held Emily out of the water as I fell and her face didnt even go under. I, however panicked at the time thinking she had and swallowed a lot of water through my nose. It hurt. but she was ok.

Corkmum said...

yes they are way more resilient than you think, my 6 day old daughter fell out of the moses basket as I was carrying her to another room, one handle slipped out of my hand and she tipped out on to her head. I think I cried more than her and she survived. She has fallen out of her bouncer, been hit off the door (unintentionally!!), cut her face on a bench, tumbled down the stairs-twice.....accidents are inevitable but all part of the joys and sorrows!

Russ said...

A crash helmet for baby. Damn, I wish I thought of that! I dropped a book on Mr. B the first week I was home with him. Talk about feeling like dirt. At least it was a soft covered book.

Betty said...

One of my earliest memories is of my dad carrying me downstairs. He tripped and fell, a couple of steps from the bottom, and we ended up sprawled on the hall floor. And I turned out ok (more or less).

Ms. Moon said...

I have a theory that babies need a bit of head-bouncing for their brains to develop properly. Just a bit! Tiny amount! Which will happen, no matter how careful you are. And you will be so careful. You will.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I recommend a crash helmet for YOU, as you will be so cautious with the baby, you are likely to sustain your own head injury. I took out my own elbow and shoulder in an attempt to cushion my son who was in my arms as I fell. He was fine, I was sore for weeks. Little bastard enjoyed the ride.

Ginny said...

My husband dropped The Boy the first night he was home. Just kind of rolled him off the couch, and he fell onto the (thankfully) carpeted floor. So his advice is to get that first one out of the way early. And the kid is 6 and a minor genius. Except be can't turn left. But whatever.

Erin said...

Actually, you can.

www.babysfirstheadgear.com

Hockeyman said...

Car seats go in the back seat. If you don't have a back seat, get one.

Putz said...

when kaeren was two, i slammed her finger in the car door and it was so smashed you couldn't fit a thin piece of paper in the space of the the door near her finger,,,, well a new dad alone with her, i freaked our.....the finger came back of course...after a quick visit to the emergency room, babies are so flexable although they arfe also fragile , what am i trying to say.... i just don't know, actually...I JUST DON'T KNOW

Claire said...

Yeah, you can! http://www.simplesafetysolutions.com/Thudguard-Baby-Safety-Hat-Product-13.html?gclid=CNCOlcWmiJ4CFUYA4wodJjsMog

My husband was exactly the same with our firstborn (or any newborn in fact). They seem so fragile, but they're actually quite tough. Do be careful walking through doorways though, I had a few near misses ;)

Erika said...

We've gone ahead and ordered a crash helmet AND a plastic bubble where our kid(s) will spend most of his/her time.

We attended an adoption parenting conference last weekend. Jenn lost her Nalgene water bottle THREE TIMES at various locations in the giant resort complex.

Not a good sign.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

One size fits ALL...
http://headbumpa.com.au/

Minze said...

Did you get around yet to worrying about your baby's genes? My eldest inherited all my clumsiness. As a baby, she'd suddenly whack her head foward, usually straight on my nose. Or the months where she learned to feed herself? She got pureed carrots everywhere. EVERY.WHERE.

Don't worry too much about the baby. It's designed to withstand birth, so the odds are it's going to survive you.

Susanica said...

I suppose you'll just have to let ET carry the baby all the time. You can supervise.

Let me know how that works out for you ;-)

-Monica

Nadine said...

Babies are designed to grow And thrive in spite of human clumsiness. You will do just fine. Trust yourself.

Jenni said...

I bumped Miles' had on door frames multiple times chasing after Oscar. Both boys have fallen off our bed, and Miles fell off the changing table. Oscar fell yesterday and hit is cheek on the corner of a wooden toddler chair. I also once caught Nelson licking mayonaise off of Oscar's head when he was a baby in the front carrier.

What I'm saying is, likey something will happen, but it will not be as bad as you think. They are surprisingly durable, these babies. Thank god for that, particulary for those saddled w/klutzy parents (like me.)

Ryan Lawson said...

You're pregnant? Christ, how long have I been away - awesome!

Anyway, forget the crash helmet; you'll be amazed at how quickly you become an action-hero, bouncing off walls, tucking-and-rolling, runnning through whatever gauntlet with that kid's head protected like you're Bruce Willis or something... as a clumsy oaf myself, I have more bruises than ever, but my little one has remained free of head-trauma. Well, except for when she's head-butting me.

That's fun.

Congrats, sir!

Love, Ry

mybumpyjourney said...

They actually do sell them! Don't worry too much- I hear those little suckers are pretty hardy.
I do understand your concern- I am a huge klutz too. When I was younger my mother took me in tothe doctor b/c she thought I has leukemia from all the bruises. Turns out I am just clumsy.
After spending time with a trainer last year- it was discovered I have the balance of new born cow. She said that causes me to trip over/bump into anything I walk near (tables, chairs, door jams, dust motes.)
I was climbing in to my brother's top bunk to take a nap on a trip home during college, and I somehow managed to get hit eye by a ceiling fan. We STILL don't know how I managed that.
Tell that car seat to just shut up! It is his job to just transport the wee one. You will do just fine.

Anonymous said...

Strangely enough you CAN!! They are called "Thudguard" Baby Helmets, and have ears on the top......presumably to try to make them look "fun" rather than "special"......so you can't be the only parent who worries about these things!

Krista said...

I'm am uber clumsy as well and so far my son has survived to 2 1/2 with no major injuries on my account! I'd be more worried about the kid inheriting your clumsies... mine certainly has. :( Poor guy!

Kori said...

Why is no one completley honest here? OF COURSE you are going to bump the baby's head, maybe not on the door jamb but somewhere. Baby will also slip like a greased pig out of your arms in the tub at least once, it will roll off the couch onto the floor, and I can almost guarantee a bloody nose before age one. I once kncoed Owen off (IN the car seat) a table and it flipped over onto the seat and he was just sort of dangling there like, What the hell? The beauty is that it takes a LOT of force to actually HURT your baby, so it should survive your ineptitude.

Iota said...

I once saw (and I don't recommend you try this at home) a man try and open a Cornetto with one hand while holding a tiny, tiny baby with the other.

He dropped the baby (it really was just days old) over the back of the crook of his elbow, and then (and this is true) caught it an inch or two before it hit the ground. I couldn't work out HOW that could be possible without practice.

He did drop the Cornetto though. His wife who hadn't witnessed the event, saw the Cornetto on the ground and said "oh well, you can always get another one". It was a bit like being in a film - the script and timing were so perfect.

My point is, I think your instincts will kick in. But yes, you do have to be very careful with babies.

My midwife told me "all babies fall off a bed at some point". Mine did.

wildhare said...

I can't believe it...30 comments and only 1 made any mention of the talking car seat. By the way, I agree, tell it to 'shut up' and just ignore it if it keeps yammering.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@nutsinmay - I'm there on the tables too, will bump into every single on.

@Sniffle - boom boom!

@Monty - yes, it must be hard to hold a child with those forked hooves of yours...

@Dan - I'm dreading that.

@Veronica - barely registered it? hmmmmm

@Joe @ IrrationalDad - the licking - good point.

@Ed - like one bungee jump too many?

@~Tanya~ - Yikes!

@Corkmum - that';s er, quite the list of injuries there...

@Russ - not an encyclopedia then?

@Betty - Love the 'more or less'!
(welcome)

@Ms. Moon - you sound wise, but also bluffish ;-)

@Middle Aged Woman - charming!

@Ginny - I'm guessing that didn't do much for his nerves?

@Erin - hilarious, I feel more sorry for those kids with those on than I would if they had their heads whacked off a door

@Hockeyman - Do I seem like I drive around in a two seater to you?

@Putz - ouch ouch ouch.....

@Claire - Just bizarre...no other word for it

@Erika - That's news! great to see things are progressing.

@hairyfarmerfamily - I would have question the fact it's an Aussie site...brilliant

@Minze - Funny you ask, I got an email/proposal thingy to promote some gene testing thing where you can tell if your kid will like eating foam or have a great backhand.
But no, not yet.... yet....

@Susanica - I can't see her going for that somehow...

@Nadine - Dank je

@Jenni - oh dear oh dear...

@Ryan Lawson - 6 months, June the 8th if you're looking for reference points heh.
I'm sure you've been here since then though! I'm not to-the-point- enough I reckon!

@mybumpyjourney - do you STILL have the balance of a new born cow?

@Anonymous - brilliant! your anonymous-ness hints that you've needed them yourself ;-)

@Krista - I love how you add 'on my account'... :-)

@Kori - I think they pretty much ALL said I would.

@Iota - That just sounds surreal!

@wildhare - sometimes the commenters here amaze me, the lack of interest in the talking car seat is one of those days.

areyoukiddingme said...

I, too, am clumsy, AND my charming husband is hypercritical. So, I devised a strategy. He did the nail clipping for the first time, and clipped our daughter's finger. Yay! He drew first blood! He broke the baby first! (The minor victories of marriage.) So, what I'm saying is...let ET do all the dangerous stuff until she breaks the baby. Then, whatever you do will be minor - or the baby won't be new anymore, so you won't have to worry.

rachelbk said...

All I ask is that you don't carry the seat in such a way that it bangs against your leg with every step. I've seen people doing that, and the poor kid's head gets whacked with every step. I just want to scream when I see that!

I have donked Farty's melon on a few door frames, but in my defense, he was wiggling a lot.

Babies are pretty user friendly, not at all like ipods.

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

You will be perfect. Just as you are.

geeksinrome said...

Rolls and rolls of baby fat are nature's air bag. So keep him well-fed, mate.

Of all the bumps my son has had the only remaining scar (so far) is one on his cheek from when his baby sister scratched him 2 years ago.

And here I was trying to keep the cat away from him...

womb for improvement said...

I'm guessing, and correct me if I'm wrong, the chatty car seat is a result of too many hallucinogenic drugs. I reckon, lay off those and you'll find you are far less clumsy.

River said...

Wrap the baby in a three metre thick layer of cotton wool. Unwrap at school age.

Jo said...

I lose everything, especially things that are valuable or meaningful. KEys, money, jewelery, wedding rings...

I had a sudden, hideous revelation,as a broody, scatty teenager who always lost everything, that I would also lose my baby. Leave the carseat on the roof ofthe car, in she supermarket. It killed me.

And guess what?

I never did! Not even close.

I did nearly drown one in the bath though.

It's not the things you fear thatwill get you, so there's no point worrying about it.

I am the best father I can be! I love and accept myself!

LaLaLaLaLa to the car seat voice, it will do no good.

WeaselMomma said...

A helmet doesn't sound like a bad idea for the baby. That and it will be helpful that the child will have a mother. As far as scuffing the baby goes, don't sweat it. Just use a rubbing compound of the same caliber that you use for small scratches on your car. If you do a good job, your wife may never notice.

MissyBoo said...

I can't believe your having conversations with inanimate objects now :)

At 4 days old, my baby rolled off the couch! I tell people all the time, be careful newborns move - and here I was not even taking my own advice! She survived and somehow made it to 4!

Mick said...

I am also extremely clumsy. I trip up over my own feet at least once a day.

Those bloody car seats though. Mine looks as if I've had it for 3 years instead of three months. I've banged it off every wall and door in the house. The baby's quite safe for now though.

Although she would have ended up on the ground of the car park more than once if it weren't for the seat belts :-)

Like Jo, I've almost drowned her in the bath a few times...

Now she's three and a half months, I'm thinking about sanding the corners off every piece of furniture we've got...

Sinead said...

I whacked Z's head off the door frame a couple of times when he was small, you feel pretty rotten when you do it but they get over it:) I am so clumsy that I never bathed Z until he was about 7 or 8 months old and so far AFM is the only one who has bathed No. 2. Pathetic I know, but why tempt fate.

Deb said...

Without question, you're going to bang up your kid. Sorry, I wish I could tell you that you won't, but you will. I have. Neither of them remember those accidents, and honestly, nor do I. I was trying to think of a funny story to share with you, but aside from my son falling off my lap, because he was jacking around once, I can't think of any. That just goes to show they'll be fine.

Deb said...

Although, as I think about it more, perhaps that's why my son can't write his own name yet.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Yeah, that first drop is always painful for the Dad. The kid is always ok, it is just you who will suffer.

AnnB said...

Where do I start? I've dropped 'em, bumped em, almost forgotten 'em,hell I even let one of them enter this world having forgotten his kidneys... and they both still love me so I dunno what to say Xbox - be yourself and enjoy the adventure? If the little 'un's got your genes then he or she will be a bumper too! Good luck!

Chris Mancini said...

Babies are surprisingly sturdy and tougher than you think. Now, I'm not saying you should test this theory, but don't sweat the occasional bonk.

Jared said...

Babies bounce...believe me, I've seen it (not Ace). And they heal quickly too. :D

Sadia said...

You won't knock baby around anywhere nearly as hard as he'll beat himself up. My Jessica has a habit of falling on her head. If it's affected her intellect in any way, the world just lost the next Galileo in favour of an Einstein. Okay, proud mama talking, but my point is that kids' heads are hard.

You have no idea how many doorways I bumped into carrying two carseats filled with baby in and out of daycare, restaurants, friends' houses, etc.. I'm a small person, so (car seat weight + baby weight) x 2 = 1/3 my weight even before my preemies weighed as much as an average newborn.

Sadia said...

Oh, also, birthing small people was apparently the cure for my clumsiness. I can't catch a ball to save my life, but I can intercept the fall of a child with superhuman skill.

merinz said...

As long as you always strap the baby into its carseat, or carry seat or whatever, then all will be okay. Baby will be protected.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@areyoukiddingme - letting her break it sounds like a decent idea actually

@rachelbk - aaaaah, we have a snazzy car seat where the handle turns so you dont have to twist your arm or carry it funny.

@tiff(threeringcircus) - heh...

@geeksinrome - no cats here, thankfully

@womb for improvement - well if it aint Dr House....

@River - noted!

@Jo - I dunno if chanting to myself will help much

@WeaselMomma - Im pretty sure it will have a mother, yes

@MissyBoo - ouch...

@Mick - dont get me started on the pointy furniture!

@Sinead - wait, babies need washing?

@Deb - well, that's er, reassuring...!

@James (SeattleDad) - oh great, not even a shared pain!

@AnnB - kidneys...hahahah, stop, too much.

@Chris Mancini - heh, transatlantic differences in the meaning of bonk...

@Jared - magic johnson type bouncing?

@Sadia - I feel ill!

@merinz - can you guarantee that?

Catherine said...

When His Nibs was new, I remember the midwives could dress him in about 30 seconds, in sort of fast/slow motion like The Matrix. We on the other hand took 15 minutes with shaking hands to accomplish the same task, we were just so scared of breaking him! And that's normal.

Just be aware of what causes common accidents and you'll be fine, minor bumps are inevitable though.

And yes from now on you will have to live with The Fear, just part and parcel of being a parent!

Mwa said...

I've scuffed my babies! And trapped one in a zip. Twice. Also cut into a finger rather than a nail. One week it got so bad Babes called me "baby-hurter" the whole time. (That came back to bite him in the arse not so much later.) Luckily babies are parent-proof.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Catherine - Yikes, thanks!

@Mwa - baby hurter is a very unfortunate title for any Belgian I imagine....

A Free Man said...

In my experience, babies are virtually unbreakable. I think we would have died out as a species or at least eliminated paternal care if they weren't. Relax.