Monday, 23 November 2009

Bungee

Call the cops, we’ve been burgled.

The lowest of life forms have been creeping into our house, maybe when we’ve been out, maybe while we were asleep. They’ve been sneaking into our kitchen, our bedroom, any room where they can sniff out what they want.

They find them, they take them, and they leave.

Somewhere here in South Holland they stash their loot, somewhere there is a hidey hole or concealed shoebox containing the spoils of their thievery, their ill gotten treasure, the torn out pages of our calendars.

Ordinarily the loss of a month or two wouldn’t concern me much, but now that the pixies and elves of time long stolen are up to their games, we are left with only 12 weeks until D day.

Out of nowhere, we are in week 28, and the weeks that pass are only gathering pace. It seems like only yesterday that ET was flat on her back, vagwinking at strangers at a rate of knots.

How can we only have 12 weeks left?

In two weeks we will be back home, a couple of weeks after that is Christmas, surprisingly followed by New Year. When that passes it will leave us 6 weeks from playing ‘amniotic attack’ with various soft furnishings.

To compound the realisation that we are closing in on end game, it’s come to our attention that ET is one abrupt elevator stop from having the kid’s head dangling out for all the world to see.

The midwife today confirmed that the kid is head down, in the bungee position, ready to leap from the pelvic bridge, through carnal canyon, and out into the world below.

I hope its not expecting too much when it gets here.


37 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Oh don't worry. That lost month will be back in spades in the last few weeks before this child is born.
And when it is born- it will be born into a family so full of love that nothing else will matter.
This was so beautifully written. I love it.

Jenni said...

"Vagwinking!" Hilarious!

That baby is going to be so lucky to have you and ET as it's parents, and you're going to fall right into the roll of Dad. it will be perfect.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I second Ms. Moon.

Mwa said...

I always thought that must be uncomfortable for babies, to be upside down for so long. Mine turned very late, and I thought that was so sensible.

Hockeymandad said...

I hope you're stocking up on nappy's!

For these last 12 weeks, it's probably best if you don't voice your opinion too much around the house. Also, avoid any joke that might remotely be interpreted as a "fat" joke. It's safer that way.

Ed said...

Take a nap, man. Store it up!! Trust me--you're going to need all the rest you can get.

Russ said...

Hockey and Ed are right on.

The two words you need in you lexicon, if they aren't already, "yes, dear" Try not to sigh when saying it though. Bad things, man, bad things.

Susanica said...

Time is flying dude. Heck 4 seconds just went by as I typed this. Oh, no! 8 more seconds now as I dawdled before hitting publish! -Monica

Bonnie B. said...

Well, yes, 12 weeks away from the due date, but how many weeks away from that concert you're holding tickets to? The one where I said you'll never go because you won't want to leave Little Fitz? The one where I win that $100 bet we had riding on the outcome? (just thought I'd slip that in there to see if you were paying attention)

Christa said...

Can't wait.

Betty said...

So exciting! :)

Putz said...

YOU CAN ONLY HOPE THAT SHE WILL HAVE A 10 OR 11 MONTHS BABY...that would give you an extra 2 months or you could hopethat she has the gestation of an elephant, doesn't it take them 2 years, or you could quit complaining and suck it up man

Kim (frogpondsrock) said...

Yep, Ms Moon has nailed it. The last weeks will drag on and on and on. The space time continuum goes all stretchy, treacley from about week 38 and you will become convinced that someone is fucking with the clocks.

Ruth said...

Oh my god, so fantastic! Vagwinking - good Lord. You have a language all of your own!

I like the fact that I started reading this blog in Feb 2009, and 12 months later you will have the baby you want!! Nice time-scale as a reader ;)

Kori said...

Carnal canyon? You are losing your ever-lovin' mind! :) 12 weeks, eh?

AnnD said...

You think it's gone fast now, just wait. These last 12 weeks will FLY by! I miss the baby bumps so much! Cherish them!

Oh, by the way...it MIGHT be less than 12 weeks. In fact, chances are it is going to be less than 12 weeks! I would say 9-11 weeks is more likely...

Sarah said...

Just wait until.....

IrishNYC said...

Wow! I cannot believe how close you are!

Of course once baby makes their arrival, you'll completely forget what life was like before it all.

Jo said...

Boob, sleep and cuddles. And burps. And walking up and down. Listening to their daddy's bass voices while lying on their chests. Being floated in warm baths. Snoozing in slings and moses baskets.

This is what babies expect. Womblike and comfy to ease them into this cold, harsh, world.

Veronica said...

Shit, how did that time pass so fast? I think you've sent me time pinching pixies too.

Illanare said...

"Vagwinking"!! SUPERB!

Anonymous said...

Its a boy, I say, they are always head down.....best wishes from Texas! Have wonderful trip home.

River said...

The next ten weeks will zip past faster than lightning. The final two weeks will be the longest ET has ever lived through.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Ms. Moon -Those rose coloured specs need a wipe I reckon... ;-)

@Jenni - Perfection all round!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Copycat.

@Mwa - Practical child.

@Hockeymandad - If I didn't make a fat joke she'd check my vitals

@Ed - That sounds sensible

@Russ - Over my dead body!

@Susanica - you could have had a cigarette instead

@Bonnie B. - exactly 13 weeks to that from today...

@Christa - you've no bloody choice...

@Betty - that's one word!

@Putz - behave yourself putz.

@Kim (frogpondsrock) - I wish!

@Ruth - a year is a long time to stick around!

@Kori - Yes & yes.

@AnnD - hmmm, that does NOT help...

@Sarah - No.

@IrishNYC - that's not a bad thing!

@Jo - Bass eh? better call a neighbour or something.

@Veronica - you're welcome to them.

@Illanare - depends on whether you are the winker or winkee.

@Anonymous - aren't most of them by the time the show up?

@River - great!

Tanya said...

Excellent. My pregnancy felt like forever! Once the baby comes the entire world will change for you guys. It is very exciting!

Minze said...

The funny thing about upside-down unborns is, everyone's patting the upper end of the bump, thinking it's the head.

MissyBoo said...

Ooohhh! That did go quick! Just a short while left until your lives will be changed forever (in a wonderful way, of course) :)

James (SeattleDad) said...

Just when you go to grab him, he is going to shoot back in...

B said...

"the kid is head down"
This is gonna sound stupid, but I thought that was a last minute thing and they had their own little swimming pool up until that point.

I'd be pretty disappointed to wait 9 months and wind up in a hospital on arrival alright.

Hotmamamia said...

Time flies when yu are having fun! It is hard to beleive and as all your commenters I am sure have siad, the best is yet to come! 12 weeks til baby Fitz makes 3!

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I suggest she starts wearing nappies.

That fluid is slippery. And a bastard to get out of the car upholstery.

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

It's exciting.
I can't wait to meet the little one.
Wait until s/he is here, then watch how fast the time goes.

Blink and s/he'll be four.

Deb said...

Ohhh... it just gets faster from here, trust me on that.

I hope the wee one stays head down for you until the big day.

Lightening said...

And then you'll blink and they'll be starting school. Blink again and they're moving out (or not these days as the case may be!). Them little time thieves have a LOT to answer for!!! :)

Congrats man and relax and enjoy the ride! :0)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tanya - that it is!

@Minze - well, personally, I'd prefer my arse patted to my head

@MissyBoo - very very very quick!

@James (SeattleDad) - She's not carrying a salmon James...

@B - they do, but around now, or later, they turn upside down in that pool.

@Hotmamamia - Hopefully so.

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Should be easy enough get it off a bike saddle.

@tiff(threeringcircus) - talking from experience eh ;-)

@Deb - well it's having fun moving around so it could be ANY way by the time it shows.

@Lightening - The sooner it can earn me back some of the money the better!

B said...

I didn't, neither did my brothers... in fact, the younger one wrapped the umbelleiclalal cord around his neck.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - Ye just didn't want to leave...