Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Antsy

It’s getting hard to sit still. It’s getting harder still to not be still in any constructive form.

Half a disassembled wardrobe is blocking the upstairs hall, and half a tonne of IKEA’s cardboard excrement is lying outside our back door, waiting to be cut up and properly discarded. The Christmas decorations are still in the attic and my poor car could pass for an army vehicle it’s so in need of a wash.

We are close enough to be all but ready, and far enough away to be thoroughly unprepared.

I am full of great ideas though, I’ve calculated that with all the bandages and cotton wool left over from the kraampakket, we can insulate the attic. If some lazy bugger would move the Christmas decorations first.

The kraampakket has caused me to suffer an expectant father confidence blow too, it turns out the blue dinosaur in the kraampakket isn’t a blue dinosaur, it’s a blue dragon. Fire breathing et al.

How could I confuse those? This child is in for a rough time with someone who can’t tell Barney from Hannah Montana.

This was the tip of a realisation iceberg. My naivety being my Titanic, and I’m already up to my shriveling Di Caprios in icy waters.

The poor kid is screwed for entertainment.

I can’t do funny voices, other than my default one, I don’t have an imagination, not one whose manifestation into reality wouldn’t land me jail and Mena Suvari in hospital , and I’ve decided children don’t actually like me.

That last I have no proof of, but my boss doesn’t like me and that must mean something.

If I’m going to survive this, this child is going to need low expectations.

And maybe box cutters.


32 comments:

WeaselMomma said...

Keep the bar set low and the kid will have less disappointment in you.

Jenni said...

When I sing, I sound like a cat in heat. Dying. My kids? They love the sound of it. Can't get enough of it.

My point being, you are exactly enough and even if you're not, the kid will love you anyways. Besides, it's not like it will have any one else to compare you to. You're the only Dad it will have, so you'll be the best as far as he/she is concerned.

The Sheila said...

No matter how myopic you are with pre historic and mythical creatures, you and ET will be this kid's heroes. You have to think about all the advantages you will give the kid - the ability to write jaw dropping prose, encyclopediac music knowledge, an inability to wear matching shoes and the strongest, most loving parents around after all you've been through over the last couple of years.

Now go buy an electric screwdriver and finish the Ikea stuff!

Minze said...

That's totally what I'll consult my therapist about. MY DAD COULDN'T DO FUNNY VOICES AND IT SCARRED ME FOR LIFE.

Ms. Moon said...

Yep. That baby is going to love you guys like crazy. No matter what. I love the way Owen's face breaks out into the biggest grin in the world when he hears his daddy or mama. Already he is in love with them and he isn't even three months old. Your baby is going to be the same.

Tara R. said...

When my first born was tiny, the only lullaby I could remember to sing to her was the ABC song. When she started pre-school she would fall asleep every time the teacher worked on the alphabet. How's that for parent fail? You all will figure it out together and the kid will adore you both.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Some fussy babies like nothing better than a low, soft voice. Especially one they've been hearing for nine months from a distance. You need to buy beer and pizza and invite 3-4 guys over to help with the construction/cleanup.

And if Fitz is a boy, in a few years, he'll know enough about dinosaurs to shame an archaeologist.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I can't wait to hear your questions.

heh.

Hockeymandad said...

The great thing about being a father to your child is you only need to be yourself. Just be yourself and your child will love you with 100% of their being. In their eyes, you aren't doing anything wrong and you can do no wrong. Until they become teenagers, but you got some time before that.

You will find the funny voices you never knew you had. They will magically appear the instant you stare at each other in the face. You may not find it at first, but you will when you need it.

The child will love you because you are it's father. It doesn't need any more justification than that.

Trust me.

Putz said...

there is no way you are going to survive you will be less attractive to other women....your wife will spend less time and money on you this too will pass????, no everyting will be permanent...you will be so changed and some negative....you could get fatter, more pimples, less good food,

Ginny said...

Oh please, dragon/dinosaur/ whatever. We have a stuffed animal here, have for years, and to this day, still don't know if it's a hippo or a cow or a monkey (all 3 are entirely plausible). And we're AWESOME at this parenting thing. As will you be.

AnnB said...

Don't worry they all have low expectations - how do you think the rest of us survive? They're well into to their teens before they realise their parents are useless and by then you may have even learned a trick or two! You have time on your side, relax!

Penelope said...

Your own children will like you. they have to. It's in the rules!
(How do you think I got away with it for so long??) ;o)

womb for improvement said...

Starting to sound a little panicked there, Xbox.

Anonymous said...

Okay I am still laughing my arse off about the The kraampakket! Just popping in to see how things were going, can't believe only 9 weeks to go which is right around when my little gem was born (feb. 27th). Hope you three have a lovely Christmas and a very bright New Year filled with sleepless nights, sore nipples and screaming babies. XXX
Deno

geeksinrome said...

If you can fart and burp, you will be highly entertaining and cause hours of laughter and pants-wetting. I know you have it in you ;)

p.s. it will probably only work until they're 12ish and then you become just gross.

J from Ireland said...

Your kids will think you are hilarious, you will find yourself doing anything to make that child laugh, even making a holy show of yourself in the process. Best wishes.

merinz said...

I detect a note of panic here.

River said...

You'll be fine. Just love and comfort (and food and a million other things)is all you need give. The rest will come.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

The kid will love you till it is taller than you.

So, till April tops...

dadwhowrites said...

How do you know it's a dragon? I mean, there are a lot of dinosaurs they haven't discovered yet.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@WeaselMomma - a plan in progress...

@Jenni - a cat in heat? that might explain all the kids popping out

@The Sheila - Encyclopedic music knowledge? Er, I kind of doubt it ;-)

@Minze - I saw it on Rikki Lake

@Ms. Moon - My kid is going to love your daughter?

@Tara R. - ahahahahaha

@Middle Aged Woman - how about a screechy almost pubescent voice?

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - whats the capital of Peru?

@Hockeymandad - Awwwwww. You must have gotten laid after that comment....

@Putz - er, thanks Putz...

@Ginny - thing is, there is no doubt about this, at all.

@AnnB - I havent relaxed in 27 years...

@Penelope - You have a point!

@womb for improvement - ya think!

@Deno - official due date now of 17 feb :-)

@geeksinrome - I can manage that

@J from Ireland - I do that on a daily basis...!

@merinz - Moi!?

@River - a million other things, oh great...

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Bitch

@dadwhowrites - don't be adding to my confusion!

MissyBoo said...

You know all your kid needs from you is *love* and it will survive anything!

Gosh that sounds naff!!! I'm off to try and come up with a more imaginative comment!

People in the Sun said...

As long as you know how to bump into things you should be fine. It's been working for two years now. It could have been less painful to learn to juggle.

People in the Sun said...

But beyond my adorable humor, maybe what you really need to know is that everyone feels inadequate and antsy, so here's my post from two years ago.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Use me as an example. I am utterly talentless but Lukas loves whatever I do. You will be great.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@MissyBoo - Awwwww, how cheesy!

@People in the Sun - I do that by default, so SCORE!
Cool post.

@James (SeattleDad) - Wooo hoo!

Lorna said...

You will be amazed how quickly you learn the names of all the cartoon characters. Such an education as I leave Bob the builder and venture towards Ben 10 et al etc

Jane G said...

You'll be grand. And Barney is only a big fat purple maggot anyway.

Jo said...

Heh.

Enjoy this shit while you can, X, once the baby has landed you won't have time for such self indulgent introspection.

And don't worry! There's nothing like endless screaming to make you reach new heights of inventiveness.

Amy said...

My two piss themselves laughing in the back seat when they blow raspberries at each other. Don't overestimate the comedic value of bodily functions, my friend. Raspberries for the very young, working up to the armpit for the more advanced, then... well. Depends on how hard-core you want to get. But I still get a giggle out of a good fart joke.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lorna - Will have to get the kid into x-files and House or something...

@Jane G - aw poor Barney!

@Jo - Sounds kinky...

@Amy - heheheh