Thursday, 24 December 2009

Because

I’m sitting here on Christmas Eve and I’m of the opinion I may be going just ever so slightly mad.

It’s not because I take my own life into my hands anytime I step outside the door, the 3 inches of ice up and down our road testing my already dubiously misaligned centre of gravity. Cranial blood on fresh snow is a tremendous sight.

It’s not because people have gone demented. Even though there’s no milk in the supermarket, the vegetable aisle is a fire hazard, and I saw an old woman bludgeon a teenage boy to death for the last six pack of Heineken. The shops do open again on Saturday, right?

It’s not because I’m twice as drunk as I ever am because my biblically pregnant other half is sipping horse chestnut juice or some such, leaving me to ‘waste not, want not’ and finish every bottle that gets opened. Those nightclub sized bottles of gin were a bad idea.

It’s not because I’ve noticed that I have a bigger gut, more stretch marks and higher blood pressure than the aforementioned human incubator, meaning that either they squirted that wallpaper paste into the wrong half of this couple or I need to eat a vegetable occasionally.

It’s not because I can’t come up with a second verse to the ‘night before Christmas’ beyond:
It was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
The foetus was kicking, trying hard to get out’

Creativity is dead, I can live with that.

It’s because now, today, on Christmas Eve we are just 7 weeks and 6 days away.

7 weeks, 6 days.

Fa la la la lah, la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!


31 comments:

Ginny said...

You make me smile, you drunk bugger. I am so thrilled that this was the year your miracle happened, that 2010 will be the year your new life starts, and that (hopefully) I get to keep watching it all happen. Big, sloppy, drunken hugs to both ET and yourself. Merry Christmas!!

Tara R. said...

I cannot wait until next Christmas when you have a little ankle biter running around the tree.

Best Wishes for a fabulous Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Kori said...

Wow, this totally brought tears to my eyes....you are so poetic, so full of wise thoughts and deep observations, my own words simply pale in comparison.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Ginny - Awwwww. Plonker.

@Tara R - Many Happy returns.

@Kori - Sarcastic bitch...what? no coffee spitting?

mammydiaries said...

oooh! Getting so close now :) Home for the holidays in the land where Walmart is open 24/7 in the run up to Christmas and we are about to brave the shops for the sake of a photo album and some bread crumbs... Merry Christmas X-Box! I hope it's a great one :)

nutsinmay said...

7 weeks 6 days? Bloody hell, where has the time gone?

Merry Christmas to all three of you. Just think, next year you won't be ALLOWED to get drunk, you'll be too busy mopping up snot and spit and someone else's bottom. It'll be fabulous. Have another on me while you still can.

womb for improvement said...

I guess you are at the point of no return now. (I'm talking about your gut rather than the baby).

Have a fantastic Christmas, you deserve it.

Deb said...

Deck the halls and ready the crib!

frogpondsrock said...

It is Christmas morning here in the future and I am waiting for my son to wake up so that we can have trifle for breakfast. Merry Christmas and a wonderful new year to all of us. xox

Mick said...

6 weeks!! My god. Time flies.

I'd love to be drunk now, make the most of it :-)

An old woman tried to beat me to death with a loaf of bread earlier... True I was trying to steal it out of her trolley, but why the fuck does someone want 10 loaves for?? As you said, the shops'll be open on Saturday...

geeksinrome said...

Cheers, matey! And sorry, I do believe all is closed on Saturday as Europe celebrates St. Stephen (the berated hubby pierced with his newborn child's toy arrows).

He did NOT have a gut b/c he was tied to a post for weeks and some old hag stole all his booze.

Enjoy the peace! Merry Christmas!

Quickroute said...

Should be interesting reading your post this time next year with little one on toe - Best Wishes for Xmas New Years!

Monty said...

This is gonna be your last Christmas as a twosome.

In 7 weeks & 5 days, your dream of a threesome shall come to be.

Merry Christmas, my friend :)

River said...

"I need to eat a vegetable occasionally." Yes, do that.

7 weeks and 5 days now....

Karen MEG said...

Less than 8 weeks? It's just flown by, my friend (well, at least it's seemed to from this side of the screen ;)!).

Have a wonderful Christmas with ET - and I know that 2010 will be a great year with Junior. So much to look forward to!

Ms. Moon said...

Oh, Merry Christmas you old Father, you. And you write better drunk than most of us do stone-cold sober.
I hope it's been a magically cozy day for you and your love and the baby you'll soon be meeting.
Much love from Florida...M

James (SeattleDad) said...

Merry Christmas X-Box! Now go eat a plate of veggies and be good for Fitz's sake.

~Tanya~ said...

oh that nearly made me cry. Memories of my own pregnancy last Christmas. This time next year you will be spending your first Christmas with your beautiful baby. It is so wonderful watching them unwrap their presents and try to eat the wrapping paper and trying to pull over the Christmas tree.

IrishNYC said...

I can't believe you're so close! Merry Christmas to you and the incubator.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I would never have picked you as a Gin drinker.

I suppose you play bridge and go to bingo, right.

Merry last Christmas as a twosome.

Ed said...

Sad thing is, you may lose the weight--but those stretch marks. Yeah, they're not going anywhere!!

Merry Christmas.

People in the Sun said...

Awww... You have a Sympathy Belly!

merinz said...

Hope that you both had a wonderful Christmas and all the very very best for an action packed New Year!

AnnD said...

Um, I'm still hoping it's less than that!

Jill said...

I'm going to blink my eyes and in the next few posts you're (well ET) is going to pop this kid right out. Yikes. I'm ready already... are you? Hope all is well...

gaila said...

Ive been away far too long!
Happy Christmas!!!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@mammydiaries - Thanks, hope you had a good one.

@nutsinmay - No idea, really no idea!

@womb for improvement - Everyone deserves it.

@Deb - 11th January sees the crib arrive ;-)

@frogpondsrock - All the best Kim.

@Mick - Nuts isnt it?

@geeksinrome - No St Stephen here! all the best.

@Quickroute - all the best your end too!

@Monty - not QUITE how I imagined, bet hey, beggers eh...

@River - 7w3d....

@Karen MEG - Cheers Karen, same to you.

@Ms. Moon - secret - I was horribly sober actually. But we need some poetic licence ;-)

@James (SeattleDad) - ;-) Cheers.

@~Tanya~ - It did? You hormonal?

@IrishNYC - Thanks!

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - bite me.

@Ed - Cheers!

@People in the Sun - I've felt sympathy for quite a while now.

@merinz - :-) thanks!

@AnnD - easy now!

@Jill - no one is popping anything!

@gaila - This is true! many happy returns.

Mr Lady said...

I love you drunk.

Also, sorry. I kind of vanished from the world.

7 weeks. That's not too bad at all.

Jenni said...

Love it! Happy holidays to you and ET. Next Christmas, you'll be a trio!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Mr Lady - Deportation will do that to you.

@Jenni - must buy trumpets...

rachel - a southern fairytale said...

AWwwww :-)

SO adorable!
I'm with Tara, I can't wait for pics from Next Christmas when you have that exhausted, yet ecstatic grin :-)

Glad it was a merry one, drunken or not.