Friday, 30 July 2010

Jaws

We hadn’t gone a mile when an unidentified individual asked me a question, ‘So, will ye have any more?’

‘Dan’ I replied to the unidentified individual, ‘that’s a tricky question’.

And it is.

From day one the plan was to have more than one, we both had different numbers in mind but one wasn’t one of them.

The thing is now, we know what can be involved, we know how hard it could be, and we know how miserable you can become when it doesn’t happen.

Those twenty-whatever months hosted some of the darkest days in our lives, and even today I still wonder how we came out of them without one of us throwing in the towel.

You can just about carry yourselves through those times, the problems and needs of anyone else come a distant second.

So how do you go back?

What makes you say ‘I know how bad it can be, but let’s try anyway’? How do you do that when today, here and now, you are more content than you ever could have imagined?

Most importantly there is the matter of what we do have, a wonderful daughter. A wonderful, healthy, happiness-exuding little girl who deserves only smiles of an unforced kind. How would the negative effects of another repeatedly failing conception attempt affect her?

When failure is entrenched in their past, how do people decide when to try again?

What do you do when the desire and appreciation for the potential reward is there, but the risks are greater than ever?

When do you go back into the water?


35 comments:

Jodie said...

Going back in the deep dark waters is tricky. But you will both know in your heart of hearts when the time is right and when your family is complete. But remember when you go back again you can/will skip all the waiting around.

Anonymous said...

We had the same situation... different numbers in mind, but one was never a thought. Now that we've been down the long road to one, I'm not so sure. The husband is pretty sure he's done, and we're both positive we'll not seek medical intervention ever again. I just could not handle it again, mentally. I'd lose what little is left of my mind. So, while we're not actively trying, we're not taking any preventive precautions.

IrishNYC said...

Well crap! I'm the anon up there at 12:19!

Tara R. said...

Our kids are four years apart in age. Initially we thought we would only have one child. Once we did decide we would like to have a second child, it wasn't that we specifically tried to conceive, we just didn't try not to.

If you and E do decide you'd like to try to conceive again, my only suggestion is to try only because you want to and not because you feel other people think you should.

Jo said...

Well. Will the hospital make you go through another two years of trying naturally? Because if not, if you look at the IUI independent of that, it was pretty instantly successful, after the smaller dose of chlomid.

Russ said...

Only when you are ready. Should you be ready. I would say to relax and enjoy what you have and let the rest fall into place.

Hockeymandad said...

We had planned for 2 years and got 18 months. Having them close together is wonderful in my opinion because the stream of diapers never stops and restarts, it just goes on and ends forever. Now, they are like best friends and play together constantly.

In your case, make sure you both want number 2. Decide how far you will go to get it and let the chips fall where they will. There should be no stress this time, just let things happen.

Heather said...

I simply had to look at my older daughter to know that we would have gone through any amount of time and sorrow to bring her into our lives, and likewise we would go through nearly anything to give her a sibling. It took us many years with many losses and some medical intervention, but now, finally being able to listen to my girls giggle together, all the sacrifices and tears were well worth it.

If we needed more than minimal medical intervention, if financial matters were more difficult, or if my health were in question we may have rethought our vision of our family. But we had nothing other than a long string of bad luck that kept us from bringing a second child home, and bad luck was not a good enough reason for us to stop trying.

Rebecca said...

My husband had 3 in mind, I had only one in mind, we had two and couldn't be happier. Our boy, and our girl both bring such happiness to our world. But we have 2 because that's what was in God's will. If you want 10 kids, then you'll have 10 kids.....but if your beautiful daughter is all you want, then by all means stop. Don't let society persuade you otherwise.

areyoukiddingme said...

I guess you consider that now that you know what's involved, you will not necessarily have to go through 2 years worth of disappointment and stress. Unless the health service there makes you do so...

Don't wait too long, though, because that just causes more problems. (Can you guess that I might have some experience in that particular arena?)

Catherine said...

Hugs my short Irish friend. You'll find your answers under a mossy stone somewhere, probably when you least expect them.

ps - when you do tell me what they are, I don't know for us either! With careers (or rather the need to acquire some), the fun that is pregnancy and sleep deprivation I just don't know. Maybe in a few years.

unmitigated me said...

It took us two years to conceive our daughter, so we started trying again when she was 14 months old, because we didn't want them to be too far apart in age. I got pregnant the second month, so our kids are 4 days short of being two years different in age.

The Sheila said...

I'm still stuck in that two year fog right now and have been for quite a while. I have come very close to throwing in the towel lately, but it's stories like yours that keep my head up and make me want to try again (particularly the beautiful photos!).

The other reason that keeps me going is that if we were to give up now, I don't want to look back in 5 years and wish I hadn't given up. I can't have those regrets hanging over me, no matter how hard things are now.

How do you think you will feel in 5 years if you try / don't try now?

ladyshanae said...

The second time around for us wasn't nearly as rough as the first time. We waited nearly 9 years until a doctor finally was able to help us. Then, when our princess was 18 months old, we decided to give it a go again and here I am, 4 months along the road to another baby!

Emotionally I went into it all knowing that it might not work again. But we were lucky and it did. I think, since you've been through it before, at least you know what to expect and you can prepare yourself for it. And if it doesn't work out, you still have your little angel to come home to and cuddle and love.

As I'm sure you know, she is a doll and I love the pictures you share!

WhatAboutNovember said...

Would you have to wait another two years of "trying" on your own before they would help you out again?

Mwa said...

I think it might be less bad with a second. It took us over two years to even conceive our second, with a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy in the middle (horrible operation), and yet it wasn't as bad as the much shorter time we had to wait for number one. You never know, maybe it will happen naturally now you're basking in the happy baby hormones. They do say that happens.

Sinead said...

You should go for it. You have had it too easy with this gorgeous sleeping through the night, smiling all the time baby of yours! You need to experience real parenthood:)

Seriously though, was part of the reason it was so tough the first time because of the fear of never realising your dream of having kids. At least now you have a beautiful daughter, so that isn't as much of an issue. I would at least speak to the clinic and see what would be required of you both in terms of waiting and treatment options. plus you are Irish and i am assuming catholic, you aren't programmed to stop just at one. They might revoke your citizenship.

Ro said...

You'll both know when the time is right to try again and you'll also both know how much strength you have inside to cope with whatever gets thrown at you.

Veronica said...

I'm going to repeat what everyone else has said. You'll know when it's time to try again, IF you ever get that feeling. You might not, you know?

But, the second time around, you can skip straight to IUI, no?

Irritatingly Optimistic said...

For once I ain't got nowt no say. Maybe you need a night out together and several drinks and who knows. But I'm just talking crap really. So don't mind me.

Nick McGivney said...

You must trust in the scientific formula. C2H5OH. There are side effects. You end up with gaps in your memory and a seven seater munchkin carrier.

steph said...

I understand your dilemma.

However, you asked a question and my answer is... listen to your heart. It will tell you all you need to know.

In the meantime, let the fun continue!

Putz said...

multiple multiply the earth means 18 kids per household and mormons are expect to double that to 36>>.we have thirty and are awaiating 31 ourselves>>>they are due every 2 months>>>of course you know about our first which took 48 months>>.love the putz

Insomniac Mummy said...

While we didn't have to go through what you did to finally become parents, we did have trials and tribulations of our own.

I'm prone to miscarriage, and once we finally had Ethan I wondered if I could go through the heartache of losing another baby. Eventually we tried again, and sadly I miscarried once more.

We held our breath and decided that we did want another child so all we could do was try again and hope for the best. Which eventually led to my lovely Elodie's arrival.

If it is right you will know. Just give yourselves time.

xxx

Keith Wilcox said...

I suppose whatever you have to do and want to do is what you'll do, and you'll handle the adversity as it comes. I wouldn't know how to answer the rhetorical question you pose about when to try again because only you can know it. Whether you do it or don't do it (pun intended!), either way it's all good. :-)

Wow! Rereading my response I can tell how unhelpful that was. Sorry!

maggie, dammit said...

I'd been wondering if this was on your mind at all. Thank you for saving me from asking.

AnnD said...

Wow....I don't know.....I would have to say that your guts will tell you when to start trying again.

I don't know what it's like going through medical treatments and constant disappointment but I would venture to guess (maybe, perhaps...) that Sanne will provide a much welcome respite from that stress.

I really don't think that you guys will have less smiles for her than what she would normally be getting. During times of high stress in my life, I could usually find some solace in playing with Emma and it might be the same.

Are they going to make you go through 2 more freakin' years before they give you another IUI?!?!

Anita said...

Oh gosh. Your post, I have discussed many times over.

Would never go there again. My heart would ache if my son ever witnessed my state of mind, at that time. Not fair.

Jane G said...

It's always the same, when you don't have any kids people will as you when you are having them, and once you have one, you will be asked when you are having more. If you have two of the same sex, you'll get the comments on "going again for the boy/girl". So irritating!

Like the other commenters asked, how long would you have to try on your own before you could get on the waiting list for IUI again?

I know what you went through was horrendous for you at the time, but you were extremely fortunate to have a healthcare system which gives you free fertility treatment. You were successful on your first attempt at IUI which is fairly unusual I would imagine. I can't imagine that going again could be nearly as bad as the first time, given your successful track record with IUI. You will know yourself when the time is right.

Steve said...

We never had to go through IVF but being an "older" Dad (40 at conception) I was grateful for even one child and expected no more. As we were lucky enough to have a second I have to tell you that seeing and hearing them play together is magical. It also gives them company and us a break!

Good luck finding your way.

geeks in rome said...

Trying for a second after having a live, happy beautiful first in your arms is sooo much more doable.

Part of the devastation of TTC when you start with zero babies is that you fear all this torture and shame will never reap any reward.

But you did it. You won gold after a lot of hard work and suffering. You know it can work, but when and how, who knows.

It is much different and, I found, much easier the second time around because there is always an adorable baby to snuggle away your sorrows with when things don't go as planned.

p.s. based on Mango's absolute gorgeousness you and ET better plan on having 10 babies. You two make magic!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@ALL - The doctors said we could just make contact with them the 'next time around' and it would be taken from there.

Aside from the fact there are no guarantees, you don't walk in on Monday morning and walk out the next day pregnant, my point was more the mental side of it. A day of that darkness is not something I'd wish on anyone.

Especially myself, ET, or our wee girl.

AMH said...

After a couple of years of infertility, and several losses, our son is our happy ending, the prize at the end of the rainbow, the light at the end of the tunnel, pick your cliched metaphor. We went through absolute hell and our marriage barely survived. I can't imagine going back and trying again. In a way, it almost seems to devalue my son, to have another child after the epic struggle to have him. With my son, we are whole and complete, so fantastically happy. We so appreciate him and each other. We feel complete, even if this is not the family size we'd always expected.

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Tiff's mum said...

Let me know through Tiff if you need another pair of yellow booties. 'Til then, just celebrate and enjoy your gorgeous little bundle of joy.