Wednesday, 15 October 2008

You know I can be found

"There's something there".

Mmmm. Sleep.

"There's something there".

Fuck, what now? spider? mouse? herd of cattle? Half awake now.

"There's definitely something there..." she repeated, flopping down beside me and shoving it in my face.

"...look".

Shit. There is too.

No way.

Impossible.

Squinting through my sleep glued eyes and sure enough, faint, but obvious.

A pink line.

I'm not sure what we did for the next half an hour, I started it out telling her not to get carried away, it was impossible due to the temperature drop, but I finished it trying to convince her it could be, as faint as it was, it counted as a positive.

Not even 40 minutes after my rude awakening, it had vanished.

3 hours later it was over. Finished, along with cycle nineteen. A false positive.

The red menace sailed into port before lunch and I really don't know what to say now.

I feel like I should use an "At least..." line in here somewhere, but I can't think of one.


114 comments:

loveyh said...

Oh, no! My heart is breaking for both of you. Is it possible it's spotting due to implantation? With my youngest, I thought I had lost her too, but it was just spotting.

I'm trying to keep a ray of hope.

((((hugs))))

Momo Fali said...

I cried with joy. I really did. And then I cried with sadness. I didn't think there was any such thing as a false positive, so I was sure this would have a happy ending. I'm so sorry it didn't.

sky girl said...

The chances of a false positive are so slim. How unfair!

Mr Lady said...

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Megan said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry! =(

((((GINORMOUS HUGS)))

Kori said...

I have been told many times that a false positive is REALLY REALLY unusual; usually if a test is wrong, it says negative when it really is positive. How bad is the menace? Is is just light? Becuase-well, hell, I will just gor right on ahead and agree with Mr. Lady. FUCK.

nh said...

Just... just... just... oh bollocks!
I'm sorry, I'm crying (sorry again - emotional at minute). Wine & Chocolate are always a good answer at times like this!

(((hugs)))

RobMonroe said...

I'm with Mr. Lady:

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Firstly, let me say that I'm so very sorry. It was definitely Your Turn. No Question.

Secondly - do try peeing on a second stick. Not you, obviously, you missus. If that also shows a faint line, it's a chemical pregnancy - very sadly, not one destined to go any further by the sound of it - not a false positive. A faulty pee-stick or an evaporation line are possible, I grant you, but the fact that the red menace has arrived a day or so late (?) is indicative of a false start - but nevertheless, a start. And if so, perhaps the fact that sperm and egg are not turning their little backs on one another and refusing to get it on, may possibly provide you with your 'at least'.

But either way, a failed cycle still sucks. I'm really sorry.

Spiders & mice are normal problems in most households. Cattle are not. I do feel vaguely guilty when I wake Hubby up to rescue me from the tarantulas he calls house spiders, but he never looked even faintly apologetic when the police woke us up at 3am to tell us that a herd of our cattle were out and making a bid for freedom into the next county. Even when I had to run around in the dark, chasing shaggy heads in the moonlight. Meh.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@All - thanks very much. it is oddly surreal.

There is NO doubting this, or confusing it with spotting or anything else, zero.

Marie said...

*forehead on desk*

Katie J said...

shit fuck.
I'm so, so sorry...

::hugs::

tysdaddy said...

I'm so sorry . . .

Jill said...

Oh feck

I was so hoping... so very much.

nutsinmay said...

I am so so sorry. Shit.

It was so absolutely your turn.

RRP said...

I think I threw up in my mouth a little when I read the part about the faint line. I can't remember the last time I was that excited.

And then I kept reading.

Sonuvabitch.

Looks like I'm right behind you guys - got the telltale migraine today, Aunt Flo's telegraph that she's on her way. What a whore.

So so sorry.

(And yet, I'm with the others... If there was a faint line, maybe just check again tomorrow, just to make sure... perhaps it was twins and, well... I don't know, I'm just saying, if that line was there...)

Russ said...

It's been a pretty crappy week in the blogosphere. I'm almost afraid of the cup tomorrow.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Well that just adds suck to an already sucky Wednesday!

Aunt Becky said...

Stupid fucking chemical pregnancies. I'm so sorry.

Joe said...

Sheizer (or something like that)

At least you're good company on the infertility train ... wooh, wooh! (but would love to boot your ass off soon ...)

joe said...

Shit.

Christi said...

I don't think I was breathing there for a few moments... then I kept reading. I am so sorry.

Chris said...

was wondering if i could say FUCK on your board as that was the first thing that came to mind. guess i can, but sorry i'm not saying it gleefully. fucking teasing pink line bitches.

(((hugs)))

M+B said...

Oh buggar! I was getting so excited for you.

Quickroute said...

SHIT! - that is just cruel

DrSpouse said...

Oh blurgh. That's really unfair. Sounds like a "chemical pregnancy" (horrible phrase).

AnnD said...

That was the worst blog ever. My heart was jumping leaps and bounds and I was thinking: "YES! YES! OH MY GOD IT'S POSITIVE!"

Then...I read on....

My thoughts are with you and ET righ now hon. I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry.

ORKMommy said...

Damn it...that's so not how I wanted that story to end. Can't we get someone to rewrite it and make it end with "The faded pink line turned bright pink!".

I haven't commented lately, but I have been lurking and I think of you frequently in my own quest for the bright pink line..

Christa said...

:(

*hugs*

:(

Fuck.
fuck
fuck
fuck

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@All - Again thanks.

To be very, very clear, it was not a chemical pregnancy.

Basal temperatures had dropped for two days, a subsequent test is 100% overwhelmingly negative.

A faulty test, an evaporation line, who knows, but a false positive.

Nothing else.

Sarah said...

Shit. I'm so sorry.

Heather said...

Aw Shit. I was beyond thrilled for you for a while there.

Wallow in your shittiness for a day or two. You'll find your hope and excitment again, or rather, it will find you. I haven't lost it after two years, two miscarriages and a stillbirth. There is always hope, and that keeps us going.

Susanica said...

Oh xbox. I couldn't help but skim down your post and as soon as I saw the words "pink line" I literally jumped up out of my chair. And then I read it all.

I'm so sorry for this emotional roller coaster you and ET are on. Months before concieving Danny we had a similar experience. A very faint pink line in the early morning that made us giddy yet completely unbelieving. When the "red menace" came at day break we were both devastated. So incredibly sad. I just tell you this to share that you will experience more sadness AND more joy on this journey than you can even imagine. I truly believe that. -Monica

Claire said...

God XBox I am so sorry, can't imagine how you and ET must be feeling, it's so crushingly unfair. I am hoping this is the false start that precedes your Olympic gold medal, and that you are not feeling too horrendous this evening. Hugs

morninglight mama said...

Fuckin A. I'm so damn sorry. This is just beyond belief at this point. I do hope knowing that there are so many people out here in the blogosphere rooting for you guys brings even the teeniest bit of comfort.

iVegasFamily said...

I didn't think false positives were possible. Apparently they are. It's so unfortunately. It seriously fucked with you. And us. I was so hopeful.

Sorry dude.

Jenni said...

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

I know it doesn't relaly help, but that's all I can think to say. Just shit.

Jenni said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Penelope said...

Oh God! I held my breath through that entire post! I know everyone is saying it but I am so sorry!!!
Fuckbollocksarsetitswank!

Kate said...

Shit. So sorry.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Oh.

Oh, hon.

:(

Lilacspecs said...

I am so so sorry.

alicat413 said...

FUCK.

so sorry. it's all that comes to mind & i know it doesn't help.

i'll keep sending all my good fertility vibes your way hoping that next cycle works.

((hugs))

frogpondsrock said...

Fuckfuckfuckfuckityratbrainshitbumfuck

Marissa said...

stupid fucking piss stick.
stupid fucking red menace.
stupid fucking cycle 19.

i'm so very sorry.
this is so stupid fucking unfair.

:(

Tismee2 said...

aarrrrggghhhhh.

I wish I could slap something for you.

I really feel for you both - funny that considering I wouldn't know you if I passed you in the street.

Sack Spencer, get in the big guy!

James Austin said...

Ah Crap, sorry man! We had a number of those and they always sucked.

tiff said...

Oh honey.

God there is nothing to say. Nothing at all.
I am sorry, for you, for ET, fro the false hope. It's like a big slap in the face.

Karen said...

Judging by the number of comments with the words shit and fuck in them, it's is painfully obvious that I, too, will not have adequate words to convey how sorry I am.

Though you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

Bluestreak said...

xbox i was getting all excited while reading the first half of your post, my heart was all fluttery. And then I read the second part and felt sad and then realized that how you felt would be that magnified by a billion zillion. :(

It's shitty.

zakary said...

Fuckity fuck.

I'm sorry that this is so hard.

Hugs~Z

Mama Smurf said...

I just don't even know what to say.

Oh fuck and shit have been covered.

At the risk of sounding rediculously redundant I'm so sorry for you both.

My heart is just sinking for you.

Praying really hard that you two find your happy ending very soon.

serenity said...

Fuck and shit have been covered, but I'm going to add mine to the mix.

I got a false positive once, on a FRER. It was hell. Especially with AF arrived that very day.

Love and hugs to you both. I'm giving a huge finger to the universe as well.

prayingtodarwin said...

According to Babel Fish, in Dutch, the word "shit" is still "shit". (I'm so sorry.) (I realize it's too soon, but I'm going to start cheering for cycle 20 now.)

Feebee said...

I'm so sorry :(

womb for improvement said...

Damn. Nothing new to add to the comment above . You know we're all desperately sorry and really hoped this time would be different, take time and take care.

Sadia said...

I've been sitting here at my keyboard for 60 seconds trying to figure out what to say.

"I'm sorry" is all I have.

DD said...

I don't think I've ever been so excited and so crushed for someone in a blink of an eye like this.

*FUCK* may be an overrated knee-jerk verbal response, but fuck if it doesn't fit.

amy said...

:( X... So sad for you guys. Take care of yourselves.

Elaine said...

Nothing I can say will make you feel any better, just know our hearts go out to you.

Rob said...

I have sacked the midgets.

My wife and I had this, plus two miscarriages.

I'm not saying it will happen, only that it can happen.

And if there is any justice in this godforsaken world, it will happen for you guys.

Keep on keepong on

Fe said...

Awwwww shit. I was SO excited for a minute there.

My heart is breaking for both of you. I have no other words... just..

((((((hugs))))))

Veronica said...

Fuck.

Again.

Amber said...

are you sure it's not implantation bleeding? it wouldd be the right time.....otherwise, i'm really sorry.

IrishNYC said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Fuck.

Chuck said...

I've been waiting months to be among the horde wishing you both congratulations. I thought this was it.

Continue waiting, right long with you, we shall. I'm really sorry.

darcie said...

ugh.
So very sorry that it wasn't this month...but we're not giving up.

maggie's mind said...

That. Just. Sucks.

Lisa D said...

I'm so sorry. I was really excited when I was reading about the faint pink line. I am just so , so, so sorry. :( There is nothing else to say.

Laurie said...

Oh, Box . . . so sorry.

Paint it Black said...

Its all been said already but this news sux big hairy donkey balls, sorry

kittyconcerto.com said...

My heart was POUNDING! I hope she takes another test because you just never know...... A false positive is not usual.

Tara R. said...

shit! I was hoping for some good news for you.

Jenn said...

Shit.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

My heart is broken for you guys, truly.

Zoeyjane said...

Fuck. You totally had me at 'a pink line' and then I started crying.

nola said...

You are fucking kidding me. Pardon my language. But that is just, I, FUCK! F U C K!

What a heart wrencher. I am so sorry for that awful tease. But DO DO DO stay positive. You ARE on the right track. You ARE!

Sue said...

Bugger!

Fuck. I'm so sorry. I know there are those brands with disappearing positive. Sounds like you got one. I've had those, too.

Double fuck.

I'm so so sorry.

Kelley said...

I had to read this 4 times.

Fuck.

Dude, that... shit.

Fuck.

Yeah, I am totally eloquent.

Tyler said...

Can it be said anymore? FUCK! I got soooooooo excited at first and then....fuck

GoaldeeBug said...

*speechless*

Heartfelt hugs to you and ET

FUCK!

Breigh (Canadutch) said...

aarrrrgggggh, I really got excited there for a minute, I can only imagine what it was like for you. Damn.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@All -

Jesus folks, that's an awful lot of shits, and fucks, and sorrys.

Thanks everyone, we really very much appreciate your thoughts and blatant use of vulgar language.

Dan said...

Bugger.

Krista said...

I am really sorry. :( We had our own case of that this morning. Ugh. (because I'm not a swearing person I won't, but I'm thinking it)

On a random note... could this be something you should bring up with the doctor? If there are some hormones there is there a possibility that there was a fertilized egg, but it's not "sticking" real well? I don't know how all the things work, but I know I've had some friends with some wacky infertility issues that I never would have guessed.

River said...

Oh DAMN!!! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!!
I was so excited for you both, then I read 3 hours later......BUGGER!
Is it the "usual" red menace? Or maybe a little different? Smaller flow? Not lasting as long? Could still be a "false alarm" menace?
With my first child I had a period, but was still definitely pregnant as evidenced 8 months later when she emerged well and truly "over-cooked".

Tracey said...

That is just too cruel for words. I'm so, so sorry. Just...I'm sorry.

Sinead said...

Ah shit. That sucks.....

Light said...

I rarely comment, but I sure do hope for y'all and that stinks! I'm sorry. Keep your hope alive!

Kathryn said...

Aw, shit! My heart skipped a beat when I first read your post. I was about to go hunt down some champagne and make a toast to you guys.

Honestly, if I could rip out my ovaries, uterus and bottle up some sperm, shake it all up and have it all stick together the right way....I'd fed-ex it to you in a heartbeat.

Vacant Uterus said...

I'm so sorry. It's just cruel to see a pink line and then have it all washed away.

Big D said...

That is the WORST smack in the face. I'm so so sorry. :-(

sarah said...

Oh my god this is just terrible. How unfair for you all. I am just so sorry...

Rikki said...

Shit. That freaking sucks.

Here till the end (I am not messing with it again)....

Rikki

bsouth said...

shit shit shit shit. shit.

Huckdoll said...

I thought this was really it :(

I wish the fates or Gods or whatever/whoever it is would stop fucking with you two. Not fair.

I'm sorry man. Major (((HUGS))).

Leslee said...

This sucks. I'm so sorry.

Jen said...

I am so very sorry.

Stella said...

oh hell.

i was on the EDGE OF MY SEAT reading this.

bullocks. total poppycock.

i'm sorry x.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Bugger. So sorry you two. Bugger.

Amber said...

fuck fuck fuck.

Cindy (and Brian) said...

CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!
I am sorry. Nothing unique to add, just sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

Don't give up.

hotmamamia said...

I almost screamed with excitement for you, then I cried...I am so sorry...do NOT give up...do NOT!

Tanya said...

Did you take her to the doctor?

Isnt a false positive imposible unless its from medication thats been taken?

That's really strange.

I read that sometimes the egg can be fertilised and then doesn't implant properly and AF will be a few days late. If you test on the day its due its faint positive, then a few days later its negative. Its hard to say though, the human body is a strange thing.

Kat said...

Crap.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@All - Again, thanks very much.

That's an awful lot of vulgarity you've spouted in the name of support.

Your willingness to curse leaves us speechless...almost...

;0)

Horse Chick said...

X & Et,
another piece of my heart just broke off for you guys...I am so very sorry. :-( I'm sure you know we all love you guys and wish we could make this all better for you two.
{BIG HUGS} to you both.

Missives From Suburbia said...

I can't think of any curse words that everyone else hasn't already used. So just know that I'm thinking all of them right now. I already know you're heading off for the procedure soon, and I hope that goes smoothly. I want it to yield NOTHING -- nothing amiss, because that's the best possible outcome. But I know not having answers will be painful, so I hope if they find something, it's easily resolved.

Dorky Dad said...

Man, does that suck. I'm so sorry X!

Alyssa said...

How absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@All - again, thanks guys. It's appreciated.

Elle Charlie said...

This is a late comment, I was out of town, but I'm so sorry for you both - the dashing of hope is worse than no hope at all sometimes. I felt so happy when I started your post, and so sad for you at the end. I am so glad to hear you have an appointment scheduled soon. Hopefully they will be able to tell you something that will be helpful!