What do you do when you don't conceive?
I don't mean in terms of tests or treatments, which are a million miles off at the moment anyway, but rather how do you pick yourself up and get on with being a fully functioning spouse, friend, or employee.
I'm a bit of an obsessive person, when I set my mind on something, it gets 100% of my attention, focus and energy. This can be very good in some respects, especially with work and socially.
But what happens when what you focus on isn't totally within your control?
I foolishly believed, as did many others from what I've since read, that once we decided to start our family that it would happen as simple as ABC. This hasn't been the case, and in retrospect that's no great surprise considering the statistics, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.
People have even commented to me that it's taken them 18 months. Frankly, I could not last that long, my sanity certainly couldn't.
For the last 24 hours I've struggled to hold a conversation with my wife, and today isn't looking any better. I know we are both dissapointed and a bit of quiet time is good for relection etc but what happens after 4, 5, 6 months and further ? In the long run this cannot be good for anyone involved.
So, now I'm not struggling with the (blatently premature) notion of not having a family, but with the thought of how I would or would not react to and handle this.
Then again, in a moment of philosophical vividness, I think that perhaps this is nature's way of preparing me for being a parent, trying to iron out my obsessive tendencies and laying out in full colour before me the fact that I will not be able to control what, when and where things happen.
Well, thats the silver plated lining that's getting me through for now at least....
I think I will bring flowers home to my wife this evening, just to tell her that I'm not intentionally being a 'james blunt' and they won't even be even service station ones either....