Wednesday, 30 July 2008

The eagle has landed

The family visitors have arrived, and low and behold, so has the end of another failed cycle.

16 gone now. Six-fucking-teen.

Excuse me while I shut the door on my visitors for a moment, stick my fingers back my throat, and vomit out these words.

I don't like these numbers anymore, I want them to stop.

We've had enough of this game, we've paid our dues, been taught all the valuable lessons, and we just want it to happen.

I don't know how much more 'laughing about it' I can stomach.

I can do without having to play host for the next week too. I thought that having the distraction would be a good thing, but I hadn't fully thought it through.

Showing folks around the sights means of course coming face to face with strangers and their families, enjoying their own holidays.

We will be standing on the sidelines, as spectators.

We are not all that disappointed anymore, but we are royally sick.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must clean my face and gargle mouthwash, and go back to being a happy host for the next week.


100 comments:

Bluestreak said...

hang in there, having visitors is always a double edged sword. you don´t always have to laugh about it. your writing is damn good either way.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

I'm so sorry.

And to have to entertain on top of it all. At least by the time your visitors depart, you'll be that much closer to starting the next cycle.

Thinking of you guys

Kelley said...

Damn. OK. I will say it. I just wanna give you a hug.

Damn you.

Aoj and The Lurchers said...

I'm sorry :(

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Aw man, that sucks.

frog ponds rock... said...

Bloody hell.. Time to go and get drunk I reckon..

Immoral Matriarch said...

I'm sorry X. :(

Hockeyman said...

Aw hell....nothing I can say but offer a pat on the shoulder.

womb for improvement said...

Sorry to hear that (again). Here's hoping the monitoring of the next cycle throws something up.

Angel said...

You don't always have to laugh about it. Scream, kick, cry, curse... go ahead. We'll wait right here until you get it out of your system.

And if you do it all in front of the company, you'll scare the shit out of'em, and maybe they'll leave early?

TheChrisD said...

Hard luck. Here's hoping the next one will bring good news!

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

You know how we all feel, but I must type out again that I am so sorry- bc I am - I am so sorry and it is like I am sick about this and you are strangers to me- only yr not...Yr a couple that is going through the same thing at the same time as my dear friends here in real life. I am so praying for the four of you. so hard.

Sinead said...

Ah shit. That sucks. I am sorry you have to be around people right now.

Rikki said...

Sumbitch. That freakin' sucks. Sorry X.

Here till the end.

(((HUGS)))

goaldeebug said...

God dammit! :( Honey, there is nothing to say or do to make it better. I wish. Hugs and love to you and ET.

tysdaddy said...

"I don't know how much more 'laughing about it' I can stomach."

Take a moment to cry then, my friend.

This post hurts. I've been there; though our circumstances are quite different, when you're going through shit . . . and it never seems to end . . . there comes a time when it's just not funny anymore.

I wish for you some kind of peace . . .

Chaos said...

Shit! That sucks, sorry. Hope the monitoring, next cycle goes better. :(

PG said...

man, something's just gotta break your way for once. It's just gotta.

Hope the tour guide duty pleasantly surprises you and you have some laughs this week.

Bettina said...

hugs.

That just sucks.

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

I'm so sorry, dude. That just tears it. You are in our thoughts …

'That Girl' said...

I'm so sorry.

AnnD said...

There's nothing I can say. I am so very, very sorry.

DD said...

I swear, if it wasn't probably really illegal (and just a tad weird), I would tell you to package up some of your wife's blood and your sperm and send it to my clinic to run some tests...just to be doing something!

Also, while I know you are counting up the number of cycles failed, at some point you will be able to count down how many you must go though in order to have you case reviewed. Small consolation, I know.

D said...

No words I can say - Just want you to know that I admire you for writing so openly and honestly and sharing your story with us all. Try and have some fun with your company - and when they are gone...you are that much closer to the next time you get to have some fun trying - keep your chin up and send love from the MN to ET -
Hugs from the MN - darcie

Breigh said...

Shit.

Not much you can really say after another disappointing cycle, is there? Just... shit.

I totally get you on the having people around and going out and seeing all those families. I often had a bitter 'Oh fuck off and take your babies with you!' feeling when I was out and saw all these happy new mommies and daddies. Took a while but that has finally passed.

One thing I'd change if I could go back is I would never have told a soul about us TTC. Now, YEARS later I still get friends and family asking me about it. You know, it's been years and there's no baby. Don't really need to ask anything, there's your answer right there. So zippit!

Oops, I'm ranting again. Lets go back to... SHIT!

Middle Aged woman said...

Well, fuck. I'm really sorry. We went through the same thing. I'm sure you've heard all the advice you want to hear, but let me share and you can feel free to delete or ignore. Find a doc, like mine, who did a lap and a D&C. It's the only way I got pregnant. Twice.

Kate said...

I'm really sorry about the failed cycle. It sucks having to put on a happy face.

the planet of janet said...

crap.

Feebee said...

I'm sorry. It's so hard to put on a brave face at this time.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Sad

Christi said...

I saw the title and started to get a little excited. I'm so sorry about another failed cycle.

Zoeyjane said...

I suggest whiskey. Stat.

Lilacspecs said...

I thought you meant 16 relatives...which would be almost as bad as what you really meant.

Sully Sullivan said...

I haven't been reading every post on this blog so pardon me if I look like a jackass but...at what point do the doctor's just figure out what the hell the problem is. Sixteen cycles is 32 weeks, correct? That's over a full year.

I've been reading this blog for about 4 months now and even I'M frustrated by these circumstances. I can't imagine how you feel. I would be hunting doctor heads at this point.

Jane G said...

Oh Shit, I am really sorry to hear AF came again.

I've decided to take the plunge and join the ranks of the bloggers, you can find me on www.lackingexpectations.blogspot.com

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Bluestreak - Thank you, that's very nice to hear.

@Hilary - Thanks.

@Kelley - No physical contact allowed, but thanks ;0)

@Aoj and the lurchers - welcome! amd thank you

@Ed - It sure bloody does!

@Frogponksrock - Your round!

@Immoral Matriarch - Cheers, thanks.

@Hockeyman - Wash your hands first

@Womb4improvement - Yeup, apoointments already made, onwards & upwards.

@Angel - there's a thought! an unlikely one, but a thought none the less!

@TheChrisD - Cheers fella, heres hoping.

@Amy t sharp - That's very kind of you to say, and we appreciate it. thank you.

@Sinead - Not as sorry as they are gonna be! ;0) thanks.

@Rikki - Aggh the end! where's that!

@Goaldeebug - thank you.

@Tysdaddy - No time for that this time around Im afraid.
Sorry it brought you down.

@Chaos - Us too, heres hoping, thanks!

@PG - Thanks sir, I'm sure it will be better than I expect.

@Bettina - Thank you.

@Matthew F. Miller - Keep your thought on your own wee project! Good luck.

@That Girl - Thank you.

@AnnD - I know dear, thank you.

@DD - Hopefully this month they will do what they should have been ding for some time now, forward thinking.
Thanks.

@D - Welcome all the way from the MN! thanks for the encouragement, it's appreciated.

@Breigh - Shit is right!
It's strangers with kids gets me, kids I know, not so much, but strangers really rock me.
You are more than entitled and welcome to rant here!
thanks.

@Middle Aged Woman - Thats exactly a big problem at the moment, no one is willing to do that for us.
Thanks.

@Kate - and an ugly one at that! cheers. thank you.

@The planet of janet - snap! ;0)

@FeeBee - they might be in for a few short remarks before the week is out! thanks.

@A whole lot of nothing - true.

@Christi - sorry about the title lol, it was intended to reference the visitors!
thanks!

@Zoeyjane - makes me puke, vodka thanks!

@Lilacspecs - Almost... but JUST not quite.

@Sully Sullivan - I'm scratching my head at your maths!
16 cycles is 64 weeks, well more than a year yes.
Welcome to the best kept communist secret on the planet - Holland dude!

Cheers.

@Jane G - Thanks, it's crap.
Congrats on the blog, when the visitors go I'll be all over it like shit on a blanket ok?

Single Parent Dad said...

Fuck that Xbox. Why not take the opportunity to say exactly what you want and take it out on your non-permanent house guests?

They're going to find all your opposite porn stash anyway. They can put two & two together.

And, you, my friend, have the license to say what you like.

Marie said...

Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. Enough is enough. It's time for you two to get lucky. *shaking fist*

Candy said...

Nothing else to say but sorry. We take fertility so for granted...I can't imagine your pain.

Ryan said...

Dude, fancy-dancy new sidebar?

Nice.

Christa said...

Fuck.

Gypsy said...

Sigh. :(

iVegasFamily said...

Dammit! I thought for sure Spencer and Elle would find success this month. Sorry!

Sarah said...

I'm really sorry to read about the problems you're having. How extremely frustrating!
As for the company, cant you "come down with something"? Start coughing and snorting, and do a lot of mouth breathing! Make the most disgusting hacking, gurgling sounds you can muster. They'll leave for sure, with hankies covering their faces. Worth a try anyway.

Tismee2 said...

I'd just take it out on the visitors, hell let someone else suffer for it too.

My friends dog thought she was pregnant, but she wasn't. She thought she'd given birth to a pair of slippers and took them everywhere with her one by one until they were old enough to walk by themselves.

Sorry, I'm an idiot.

Rachel said...

Well. Shit.

Missives From Suburbia (Deb) said...

I like Tismee's suggestion of taking it out on your visitors. After all, this is probably their fault somehow.

CDE said...

It never does get any easier, does it?

S. and I got to where we could laugh about it, but it wasn't happy laughter. It was gallows laughter.

Jasper Mocks said...

OH SHEESH! You're hosting guests too? There's an epidemic, I tell you! It's even worse when you're expected to "show them around". My in-laws do their own thing, and occasssionally the wife expects me to tag-a-long.

Tara R. said...

Totally sucks for you. It would be great if these visitors were on the clue train and cut you both some slack.

nh said...

I recommend alcohol and lots of... it won't make you feel better but if your guests feel ill enough in the morning, you won't have to go out! I'm sorry you are up to 16 cycles; it's pants and poo and shit - nothing else to say really!

Serenity said...

Well, shit.

I'm so sorry. :(

James Austin said...

Sorry Man! You are a very decent guy and don't deserve this run of terrible luck. Hang in there this week, and the rest of the month too.

Our Crooked Tree said...

I don't know what to say.

bsouth said...

Godammit. I'm sorry. As nh says, plenty of alcohol for a variety of reasons.

The Tall Red Head said...

God, I always feel your pain when I read this blog. I really don't know how you keep going. You are both so strong. I remember the absolute longing to get pregnant after having an ectopic pregnancy and losing a left fallopian tube. I was desperate to get pregnant and would feel actual anger at people I saw with kids who I felt didn't deserve them, like the 14 yr old town tart who had a baby when I lost mine. The feeling is terrible, and I can't even begin to imagine the feeling of 16 months of wanting it and not getting it. But on a happy note, I got pregnant and had a healthy baby girl, and then 4 months later I got pissed and 9 months later had another healthy girl...so, there is always hope for you, and, as My ex Mother In Law used to tell me and I used to secretly smash her in the face in my mind everyime she said it, GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT. And you have waited long enough, so it will be soon xxx

Ms Picket To You said...

fuck. fuckity fuck. is it weird that i care so much?
bring on the booze.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Single parent dad - You are very correct, and yet just off the mark.
I want to rant, I want to swear, I want an hour where no one will judge my bitterness or obsessiveness.
But it's not wise, for further down this road, ET and myself will need to take shelter in our own privacy, which anting now will sabotage.

As much as I want to, I cant.

@Marie - thank you, from you that's special and appreciated.

@Candy - I wish those 'blessed' could be more aware, I dont wish it on them though.
Enjoy what you have and don't be sorry.
Thank you.

@Ryan - Way to sidetrack (and thank fuck for that!)!
if you can solve my archive not being close enough to that 'so far' button issue I'l have your babies.. oh, wait...

@Christa - you took the words out of my mouth.

@Gypsy - sweetest sigh Ive heard, thank you.

@ivegasfamily - thanks man, for still putting up with this repetition.

@Sarah - 2 have flown from ireland, 1 from the US. I owe it to them to be what they expect. I think.

@Tismee2 - Nice idea. I havent a bull's notion what you are on about regarding the dog tough.

@Rachel - SHit -Infuckingdeed.

@Deb - I wish, I really do.

@CDE - your own words are so powerful, I'm flattered by your comment here.
Gallows laugh, that is such an apt description.
Thank yous sir.

@Jasper Mocks - Unfortunately, yes. Inconvenient huh?

@Tara R - I'm so on the verge of blurting everything out, but there's such a big doubt in my mind that stops me. Wish I could.

@Nh - upto and now officially out of 16...17 here we come.
Thank you, really.

@Serenity - You said it. Shit.

@James Austin - i like how you call it luck, I hope that's all it is, luck turns, doesn't it?

@Our Crooked Tree - More than enough, thank you, I appreciated you reading and giving a shit about a stranger.

@Bsouth - Its the most likely solution right now, yes.

@The tall red head - I hope you stabbed your MIL in te face.
Your comments are sweet and kind, thank you for being gentle.

@Ms picket to you - Weird? - probably.


am I grateful you are? more than you'll ever ever ever know.
thank you, honestly.

Country Girl said...

thats not good. :( sorry.

maybe you could not try for a month and see how it goes? Just completely try to not worry about it and see what happens.

So many people I know have fallen pregnant during the month when they started to not worry about it as much. They expected auntie flow and couldn't figure out why she was so late...she had gone on holiday elsewhere!

maybe you could try to spend a month just making yourselves and each other happy and then get back to trying the next month?

Mrs4444 said...

The only thing I have to offer you is a funny post. Hopefully, that will relieve a little bit of your stress? Sorry, friend...

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

I used to ( and still do) get so pissed off when I would see people who had like 3 or 4 kids. Hell I didn't want to be greedy I just wanted one. Just one.

Hopefully it will happen soon

laurie said...

Just stumbled upon your blog from your hilarious comment on dadgonemad . . . and so I don't know you . . . but I have been there and did develop some coping devices that were MEAN but so rewarding. Not sure if you're the type, so feel free to contact me if you want a stupid way to let off steam.

Also, a woman at my school who had these issues, too, just decided to talk about them and share, to a degree, her pain. I couldn't believe it. We all rallied around her, and I admired her for sharing what I had kept as a hidden struggle for years. Just a thought.

Veronica said...

Ah fuck it. Just, fuck it.

Fingers crossed for a half decent monitored cycle and stuff like that.

Nola said...

dammit. I am really sorry. Just keep in mind these dumb docs need to see this cycle to now tweak. Try to let it pass. I KNOW it is hard. Thinking of you two....

Dto3 said...

My wife miscarried a few days before Christmas several years ago. We decided not to make a big deal out of it and ruin everyone else's Christmas. I made the mistake of mentioning to my Mom that this had happened and just to give my wife some space. Her response? "Oh, it's no big deal, you guys will be fine." Others never really understand. Thanks for sharing. I'll keep positively swimming thoughts going for you (pun fully intended).

STE said...

I'm so sorry to hear it. Nothing like AF's arrival to announce yet another month not pregnant AND guests to be charming for.

It all freaking sucks. Hoping the doctors have *something* useful to tell you soon. Thinking of you.

Dorky Dad said...

I'm really sorry, dude, and I know how it feels to be in such pain when family comes to visit. That said, if I had a nickel for every "miracle baby" I personally knew, I'd have ... well, a few dollars, anyway.

Quickroute said...

I know what it feels like to entertain visitors when all is not well at ground control.

They'll be gone soon and you can get back to what'simportant i.e. yourselves

tiff said...

Hugs, my friend. Hugs.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Country girl - There is no switching off, you can pretend the outside world you don't care but you can't fool yourselves.

@Mrs4444 - Thank you.

@Snowmanpoop - the weird thing is I get a biut upset at the thought of only one, that was not the plan!
Now, we'll be lucky to have the one.

@Laurie - Welcome, thanks for popping by. I'm a bit caught up for the coming week, but I'll be interested to hear some of those ideas!
thanks.

@Veronica - Fuck it with bells on.

@Nola - Thank you NOla.

@Dto3 - Thanks, people can so beyond insensitive. thank you.

@STE - the big bloody fanfare! Thank you for your comments.

@DorkyDad - A nickel too many. The brave face is an ugly one indeed. Take care you guys.

@Quickroute - I already can't wait!

@Tiff - Thank you tiff.

Horse Chick said...

No one invited Aunt Flo....she is such a party crashing bitch....I'd file charges against the wench!!
Seriously Xbox & ET, I am truly so sorry for you guys, I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

(Good Luck with the company, the visit will be over before you know it!!!)

Maggie, Dammit said...

((((love))))

Karen MEG said...

X, my heart fell when I read this post, just plummetted. There are times when you need family around but this, hell, this is definitely NOT one of them.
No assvice for you guys, because I know at this point very little of what I might say will help.
Just know that there are hugs and good thoughts coming across to you from someone who knows...

BTW, I'm starting Chapter 2, so anytime you're ready...

RRP said...

Bloody hell. (Can someone from the MN say that?) It looks like Aunt Flo has some frequent flier miles stashed and made the rounds recently. What a bitch.

Jane G said...

Don't lose heart Xbox. I think I told you this before, but one of my brothers became a father for the first time the same month he turned 40. They had been trying for 18 cycles and were really beginning to lose hope. I keep saying it, you and ET are nine years younger than me, you really do have time on your side. Don't you dare start giving up hope!

Captain Steve said...

Suck. Sorry, man.

May said...

Damn and blast and damn. I am so sorry. Bother stupid eagles anyway.

I hope the family visit is gentle on you both.

People in the Sun said...

Shit. I'm sorry.

April said...

Oh crap...I can't lie. I don't know how you guys do it. I would NEVER be able to entertain my guests at that point...ugh! I can only hope the family makes it as painless as possible.

Momo Fali said...

Ugh. I hate putting on a happy face when I don't feel like it. I have houseguests coming tomorrow and I'd rather stick hot needles in my eyes. I hope the time flies for both of us.

Anita said...

Don't I know what you are going through.....keep fighting the fight, it will be worth it!!

Thinking of you...

baby~amore' said...

So sorry Xbox & E - there is not much I can offer to comfort you while enduring this cr@p.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Horse CHick - Thank you thats very kind.

@Maggie, Dammit - You can't hurry it, apparently...

@Karen MEG - Thank you. (I've seen it in my reader byt I won't really get to it for a few days I think)

@RRP - I'd love to hear you shout it at a baseball game ;0)
A bitch indeed! thanks.

@Jane G - mentioning 40 gves me heart failure!
I started this at 29, and now 31 is not very far away at all...
Thanks.

@Captain Steve - Cheers, thanks.

@May - 5 more days and counting...

@People in the sun - Thanks man, appreciated.

@April - what would you say if I sai we have 2 other sets of visitors to come before the end of August too...

@Momo Fali - Damn. I Hope it goes easy on you.

@Anita - That is very kind, thank you.

@Baby~Amore - Thanks for popping in, I hope all is well.

River said...

Bugger. I can't think what else to say. Just bugger!. Aunt Flo obviously didn't get her ticket to Jamaica. I'd better send her another one.

River said...

Um, Middle Aged Woman might be on to something. Worth a try?

River said...

Oops, just read your reply to MAW. Forget what I just said.

Fate's Granddaughter said...

Nothing to say but shit, and I'm sorry. Eyes forward to next time (if you were in front of me right now I would accept a slap for that)? Remember the magic of that Leiden air...it's bound to kick in at some point.

Jane G said...

Cheers Xbox, I'm 10 months away from my 40th birthday, you little feckin upstart ;o)

So you're 8 years younger than me, what's a year between cyber buddies?!

Have those visitors buggered off yet?

B said...

Does anyone like getting visitors though? people should meet up at some middle point.

Jenni said...

how you maintain your humor, I'll never know, but I'm thankful for it.

Hope you company provides some distraction.

MadWoman said...

Shitty deal man. Totally shitty deal. I'm sorry to hear it.

*passing the Listerine*

Monique said...

At the very least you'll have a crappy distraction from the crappy cycle news.

Huckdoll said...

What the 88 commentators before me said. Squared.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@River - bugger indeed, for everything! thanks.

@Fate's Granddaughter - LOL, no slaps, it's all true. Thanks.
I think I'm allergic to this Leiden air somehow.

@Jane G - No offense intended at all, honest!
Wednesday...give me strength...

@B - That would be somewhere off the coast of Cornwall for us though...

@Jenni - Distraction is one word for it! thanks.

@MadWoman - Yueeeep. shitty deal no doubt, thank you.

@Monique - 'at least' yikes...is this what it's come to...

@Huckdoll - Thank you dear, appreciated.

Jill said...

Xbox - First of all, I did see you waving to me in Germany last week. You were wearing a blue shirt, right?

Second - What a shitty month, huh? I'm right there with you. Got my period again - bled through the only pair of pants I currently own. WTF?

Take care of you - and your wife! Have a nice meal. Drink a cocktail for me. :)

stella said...

Sorry. Just sorry...

ack.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jill- That was me...

That, while charmingly graphic, bites.

@Stella - Bollocks to it all!

Tismee2 said...

Never mind the moment's gone!

Melinda Zook said...

It is always does seem to become an inopportune time for visitors (of all kinds). Keep your chin up; maybe the visitors will bring you a little well-needed distraction.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tismee2 - er... ok then ;0)

@Melinda Zoek - True, there never is a good time at the moment.
Can but hope. Thanks, it's appreciated.