ET phones home...

...and tells me she's going to be working late.

Perfect. Now I can write this in peace.

You say you don't read this anymore, but I know you do. I like that. I want you to.

I want you to because of things like this. I don't, or can't, always say what I should, when I should.
This makes it a little easier.

These last eleven months have been the most frustrating, disappointing, and yet exciting months of my life. In a sick kind of way they have also been the happiest. Happy because of what we are trying to do together. Not me, not you, but us, together.

I know, because I get impatient and frustrated, I annoy the very living shit out of you, I am trying my best not to. You handle that very very well. Please don't confuse this 'annoying you' with my regular, everyday 'annoying you', that's my favourite past-time and frankly, it's my duty as your loving husband.

I'm sorry that, as of yet, I haven't been able to give you what you want, but I will do absolutely anything to make it happen.

When it does, it's going to be bigger and better and a million times more fun than we can imagine right now, I'm sure of it.

So, my daft wife, my very own 'cheese bitch', I just wanted to let you know that I love ya, I might even get drunk sometime and actually tell you for real, if you're really lucky.

Why am I saying this anyway?
Aside from what you may believe, it's not just because I want to be able to watch the football in peace later. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be writing this, or putting my wobbly bits through humiliation, or talking to my own semen, or any of this insanity, so it's only appropriate that entry 100 (100! -for f*&^ sake woman, get knocked up already!) is just for you.


Love, your chubby fingered hubby.
P.S. Pity you don't read this anymore though...

My Wife

We've had a lousy couple of days, another disappointment leading to both of us getting in a right stinker of a mood at one stage or another. But, as has been the case every time up to now, after a few days the bad moods pass and the levels of optimism start to rise again, slower each time, but rise none the less.

It takes something special to cheer us up during this time but my overworked heart has just jumped a beat when I saw my wife do something she used to do a lot but I hadn't seen (or perhaps noticed) in quite a while.

...I caught her smiling at the TV....

Innocuous I know, a bit creepy even perhaps, but it really is a joy to behold when you see someone so special derive a goofy bit of happiness from something so trivial, almost childlike, which is so uplifting to see in these mediocre days full of commitments, deadlines, and schedules.

You'll never read this I expect, but I do love ya, you daft cow.
Thanks for everything.

Wedding Anniversary

Yesterday saw the passing of our 2nd wedding anniversary. Seems like quite a short time when you say it that way and doesn't really reflect the fact we've been together for nearly 10 years now (apparently) .

2 Years ago yesterday we were in New Orleans having the time of our lives, champagne on the Mississippi, wonderful street jazz and a feeling that all was good in the world. Louisianna and Tennessee where we had spent that period was genuinely full of the nicest strangers we've ever met.

1 year ago we were in Istanbul, a fascinating city full of startling contrast between the romantic old Ottoman empire days and the starbuck's riddled European capital that it is today. A city where you can stand by one bank of the river and look across to the other in Asia and see people looking back at you in Europe. Not to mention the juiciest lamb available in either continent.

So, how do we spend this year? not wanting to buck the trend of having an international flavour to our anniversary, last night we hopped in the car and went to...Ikea.

...who says romance has to fade away eh?...

When You Don't Conceive

What do you do when you don't conceive?
I don't mean in terms of tests or treatments, which are a million miles off at the moment anyway, but rather how do you pick yourself up and get on with being a fully functioning spouse, friend, or employee.

I'm a bit of an obsessive person, when I set my mind on something, it gets 100% of my attention, focus and energy. This can be very good in some respects, especially with work and socially.
But what happens when what you focus on isn't totally within your control?

I foolishly believed, as did many others from what I've since read, that once we decided to start our family that it would happen as simple as ABC. This hasn't been the case, and in retrospect that's no great surprise considering the statistics, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

People have even commented to me that it's taken them 18 months. Frankly, I could not last that long, my sanity certainly couldn't.

For the last 24 hours I've struggled to hold a conversation with my wife, and today isn't looking any better. I know we are both dissapointed and a bit of quiet time is good for relection etc but what happens after 4, 5, 6 months and further ? In the long run this cannot be good for anyone involved.

So, now I'm not struggling with the (blatently premature) notion of not having a family, but with the thought of how I would or would not react to and handle this.

Then again, in a moment of philosophical vividness, I think that perhaps this is nature's way of preparing me for being a parent, trying to iron out my obsessive tendencies and laying out in full colour before me the fact that I will not be able to control what, when and where things happen.

Well, thats the silver plated lining that's getting me through for now at least....

I think I will bring flowers home to my wife this evening, just to tell her that I'm not intentionally being a 'james blunt' and they won't even be even service station ones either....

Escaping With My Life

It seems my problems with years and dates stems further than my own date of birth. I previously mentioned that I've been with my wife for almost 9 years in all, when in fact, it has been painfully pointed out to me that it is, in fact, nearly 10.

LM: Can you believe that we will be 2 years married in a few weeks.

Moi: No, pet, its amazing isn't it how fast time goes, and 9 years overall.

LM: Er...say what now ?

Moi: Say what now what, petal ?

LM: It's not 9 years, its 10.

Moi: Nah, it's only 9 pet.

LM: Tell me you are kidding or I'm going to disembowel you with a rusty spoon.

(madness ensues as I continue to claim its been 9 and not 10, and when the dust settles and the police have left, we continue)

Moi: So, 10 years eh pet ?

LM: You scum sucking, pig man half fool, tell me, how could you get it SOOOOOOO wrong ?

(at this point I wanted to point out that as an IT consultant, being just 10% out in timeline estimation is not all that bad, but I didn't, so as my heart raced into self preservation mode I searched the caverns of my brain for an acceptable response)

Moi: Well petal, when I'm with you, time goes by so fast, so enjoyable has it been...

LM: You rotting, festering crawler....

Moi: Upstairs then ?

LM: ...OK.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As an aside, I've decided I detest the template for this blog, but I'm loathed to attempt to change it.

...and more importantly, it's just about a week to 10 days before we have an idea if we've defied all that's good and rightous regarding genetics and procreation and been succesful in conceiving our own wee WGCB.

How to keep occupied till then eh ?

Moi: Oh Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal.....