Monday, 20 October 2008

Keeping it surreal

Stop.

Stop right where you are and have a really good look around you.

I bet you any amount of our rapidly decreasing in value cash money that you are not in a place, metaphorical or literal, as bizarre as I am.

We all know that there are aspects of life that are wholesome, and some that are somewhat more sinister.

Generally, these remain separated. Separated by social sensibilities and physical environment.

Here, in Holland, that is not always so.

I'm currently working for a customer in a large city. One of the largest companies in the Netherlands, at their plush head office.

Should I fancy a breath of fresh air at lunch time, it would take me about 15 seconds to be standing in the heart of one of the seediest areas you'll find anywhere.

Scores of prostitutes flaunt their asses and assets in the lighted windows.
These same windows that were being freshly washed clean of only God knows what substances as I passed just before 9am, are already being pawed and knocked on by passing lunchtime trade.

By 5pm and home-time, you would be lucky to make your way through the vice seeking crowds in time to catch your train home.

Right now I've just done what I find myself doing more and more lately, stopping and chuckling at the bizarre world I'm stuck in.

A world where the youngest member of the most fertile family this side of the Kununurra Falls, uncle to 17 nieces and nephews, can't get his Irish Catholic wife knocked up for love nor money, where their failings are available for the entire world to see, yet one where I could pop out at lunch in my suit and tie for a French baguette and a blow job, or a ham sandwich and a hand shandy, and be back in time to discuss invoices with the finance director.

'Hold the mayo'


68 comments:

Chaos said...

There are some things that are just always a little off, you might be one of them.

Quickroute said...

sounds like a lunch time stroll in that neighbourhood will take your mind off practically anything

Sarah said...

Um, wow...

Always Home and Uncool said...

Netherlands; nether regions. Coincidence? I think not.

tiff said...

yep. Life can be ironic sometimes.
Hugs. Thinking of you and that beautiful Irish Catholic wife of yours.

anja said...

Do you get cut rates on your blow job for having a tiny baguette?

Kori said...

The incongruity of it all is amazing, isn't it? And yeah-you are right. Even as fucked up as MY world is, it is SO nothing compared to yours! :)

TW said...

Being handed a drug menu in a cafe there was the thing that we couldn't quite get our heads around when we were there. Bizarre city!

Rob said...

According to the Catholic Church, Sex is dirty and wrong.

According to me, it is, if done right.

Russ said...

Hold the mayo indeed. My folks are swinging through your fair country in mid-December, should I tell them to avoid those areas?

iVegasFamily said...

Irony it is.

I too laugh at the debauchery on my doorstep. Though my situation is far different than yours.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Chaos - Oi! Cheeky...

@Quickroute - You'd forget a lot of things alright. Shoes, trousers, that sort of thing.

@Sarah - Is that sarcasm or surprise...

@Always home & uncool - precisely!

@Tiff - Cheers Tiff.

@Anja - Definitely uncut...

@Kori - tip of the iceberg I'll tell ya.

@TW - This isn't even Amsterdam, no tourists here...

@Rob - Spoken like a true, er, pro...

@Russ - you never know, might inject some life into the mature marriage!

@iVegasFamily - What you do on your own doorstep is your own business...
;0)

Sarah said...

I'm gonna go with surprise.

Tismee2 said...

Hold the mayo????

er I'd rather not thank you!

Putz said...

it is the irony of the world we live in...i saw a film where an man spent at a carnival his change money for chances to win a cupee doll for his girl friend...he won it and he dropped it as he was handing to his girl friend as it shattered....in some ways the plush office and the money meeting with your boss is as seedy as the sandwich and a blow job....the world financial crisis jusy proved that.....at least you do recognize the tinkly glassy fron't of most of the world...and of course your most recent goals of which this blog is one of them point out to me you know very well the great seeking of procreation is more worthwhile than others, don't you???

Tanya said...

Gross!

The world will look different when you guys do conceive. Blog about that and compare with this post.

Hockeyman said...

Damn. I thought my $5 footlong at Subway was a good lunch break.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

HM - You only get $5 for your footlong?

XB - Don't waste your mayo.

Marie said...

Wow. Loved the post. Had no idea what you were talking about for the first half and didn't want to know anymore by the time I finished, but in retrospect, I'm glad I read it because now I'm really amused. ;) Hope you made the train home unmolested. Don't follow any rabbits through any holes, eh? The world is just weird enough that you never know what advice to give people.

swile67 said...

bizarre world indeed but glad it makes your lives more interesting! I hope you don't mind but I am saying a little prayer for you and your wife-it is my offer of encouragement on this journey you are on at the minute... I do hope that God's seemingly silent response does not discourage you.

Leslie Laine said...

Uhhh, yes, please hold the mayo.

Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. :)

Ed (zoesdad) said...

There are other perks to living in the Netherlands, right? I hear tell of really nice herbs.

Kelley said...

Dude, where are the pics???

And yeah, I might be able to one up you. I am sitting here in my bra and panties, wearing rubber gloves and a shower cap. Taking a break while the bath cleaner does its magic in the bath.

Aren't you damn impressed at my mad rubber glove typing skillz? I know I am.

And I am serious. I want pics.

Zoeyjane said...

You do know that 'hold the mayo' was the best, er, finish ever, right?

BusyDad said...

sounds like heaven, 'cept for the working part.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Have I asked you if weed is legal there? And are there straight male prostitutes? Like, hot ones?

Because I'm coming to visit.

frogpondsrock said...

I was trying to craft a coherent sentence with the words universe and ironic in it.. But it wouldn't work *sigh*

abritdifferent said...

Holland is one country I never made it to, it sounds like it's just as well. I was with you all the way up to 'hold the mayo'. Urgh!

Sending good vibes and such to you and your missus.

A Free Man said...

Really bummed that I didn't make it to the Dam whilst still living in Europe. But being happily partnered and reasonably sober, I couldn't justify it. I know, museums, coffee, bicycles, culture. But c'mon.

Julie said...

My son's sixth grade class toured the red light district of Amsterdam as part of a school field trip. Living in the Netherlands gave my son quite the sex education.

Bluestreak said...

Crazy! It´s weird how sex and reproduction got all mixed and intertwined. Who thought that one up? They don´t seem to have anything to do with each other.

Hold the mayo????? hahahahahaha.

M+B said...

And there you were just the other day asking for porn!!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sarah - Sarky cow...

@Tismee2 - You know you would...

@Putz - I thought we'd lost you!
You may very well be correct, on both counts.

@Tanya - Oh I dunno! a hooker is a hooker is a hooker!

@Hockeyman - too.many.jokes.

@A whole lot of nothing - get a room.

@Marie - Sorry if I upset your sensibilities ;0)

@Swile67 - That's a tough one. The best I can say is we certainly don't mind you speaking up for us.
Maybe he prefers the sound of your voice better.
Thank you.

@Leslie Laine - Hope all is well.

@Ed - Yes, thyme to die for over here...

@kelley - Pics...only if we swap...

@Zoeyjane - 'finish' hee hee hee...

@BusyDad - I'm loving this Busydad 'after dark' version!

@Immoral Matriarch - I think you'd be nabbed at customs...

@frogpondsrock - awww bless!

@abritdifferent - It's worth a visit at least, for the novelty factor alone.

@A Free Man - And cheese, you forgot the cheese.

@Julie - It's funny, they are very frfank and upfront about all of it, and at a younger age than I think the rest of us sensitive souls are used to.
Having said that, it works, teenage pregnancies are startlingly lower than the UK for example.

The Amsterdam RLD was harmless, it's becoming more sinister the last two years or so.

@Bluestreak - hey, from where I'm standing there's almost no correlation between sex and reproduction...!

@M+B - all good things come to those who wait ;0)

Jane G said...

I hold the title of youngest member of most fertile family - Auntie to 18 nieces and nephews.

The one time I was in Amsterdam, I thought the red light district was just bizarre. You'd see families with kids walking around there in daylight with all this seedy stuff going on. It was like some kind of pervy theme park. Weird in the extreme!

joe said...

...and that is why, Mayo will never be seen the same way again.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Angel said...

Your current position is a sitcom in the making. You know that, right?

River said...

Don't be offended, please, but geez, I'm glad I don't live where you are.

Sinead said...

I am assuming you are in Amsterdam? A good friend was based there for awhile whilst working for NATO. He was clearly paid a lot of money and was able to live in a SUPER posh area, but literally around the corner was a prostitute in a window flaunting her not so great assets. It was pretty confronting. My (male) friend insisted on taking me through a tour of a brothel late on a Saturday evening on Valentines Day weekend where all I remember is a bunch of drunk English guys describing in graphic detail what they just did with the local entertainment.

Turns out from talking to some natives that a lot of the prostitutes are foreigners who basically sold their soul and right to a life for a few years, to get our of Eastern Europe. That made me pretty sad everytime I walked past a window with a red light and the curtains pulled.

Gee I have just put a real downer on this comment, sorry!

Vacant Uterus said...

Hold the mayo? But it's so much better with mayo!

that girl said...

Amsterdam is an OOOOODDDDDD place. I visited when I was 18 and I just remember turning to my boyfriend and saying, Good Lord I hope none of the good ol boys from home ever get to come here - they could screw their whole lives up in one night. The neon steeple coming into town was such a weird contrast to the red light district. I was wide-eyed.

Our Crooked Tree said...

everyone blows off a little steam differently don't they? ☺

tysdaddy said...

Does one even want to ponder what the disease rates are in that part of the world?

Or is it true that with legalization comes a modicum of control . . .

And are these ladies truly HOT? Or does that even matter?

(things I think about instead of doing my school work . . . )

Missives From Suburbia said...

Sperm, sperm everywhere.

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

wow

Practically Joe said...

This is my first visit to this blog. Is this some sort of travel logue?

Captain Steve said...

Ewwwww.

taht girl said...

tysdaddy - they were truly hot when I went..I couldn't believe it..my mental picture of a prostitue was a rough-looking, 30 something, bad permed woman in tacky clothes..these 'girls' were beautiful. I couldn't really wrap my mind around it.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - It really is bizarre, tour groups staring at people offering themselves for sexual favours.

@Joe - Finger lickin' good.

@Angel - Too far fetched for TV !

@River - I'm not so happy about it myself!

@Sinead - I'm actually not referring to Amsterdam, but it's the same idea yes.
The older pros tend to be Dutch madams and the rest are more or less all immigrants. Legal and otherwise.

The RLD in August on a Saturday night is vile.

@Vacant Uterus - er...euuuw.

@That Girl - Many a life has been screwed up overnight in Amsterdam I think.

@Our Crooked Tree - Tell us more...;0)

@Tysdaddy - Honestly, I would wager that they are lower than your own home town!
Control is strict, regular checks etc.

The Amsterdam windows on the main tourust trail tend to have the much better looking girls(like that girls says), off the tourist trail you are liable to find anything!

@Missives from Suburbia - and none of it where it SHOULD be dammit!

@Snowmanpoop - wow, indeed!

@Practically Joe - of sorts Joseph, mostly the main players don't travel very far, that's the problem in fact.

@Captain Steve - Aw come on, you live it.

Sarah said...

Was the supposed to be snarky? I'm not sure I know what sarky means....=P

James Austin said...

I havn't looked but I wonder what the divorce rate is there? And if the couples are secure in thier relationships? That would certainly be a bizare place to live.

kittyconcerto.com said...

Hold the mayo----barf. But funny.

Sarah said...

sarky. short for sarcastic commonly used by the Irish.

Damn, nevermind!

Anonymous said...

I went there last summer, loved the city. I found the red light district interesting. Thought it was pathetic to see all these men acting like F'n eejits, coaxing one another in to the rooms. Some nasty lookin' women standing in those windows. Next time you walk by on your way to the train station, remember you have a Lovely Irish girdle waiting for you at home. Now could ye ask for more?
Deno

Widdle Shamrock said...

Rofl. Man you have a way with words.

I got a wonderful mind picture there, and another great one of Miss "Hooker Heels" in bra panties and cleaning garb at the computer.

hotmamamia said...

Any chance of meeting you and shaking your hand??? I'll be visiting Lilacspecs and Amsterdam in 29 days...woohoo! I didn't actually plan to take in any of the red-light stuff but my son and I are most definitely up for a cafe or two! I can't wait to see what Amsterdam is really all about...and do beleive that your Irish Catholicness will kick in...it will.

amy said...

OMG, still wretching at the thought of those windows... And the poor sucker who has to clean them. Hope he's had his shots.

Momo Fali said...

God Bless America!

Chhandita said...

Well am sure my comment will be lost among all these beautiful commetns you get (good really, i generally like to be invisible), but I had to write in "I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR BLOG" it actually helped me see how my husband might be hurting becoz of all the infertility troubles......thanks...

Phoenix

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sarah - Google is your friend...

@James Austin - I have no idea to be honest statistically, but they are no worse than the US I can almost guarantee that.

@kittyconcerto - you KNOW you love it.

@Deno - I find I prefer Amsterdam in the Winter, quieter and crisp and cool.
No comment on my Irish girdle !

@Widdle Shamrock - No self respecting prossie would be caught cleaning a window!
They hire people!

@hotmamamia - I'm not actually in Amsterdam at all! This is about a total other city. Debauchery is all around!

@Amy - he is probably a customer. paying in kind...

@Momo Fali - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha....

@Chhandita - Your comment is definitely noticed, and appreciated. If this helps you a tiny bit then it's worth it.
good luck to you both.

Fate's Granddaughter said...

I can't decide if it is hilarious or disturbing. If only your life were ordinary...

K8 the Gr8 said...

I'll never forget walking into a porn shop in the 'Dam. Those folks are just so open about it all!

"Gud aftanoon, maam, beautiful weather, ya? Do you have interest in black cock? We have a special today... if you'd like to sample there are rooms over there..." You'd swear he was selling fig-rolls, his tone was so innocent.

Best to steer clear of the pimps though. Those guys are trippy.

Christa said...

I take it photos for blog probably aren't allowed eh?

Tara R. said...

That is just wrong on so many levels. Eeww.

Talina said...

Yeah, I would laugh at a photo or two. How crazy.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Fate's Granddaughter - I'm sticking with hilarious, if I go the other way it could all come crumbling down.

@K8 the Gr8 - ....and...did you?

@Christa - Camera and photographer would be floating in the canal within seconds, they have some serious minders employed.

@Tara R. - Aw come on, you know you wish you had the same around the corner from you!

@Talina - a guy would get his head kicked in if he produced a camera. But google it, there are plenty examples!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Snort, a ham sandwich and a ham shank. :D

Karen MEG said...

Bizarro all right Xbox.

All I remember of the red light district of Amsterdam when I visited way back 20 years ago was that those hookers in the window looked, well, mostly masculine, but I don't think they were supposed to. If they haven't changed much, then I would think that would be a negative effect on Spencie's cannon.

I did recall feeling quite sinful having a beer at the Bulldog at 10 AM... that was before I saw a hooker smoking and rolling a joint in the corner. Gawd, I'm such a lightweight.

Surreal for sure. But that's the fun of it, right? "Hold the mayo"...killed me!

(Sorry I've been MIA lately, but congrats on booking the laparoscopy, yay some progress!)

justjuli said...

That is bizarre.

Of course, all I could think of when reading the last line of this post was.....
"That's what she said"

I am SO a middle school boy in my mind sometimes!