Monday, 10 December 2007

My boys and me

Inspired by this very 'enlightening' comment from Tiff on a recent entry, I started thinking about the following....

"Did you know that the ovum (eggy) actually spins and turns when the little guys find her. We women are always making choices and changing our minds, even at the most basic level!

When she (I'm talking about the egg now) detects the tadpole with the strongest concentration of enzyme she slows and stops. Then all the taddy's friends help him along,by breaking down the protective layer of the egg for him, giving him a heads up, so to speak."

It's good to hear that Ms Egg does her best to pick out the most suitable partner for her endeavours, in a way, just like ET herself has done in choosing (multi award winning) me as hers. Lets face it, I'm a catch, I have all my own (milk) teeth, I know to use the cutlery from the outside-in at a fancy dinner, and I've never once relieved myself against my mother-in-law's kitchen wall unlike other relatives I could mention.

This makes me think that her reproductive bits and pieces are taking after her, in principle this is great...BUT....This leads me to the soul destroying notion the Boys could take after ME!

Are they all gathered round Ms Egg scratching their little heads like a bunch of confused Casper the friendly ghosts, trying to figure out what the hell they're supposed to do? After all, give me an IKEA anything to assemble and I would probably have an aneurysm before figuring it out. Instruction MUST be stupidly clear for me, and I don't think Ms Egg provides any. (Or does she - Tiff?)

Are they just like me at the height of my romantic prowess, all circled around this foxy lookin' egg, making pathetically lame jokes, or blushing and looking at their shoes when she speaks to them, or trying so hard to look cool and disinterested to the point where they don't notice that she's buggered off somewhere else?

Are they sharing my predominant trait? Laziness. Did they get half way up a fallopian and say "Ah feck it, I'm going back to veg out on the tip of the cervix and watch 'Deal Or No Deal' with a beer"?

Are they sharing my next most predominant trait, lack of will power, and have all caved in to the lazy guys suggestion and headed back with him for that beer?

Do they share my sense of direction? or more precisely, my SD (sober/drunk) selective sense of direction. Basically, with a clear head on their shoulders are they incapable of finding ANY single destination in ANY time frame that would be useful, and with 14 Belgian beers down their necks they find their destination in record time but pass out semi dressed at the foot of a frustrated Ms Egg's bed?

Just like me, do they tease and irritate an originally eager Ms Egg to the point where she just can't be bothered anymore and goes spinning off mumbling bad things about their parentage?

Oh my God! Bloody hell - Like me, can they not even SWIM? Are they, just like me, stuck in a place where you are expected to already know how to and that doesn't provide lessons?

Tiff mentions that when the target is established, all the buddies help the best candidate to succeed...er...not if they've got my spiteful and competitive tendencies they won't. If they've taken after me, Mr Right was just about to march victorious through the gates of 'Chez-Egg', when one of the other shorter fatter guys whacked him from behind.

So what do I need to do?
Should I give them a pep talk, like the under 12 hockey team would get before facing a local rival? At what point during their preparation should I do this?

Do I need to tell them where to go or do they implicitly know this? Just how compact DO they make sat nav systems these days?

Should I be following up with encouragement after they've been sent on their way? With some rolled up cardboard or just my cupped hands for acoustic aid?

Should I google local swimming lessons for 'loin fruit'? or at least try to fashion some kind of miniature flotation devices and hope they figure out the rest as they go along?

Should I see just how small our local printers can make up pictures of my wife's reproductive organs, a map ALWAYS helps?

On the flip side, ET has put up with my shortcomings for 10 years almost, (granted, in a way that makes me wonder if she's a little touched,) we've come an awful long way and are on the cusp of something wonderful and life changing, so I may just pray that her bits have inherited her patience, her perseverance, her loyalty, and strength of spirit to see get us through, just like she always has.

15 comments:

Dorky Dad said...

Give them some beer. That'll get them all riled up.

But I don't think you have anything to worry about. If the boys do take after their host, then there's no way I'd have a kid right now. Mine would have tired out by the time they got to the egg, gave up and went to tour the uterus.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Do you mean actually toured it or bought a video "of" a tour?

;-)

Joeprah said...

Holy crap that was hillarious. That freakin rocks man. Where do you come up with this stuff? I mean, I was laughing the whole time, and it wasn't the LOL non laughing laugh, but the real laughing and it hurts cause I got a sore throat. Who pissed on your Mother-in-Laws wall? WTF? The party at the cervix...awesome...deal or no deal...great...the drunk guy half undressed at the foot of the bed...damn good. Thanks man!!

*Stands up and Applauds*

tiff (three ring circus) said...

LOL! You are too clever.

If my husband's boys were anything like him, they would have stopped halfway up, just past the cervix after an exercise induced asthma attack! :)

frog ponds rock... said...

I am Sooo Busted...

No 'spouse' I am not on the computer...

and so I am trying to be QUIET...

vewy vewy qwiet..

then I read the "sit on the cervix and watch deal or no deal...
FUCKING GUFFAW.HEHEHE BELLY LAUGHH WHAT EVER... heheheheheheh

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Joe - you really don't wanna see the inside of my mind, lets just put it all down to a bump on the head as a kid. Safer for all.

@Tiff - Hhhhmph...well he seems to be managing well enough so far! Maybe I should get myself an inhaler...

@Frog Ponds Rock - Sorry you got busted!

All 3 - thanks for the comments, you don't know how sad it would be to be saying all of this stuff to myself...

...echo...echo...

Xbox4NappyRash said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

I really think you're on to something here! This post made me laugh and laugh...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Thanks Hilary, now go put your feet up!

---Hilary has some news folks....

Motherwise said...

I see the boy carrying flowers but where, oh where is the chocolate?

Veronica said...

Maybe ET needs to give them a pep talk just before the action?

If Nat's sperm were anything like him, they would have been still asleep an hour after cue call.

'Shit man, you mean it was all over an hour ago?'

Melinda Zook said...

Wow, it is interesting to think about it this way. Your spin on it too is so titillating... but don't be so hard on yourself or your boys...maybe they feel the pressure you are putting on them. Give the guys a break, they will do their job when they are ready. If they are anything like my hubby; for example, he retreats backwards 5 steps when I nag at him to do anything but hence if I say nothing, he gets the job done (eventually).

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Motherwise - Like their old man, my boss eat the chocolate on the way to pick up their date. The flowers were liberated from a neighbours garden...

@Veronica - Thats harsh on poor old Nat...considering he has a proven record of hitting the target ;-)

@Melinda - 100% agree on the nagging, nothing puts me off doing anything more than being nagged to do it. Leave me in peace and it'll be done.

I bloody hope the boys are feeling under pressure... this is all their fault!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I'm sure Ms. Egg, like her person, will have the wisdom to pick the right one and your boys won't have to do much of anything.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Very kind of you to say, and I bloody hope you're right!

I like the idea of one of the boys being selected.

A strutting Ms Egg scanning the ranks..."Mmm Hmm, YOU'LL do !"