Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Forgetting

I frighten myself sometimes at how easily I can forget something.

Not facts, or figures, or deadlines, but bigger things. Important things. Things you can't always write down in a calendar or in a few words.

Just like the previous year and a half, the last few months have been filled with trying to conceive and all that comes with it, but while forgetting what it is all for.

'Trying to conceive' has almost become a parody of itself, an unreal superficial lifestyle of sorts with it's own specific unglamorous trappings, and no substance. Doing things without even thinking, for no other reason than they must be done. Charting temperatures, popping vitamins, wazzing on sticks, pushing for appointments, waiting for tests.

It's amazing to think that I forget why we have knots in our stomachs for the last days of every cycle, and why we feel like thrashing neighbourhood cats when another last day becomes a first. Maybe it's routine, familiarity breeds contempt and all that, or maybe it's the old self-preservation chestnut.

A disruption in the process, like we had last week, makes you stop and allows you to think. All the trappings, peripherals, and figures fade away to unimportance and you are left with nothing. Then you remember.

There is a real reason behind trying to get the hospital to offer us the IUI, a real reason behind chasing those appointments, and behind learning how to give an injection. There is a real reason behind why ET has filled her belly with drugs and now follicles, and a real reason why we spent the lowest 48 hours I've ever known going back and forth trying to make one single decision.

The reason is that we desperately want a family. That is all.

We understand the risks, many of which you have laid out clearly and carefully, we truly do. We know that we could make them completely disappear by just deciding to let this one pass.

We know that we probably would have other opportunities, less risky on paper, but intangible here and now. The chances of 'naturally' conceiving multiples with however many eggs we end up being left with now, are no greater than the chances of conceiving them with the 3 eggs we all wanted with a trigger and IUI.

It's statistics to justify a decision, but that's all the hospital have to go on in their decision, and it's all we have now in ours.

We are responding, not reacting, to a very real but small calculated risk. One that we will take for the most real of reasons, we simply remember how much we want to, and it feels right.



73 comments:

Angel said...

Thank-the-frigging-gods! I was absolutely petrified you were going to let this get by. You have no idea how I've wanted to slam your head against a flipping wall believing you were going to "think" your way right out of this opportunity.

I KNOW the risks. I understand them, I really do. But I don't think either of you would have ever forgiven yourselves if you didn't at least TRY right now. I really do believe the guilt of passing it by would have eaten you alive.

Good luck. I'm not going to be "thinking about you" because I'd rather not focus on what the two of you are doing right now. But my hopes are with you.

Que? said...

After reading the post before this, I would recommend you try naturally. When I had a similar circumstance (many follicles), the doctor said to do it naturally every other day for the week (and not take the trigger shot). You said the statistics are 2-5% which are surprisingly low. Go for it, I say! (I am not a doctor, maybe going for it because someone on the internet said so isn't that rational...but I am in the waiting game too and every month's frustration is a month of my life i'll never get back). The other thing I would do in your circumstances is to find a private doctor who will cater for you better. The route they have you on seems to be one built for the patience of saints!!
Good luck mate!

Tracey said...

Yay! I endorse your decision 100%, with my medical background you can be confident of that... oh, wait, I don't have a medical background. I still endorse what you are doing. I think I would do the same thing. Good luck. Everything is crossed for you guys xo

Lorna said...

Best of luck with it all this month, the wait will be even more agonising I'd imagine but the risks of extreme multiples are so low, I'm so glad you are going for it and here's hoping for a successful outcome.
I'm on Clomid at the mo and I'm secretly hoping for twins, despite the extra risks.
Best of luck and take care, xx

areyoukiddingme said...

That's what I would do too - but then, I think that doctors don't know half as much as they claim. Good luck

serenity said...

That's all you can do, you know. Do what feels right. You know the risks, you've made a decision. I would not say this means you're forgetting anything.

Personally, I'm glad you decided to go for it.

Hoping hard for you both.

Elfinamsterdam said...

Go Go Gadget Impregnator!

Like I said before you guys want babies, this will get you babies... you are ready for babies....

Go make babies!!!

*huge hugs*

Elf!

Chaos said...

Glad you remembered what its all for. good luck, hoping things turn out good!

AnnD said...

I'm glad to hear it to be honest. As I said before, I wouldn't judge you either way but I think I would have gone for it too if I had been in your shoes.

I also think the first poster was right that if you had let it pass by, you both would have always wondered "What if..."

Plus, there is a little part of me that hopes you guys will have little Martin/ET twinsters!

Sheila said...

You sound as though you have both been lying awake late at night thinking every which way about this - my heart goes out to you both for that. I'm sure there will be more sleepless nights to come over the next two weeks too..... Chin up - if it works, you will be ecstatic and if it doesn't you will know you have given it your best shot (no pun intended!).

Ali said...

Yay, yay, yay!

Very excited for you.

Get going then, go on!

Good luck!

Making Babies said...

**big grin on my face**

YAY!! Good luck to you both!!!

:)

Dan said...

Good man

WhatAboutNovember said...

:)

Ms. Moon said...

I don't think I know anyone in the world who wouldn't have made the same decision you made.
And as you said, you did what felt right, eyes wide open.
Here's me, hoping for that baby.

CableGirl said...

Good for you and good luck.

Bonnie B. said...

Go Spencer! Swim like Michael Phelps, dammit (without the bong hit first, of course)

anymommy said...

May it all happen for you this month. I'll be waiting with you.

M+B said...

Hooray :) Wishing you the very best of luck

Jane G said...

Go for it, and happy humping :)

Horse Chick said...

I agree with everyone else, "the shouldda, couldda, wouldda's" would drive you both crazy!!!! Good luck to you both, but especially SPENCER!!! SWIM, SPENCER, SWIM!!!

Reg said...

Luck of the Irish... It is March still. I feel the urge to hug you and cry with ET. Please let this be the one! I'm eagerly waiting with you...

Shonna said...

Yes! Go for it! (I was secretly hoping that you would)

Stephanie said...

Good for you! I hope it works out this month.

Lea said...

Good for you! :) I wouldn't have been able to let it slip by either.

Karen MEG said...

You know where I sit/ stand on this one... totally on your side.

The baby dust is still flying across the miles, guys...

Sarah said...

YES!!

I'm glad to hear you've decided not to skip this cycle. You two are in my thoughts.

=)

Elaine at Matters of the Heart) said...

So glad you are doing what feel right. I am happy for you...

Russ said...

Well? Get those boots knockin'!

darcie said...

HURRAY! Glad to hear it...
Life has a way of working out ~ sending you all the fertile vibes I can muster!!

expatswede said...

You know, I would have done the same thing in your situation. Here's hoping that you catch one perfect, mature egg.
Good luck!

suzannanana said...

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed!

womb for improvement said...

Well, that is the first hurdle over.

Good luck with the next.

x

Rikki said...

Goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes! Please let this be it!

Here till the end...

Rikki

Robin said...

Yay! Hoping for that decision... Wishing you much luck!

Penelope said...

Good decision! Here's hoping for a GREAT result :o)

Tismee2 said...

You are so intelligent sometimes. All this thinking, comparing and contrasting....

and there I was....

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Yaaayyyyy!!!! I am so glad you've come to this decision. I would do the exact same thing. Now stop reading this comment and go attack ET!!

;-)

Bubba said...

well thank goodness for that !
good luck all the ay from sunny scotland !. x x

Heather said...

Whew! I'm glad you aren't letting this month slip by without trying. I would have had to yell at my computer before trying to come up with a 'well, it's your decision' type response that hid disappointment.

abritdifferent said...

It is pretty asinine when you think about it, isn't it?

Doctor: You have a very high risk of getting your wish this month, but don't do it.

The very best of luck to you both.

Widdle Shamrock said...

YAY !!!!!!!!

I was holding my breath reading this, thinking you might have decided not to go ahead.

I won't say good luck, I'll say "good sex" ;)

J from Ireland said...

Hi, I just wanted to say the very best of luck to you both.

Veronica said...

:)

Shanny said...

Good luck =)

Hockeyman said...

Good luck brother!

Mistress B said...

Yay!!

Good luck mate.

Anja said...

Bahahahaha... perfect payback. Three screaming little leprechauns for you and the missus.

Go hard, Box Boy.

James said...

More power to you friend. Good luck and very well said.

hotmamamia said...

THANK GOD....please don't ever let an opportunity pass.....screw statistics.....this is right!

Dto3 said...

May all your future decisions be easier ones.

Monty's Python said...

Good on you fella. Well and truly worth the risk. If you do have multiples though you can always pawn the extras off to some Arabian warlord.

You have my prayers, even though I don't really pray.

River said...

Good Luck.

Louise said...

Good luck!! I will be checking this site EVERY DAY - as I have been for months now...:-)

Tanya said...

You know what? A lot of things in life are like that. You just have to stand back and actually appreciate the opportunities you are getting. I even have felt like that during pregnancy, getting annoyed that I need to pee 20 times each night, or that my back hurts, or that I cant walk properly anymore, or that everyone cringes when they see my stretchmarks... I have to keep stepping back and saying this is all for one outcome...in approximately 7 weeks time I am going to have to push out a tiny little being into the world and be responsible for their entire existence in the world. It really is amazing, as with your journey. For me, the best feeling was finding out I was pregnant, I walked on a cloud for about 3 weeks and all my partner did was smile...I cant wait until you guys have the same feeling!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angel - behave yourself.

@Que? - there are no private fertility facilities available here.

@Tracey - Thanks.

@Lorna - It's all perfect world scenarios isn't it, best of luck.

@areyoukiddingme - I must say, I hope they do!

@serenity - Thank you.

@Elfinamsterdam - We shall try.

@Chaos - Thanks.

@AnnD - take it easy there a little, one will suffice!

@Sheila - Heh, if that's my best shot we are in real trouble... thanks ;-)

@Ali - Thank you.

@Making Babies - that's kind of scary.

@Dan - I hope so!

@WhatAboutNovember - ;-P

@Ms. Moon - We shall see.

@CableGirl - Thanks.

@Bonnie B. - he got 7 too didnt he!

@anymommy - Thanks.

@M+B - Cheers.

@Jane G - Thank you.

@Horse Chick - Probably, cheers.

@Reg - 1st of April now... ;-)

@Shonna - Thanks.

@Stephanie - me too.

@Lea - was a tough one I must say.

@Karen MEG - thats not your first 'baby dust' foul! 1 more and I'll have to take action!

@Sarah - thanks.

@Elaine at Matters of the Heart) - Thank you.

@Russ - mental images...shudder..

@darcie - that it certainly does...

@expatswede - I love how you changed from your last comment ;-)

@suzannanana - Thanks!

@womb for improvement - only the first? feels like the 50th.

@Rikki - ;-)

@Robin - Thanks.

@Penelope - Thank you.

@Tismee2 - easy now...behave!

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - with or without the axe?

@Bubba - Och Aye!

@Heather - not so straight forward, but thanks!

@abritdifferent - logic goes out the window alright!

@Widdle Shamrock - Dont be creepy!

@J from Ireland - Thank you, and welcome!

@Veronica - :-O

@Shanny - Thanks.

@Hockeyman - Cheers

@Mistress B - Thank you.

@Anja - shut it...

@James - fingers crossed.

@hotmamamia - not that black and white, but thanks.

@Dto3 - I f*****g hope they are!

@Monty's Python - I don't lend money so you fancy a tenner?

@River - Thanks

@Louise - Deep breaths...

@Tanya - Don't, you'll start me off!

Jenni said...

well, alright! get to it then.

battynurse said...

Good for you.

Amanda said...

You know, we were told to "wait for 3 months before TTC again" by my Dr after I miscarried.
I'm very glad we ignored the Dr - I just kissed goodnight the now 4-year-old result of not waiting.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you feel is right.

IrishNYC said...

Just because they're doctors doesn't mean they know what's right.

I'm glad you made the decision that's right for you and ET. I would have gone mad letting a cycle slip by. I hope the hospital comes out on your side.

Karen MEG said...

Okay, I'll stop with the dust and I'll put a lid on Keane... but it did work with my other pal, didn't it? ;)

Claire said...

Yaaaaaayyyyy! Like many others I was really hoping you'd sod the statistics and just go for it this month. I am so excited and keeping everything crossed extra tight for you guys!

Claire said...

Yaaaaaayyyyy! Like many others I was really hoping you'd sod the statistics and just go for it this month. I am so excited and keeping everything crossed extra tight for you guys!

K8 the Gr8 said...

My blessings on your missuz'z follicles. My almost-sister is going through the same thing with the injections, so my fingers are crossed on both hands now.

Amy said...

Your last post shows how truly rough a decision this has been for you guys, and I'm sorry for that.
Hoping above all that now is your time.
(And the reminder of what it's all for will become necessary once again when ET's heaving her guts up every morning! Bring it on!)

bsouth said...

Cripes. Fingers crossed. I really hope you catch it this month

expatswede said...

No way, I didn't change my opinion! LOL! I just said what I would have done in your sitch vs after actually having a wee babe... ;) Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? Now I just know I couldn't handle multiples, no way, no how. But back then? While thinking I might never actually have children? Oh hell YES I would have welcomed multiples. I would have become Octomom if that had been my only way of becoming a mother.
So in your shoes I would have gone for, absolutely. Hope this is it for you!
Good luck.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jenni - Yes 'm

@battynurse - Cheers.

@Amanda - Thank you, that's the kind of thing I wanted to hear!

@IrishNYC - Thanks.

@Karen MEG - Good girl ;-)

@Claire - Thanks Claire!.

@K8 the Gr8 - Best of luck to her yeah?

@Amy - I hope so too.

@bsouth - 'Catch' it.... hehe

@expatswede - Just teasing... ;-)

Anonymous said...

It is the right decision. So glad you
listened to your gut and not the statistics which are bullshit anyway.
Good Luck my Friend
Deno

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Deno - Cheers!

Hope you're doing alright there with your hands full

Bluestreak said...

Yeah! You're closer. You are.

Jill said...

M - So thrilled that you went for it. Looking forward to hearing good news from you soon!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Bluestreak - Fine lines...

@Jill - We shall see.