While I'm still working on my post about my (frankly fabulous) hair for DooDaddy, I got to thinking about why the blog spark has started to fade.
I'm barely checking my reader, comments are few and far between and as for updating this malignant rodent of a blog, I am struggling to muster enough interest.
The question is - "what's changed?"
The answer is - "nothing". Absolutely nothing, time continues to pass and the disappointments accumulate and build and become heavier burdens to bear with each passing month.
The frustrations lead to undirected anger and therefore to silence, longer and longer periods of silence.
Which way do I turn?
Should I continue to dust off, jump up and start again, over and over. Blindly pretending against my natural belief that ignorance really IS bliss, or should I allow what I fear is already creeping in to take grip. Not wanting to want.
While I desperately want to tell myself to brush the moth balls from my, well, balls, and get on with trying to retain some ounce of testosterone, that really is what January has brought, an instinct to block it all out. All the day dreams, the ghostly imagined giggles, the lists of names never to be claimed, the blog entries full of excitement and pride, the online photo galleries never filled, and the small hand that never gets held.
With none of these running around my mind I get through my day more efficiently, I don't double take when I see my neighbour returning home exhausted from soccer with his 7 year old catching a piggy back, I don't live in dread of the news that will inevitably come next Monday, basically, I don't want to want.
But who am I kidding?
EDIT: Tuesday 15 Jan 10am
Just to clarify, we are most definitely not giving up or stopping, that was never in question.
It's just the energy to keep trying that's fading, SO much energy required, more mental than physical.
Many many thanks for your comments, it's quite touching.