Wednesday, 13 August 2008

The seventh sense

Before I paid any attention to the word 'infertility', and definitely before starting trying to conceive, I was the same as any other of the 83 percent of people who don't have any problems in this regard, oblivious.

I was as likely to ask my peers stupid, hurtful questions as anyone else. 'You should start popping them out now before it's too late' or 'I suppose we'll be hearing the pitter patter any day now?'

Now, things have changed.
We've struggled to conceive. Struggled is a much kinder way of saying failed, isn't it?

We've been through the exciting early months, full of sex induced giggles and exchanged knowing looks, 'that'll be us soon'.

We've had the doubts build over the months, uneasy moments when you allow your mind to wonder what lies ahead, the darker and previously un-thought of places of 'what if?'

We now find ourselves firmly planted in limbo, we can't go back, and can't go forward. We continue to hope, and try our best, hand over our trust to others, and brace ourselves for the next disappointment.

We face daily reminders of how big the vacant space in our lives is becoming.

We get left behind, people I read about are getting pregnant, friends, colleagues and family are passing us out.
The good news buzz sweeps around us, we add our congratulations, but the whirlwind moves on, carrying the happy with it, leaving us behind.

One more day, one more cycle, one more month, one more important date, one more test, one more delay, one more disappointment at a time.

What a transformation it’s been, from almost careless to almost hopeless.

This whole experience has soaked into me, drenched me to the bone, I'm different now, I don’t want to think about the sinister changes, so positively, I am more compassionate, more thoughtful, and more aware.

At times I joke to myself that I've become like that kid from 'the sixth sense', without the shocking haircut and the inability to speak aloud, but with a different extra sense.

"I see infertile people...."

I sit and watch people pass by.

It's easy to identify the parents, with the little midget people hanging off of them, a weary sleepless contentment in their eyes.

The parents in waiting are easy to spot, pregnant bellies of all stages on the mother, the proud spring in the step of the father, the smiles swapped when they pass other members of their excruciatingly exclusive club.

It's no problem to identify the young couples who haven't yet handed over their souls to the family desiring devils. They lounge around in Summer sunshine, flip-flop footed, almost careless.

There is another group, couples who walk around, heads lower than the others, at an unusual pace. They are not hurried like the parents, they are not strolling like the carefree.

They walk fast enough so they don't have the time to face up to what they are missing around them, but not too fast, there is no one waiting for them.

Mental weariness takes a different toll than physical, their eyes show the outward signs of the internal battles they've been fighting, for months, and likely, years.

Some of these couples walk with a notable distance between them. Others, the lucky ones, still squeeze each others hands now and then, they are not beaten yet.

Am I mad? Has all this driven me to hallucinations? Has all the blood finally relocated from my brain to my crotch?

I wonder can I really see them, and if so, I wonder if they can see me?

101 comments:

AnnD said...

You aren't crazy. I think the experience might have made you more sensitive thus picking up on that aura and non-verbal communication that other people who struggle with infertility have. This continues to KILL ME! God! Please bless ET and Xbox with a baby PUHLEEZE!!!

shannon said...

I haven't commented much but you are in my feed reader and I have really been inspired by your posts. I think just the fact that you haven't already said "Fuck this shit! I'm out of here!" shows that you and ET have what it takes to see it through. Would it be getting really old to just say a plain old I'm sorry? I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is so unfair!

Dondi Tiples said...

Delving into the depths of your soul can be a pretty sad thing to do. Maybe I should write some encouraging words here, but they'd sound so trite. I can only sympathize.

Chaos said...

Its not crazy, its more of an open minded, sensitivity thing. In the beginning we all believe we will have the ability to just announce that we are pregnant after the first couple of months. As time moves on and the number of doctors appointments rise with no child to speak of, we become more aware of those who are like us. Those who continue to try and struggle. Who congratulate those who have gotten to where we want to be. All I can finish with is sorry, I know this sucks.

baby~amore' said...

Been 'there' and it can be soul destroying the uncertainity of future children to give you a future.

I am the praying kind and you & ET are in my prayers.

Hockeyman said...

Oh we see you alright. That gap in your smile says "this guy's gonna ask me for some change, I know it."

In all seriousness, I do hope you guys make it happen. I cannot relate to your struggles but I can understand the need to end them. If I could send you swimmers, I would. Lord knows they see no obstacles and I have created a permanent obstacle for them. It will happen when it's supposed to happen and all you can do is persevere.

As always best of luck to you and ET.

Jenni said...

Beautiful and heartbreatking.

I hope you and ET are still holding hands.

Zoeyjane said...

This is really great writing Xbox. Best post I've read in a month, easily.

Putz said...

you know a lot of people would tell you that you are melodramatic, that you want something that is not so very neat, that you have each other or you can adopt, well i say that your own kids are the most important thing in the world and that great creator who said to multiply and replentish the earth in the right way was serious and he will seriously help you ...so that is why so many of us want that for you and that all these heroic gestures you are making are worth it....enough preaching....you are almost there i feel it

Kori said...

You fucker. I am crying and I hate you for cracking the hard shell I actually enjoy calling my heart. Just for that, I pray ET gets knocked up with triplets. BTW, look for my post later today.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Dude, this post makes me want to give you one of my kids.

Sadia said...

I'm been lurking for a few weeks now, so I suppose it's time to introduce myself. Hi!

Every time someone asks me about whether my twins are "natural", I want to punch them. I'm not usually a punching kind of person. It's not even that I had trouble conceiving. My husband and I appear to be painfully fertile. (Identical twins, first try!) But it seems like SUCH an insensitive question. If I had gone the IVF path, what makes someone think I'd want to discuss it, in front of my kids, with a stranger in the grocery store!?

To be fair, my friends who have had trouble conceiving are generally pretty comfortable talking about it with the "Are they natural?" askers. This is usually, however, after they've successfully borne twins. (Yeah, we twin parents tend to hang out together. They just get it, you know?)

Maggie, Dammit said...

You've made those of us who don't struggle more compassionate, more thoughtful, and more aware, too. Changing the world, Xbox.

iVegasFamily said...

It's all so unfair. You are so deserving of a child. I can't wait for it to happen and I'm confident it will, whether through the miracle of modern medicine, act of God or Spencer finally scoring on his own.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I see you, but I really just see snarkiness. And a whole lot of lovin.

womb for improvement said...

I'm with you on this.

But I wonder if this sixth sense disappears when couples do eventually conceive.

I hope not, I hope we retain our hard won awareness and compassion.

And I hope we get to find out.

jothemama said...

I'm so sad for you. And I can't say I know what you're feeling because there was me feeling put out I was going to have a summer baby instead of a Spring one according to plan...

But failure suggests you're no longer in the process of trying, right?

I'm assuming they don't do more serious tests until after two years because it takes a lot of couples two years of trying to get pregnant? Which means that there is a strong chance that within the next six months you'll nail it?

There are plenty of people here who've tried longer than you - and still got their success, it seems.

And what did I say about telling yourself you've failed? Do not underline that message to yourself. You can't afford to.

Everyone's being very nice, and rightly so. But I say, Chin up, Xbox! Shoulders back! This WILL happen for you.

THopgood said...

Came over by way of Kori's blog.

I don't know you and you have me in tears.

As one that is "with the little midget people hanging off of them, a weary sleepless contentment in their eyes" I am sorry you and your wife are struggling through this.

And as one who USED TO be "likely to ask my peers stupid, hurtful questions", you have forever changed my perspective. I will never again ask such insensitive & hurtful questions. Honestly, it never even occured to me that those comments could be hurtful.

So, thank you for educating me and I'm sorry for all your disappointment.

darcie said...

I always hated when people would say that to me - "Are you having kids soon? I really want a new grandbaby ya know!" blah blah blah.
I've never been down the infertility route myself - just the "I want kids the husband isn't ready" route and it alone was enough to teach me to be sensitive of others' predicaments - no one knows the burdens the other carries. Down right pisses me off to hear people comment. That being said...my heart breaks for you - but really for no good reason other than it's taking a little longer than you want it to - because I am confident that your little midget is going to be making his/her debut soon and you'll be one of those sleep deprived people you so long to be! If only I could wave my magic wand...xoxo - darcie in minnesota

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@AnnD - Really? Cool, I was hoping I wasn't.
Maybe God isn't checking his messages.

@Shannon - Thanks for popping up to say hellO!
and thanks for the kinds words, I'm very glad of them.
Sorry is good.

@Dondi Tiples - It IS a sad thing to do, but necessary. Having it here, articulated, eases my mind.
Thanks dear.

@Chaos - You've just summed up my last 17 months!
thanks.

@Baby~amore - Thank you, hope all is well.

@Hockeman - Just thank you, it's appreciated.

@Jenni - Pulling hair and giving dead arms, but close enough eh?
;0)

@Zoeyjane - wow. very flattering. thank you.

@Putz - You Sir, I can only thank for your insight.

@Kori - I knew there was one in there somewhere...
found your post. Thank you over and over.

@Ed - Can I have the youngest one? Chances are they are the least screwed up baby Z...

@Sadia - Thank you for surfacing!
I'm impressed you understand the insensitivity without having been there.

Congratulations on the twins, that's pretty special.

@Maggie, Dammit - Maggie, I can barely change my underwear.

@iVegasFamily - Your confidence is reassuring, thank you.

@A Whole Lot of Nothing - that's just your black black heart!

@Womb for improvement - VERY good question.
I posted about this a while back, why people who have passed through this, are often unwilling to talk about it.
There were some very informative comments. Reasons I had never thought of.
HERE




@Jothemama - I know, there are far worse situations we could be in.
That doesn't change the want though. Once that surfaces, be it 1 month or 1 year you can't shake it.

I'm not feeling as sorry for myself as you seem to think, this is just observational.
Thank you.

@THopgood - nice to meet you you big crybaby ;0)
If you have even the slightest idea what it might be like on this side, then I am glad.
Thanks.

@Darcie - Exactly, no one knows what's going on with others.
Spot on.
I think that wand of yours needs replacement batteries.

Minnesota - sounds nice.

'That Girl' said...

I'm so sorry y'all are going through such a hard time.

My instinct is to say shit like "don't let this bring you down, don't dwell, don't let it define you" but I know since I'm on the outside rather than sitting where you are, all that just sounds like "I'm a stupid bitch who has no idea what you're going through and I should just stop talking before I make it worse"

So, I'm just sending some love and prayers..

And also, I agree with what Maggie said.

Sarah said...

I feel your pain. I just havent felt it for as long.
I'm so sorry you two are going through this. Its not fair. Not at all. You two deserve a baby, and I believe it will happen for you. I really do. My crystal ball seems to be on the fritz right now, so I cant tell you exactly when. Sorry love.

Chip up!! <----hee hee hee!

Stella said...

oh i love this post. "i see infertile people". good one.

:-) oh whatever makes me smile - is helpful.

its so hard not to get weighed down by it all - almost daily i battle with these two feelings:

"IM totally cool. this is my life and i can only be grateful for each day i am given - and all that i have'.

or

"this blows. i'm sick of this. i'm not okay. this isn't okay. i'm tired - annoyed - and ready to come out of the naughty corner for whatever bad karma i have unleashed unto the world. ready for my cookie. please? DAMNIT?!"

Keep on...keepin' on brother.

Momo Fali said...

They are there. Sure as the sun rises and sets, they are there.

Tismee2 said...

About that book. I think that all this insight and esearch and everything else you have done is definitely put there for you to do something with. C'mon dude (I've always wanted to say that) you are at a crossroad so stop trying to go down the one with all the barriers and pot holes which just leads you back to where you started and try the other one.

It is blatantly obvious to me that you need to do something constructive apart from rubbing uglies.

Tismee2 said...

I don't mean to stop trying but to put your energy into other things too. men are sometimes so stubborn when things aren't going to plan - like asking for directions - nuff said?

Ryan Lawson said...

Dude, beautiful post. For reals.

Mr Lady said...

I am seriously *this close* to slapping a "This Space For Rent" sign on my abdomen, taking a picture and emailing it to you.

I wish this was easier. It sucks. That's all.

Quickroute said...

Sending positive energy and 4 leaf shamrocks your way x 100

swile67 said...

Yes, they can see you:)

I don't know how I found your blog but did and will stay for a while! I need to back track a bit to get updated on your journey. Thanks for sharing this journey in bloggyland. Personally I find it frustrating that society sort of dictates how life should turn out and deems us "failures" if we don't get married, have children, etc. You are not failures, but I can't even pretend to imagine how painful this has been for you. I stopped asking the "stupid" questions long ago.

jothemama said...

Hey, I didn't mean to suggest that because others have it worse tht you can't feel bad. I meant to say that others tried for longer and didn't fail, and that suggests you can't exactly write your efforts off as failure.

Just keep taking heart. When I did the acupuncture my hormones were like ZOING BOING WHEE! and there was no question about when I was ovulation. You have more options up your sleeve yet.

Kathryn said...

Man, you are an awesome writer, but I wish the subject matter didn't suck so much.
I wish I weren't so old so I could be a surrogate for you guys. Wait is 39 too old in Holland? If not...email me. I'd even dress up like ET and try to speak with your accent.

RRP said...

I think I get asked at least half a dozen times a week when we're going to have kids. From everyone - friends, relatives, dry cleaner, you name it. And the answer is always "next summer." Except the real answer is "when the uterus stops being so fucking hostile - 13 months and no signs of a white flag yet." I don't think people mean to be rude, they just don't get it.

loveyh said...

They know everyone is there. We can see you, and some of us have been you.

16 months into the Engineers' quest for insemination, I had to go to Babies R Us for a shower gift. I almost got arrested for SCREAMING at a fifteen-year-old mom-to-be blocking my way to the bib display. Life seems so unfair on the other side of the fence.

I have great hope that Spencer's aim will improve!

Robert Hogan said...

Jane and I used to get the "And when are you two having kids" eventually I started telling them tales of hope and missed periods, tentative scan dates and trips to the A&E for a D&C.

Now, regardless of how long a couple we meet have been married or together, we never ask about children, either they don't have them because they don't want to, or they don't have them because they don't have them, neither of which deserves a full explanation to practical strangers.

Monique said...

I'm with Mr. Hogan on this one...start regaling everyone using all the acronyms and abbreviations you can possibly throw in there whenever someone asks you a stupid hurtful question. That'll send em running...if only for a dictionary. :) Very heart-wrenching post xbox. Now, I'm the one who feels like they're spying.

Ashley said...

It's amazing what how it's the trials (the things we see as negative) tend to impact us in even positive ways. I hope it shapes you in the most positive light, but then I hope you kick its ass and show it who's boss. I hope you know how much you are cared about and good thoughts your way...hugs to you both.

Tara R. said...

There you went and did it... you made me cry. I can tell you that since visiting over here, I try to be much more sensitive to young couples and let them bring up the subject of children, sans children, or pending children.

B said...

Definitely not fully crazy, it's quite easy to notice any form of discomfort between two people...
Your reason as two why they're "less together"(if that makes sense) might be wrong though.

Bettina said...

I think sometimes when we go through difficult things that we have our blinders taken off and can them see that brokeness that comes from difficulty in others.

Not crazy at all.

anja said...

You guys aren't invisible. There will be the other couple you will pass one day that will see that empty look in your eyes and nod to themselves. It won't make them feel better; it won't make you guys feel better, either. You can empathise, somewhat, but you'll still feel ripped off.

Dude, it sucks. I can't say much more than that.

Country Girl said...

that was a beautiful piece of writing.

Thats all I want to say because I guess you're sick of people saying that it will happen soon.

It's a matter of luck and chance.

laurie, thatsthewayit said...

Okay, sweet man, I'm just gonna say it.

I was in your exact shoes. We tried, we cried, we tried, we fretted and then, one day, it hit me:

What is so special about my DNA?

And there was only one true answer: nothing.

That very day, we switched gears.

We adopted a wonderful baby girl.

And then we adopted another wonderful baby girl.

And then we adopted her brother.

Not a day goes by, not a single solitary day goes by when I don't think, "Thank God, thank God, thank God I never got pregnant."

3 children have a family who would otherwise have never had a home or parents. And they are the lights of the center at the universe, as far as I'm concerned.

I know for certain that no bio child could take up a greater or more important place in my heart and soul.

It's just a thought.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I agree with you that your life changes in ways that you never imagined. I just spent last Saturday with about a dozen pregnant surrogates and thought it was a perfectly normal way to spend my day.

Until recently, you couldn't have paid me to hang out with a pack of pregnant women. Yet, here I was hanging out with the whole pack - and even better - we meet them all over the internet.

Pregnant strangers, yet they seemed like old friends.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful, honest post.But you said something that I think is true for all us infertiles and that is it changes us forever, it makes us more compassionate and more aware. I truly believe that we cannot force anything to come to us, if it is to make it's way it will break through every obstacle. My issue is the opposite to yours, I get pregnant easily but lose them right before the 12 week hurdle. Sometimes I don't know what is more painful. I truly hope that your baby makes it way to you very, very soon. You sound so deserving.
Deno

Our Crooked Tree said...

What can I say that hasn't already been said? I think you are more aware of others around you because of what you are going through. The most important people to be aware of though, are the two of you. Keep "squeezing hands" and keep your head up. Your time has to come soon.

Missives From Suburbia said...

I know I have lost the ability to spot that in people. The sixth sense is no longer there for me, but I know precisely the feeling of which you speak.

Should you make it to the other side with a child of your very own in your arms, I can assure you that you will never be insensitive again. You will never probe friends about their plans for children, you will never ask childless couples why they didn't have kids.

The questions will form in your mind, as they do mine, but not because you're making idle conversation. The questions will rise up, because if they are in that tough place, you want to reach out to them. You want to just let them know someone really DOES understand. But you will not ask; you will choose instead to let people unfold and tell you their stories as they see fit. I like to think there is some grace in that, and that it's a zen way to approach life.

I hope for you, my dear. I hope every day for you.

Amy said...

Very moving post, Xbox. Thanks so much for the insight.

Laurie said...

Okay. Now I'm having comment regret . . .

I hope I didn't upset you with my comment.

When I was in your shoes 10 years ago, it might have bummed me out to read about adoption if I was very much still in the "birth or bust" place.

I hope I didn't hurt you. You seem like a really nice guy and a good guy. Oh, and you're a kick ass writer, too.

River said...

It seems so unfair now that I had my children, not because I was ready, not because I desperately wanted a baby, but just because I'd gotten married and it was the expected thing. Married people have babies, so we had babies. Never gave it a second thought until I started reading your blog.

I'd offer you my youngest grandchild, but she's 4 years old already and her newest saying is "I'll kick your arse". Probably not what you're looking for.

Sinead said...

Xbox, this post is the post of a defeated man, a man who is never going to have a child and yet there is an excellent chance that it will happen. Don't lose heart. Get through the next few months until the IVF clinic will get off their butt and take the next step and then follow their instructions to the letter and chances are you too will be part of the parent club. Then we will be reading posts about the strange things you hallucinate when you are sleep deprived. Chin up buddy. Don't go all negative on us yet, when there is still so much that can be done.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@That Girl - Don't listen to Maggie, she's drunk!
Thanks!

@Sarah - Thanks, I apprecaite it.

@Stella - Thanks, same to you, keep going!

@Momo Fali - you see them too?

@Tismee2 - You are nuts. Or drunk. Or both.
I get what you're trying to say, thanks.

@Ryan Lawson - that makes me way happier than it should. thanks.

@Mr Lady - If it's not your love tunnel I'm not interested...
;0)

@Quickroute - where you gonna get a shamrock in Argentina?

@Swile67 - Good for you, I totally agree. Hope the archives here don't depress you too much!

@Jothemama - Don't worry, I know, sometimes my replies here are a bit hurried and give the wrong impression.
Thanks Jo.

@Kathryn - I'll err...pass your offer onto ET...;0)
Thanks for the compliments, too kind.

@RRP - That's such a shame. Well done for not flipping out.
I know I would struggle not to.
Hope things work out. Thank you.

@Lovelyh - That must have been hard. We've had to do similar but for for a while now.
Thanks.

@Robert Hogan - Exactly, you 'get' it. You have had your eyes opened, unfortunately in such a horrible manner, and you can just appreciate that everything is not always as it seems.
Thanks. (and welcome)

@Monique - You can't spy on someone who's windows are way too wide open!
Thanks!

@Ashley - You are so kind. Very encouraging. Thank you.

@Tara R - AMEN! It's nice that you think a little. Trust me, that will save someone heartache sometime.

@B - I'm interested to hear your version!

@Bettina - Phew... I had my doubts!

@Anja - Very true. Thank you.

@Country girl - Just thank you, very much.

@Laurie - I'm glad you found your peace, in yoru way.
It's not for everyone, but who knows.
No need to worry about offending, not at all.
it's just your experience.
Thanks.

@IVF land on surrogacy world - Not how you imagined things going eh?
NIce,

@Deno - I've been trying to follow your story from comments elsewhere.
If Im right you have a scan today?

(thanks)

@Our Crooked Tree - Thank you, we will.

@Missives from suburbia - Nicely said, thank you, very much.

@Amy - you're welcome, it's just how things are, nothing special.
Thank you,

@River - I'd take an arse kicker at this stage. Don't ever say it was unfair you had them, that's just not true.
Thanks.

@Sinead - Honestly, it's not! I'm not defeated at all (today anyway).
In fact I'm probably more optimistic than in months.

This was just observational really, was thinking about it a lot while walking around with our visitors.

Jane G said...

Another excellent post.

I don't see infertile people where we live, mainly because we live in small town Ireland where people move to when they have kids. Everyone seems to have their 2.4 kids in tow, and at times I feel like a bit of a freak of nature for being in my late 30's and childless. Mind you, I must be hiding it well to some people. At a party at the weekend, someone asked me what age was my oldest? Ouch!

Keep the chin up and keep holding those hands.

nh said...

Well said - it's a horrid hateful journey, but you can learn a lot on the way! Just make sure you keep being one of those couples that hold hands!

'That Girl' said...

I ONLY listen to drunk people.

Anonymous said...

Yes I do! and I am wearing a nappy.
I am shitting myself. It is week ten and this is usually when things go wrong. Will keep ye posted. Thanks!!!!!
Deno

Alexandra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexandra said...

I don't know if you're crazy or not. I would hope so!

In any event, I've only just discovered your blog and thought it only right to have the following introduction:

"Spencer, meet Clive."

Susanica said...

Aha. I can see clearly now. You are the quintessential Irishman. You see, in most cultures when one ranks high in a particular attribute they rank low in its opposite. Not the Irish.

For example, if you have high self esteem, you should rank low in self deprecation. But not you X box guy! You’re high in both. And so your writing reflects a high level of hopelessnes, but I sense a high level of hopefulness too!

Ahhh…all those sociology classes paid off for me. And, oh, you don’t know this, but I’m one of those 100% Irish people myself. Fitz something (looks like Fitzscribble no matter how I sign stuff. ;-)

I for one cannot wait to see your blog posts once you and ET get that pink line! -M

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane - Ouch indeed! holy shit, what did you say?

@nh - It certainly is. Thanks!

@That Girl - hahaha, explains a lot! ;0)

@Deno - Oh god, I hope this sticks. let us know (or drop a mail if you like) how it goes?

@Alexandra - Probably need to be don't I?
Too funny, Clive, maybe it's the unmanly names that hinder us?

@Susanica - I doubt the high self esteem, seriously!

I never knew you were Irish, AND the name...spooky!

James Austin said...

Been there, and yes you do get a sort of sixth sense of who your colleagues in misery are. It is truely a low time, so I empathyze with you. Time though, has a way of rolling on.

You will be here some day, along with those of us 'former' sufferers and it will seem like a distant memory, really. I know that is not much help now, but perhaps it offers a bit of positive perspective. Hang in there.

B said...

My version wouldn't be much fun and full of self pity.

My brothers got a broken Xbox 360... you can use it in your trade for nappy rash if the Xbox isn't working, it's probably worth more than a fully functioning original.

Captain Dumbass said...

It took my wife and I 3 1/2 years for our first, and there was nothing wrong with either of us, just didn't happen. It's impossible for others to understand just how brutal it is going month to month with nothing to show for it. Especially once you find out there's no physical reason for it not to be happening. Friends and family laugh and joke that you're not trying hard enough, but it's nothing to laugh about.

In the end though, it did happen. And when we decided to try again, it happened the VERY FIRST TIME!.

I won't bother telling you to stay strong or keep trying or just give it time because you've probably heard it a million times. Just know that you're not alone and I wish you luck.

Holemaster said...

XBox, I'll say a little prayer. Or maybe I'll ask my folks to say one, might get a better result. I hope it happens for you soon.

Meg said...

I've seen your comments everywhere in the blogosphere and today is my first visit. I finally get your title.

Let me say you are an eloquent writer and it's a pleasure to read something so honest.

I wish you the best.

bsouth said...

Once again you leave me speechless with your incredible way with words. Thank you for sharing and god, I wish I could do something to help.

bsouth said...

Once again you leave me speechless with your incredible way with words. Thank you for sharing and god, I wish I could do something to help.

Anita said...

Beautiful post xbox.

I just wanted to clarify that I too didn't want to offend you, or others, with a previous post, but I so feel for you and ET. I have been where you are now (6 years) and could not see any way out. My life was consumed by my infertility. But you will get there, and when you do you will it will be the most amazing time in your life.

Keep fighting the fight.

Dto3 said...

There's nothing worse than thinking you are the only one. I'm kind of happy for you that you can see the other infertile people. I suggest you give all those fertiles an internal snub and feel proud that you've got something they don't. Wait, they've got something you don't. Oh screw it, just flip 'em the bird. It'll make you feel better. Maybe get you beat up, but it'll be worth it.

Jill said...

Wow. Your post left me speechless (which is very difficult to do). As always, thinking of you and wishing you a good month.

Dorky Dad said...

If it helps, I thought about you when I went to the Irish fair this weekend. And I almost bought a T-shirt that said "I see green people."

And if you're crazy, it's probably due to blogging. Otherwise, you're just doing the same thing anybody else would do in your situation.

noswimmers said...

I just came across your blog. You hit the nail on the head with seeing the difference between the fertile, expecting, and infertile. I can spot them a mile away.
After 5 years of being in the "infertile" category, I had 19 blissful weeks in the "expecting" category...but sadly we lost our twin girls. Having recently been through hell and back, I can tell you that your perspective will never change, and you will be a more compassionate, caring person for it. Not that it takes away any of the pain.
Thank you for bringing such a clear, honest voice to the community.

Angel said...

This was an unbelievable post. It has left me feeling so sad, but not in a way I regret. In a desperate way.

You have to tell someone. If the two of you continue to hold it in, it's going to drive you ape-shit. I honestly think you should start telling people you're trying. As hard as it will be.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@James Austin - hopefully sir, hopefully.

@B - Self pity? we'll have none of that around here...

@Captain Dumbass - (great name!)
That's a reassuring story, sometimes, yes sometimes, it's just pure luck, or lack of.
We'll keep going regardless. Thanks, and welcome.

@Holemaster - Welcome!
I'll gratefully accept any prayer, I can't bring myself to say one.
Thanks very much, appreciated.

@Meg - Yeah I'm an internet slut!
Wow, thanks for the compliment, that means a lot, honestly.

@Bsouth - you, speechless? come one now, tell the truth...

@Anita - thanks.
No offence taken whatsoever, don't worry so much!

@Dto3 - an infertility uprising of sorts! theres an idea...

@Jill - Just thanks. very much.

@DorkyDad - You should have bought it, and posted pics!
Just keepin on keepin on, thanks.

@Noswimmers - I don't know what to say, honestly.
So long trying, and for that to happen, I don't think I could cope, at all.

I hope there are brighter times ahead for you two.
Thanks? no thanks, it's just the way things are -shit!

Welcome.


@Angel - I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.
As for telling, I really don't know.

Some people know, to varying degrees.

Giving up the last bit of control you have in a situation where you have almost none, is very daunting.

Jane G said...

In reply to your question, I just said that I didn't have any kids, but we were trying. I always go for the honest response! (Plus I had a few drinks on board at the time!)

Sully Sullivan said...

Wow Nappy, 75 comments. You're a hit my man. Can you lend me some comments, I'm waaaaay short.

And hang in there man good things happent to good people.

Congrats again on the award from Kori.

Sully Sullivan said...

Oh and as for my math on my comment a few posts back...yeah I'm a moron. Obviously a cycle is a month which is 4 weeks. It must have been early that morning or something because I'm normally a bit sharper than that.

Sarah said...

Y'know....considering how many laughs you've given ME, you can quote me till the cows come home!

G'head! =)

And really, coming from you...thats a huge compliment. Thanks!

Ciao!

Maxi Cane said...

First time having a proper read here, dude.
At this stage there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already and I won't insult you with "Chin up" type lines.
You've touched a lot of people with your story so far and I'm sure it's helping someone some where go through something similar.

I usually end my comments with a witty word, but now is not the time.

I'll be checking in more often, I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

Xbox, the scan went well. I barely got myself up on the bed to get scanned, I was so petrified. I HATE ultrasounds...hate..hate..hate.
But the rasberry was there. Next hurdle is to see if it has 46 chromosones. The five I lost had abnormalities. I go back in 2 weeks. Good luck to Spencer....go on ye LAD!!
Thanks,
Deno

Anonymous said...

oops ..typo...chromosomes.
Deno

Jo Beaufoix said...

Not crazy, and I really hope it happens for you.

Leslie Laine said...

Damn! You really get it. Thanks so much for this post - I felt like you were reading my mind.

Rita's Rants n Raves said...

Oh Xbox, you had me in tears. I do know what you and ET are going through. Although my hubby (the King-marriedleos) probably didn't feel like I did, I cringed every time someone we knew got pregnant, I would go home and cry. I wanted to hate these women, why were they better that me? I wanted to know why we couldn't get pregnant, how I wanted to have his child. Now I have two children from a previous marriage so I didn't understand why all of a sudden there was a problem. At first I thought it had to be the King because I had two kids, but that was ruled out once he was tested. We tried for two years (which I'm sure you will agree that is a very long time) before we tried invetro. After months gone by we finally got pregnant, and with twins. I do pray that long over due journey to parent hood is coming to a light, you have been through too much and just knowing that I feel that the both of you will become awesome parents. Don't give up hope.

tiff said...

Crying now.
All you write is so true and I don't think you ever really lose that compassion or the ability to see other infertiles and you never take anything for granted in that realm, either.

Kelley said...

I know it is completely different. In a huge way. But I do understand your pain. When my friends children reach milestones, when Boo's peers treat him like a baby - lovely protective wonderful kids that they are - when people give me that look of realisation after saying something about finally having time to themselves when their kids leave home. I wonder if that will ever be me. I have got to trust that what I am doing will end in the result that I desperately need. As do you.

Sometimes when I read your blog the pain is so raw it makes me draw a sharp breath. I understand that pain, a completely different situation, but pain all the same. A pain of need. Of envy.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - you showed more restraint than I would have, thats for sure.

@Sully Sullivan - would it be tastless of me to point out the hundred I got last week ;0P
Kori chose well sir, as I've already said.

Thanks man.

@Sarah - Thanks Sarah, I've put a few together I want to use for a post.

@Maxi Cane - Thanks a million, it's a real boost to hear that.
I love when the Irish faces pop up.
Cheers.

@Deno - It's a good step deno, I really fucking hope you get good news in two weeks again.
Let us know yeah?

@Jo Beaufoix - Thank you Jo, I appreciate it.

@Leslie Lane - Nice to hear you connect with it. Thanks.

@Rita - Thanks for the story, I can only be glad you came through it, successfully.
Thanks a million.

@Tiff - Sorry Tiff. But yes, we'll never take it granted, ever.

@Kelley - A pain of need, & envy. Absolutely spot on.
Yep, we have totally different situations but the parallels are there.

You have my full respect.

nola said...

Ah. Heartbreaking. Sometimes I read your blog and feel I can add hope and commiseration. And then there are these days where, honestly, it just sucks and that's all there is to it. I saw what you are seeing. Still see it. You are not mad, or at least no more mad than others who have gone down your rough path.

CS and I are thinking about having a second child. And using fertility treatment again. And whether we do it or not, that's not my point. My point is, I now have 100% confidence IF we did it, we'd conceive. And I KNOW you can't know that for yourselves no more than we could know it with Sun. BUT if you (and if we could have with Sun) can *pretend* to know it--to have that faith--oh, the stress you can save yourself. In other words, give the worry to the doctors. Let this issue be in their hands and you just follow their advice. And when the doc says it's hopeless THEN you allow that to be. But UNTIL AND UNLESS the docs say that, don't let it steal your thoughts.

I say this not to preach. But to help where I needed it most. I really, really, really thought the fertility treatment wouldn't work. I KNEW it wouldn't. And I beat myself up and worried and all that shit for NOTHING. It was the worst time of my life and much of it was my own doing. If I could spare you just an inch of it, I would.

But if you had told me this back then, I woulda say, that's your case. Mine is different. And I still woulda done just as I did.

Except for this. (Okay, here comes the longest comment ever, sorry!). I had lunch with a male friend of mine during this time, and he too had been down the road and ended up with twins.

And he said to me, "It'll happen. It just may take longer than you anticipate." For some reason, him telling me that, the same thing my husband and doctors had been more subtly suggesting, clicked. And I believed. I was calm and felt reassured. Those feelings of confidence didn't last, unfortunately, but I would return to his words time and again for comfort. Even if he was wrong, if the words eased my suffering for a spell, I would take the peace.

So I say to you: It will happen. It just may take longer than you anticipate.

jothemama said...

Nice comment, Nola. I think.

Xbox, are you guys talking to your baby? The one that's in the holding pattern, waiting til their time is right?

You could tell them what they're coming to, the love that is waiting for them. How welcome they are. Tell them it's time, you're ready, invite them to you now.

Open up to the baby in the ether. Call them, the one that's waiting for you.

If it was me, I'd be doing that with candles and rose oil and so on, but I'm a big white-witch, hippy type, really. You might prefer to do it silently, or write it. Do the medical stuff, and the terminology, but talk to the baby too.

Jared said...

Dude, I feel shitty knowing that I am one of those people you read about. I was really hoping that you would succeed before we did.

Keep your head up man! Focus on what you have in your life...not what you don't.

I'm a true believer that good things come to good people, and you sir, are good people. :D

Enjoy it! Time flies when you are having fun, right?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Nola - I dunno can I do your comment real justice, but thanks.
For what it's worth, I am personally, still VERY optimistic.
More so now than in a long time.

It's already taken longer than I anticipated so I'm prepared for the long haul.
Thanks.

@jothemama - In short Jo, No.
You make it sound very nice, almost romantic, but I really don't have the belief in that.

For me, it's biology, and luck.

Everything else is self reservation.

I wish I could but
it wouldn't be genuine.

THanks!


@Jared - No way, don't every feel shitty about that.

We hear the same news from people every week.


Thanks for the kind words, and enjoy the peace and quiet while you can!

jothemama said...

No consciousness before conception?

Fair enough.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jothemama - consciousness, you mean me or 'the baby'?

Like religion and faith etc, you can't force a belief, and you can't fake it either.

Your words were lovely, honestly, but I can't do those things and believe.

jothemama said...

No, no, I really mean what you said, fair enough.

It's not like I can prove it :)

STE said...

I hate to sound trite, but I'll say it anyway: Infertility fucking sucks.

Hope it helps just a bit that there are others who understand just how much it sucks.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jothemama - we seem to cross our wires here a bit eh?

;0)

@STE - I've written tens of thousands of words on here about it, but what you said is more accurate than the lot!

Take care.

Karen MEG said...

You do sense it. I believe you. I think it emanates, comes from the pores, the aura... hope/ despair, weariness ... it needs to be let out somehow.

After all our struggles, going through it, I was horribly bitter towards some people; and immensely more sensitive to others. You just don't know what it will do to you.

But in the end I did come out of it more attuned. And perhaps now I give off vibes that I am one people can talk to about it. It's amazing the number of conversations I've had with people, some virtual strangers, about this issue. Almost as if I wear an invisible badge that declares that I lived through it and this "shiny happy" exterior has some deeper, more painful layers.

I think that in a lot of ways, once an "infertile", always an infertile.

This was an awesome post.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been on the infertility side for five years now. We moved a year ago to a place that we plan on being at for a while and have finally started the more serious process of it all. Trust me, I understand... but I see it so differently than 98% of the "infertile"... I wear my flip flops, smile, hold my husbands hand (it's him, not me) and know that these moments are important too... he's my everything... and if it's God choice for us not to have a baby biologically, than... that's what will happen... I can't change fate... I can only mess with it so much with science... that's not to say I don't have bad days... but most days are amazing. The best most encouraging words I have ever received that I will share with you is that "good parents don't go to waste" your time is coming... patience, lots of hand holding, and a positive attitude will get us all there with a few less wrinkles :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Karen MEG - wow. you got that so right, some of those words, weariness especially.

and 'You just don't know what it will do to you.'

So right.

Thank you.

@Anonymous - Its warming to see you still have a good connection, especially after such long hard times.
The best best of luck to you.

Geeks in Rome said...

Amen, you do have this 7th sense of "barren-radar" and it is a gift. I am grateful for having developed it, too. What a beautifully written post about "the lost people."

I hope your hunch is right. Ovulation is a wacky thing. I have very irregular cycles so it was impossible to predict my period and therefore OV. I was so suprised to learn it's not 14 days after yr last period, but 14 days before yr next. Also that Spencer needs to punch in right before ovulation actually occurs and not during or after -- such very witchcrafty stuff. But between the OPKs and studying snaily cervical mucous, I got pretty damn good at predicting when the egg would hatch. came in handy when the tubes finally got clear for the sperms' landing.

GOOD LUCK. may your string of guests have provided the needed good fortune!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Geeks in Rome - Funny, I was just thinking last night that I hadn't visited you in a while, and here you are to remind me!

'Lost people' is right, what an unusual existence.

As for the optimism, it's great, for now.

Funny how a few simple bits of information can make all the difference, and yet we are not always aware.
When ovulation 'should' occur, when the right time is to take advantage of it etc.

Simple things, but we are not always in the know.