Monday, 10 November 2008

Anyone got a cigarette?

As this is a family show I won't be going into details, but suffice it to say that the impending insanity from earlier is no longer a threat on the horizon.

If you live in Western Europe, I apologise if I woke you.

Wounds and scars have healed and I've been saved from the fate of slowly turning into a smurf from the scrotum outwards.

Incidentally, in searching for a picture of one, I've noticed how odd they are.

There is only one female among them.

The male ones have no nipples, so I conclude that Smurfette doesn't have them either.

The guys all go around bare chested, and wear quite tight trousers with ne'er a glimpse of a bulge, or roll, or smuggled banana.

All in all, it's shockingly bad situation to be in, reproductively speaking.

Today is CD27, the red menace should be making an appearance, today or tomorrow, Wednesday at the very latest. She's never bloody around when you want her.

Our 'Fertility Friend' chart shows us a possible ovulation back on CD17 based on OPK result and very slight temperature rise, even though it was higher two days previously.

It's all irrelevant anyway, as to be pregnant this cycle we are missing many vital ingredients.

A stable, a donkey, and three wise men for starters.



59 comments:

joe said...

i'd think you have the donkey angle well and truly covered :)

Angel said...

Oustanding post. Did you never watch the Smurfs on tv when you were a kid? Not only is there just one girl, but she wasn't always there. She was CLONED and originally sent there to destroy them!

I used to get called "Smurfette" a lot in school. Because of my size NOT my evil ways.

John Braine said...

"Damnit Xbox, why you gotta get all Smart on us!?"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTWjPHfXnUE

Joe said...

Oh, look at that - our cycles have synchronized! Didn't know that was possible via blogging.

Russ said...

I watched the Smurfs while growing up. Never understood why there was only one girl.

But, Xbox, a family show? Do you not read your blog?

AnnD said...

Maybe her red menace is hanging out with mine because today is CD 29 and I haven't seen mine yet either. But, like you and ET, I don't think any beanie was made this month, it was kind of a slow month for us...my hubby has been sick. As you said, they never show up when you want them to.

Ms. Moon said...

Ah, XBox. The entire world feels more at peace now, knowing you've been "relieved." I had thought the feeling had come from the recent election of Barack Obama but now I see I was mistaken.
Thank-you for doing your duty for humankind.

Chaos said...

Well its good to know the moons in planet xbox have aligned again.

Jenni said...

Since when have you EVER spared your readers any details? But I guess there's a first time for everything.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Disturbing. I now have to continue my day with the image of a smurf burned in my brain. Thanks.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Why oh why did you have to dissect the outward appearances of the smurfs? Now they're all sexualized in my childhood memories because I'm imagining them with nipples and bulges...

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Would you mind keeping all of this stuff to yourself. It's ruining my image of you being an angelic little Irish leprechaun spreading fairy dust. Or is that an oxymoron?

Tismee2 said...

So there were shepherds then?
(Wise men, donkey...? oh never mind!)

I'm so glad you got 'sorted', I was cringing about the possible topic of your next post.

Putz said...

+your writing didn' embarass me this time...milk toast blog, but still very forceful in a subtle way....i have stopped blogging for a while...find it hard to come up with material...don't say anything nappy

Marie said...

I thought I heard something the other day... coming from the east...

People in the Sun said...

Nipples or no nipples, I'd still do her.

Susanica said...

Oh, that's why those smurfs were blue...

...never made that connection ;-)

Tara R. said...

Check the sky tonight... if you see a really bright star... well, you never know.

Kori said...

You have rendered me speechless yet again.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Joe - Smart ass... hee hee geddit?

@Angel - You sure you weren't called that because you were really cold?

@John Braine - I am scarred for life.
I now have to watch that movie.

@Joe - blah, not good news sir.

@Russ - Watch the clip John posted above for a full explanation!
(without the kids around)

@AnnD - I'm warning you!!!!

@Ms. Moon - Election of who? hadn't heard...
;0)

@Chaos - Oh there was moons alright!

@Jenni - I'll have you know, I'm PG!

@Ed - and that's bad, how?

@ImmoralMatriarch - Mmmm, blue nippples... curious.
Isn't it time you elected a blue president?

@A whole lot of nothing - what did you
call me?

@Tismee2 - I hate to think what you were expecting.

@Putz - I imagine a man of your experience could not be embarrassed.
Don't stay away long!

@Marie - Too many jokes there!

@People in the sun - well, duh, yeah.

@Susanica - Basically, they are sexually frustrated midgets.

@Tara R - where can one get his hands on frankincense around here...

@Kori - Talk of blue nipples can do that to a woman...

iVegasFamily said...

I bet off-camera all the Smurfs were hitting Smurfette.

tiff said...

Why was there only one girl smurf amongst all of those boy smurfs anyway? How did the community survive?

and...that was you?

RRP said...

I'm quite certain there's nothing I can say now that wasn't said yesterday. Nonetheless, I assure you when I told the husband yesterday, mid-car ride, that I was "talking to a friend" while he was driving and I was passenger-ing, I did not mention that by talking I meant cheering for cross-continent humping.

TW said...

Phew. What a relief!

James Austin said...

Don't forget that snowball in hell too.

womb for improvement said...

Gah! It feels like Christmas comes earlier and earlier every year.

nh said...

I think I'm still in shock that you have decided at this late stage that your blog is a 'family show'! Hope AF shows her face soon and you can get on with getting on with it!

Anja said...

Smurfette is about the right height for you, Boxboy.

Veronica said...

The Smurfs must have been kinkier than we realise if there was only one girl in amongst all those boys...

kittyconcerto.com said...

Smurfette is the world's smallest pimp of nipple-less wonder men. She might be my blue hero.

Jo Beaufoix said...

I never thought about there only being one smurfette before. Weird. And weren't they all related anyway? They all called the same bloke Papasmurf.

Deb said...

I thought that was a sonic boom.

hotmamamia said...

Wise men are due up next month...that should make it a great one for you...now that is family viewing!

Jayne said...

Sadly, I've never noticed that Smurfs are Nipple-Challenged before...but now it's going to haunt my every waking moment :P

Marie said...

:-D

tysdaddy said...

Ever see the movie Donnie Darko? There is an excellent part in there where the characters are chatting one another up about the smurfs. I almost wet myself laughing . . .

River said...

My husband's nickname for me is smurf. I call him troll.....

prayingtodarwin said...

Smurf Nuts.

That will be your new nickname, henceforth.

Yes, I do realize that this post is about you avoiding them.

But I don't care.

Smurf Nuts.

Paint it Black said...

I really loved the smurfs growing up. I even collected the figurines.

Recently I watched a Smurf dvd and discussed some questions with my sister. We think there was a baby smurf in some eposodes (not on dvd) and 2 young smurfs too.

Now did Gargamel make them? Or was Smurfette Baby Smurfs mum. Who was the father? Maybe (like in a cult) Papa Smurf was the only male aloud to breed. If he had no penis did he use one of his magic spells that he was famous for. Was la la la la their cult chant? How old is Papa Smurf? Why isn't Greedy Smurf really fat?

Yes I know, get a hobby.

Kelley said...

If you came to my damn party blog you could have had an awesome smurf made of fondant.

Bastard.

Oh and I wasn't aware this was a family show. Will be sending Boo over shortly. I am sure he would like to make a movie about your man juice.

womb for improvement said...

Just seen this T-shirt:
http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=16&idproduct=4115

It says it all.

amy said...

Do you suppose the male smurf bear-chested, tight white trouser look is where boy bands get their inspiration?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@iVegasFamily - Smurfal Abuse? Not to be tolerated.

@Tiff - Why? to fetch the beers of course...

@RRP - The truth is stranger than fiction.

@TW - Literally.

@James Austin - How could I possibly!

@Womb 4 improvement - ...snort...

@nh - PG! less smut than the Russel Brand show...

@Anja - no big deal, women have knees.

@Veronica - Smurfette was a SL, UT.

@Kittyconcerto - there's no accounting for taste I suppose...

@Jo Beaufoix - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Waco.

@Deb - that's one way to describe it...

@Hotmamamia - We wont be sticking it on YouTube...perv.

@Jayne - How do we know when smurfette is cold?

@Marie - tut, tut...

@Tysdaddy - I had never seen it, but John up there in the comments left a link to a clip!

@River - What a loving sounding couple...

@prayingtodarwin - it could grow on me, must be said. Beats this stupid name anyway.

@Paint it black - maybe Greedy smurf was also bulemic smurf?

@Kelley - Creepy. Gross. And borderline criminal.

@Womb 4 improvement - I WANT ONE!!!!

@Amy - Boyzone - Smurfs? shudder....

sarah said...

Even if pregnancy is impossible this month, it helps you to not go crazy to still keep track! We did that the month I had my surgery as well...

glad to hear everyone is all healed and back to normal!

Jane G said...

Jaysus, I don't look in for a couple of days and your blog has descended into a debate about Smurf nipples and such like!

I always thought it was strange that there was only one girl smurf too...

UrbanVox said...

DO NOT get m started on my Smurf Theories!
lol

geeksinrome said...

a little off topic but have you heard of this? I think you would make a great contestant!

http://myfertilityplan.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/10/join-the-1st-annual-international-infertility-haiku-competition.html

or if the link doesn't work Google "fertility plan infertility haiku"

Maggie, Dammit said...

I think you know what's coming.

"Wounds and scars have healed and I've been saved from the fate of slowly turning into a smurf from the scrotum outwards."

[bowing.]

Quickroute said...

Feeling blue are we?

Anonymous said...

Love the "Smuggled Banana" comment...have to use that from
now on. Although "Canoe in yer pocket" is one of my Favourites, from Black Adar of course....down boy down!
Deno

B said...

Donnie Darko's done it already.

Check out the directors follow up film! Southland Tales is its name.

Stella said...

i could totally get you the donkey.

sincerely,
hussy

Momo Fali said...

Aw. Well, I'm wishing on the Star of Bethelem anyway.

Huckdoll said...

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo.

Smurf theme song. Stuck in head. Thanks for that ;)

John Braine said...

>Donnie Darko's done it already.

And a load of commenters have already done that B!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sarah - I absolutely agree

@Jane G - Cult I'm telling you...

@UrbanVox - Bring em on...

@geeksinrome - Haiku is one of the worlds greatest evils!

@Maggie, Dammit - Merci Beacoup.

@Quickroute - not anymore ;0)

@Deno - Filth, pure filth...

@B - Is it plagerism if I was unaware of it's existence?

@Stella - No need, plenty asses around here...

@Momo Fali - is that the name of a horse?

@Huckdoll - Funny , I got 'in my life' by the beatles from that.

@John Braine - Pushy git isnt he...

B said...

John B: Yeah, but I wanted to get my southland tales plug across
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgbuuUIMHq8

X4NR: everyone's aware of its existence!

geeksinrome said...

Ok, so you don't like Haikus, but you WILL like this! It seems everything I'm coming across this week makes me think of XBox... you're just like that silly song I can't get out of my head.

Anyway, it is an "I Blame Spencer" t-shirt by The Fug Girls and it is ON SALE thanks to the recession.

http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=16&idproduct=4115

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - I knew of the movie, had never seen it. 'Mad world' turned me right off.

@GeeksinRome - someone showed me that just the other day, aren't they fantastic?

I blame him too!