Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Vagina bucket

Ovulation has left the building.

"OvFest 21" was a roaring (well, grunting, at least) success, earned much critical acclaim, but we have to wait a couple of weeks to see if it will gain nomination for any major awards.

What I'm noticing more and more is a tendency to give it 'one for the road'.

This is a 'just in case' coming together of weary reproductive organs, long after the realms of possibility and fantasy have been left far behind.

"We have a .0001% chance of it working"
"ah, try it anyway."

"Ovulation was a week ago you fool"
"ah, you never know, try it anyway."

It's come to the stage that the physical act of attempting impregnation is becoming so addictive, and therefore so drawn out past any point of possible success, that my wee baby bullets would have to actually swim backwards in time to hit their target.

Marty McFly meets Spencer, if you like.

Nevertheless, even as I write this and put it out in plain black and white, knowing that ovulation has come and come and come and gone, we'll still end up giving an encore performance of the pubic polka even though the audience have all left and gone home.

We'll take that penile cloth, and wring it out one last time, in an attempt to get one more drop of jolly juice into ET's baby bucket.

All in all, after all the ups and downs of the last year or two, hopeful and randy isn't a bad place to be at all.


55 comments:

Claire said...

"We'll take that penile cloth, and wring it out one last time, in an attempt to get one more drop of jolly juice into ET's baby bucket."

Eww.

I admire your team spirit though. And you DO have to be in it to win it - I bet if you were trying NOT to get pregnant you wouldn't trust OPKs and temping to stop Spencer and Ellie from getting jiggy, so why not hedge your bets?

Anja said...

Somehow the image of you being a randy little midget makes me giggle something wicked.

River said...

Nothing wrong with sex at any old time. You never know, one might just catch.

Joe said...

"pubic polka"?

Christmas will never be the same again. One way or the other!

Bluestreak said...

xbox, sex for sex´s sake. It´s a beautiful thing, especially amidst a whole lot of purposeful bangin´

Plus if Irony has her way, and I find she does, the little whore, ET would probably get preggo on the least likely day of the month.

WiseGuy said...

Jeez.....what are you upto? Drowning the world in a tub full of wicked SOH?

'Murgdan' said...

I think once you've tried the 'this is how we know it works' timing method so many times without success...you're perfectly willing to try any of the 'just-in-case-you-never-know' methods.

After all...it always works for the general public.

So...'wring it out' and try once more. You never know....

frogpondsrock said...

one for the road is always a good plan...

Kelley said...

Dude, you have outdone yourself this time. I felt the bile rise in my throat at the title, the 'wee baby bullets' and then 'We'll take that penile cloth, and wring it out one last time, in an attempt to get one more drop of jolly juice into ET's baby bucket.' made me actually throw up in my mouth a little.

Bravo or Bravo or hurl or whatever...

Awesome.

I think I will go and clean the fecal murals in the bathroom to feel clean.

Tanya said...

TRY IT ANYWAY!!!

TRUST ME :-D

Good Luck Guys!!!

Putz said...

this is work, not pleasure...where is your work ethic????you have to please th gods and make them know you are serious....rememember i didn't get tyhe picture until wweee were in cylce 48

Ms. Moon said...

One for the road, one for the love.
Not so bad.

Jane G said...

The pubic polka? What's next, the sexual Siege of Ennis? (that would be a good one for an Irish wedding!)

We believe in the one for the road method too. We always say one more to seal the deal. Purely in the name of our Catholic duty of course :)

Sarah said...

"We'll take that penile cloth, and wring it out one last time, in an attempt to get one more drop of jolly juice into ET's baby bucket."

Ew....that doesnt sound sexy, or fun. At ALL. It almost sounds painful.
Though I do like the term Jolly Juice. Heh!

Russ said...

"one for the road"? You horny bastard!

nh said...

There is nothing wrong with 'one for the road' or even several for the road!

Elaine said...

Glad to hear you sound so chipper. I'm dreaming of a two pink line Christmas for you and the Mrs.

Jenni said...

Okay, I have to go back and read your post (which I'm sure is awesome) but I wanted to comment first to tell you I think that is the best blog post title ever. EVER. Vagina Bucket. HA!

Jenni said...

Are you kidding me? Hopeful and randy is an AWESOME place to be!

Tara R. said...

Hopefully and randy sounds like an interesting role playing game. Bumping uglies for just the fun of it, can be lots of fun.

Immoral Matriarch said...

ewwwwwwwwwww. It started with Vagina bucket. And then wringing out a penile cloth.

I'm picturing a elephant size vagina gaping open, and someone indian burning a penis.

Ewwwwwww.

Penelope said...

Randy is excellent! lesser men have squandered their chances and pleaded a head ache. Well done for standing proud! (Or something...I should rephrase?...)

Lea said...

You sure come up with some good phrases! I hope this is the one and you can start working on other types of descriptive words. You MUST be getting close to running out! No? :)

Rikki said...

Just like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play!

Here till the end...

Rikki


p.s. Happy Thanksgiving...wait...nevermind...you're in Europe right? Well then...um...have a nice day. :)

James Austin said...

Way to take one for the team, X!

Maggie, Dammit said...

God you have a lot of sex.

*sigh*

Quickroute said...

Humping more than a porn star and still complaining *sigh*

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hopeful and randy is always a good place to be. :D

Karen MEG said...

"Pubic polka"? Randy is good.

You never know. And good for you for having all that energy!

You'll need that and more once you two are parents! Get it while you can, seriously :)

womb for improvement said...

I'm impressed you still have the capability to feel randy rather than, its got to be done, I'm not having any fun either but we have a schedule to maintain.

Its all good.

Jayne said...

Beautifully written ;)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

How the hell do you come up with all of these vivid terms for your wife's vay-jay-jay and doing the horizontal mambo? Do you think of them during the act of copulation? Cause that's just nasty.

RRP said...

Should you find yourself in need of something to be thankful for, be thankful that ET's cycle is not a bazillion days long, thus giving you lots of times to try.

(This from the girl that just got a positive opk on cd 40. Seriously.)

amy said...

Yeah, hopeful and randy is a great place to be.
Can I say, in light of the 'wringing the penile cloth' paragraph, that picture... OUCH.

Rich said...

Popped by for the first time and well, that was a beautiful story! Something can be said for a vagina bucket and penile cloth which needs to be wrung out. I had a good chuckle and for that I thank you.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Claire - So very true. In it to win it indeed.

@Anja - I'd wager that's the hash.

@River - you would think!

@Joe - Take that home to mama.

@Bluestreak - Least likely? Hmmmph. we've had plenty of those.

@WiseGuy - People could do with paddling a little in it, at least?

@Murgdan - Exactly, it's not like we've been right upto now.

@frogpondsrock - Spoken like a true Aussie.

@Kelley - You are easily impressed.

@Tanya - yes m'am.

@Putz - maybe I should have a talk with the union!

@Ms. Moon - Very poetic. Nice.

@Jane G - You've destroyed my innocent memories of going to the Gaeltacht.

@Sarah - Oh it's fun, trust me.

@Russ - I am not! I've three or four fathers....

@nh - my thoughts exactly.

@Elaine - you and me both.

@Jenni - There aren't enough titles comparing female genitalia with household objects.

@Tara R. - Yee haw!

@Immoral Matriarch - Someone Indian?

@Penelope - well, if you saw the state of it you wouldnt use the word 'proud'.

@Lea - You mean ones that don't make you ill?

@Rikki - But you can beat up the first person you see celebrating and steal from them!

@James Austin - I'm a true martyr...

@Maggie, Dammit - God you have a lot of children ;0)

@Quickroute - No complaints good sir, none at all.

@Jo Beaufoix - very true.

@Karen MEG - energy? God no, I can't make a fist!

@womb for improvement - I'm genuinely surprised at how few of those moments we've had. touch wood.

@Jayne - brought a tear to your eye?

@Angie - Grapes, grapes stimulate the imagination.

@RRP - I'm thankful I can still lift my head!

@amy - Think of me next time you mop the floor...

@Rich - Beautiful is an unusal word to hear around here, but cheers, and welcome!

UrbanVox said...

that is more information than I bargained for!
lol!

Tismee2 said...

It's taken me this long to come out from behind the cushion after seeing that cloth!

My toes are curling......

is this a chipolata and alley gag?

WhatAboutNovember said...

How funny! My husband and I are the SAME WAY... but for totally different reasons. He's glad for the excuse, and I'm a little neurotic about not wanting to miss out. :) haha. Well, cheers to "Santa baby" for both of us. :)

Arjun said...

"Hopeful and randy isn't a bad place to be at all."

This has to be on a Hallmark card.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

Your euphemisms kill me! Swim Forrest Swim!

Momo Fali said...

Keep up the hard work!

AnnD said...

I am totally supportive of that. Every other day you need to be doing the deed. Whether you both want to or not. Keep a constant supply of the baby batter in that area at all times!

kittyconcerto.com said...

Hopeful and randy sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Much better than sourpuss and celibate.

bsouth said...

I'd say hopeful and randy is a great place to be. Keep it up. Oh, you are.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Urban Vox - You might just need to get used to that around here.

@Tismee2 - Chipolata? At least a sausage woman...give me some credit.

@WhatAboutNovember - that sounds like a win-win to me!

@Arjun - It's patent pending along with a host of other rubbish!

@Fear & Parenting in LAs Vegas - Euphamisms were the cause of 17 deaths the US alone in 2006.

@Momo Fali - If I must...;0)

@AnnD - If the doctor says it! so it must be...

@Kittyconcerto - Sound like our old parish priest, except the celibate bit.

@Bsouth - Ba-dum-dum-tish!

Angel said...

"Vagina bucket"... what a title. I don't know how you come up with some of this stuff, but I'm so glad you do!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angel - Yeah, I have no idea where I got bucket from...

B said...

I was just thinking, you must get the strangest google searches; "vagina bucket"?

some back to the future porn searches here I reckon.

and a constant source of sick ET searches.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - You know what, not so many 'vagina' ones, but I have had a SERIOUSLY scary number of 'Wife/whore' combined searches hit a post just a couple of weeks old.

It's in the top three for the last month along with the 'about me' and my blogroll.

Gypsy said...

You could be the world's leading provider of squelching euphemisms.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

"We have a .0001% chance of it working"
"ah, try it anyway."

Well if that isn't romance, I don't know what is.

Fate's Granddaughter said...

I really thought I was beyond being grossed out...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Gypsy - I'm currently 3rd behind two prostitute Siamese twins with tourettes

@Big Momma Pimpalishisness - I try ;0)

@Fate's Granddaughter - Always a new lower level around here

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