Friday, 30 January 2009

North or South

I've never been any good at directions, not instinctively anyway. The performance of my milky mini mes does go quite some way to confirming this.

I do read a mean map though.

In the same way, in this trying to conceive process it's hard to figure out where you are sometimes, until you stop and gauge your distance from reference points, look for a landmark you recognise and then you can see how far you have left to go.

Now, we're in the 24th cycle. (That'll be 2 years if you tell the time by howling at the moon, the actual two calendar years is a little bit away yet.)

This current cycle is scheduled to end in the last week of February. We have an appointment with the specialist on March 11, which is bang in the middle of the following cycle. Cycle 25.

That means essentially that the start of any intervention is at least two cycles away.

We are supposed to discuss intrauterine insemination (IUI), or good old artificial insemination in old language. (I'm not sure why the name was changed, maybe too many comparisons with cows. Which I fully intend to continue, regardless.)

The specialist had mentioned that we could discuss whether we want to look at unmedicated or medicated IUI, and while I would have previously preferred to try unmedicated first for it's lesser side effects, we are sorely tempted to just go for the best chance of getting a pregnancy, which is medicated.

We'll have the 'drugged up and knocked up' special please and thank you very much.

Should the doctor conveniently forget that this is the purpose of our upcoming consultation, I will beat her to death with the nearest object, which I seem to recall would be a ceramic uterus.

Luckily for her the model of dissected male reproductive organs is up too high for me to reach, no one wants to be sent to meet their maker by half a willy.

So there we are, another full cycle before meeting the doctors, with at least two before anything can really happen.

In the meantime, it's back to waiting for the red menace to piss off out of here, the tiger thong, the ice pack, and the compass.



34 comments:

RobMonroe said...

Maybe you should literally draw a map on her...let's say belly... to help the boys find their way. If they get lost, they can refer to your map.

battynurse said...

Waiting sucks donkey balls. So sorry about yet another negative. That sucks even worse than donkey balls.

Ms. Moon said...

Remember that scene in A Clockwork Orange where our hero smashes the old lady with the huge artwork phallus?
Don't do that.

Bluestreak said...

you should make a plaster mold of your own genitalia to bring with you for weaponry purposes should the uterus present in the doctors office be missing.

Show those people what's up, Xbox. If you need help harassing medical personel via the interwebs please don't hesitate to ask.

Amber said...

I love the images of you beating the doctor with a ceramic uterus, and of 1/2 a willy. You made me laugh.

womb for improvement said...

I forgot IUI was artificial insemination. I quite like referring to IVF as test tube babies as well, I don't know why. Just to keep it old skool I guess.

Gutted you have to wait another two cycles though. I thought you'd passed the final infertility test by making it to 24 without a little x to show for it.

LaskiGal said...

Crossing fingers and hiding all ceramic reproductive organs . . . for now :)

Russ said...

(I'm not sure why the name was changed, maybe too many comparisons with cows. Which I fully intend to continue, regardless.)

I'm sure ET will really appreciate that!

Please tell me the tiger thong is for ET. If not, lie to me!

Hairy Farmer Family said...

God,'ve just given me the best laugh I've had in ages.
'No-one wants to be sent to meet their maker by half a willy...'
No indeed!

The IUI drugs are a little alarming when they hand over the bulging carrier bag - but once you get going, it's fine. The satisfaction of actually doing something extremely practical to assist conception is high enough to outweigh the hypodermic heebie-jeebies.

Christa said...

The plan is coming. Plans are good. I think we'll be in sync with all this very soon.

::lends you my hacket incase it's needed::

bsouth said...

Damn, I was going to come in with the Clockwork Orange reference. Personally, I think you should do it if she messes you around at all.

WhatAboutNovember said...

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the day counting, and it's so easy to drown when you do.

*here's a little floatie* You're up for a Christmas baby.

And yes, mark me down for one "drugged up and knocked up" cocktail if you please.

PS. SO amused by the image of beating someone to death with a ceramic uterus. If they're not good for anything else, perhaps as weapons?

Tismee2 said...

Oh strewth, I really can't think of a stupid comment. I'm on mute.

James said...

Ok, it is getting to be a long time. I can tell you that after 48cycles it happened for us, and I barely recall it all now. Time will prove you a happy man.

Joe said...

Ceramic is brittle.

Ever considered getting one made to order in concrete?

You can reuse it too.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I just got the WORST image after reading "tiger thong".

Susanica said...

First of all X Box, Damnit! As you know our little boy would not be with us except for the wonder of IUI, so I'm glad you have that option should it be necessary. Oh and we call it alternative insemination by the way. Nothing artificial about it. Keep your spirits up okay? -Monica

IrishNYC said...

If you go in mid-cycle but before the big O, maybe they'll do an unmedicated IUI that cycle? One can hope. Then on to meds next cycle. Honestly, move to meds as quickly as possible. They'll probably start with Clomid, and you can only be on it for 6 cycles (usually) before needing to move on to something else. Of course you won't need it that long, but just in case... better to get on that train sooner than later.

Veronica said...

Just think, if the ceramic uterus isn't there, you should be able to find yourself a scary looking speculum or two.

And tiger thong? Whatever happened to the leopard spots that everyone knows and loves...

Leslie Laine said...

My suggestion: go for the meds.

Tara R. said...

If need be, you could beat her with the nearest pair of Crocs, which may be on her own feet. Convenient, yes. Good luck with the road map.

B said...

was it the 24th cycle or 24th month that you said the doctors would get properly involved by?

24 was in it though.


...maybe it was just about Kiefer?

Dto3 said...

I have this Galileon image of you and E.T. with the Farmer's Almanac mapping out the moon cycles. Every 28 days, make out like rabbits, whether you want to or not. Sorry you continue to be disappointed. Life sucks!

jothemama said...

Being beaten to death with a ceramic uterus would certainly be a fitting death, for a minion of the system system that's playing slow and lose with your reproductive fates, alright.

Tanya said...

*SIGH*

Angel said...

Death by ceramic uterus. Priceless. Although that headline would be awesome, I'm praying she doesn't forget why you're there. Better yet, hopefully you'll be knocked up by then!

Mo and Will said...

The waiting stinks. to high heaven. hope the time passes quickly. and i agree with you about considering medicated. we're doing every intervention known to man and have been since the beginning of trying almost...it can still take a long time, believe you me...

hang in there.

Mo

AnnD said...

I am so disturbed by yet another negative for you guys. I hope you get the help you need after having asked for it for months and months now. Of course, maybe what will probably happen is just as you hit that infamous 24 cycle mark, just as you're about to get help...she'll suddenly end up pregnant next month. Ah, the cruel (yet merciful) irony that situation would present. I was really thinking with those temperatures that this was your month....FUCK!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@RobMonroe - Trust me, there are some part of a lady you don't wanna go near with a marker....

@battynurse - It does that. for sure.

@Ms. Moon - Would you believe I've never watched it? must do, if just for that alone.

@Bluestreak - and risk the doc pissing herself laughing at me while wiggling her pinky finger at me?

@Amber - good for something eh?

@womb for improvement - Test tube baby - yes! brilliant. When I was a kid, we used to call each other that as a slur!

@LaskiGal - Thanks.

@Russ - Okay Russ ;0)

@Hairy Farmer Family - ET might tell you she only gets half a one too, but we won't go there.

@Christa - hacket?

@bsouth - Inciting violence, not cool...

@WhatAboutNovember - A floatie? goodness...

@Tismee2 - Oh come on, I bet you can...

@James - I can tell you know, we wont be going after 48, one way or another.

@Joe - as a doorstop?

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - YOU just got the worst image.... heh...

@Susanica - well by definition, it's quite artificial! will try.

@IrishNYC - If my calculations are right it's almost bang in the middle, probably too close to be sure.

@Veronica - You want the same old thong wiggled in YOUR face for 2 years?

@Leslie Laine - if we get the choice!

@Tara R. - Thanks.

@B - Ahhhhh! the million dollar question young man. No one really knows. Either way, we'll be kicking off 'something' n March.

@Dto3 - she wont appreciate you calling her a galleon!

@jothemama - a bit like judge judy there jo, Judge Jo!

@Tanya - Yes... quite.

@Angel - I have this vision of the doc brining her into her office, surrounded by sample cups and turkey basters "now, what can i do for you guys?"

@Mo and Will - You've certainly had it rough, best of luck.

@AnnD - Temps are still great! so that's screwed too.

Deb said...

Go medicated. That's how The Ambassador came about. Although I should warn you that even medicated, it took us three cycles.

Quickroute said...

don't you have a GPS - (genitalia positioning system)?

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

LOL at the GPS comment .

I am always lurking because everyone has said it before me only wittier (?) and they make me PMSL ...

Seriously , I am truly sorry you have to wait another two cycles.I would go medicated if it was me.

You will soon be runnign out of places to hide the bodies NR.

All jokes aside ... did you hear the joke about the two cows chatting in the paddock ...

Daisy - I was artifically inseminated this morning

Dolly - I don't believe you

Daisy - it's true ... No bull ?


Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her,
"The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cowstoday. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Christa said...

Sigh, what a douche I am. The brain and fingers were arguing that day apparently... Hatchet!!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Deb - fingers in ears ...lalalalalala

@Quickroute - groan...

@Trish - Oh dear me....

@Christa - forgiven, this time...