Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Side effects

Good Girl!’ I yelped with an audible smile on my face.

My tone was a little too celebratory to be excused.

It wouldn’t have needed excusing if it had been the baby who had burped and not ET. Just another example of the side-effects of having a 3 and a half week old lodger.

The professing of congratulations when another adult breaks wind is something that often happens in our house now, especially around relay dinner time. Relay dinner is when both our meals are prepared and waiting to be eaten, but only one of us can eat at any given moment while the other pacifies El Mango.

4 bites washed down with a drink before the baby baton is passed and the other person gets the chance to scoff as much of their cold dinner as possible before the whole thing comes full circle once again. The relay is considered a success should the child actually shut up at any stage during the meal or someone manages to finish their food before the appearance of mould, it’s considered a failure when you actively contemplate selling all but one of your dining room chairs.

Unfortunately, the madness of Mango’s mangled mammy and daddy’s world is not confined to the shaky four walls of our little home. I’ve had more than one strange look from colleagues during this last week as a result of ‘baby speak’.

Asking people questions with psychopathically wide eyes, a perpetually nodding head, in a voice that makes them wonder if I’ve had a testicle removed and my jaw broken does not help get things done.

‘Does this mean the pwoject will be a widdle bit late? It does, doesn’t it. It does, so it does. Yes it does. Yes it does. Awww.’

Jiggling a one hundred kilo Dutchman’s cheeks while you ask them will just get your arse kicked.

27 comments:

Russ said...

Just think, you'll be looking back on this very fondly in a few years! Assuming you don't jiggle a 100 kilo Dutchman's cheeks too often.

Chrissy said...

Wait till u and your wife won't have to cut up their food at a restaurant, and the kids won't even be w/you... btw my friend's baby who had colic, was so sensitive to sound that he couldn't even turn a newspaper page w/out it crying...
I remember the relay dinners or when I would meet hubby at the door and hand her off and yes it was unfair, i should of waited 10 min. so he could prepare himself...I know bad mommy, lol....now i can laugh, in 10 yrs. u can too... wait 20....oops.

Bonnie B. said...

I remember you writing about those 6 little words you waited a lifetime to be able to say: "I'm going to be a dad."

You are. You certainly are.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

You asked for it. And that wee Dutchman obliged.

tomi said...

DH does that to Momo too when she has a burp and it can be quite amusing sometimes. :)

The relay part at meal times isn't so amusing ;)

Ms. Moon said...

Mr. Moon and I did not eat a meal together for two years when our Lily was a baby. I have a friend who says that there is a button on the butts of parents which is activated when they sit down to eat and which, upon activation, alerts the baby to cry.
I think she's on to something.

Karen said...

Just wait until you tell your wife that you need to go make a "doodie".

rachelbk said...

Ah, the joys of the colic baby. I survived my daughter's by sheer will alone. With my son I was more proactive, and found out at around 4 weeks that he had acid reflux, which was easily treated and offered our entire family much relief...

Edith said...

We had diner together today!!!!
He was actually sleeping!

Normally we try to put him in his rocking chair when we eat, not that it really helps...

Sadia said...

Ah, parenthood.

I am deeply grateful for having had colic-free babies. Halve the number of parents (stupid war), double the number of infants, and you have, "How the !$@# did I survive that?"

AnnB said...

My mother told me a great one when I was deranged at 3 wks with my first little miracle. On one of the very rare occasions she was at a work do with my dad, who was a civil servant, she witnessed a mother of 6 babble like someone just released from 6 months in solitary! The whole table just stared open mouthed at her as she deftly chopped all the meat and 3 veg on the dish of the diner to her left. It was only as she whirled mid sentence to start on the plate on her right that she realised she had just reduced her husband's boss' meal into bite size chunks! In 70s Ireland there were very few around that table who could see the funny side! So you've a long long way to fall yet! Take heart!

Sarah said...

Gah! You baby talk?! * gag *

areyoukiddingme said...

Next, you'll be bringing the topic of poo into every conversation.

Veronica said...

Have you gone to work with baby puke on your shoulder yet? That's always a crowning acheivement.

Don't juggle cheeks. Just, don't.

Veronica said...

Juggle? Hmmm, well that would be bad too. Not sure you could effictively catch a 100kg Dutchman.

nutsinmay said...

And once, a high-powered business-man in a suit and tie and everything, in a taxi en-route to a fancy charity ball, turned to his colleagues and shouted happily: 'Look! Look! A big RED fire-engine!'

I'm sure the endless wailing is... trying. Nevertheless, I envy you heartily, you lucky, lucky man. Except the lack of sleep. You can keep the lack of sleep.

River said...

Put Mango in sling snuggled close to your chest, or ET's chest, then both of you sit down to eat. And leave the Dutchman's cheeks alone. Unless you LIKE having your arse kicked.....

Jo said...

I once said 'oopsie bump!' to my friend while giving her a lift. and our children were not in the car...

Also, I didn't get to eat hot food forabout nine months, and I'm still conditioned to bolt it down before someone demands something of me.

Sigh.

Fe said...

"relay dinner"?? Just wait til you're trying to have "relay sex". Oh yes. It's a sixth sense babies have.

Mwahhhhahahahah

Hockeymandad said...

Just make sure you get bodily noises from the Mango on video. You'll need them later for bribery against dating.

Anonymous said...

I remember relay dinners - we didn't have a colicky baby either!

River speaks sense re a sling, not a baby carrier like a baby bjorn, google the Moby wrap or Close baby carrier.

It will pass, I've just about forgotten the relay eating - my girl is 9 months tomorrow and now we all eat at the table together!

Claire

livingrightnow said...

lol lol lol

I remember this well...

actually, 9 months later we are still doing it!

More photos of El Mango please?

-Tanya

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Russ - I've no doubt!

@Chrissy - yeah 10 minutes would be a nice grace period!

@Bonnie B. - indeed ;-)

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - So did you.

@tomi - all part of the game!

@Ms. Moon - she's picked it up fast then!

@Karen - I'm going to kick the doodie out of someone

@rachelbk - I have to check what I wrote now! I never said she has colic, in fact I said she doesn't!
Am I going nuts?
;-)

@Edith - show off...

@Sadia - one is enough.

@AnnB - brilliant!

@Sarah - have you a widdle pwoblem wid that?

@areyoukiddingme - that word irritates me!

@Veronica - both my shoulder have a constant stain of some sort.

@nutsinmay - I wouldn't swap it, I know how lucky we've been.

@River - it has its merits!

@Jo - excellent, can see that happening.

@Fe - I'm not sure you understand the word relay ;-)

@Hockeymandad - hers or mine?

@Claire - yeah we got one free from the insurance company, might be an idea

@livingrightnow - all in time!

mammydiaries said...

Beware a few years down the road when your brain has been eroded completely from broken sleep asnd you can only talk to other parents of small children because speaking to anyone without them makes you paranoid...

Putz said...

maybe you did ask for all this, nevertheless, you are in pain my son, and no one should have to endure>>>>what am i saying?????????>>>>i endured for 13 years of child bearing, yes just me, i don't think my wife was that involved

James (SeattleDad) said...

You should be good. Aren't all 100 kilo Dutchmen just big teddy bears inside after all?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@mammydiaries - aaaaaaaahahaha paranoia, yeah I need me some of that in the mix.

@Putz - you understand the pain Putz!

@James (SeattleDad) - Pussy Cats even!