So I can blame you

The internet is full of odd ideas and schemes, money making creativity, folk swapping houses for small countries, and nut-jobs selling their virginity on eBay.

Unfortunately I think my virginity is just about spoken for, but I have come up with the bones of an idea that may be beneficial for all of us.

When I say all of us, I mean more specifically, me.

How would YOU like to take part in an experiment, the creation of a miracle, the spreading of virtual baby dust, the confirmation of my steep slide into insanity.

It is CD15. Prime time. Ovfest 23. It's now or never.

It may have occurred to some that I'm not particularly good at this impregnation thing. In fact I'm probably the anti-impregnator. You should pay me to go out with your teenage daughters.

Anyway, here's where you come in.

Tonight, gather your wind chimes, and candles, collect your incense, and voodoo dolls. Then I want, nay, need you to get down on your carpet burned knees and focus.

Imagine good and hard, pun intended. Picture Spencer hurtling along his journey. Imagine him darting towards the light, then leaving the soft enticing velvety warmth behind him, breaking from the group and making for the cervix.

Hold your breath as he pauses, and waits, timing his leap at the entrance to coincide with it's pulsating contractions, of course initiated by my sending of it's host into a realm of unimaginable pleasure. Teamwork.

Stop laughing.

As he shoots through the gap, picture him discarding his whip and hat, and throwing himself at the fallopian waterslide, his freshly waxed torso streamlined and cutting though the resistance, riding the go-goo wave like some miniscule fishy smelling surfer.

Don't stop there, hold your focus folks, and picture it. Picture the whites of his eyes as he spots his target, roar out loud if you must, help him summon up his last burst of energy and throw himself eggwards.

Rub your temples in circular motion and breathe 'Uuuuuhmmmms' as you visualise him clutching on with all his might. His seminal fingernails digging into eggy mass, his man milk molars biting down and not letting go. She will toss and turn, fight and scream, kick and flail about, but do not let him let her go.

In your mind's eye see them, sink slowly into one.

That's all you have to do, all night. A bit of focus and positively channelled thinking, I'll even do the shagging.

Just think, you could be part of the greatest internet experiment of all times. You can turn useless impregnation man into a swaggering embryo generating machine.

You can play your part in making my words powerful, my thrust potent, and my wife preggers.

CD15. The time, is now.