Anyone got a cigarette?

As this is a family show I won't be going into details, but suffice it to say that the impending insanity from earlier is no longer a threat on the horizon.

If you live in Western Europe, I apologise if I woke you.

Wounds and scars have healed and I've been saved from the fate of slowly turning into a smurf from the scrotum outwards.

Incidentally, in searching for a picture of one, I've noticed how odd they are.

There is only one female among them.

The male ones have no nipples, so I conclude that Smurfette doesn't have them either.

The guys all go around bare chested, and wear quite tight trousers with ne'er a glimpse of a bulge, or roll, or smuggled banana.

All in all, it's shockingly bad situation to be in, reproductively speaking.

Today is CD27, the red menace should be making an appearance, today or tomorrow, Wednesday at the very latest. She's never bloody around when you want her.

Our 'Fertility Friend' chart shows us a possible ovulation back on CD17 based on OPK result and very slight temperature rise, even though it was higher two days previously.

It's all irrelevant anyway, as to be pregnant this cycle we are missing many vital ingredients.

A stable, a donkey, and three wise men for starters.

Notes from a post surgical desert

Bed - 7:02am

Dear Ellie,

We've left several messages, could you please get back to us as soon as is possible.
Please note that you have previously been warned that you are supposed to inform us if you are going to be away for any extended period.

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Train to work - 8:58am

Dear Reproductive Organs,

Hang in there guys.

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My desk - 11:14am

Dear Blog Conscience,

It's come to my attention that the recent enforced suspension of trying to conceive activity on our part makes it somewhat difficult to write anything worthwhile for a trying to conceive blog.

"Never stopped you before" you say? - bite me.

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Staring out the window - 1:09pm

Dear Red Menace,

Due to unforeseen circumstances this month, we would like to request your attendance at your earliest convenience.
Your arrival and subsequent departure would be met with gratitude and greatly appreciated

No, it's not a trick.

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Basement level gents bathroom - 3:42pm

Dear Spencer,

Don't go towards the light.

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Bus home - 5:31pm

Dear Texter,

I can read the message you are typing, you really should be more discreet.

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Bus home - 5:32pm

Dear Text Recipient,

Change the sheets, you're going to score.

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Bus home - 5:33pm

Dear Texter's Husband,

Your son's skin colour is probably not a throwback, she's not working late, and you may have an STD.

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Couch - 7:19pm

Dear ET,

You look positively ravishing in that torn tracksuit pants and top with fresh lasagna stains.

Care to...?

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Bathroom - 9:01pm

Dear Right Hand,

Don't you dare.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Bed - 11:20pm

Dear Erectus Nonclimaxicus, Greek god of enforced abstinence,

Help me.

A cold day in ET

Heat.

It's missing.

Not in me mind you, I'm all hyped up on heat. Unfortunately ET's occasional 'Oooh' and 'Ahhh' means that I don't get to 'Oooh' and 'Ahhh' at the moment.

Being the sensitive chap that I am, I'm relaxed about it, I can wait. I wait for her to nod off to sleep before rubbing off her.

I digress, that's not the heat I'm talking about, the heat that's missing is in ET.

We've been charting temperature for months now, and the rule of thumb is that the day after ovulation you get a spike in basal body temperature.

Now, the surgery was on CD14, she tested positive with an OPK on CD15. So we should be all set for ovulation by CD16 - Thursday and a temperature spike on Friday, yes?

No.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday - Nada. Absolutemente nada! (I envisage body temperature as being Spanish speaking).

So I ask all you incense burning, placenta munching, earth mothers out there, where in the name of all that is uteral is our temperature spike gone?

Swallowed by the surgery? destroyed by dye? escaped out an incision?

Has this conception effort taken on a life of it's own and started making conscious resource deployment decisions of it's own accord?

-'They're not shagging this month, no need to spike!'

Answers on a tampon box please.

Someone else that is a tad low in the body temperature stakes is the dead woman I had to walk around on the way to work Friday. Shot in the head so she was.
Normally this would be seen as a bad thing, but in the charming centre of vice and crime where my office is located, it has it's benefits.

With all those extra crime scene investigators, police, and TV reporters buzzing around the place, our friendly neighbourhood prostitutes were expecting a bumper weekend of business.

Their windows, plastic bedding, and crotches all got an extra wipe of a damp cloth in anticipation.

While I am squeezing the last drops of irrelevance out of the wet rag that is our non shagging days into this empty bucket of a post, I might as well mention that last night I experienced a 'first'.

I almost put my foot into a hedgehog.