Wednesday 4 June 2008

...and exhale

I can breathe again.

The cycle didn't end today, I'm resigned to the fact it will sooner rather than later, but if it doesn't end within the next 9 minutes (regardless of blogger's dodgy timestamp) as I write this then I'm relatively happy.

So, credit where it's due, fate gave me a break, and allowed me not to associate today with that.

Today was the 4th June, 2008.

Today was 20 years to the day that my mother died.

Nothing special was said or done today, I've never asked for it I suppose.

I was never sentimental about it very much, but I miss her, or at least 'the idea' of her, now more than ever.

10 years old is too young for a parent and child to be parted by a parent's death.

I don't think I ever realised I was missing anything as I was growing up, but when I think of her, I know she would have missed being there. That make me feel a bit guilty for not reciprocating.

I wonder how different would things be if she were here, how different would I be?

I think we would be friends.

What would she make of all of this madness?

She'd probably chase me around the kitchen with a tea towel as her weapon of choice, but after her initial faked shock and horror, I think she'd laugh.


She was fond of cheekines, the 'rogue' type, not the 'will you buy me beer mister?' type.

She'd laugh and shake until she'd start to cough, she always did thanks to the twenty a day habit.

Twenty a day that cost twenty years.


Anonymous said...

Cute picture.

Hugs and know I am thinking of you.
Thanking fate today, as well, that you were spared the double whammy.

Dirty Laundry Diva said...

Smoking will get ya! My mom isn't convinced of this yet. Glad you were able to exhale a bit.

Keep us posted on the cycle okay?

Putz said...

how irish was she? i lost my mom in 1980 when i was 35, my dad never had a mom that he knew , she was insane for 45 years after a very painful pregnacy{ they inserted a hot iron rod up her to get rid of the placenta and it drove her insane}on my mother's side was a drunk grandma that also died before i was born...i tell you this because you are blessed to have this day of reprieve...i hope, have faith, and spit on a nickle for you god bless

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Ten years of memories is not enough. Neither is 42.

Beautiful post, man. Beautiful.

Jason Roth said...

Losing a parent at 10 had to be tough. I can't even imagine it.

Taking a moment for an exhale is great...hopefully things will be turning your way soon.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely heartbreaking. I'm sending happy thoughts (Please keep in mind they have to cross the Atlantic. So if they're a little worse for the wear, you'll understand.)

BTW, you were a cute wee bugger, weren't you?

Mr Lady said...


Anonymous said...

It all makes sense now.

My mother died when I was 11 months old. After my first child was born, I too breathed a sigh of relief as he passed the age I was when she died. Irrational? Perhaps. But I was haunted . . .

Here's to June 5th.


Petite G. said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Just knowing that I am celebrating on the day you are mourning makes me feel guilty.

I just can't help but want things to turn for you both. I know that we have just "met" but I have to say, I feel like I've known you for some time. I think our stories make us familiar.

I emailed you yesterday. I really do have some ideas for you but I don't want to post it all publicly.

Take care of yourself and your wife.

Unknown said...

So I'm having the WORST day ever. Just came off a 2 hour crying marathon, I hate everything and everybody, bite me type deal.

I pack the girls up. I'm going to buy them dinner and me cigarettes. Forget this quitting nonsense. I'm not ready, Baby Daddy and I aren't getting along, he's already smoking again, blah, blah, blah.

The twins are in the stroller and I check my email one last time. I check my reader. I open this up and read it. Fuck.

So now I'm back. I shoved my face with french fries, a hot fudge sundae and a Coke, but I'm cigarette free and calm.

Did that just happen? That JUST happened.

I'm glad things worked out for you today.

Anonymous said...


MarĂ­a said...

Wow. :(

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to breathe in again.

Missing the idea of her. Yeah. I get that. I feel that about my unknown grandparents and siblings.

Anonymous said...

What a lovely post. Lovely.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

This post brought a tear to my eye. Thinking of you today.

Anonymous said...

No wonder you were holding your breath. I can tell by your words that you miss her even now, but I like the way you choose to remember her. You remember her spunk and laughter. We all hope we can leave that behind, I think.

And that is what you'll pass along to your children... wait and see.

Tara R. said...

You were a cute kid. Nicely done on this post.

Stacy said...

aww a baby xbox

Laski said...

Wow. My heart . . .

Anonymous said...

I get the thing about missing the idea of a parent, not having seen my dad since I was 8 and only spasmodically before then. I never missed him, just what my idea of a fatherly presence was.

Hang in there :)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I had no idea you had sentimentality in you.

I'm not sure what to say about that.

Anonymous said...

Nice photo and I'm sure you have great memories - shame the ol' twenty a day did so many people in

Our Crooked Tree said...

Well done. As my mom currenlty goes through treatment for lung cancer I too try to focus on the good.

Anonymous said...

you were such a cute kid. I'm sure your mom is looking down and is with you in spirit. And your right, it's just never enough.

Mrs. Kitty (apparently a dominatrix) ;)

Victoria said...

I'm coming up on 10 years for my dad (well next year, but it still feels huge).

Wow. 10 is WAY too young to lose a parent. I'm so sorry.

I hope you can feel her around you when you need her.

Anonymous said...

Lovely post (and picture). And since you asked, for some reason he calls his sperm Adam Jr., which to be honest disturbs me. Because seriously the term 'Junior' is so archaic. Oh, and everyone else is leaving you messages about giving you hugs. But I'm not a hugger. So I am sending you mental hand shakes.

PG said...

great post man. 10 years is insanely too short. not sure 10z10x10 would be enough. Moms are special.

Jill said...

What a heartfelt, beautifully written post. The tone of your e-mail brought a tear to my eye...

Wishing you a day of good memories, great sex during your cycle, and special bonds with those who are with your on this somber anniversary.

Dondi Tiples said...

Wow. Your Mom died on June 4, the same day Woog came out six years ago. It just makes me sad that you don't have her around to share this with. She would have understood.

Who knows, she's up there nodding her head in commiseration.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

Glad the cycle didn't go bust on an already sad day.
Yes a very cute pic xbox - you ?.

Thinking of you ... smoking has ended a lot of lives prematurely.

I am sure your Mother's absence is palpable and the hole she left is still enormous more so now as an adult.
@ 10 yrs old - it's incredibly unfair. I was in my 30's and it wasn't enough.

Darren said...

Beautiful post!

Anonymous said...

you bastard.

You made me cry.

Cause it is all about me of course...

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

A beautiful post, thanks for sharing that with us.

Anonymous said...

I will hate June 4th for you in solidarity.

AnnD said...

I won't tell you I know how you feel and anything I say seems to lame and unimportant right now. I do, however, feel safe in speaking for her and saying that she HAS to be so proud of you and the man you've become. Honest, open, loyal, loving and a brilliant writer to boot. I'm sending e-hugs your way.

AnnD said...

Oh yeah...just wanted to add...what a cute kid you were!!! A total doll!

dawn224 said...

I'm at the beginning of month 3. Sigh. I get the exhale. My dad died in the same time frame as both my grandpas - I loathe Easter now.

Lyssa said...

When you have that baby of your own, you'll understand even more about your mother. This whole thing would have brought tears (of joy) to her eyes what her baby boy has written. She would be so proud... and I'm sure she'd have some sage words of advice.

Miss Awesome said...

A. If you're kid is anywhere near as cute as you were, I'm gonna have to work very hard not to go out and buy a plane ticket just so I can go over there and pinch his little cheeks.

B. I think the only thing worse than a parent dying too young is the child dying. That thought, that fear, sends me to tears every time.

Anonymous said...

Losing a parent at any age is never easy. I'm sorry to hear you were just 10 when she left. Do you think maybe you may have pissed her off during your teenage years and that's why Spencer is not doing his job? Did you ever smoke? Maybe...

Jenni said...

Wow, you were stinkin cute! No wonder you want to procreate!

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mom at such a young age. I can assure you, no mom ever wants to leave their child, partcularly when they are so young.

DD said...

I can't help but hope that the sad anniversary date of the loss of your mother (far, far too soon) is tempered a bit by good news for you and Mrs. Xbox.

Martin said...

@Tiff - Thank you.

@Dirty Laundy Dive - It will. I have a sister on 40 a day. Go figure.

@Putz - Very Irish, so she was. Thank you sir, very kind.

@Ed - I couldn't help but think of your situation as I wrote it.
Never enough years I guess, ever.

@Roth Family Adventures - You know, kids are tough, it did't shake me much at the time to be honest.
Cheers Jason.

@Prayingtodarwin - I found a few battered happy thoughs in the post this morning, must have been yours.
I was wasn't I? what the fuck happened since.

@Mr Lady - Whoah...

@Tysdaddy - As irriational as it seems, these days and dates do stay on your mind, and I can certainly appreciate you'd be worried until you passed the 'magic' age.
Thanks sir.

@Jillian - No need for any guilt, if we all stopped to feel sorry for someone, the world would blow up!
Thanks you very much, I will follow up on your mail. Thanks.

@Huckdoll - Here's to a life of healthy lungs and obesity!

@Marie - Aww. Thank you.

@Immorah Matriarch - Wow what? ;0)

@Bettina - Yeah, the idea, you can't really miss someone you barely knew, you miss the idea, I think.

@Nola - Thank you.

@Hilary - That's just those raging hormones woman!

@Angel - I hope so. Thanks, appreciated.

@Tara R - Wasn't I just ;0)

@SNowmanpoop - a gameboy, if you like!

@Laski - That'll be the fried egg sandwich....

@Suze - Exactly, you got it in one.

@A whole lot of nothing - I don't, for the most part, just some days will always stay a bit special.
I gues that's one way to shut you up.

@Quickroute - Any idea who the cartoon pony was? yeah, you know yourself, smoking back home was a national past-time in the 80's.

@Our Crooked Tree - Always, always stay positive. Sorry if this was in any way uncomfortable for you. Incidentally, she passed from a stroke, heart dsease.

@Kittyconcerto - Indeed, never enough. Thank you!

@VDog - I can't say I do. I don't think back very often, mostly days like this. It is too young, but there's worse out there too.
Thanks very much, it's appreciated.

@Shamelessly Sassy - Don't tell anyone, I'm not a hugger either, kind of freaks me out! I'll take your handshake and offer you a pat on the back in return!

@PG - Indeed they are. Thank you.

@Jill - Thanks for the well wishes, they are appreciated.

@Dondi Tiples - I think birthdays are more worthy occasions!
I think she'd be shaking it in disbelief at some of the rubbish I come out with!

@Baby~amore - It's me indeed, would be a bit weird to post some strange kid, the intention was to find one of the two of us, but I realised, there are none!
Thank you very much.

@Darren - Mr Otter!, welcome. Thank you, I appreciate that.

@Kelley - well you're too far me to stab in the neck so it'll have to do.

@Veronica - did you say 'Jugs'?

@Dan - Aww, thank you sir.

@Carolyn - I don't really hate it, just have to observe it I guess. Such is life!

@AnnD - I honestly appeciate all that you've just said. Thank you.

@Dawn224 - Sorry to hear that. Good luck to you!

@Lyssa - I think she'd split my head open to read what I've written!
She would be proud regardless, that kind of woman. Thank you dear.

@Big Momma Pimplishness - People did a lot of cheek pinching actually!
As for your second comment, it scares the living shit out of me.

@wpat - I think the notion of a dead mother putting a hex on her son's sperm is just a little too greek tradgedy even for Freud!
Never smoked (much)!

@Jenni - I can imagine. Thanks very much!

@DD - Thanks for the well wishes, but it hasn't unfortunately, that's a later entry!

Kori said...

I would think any age is terrible to lose a parent (unless, of course, you have MY parents, in which case, you know, no great loss), but you made it through. Here's to-hoping? Praying? Something different for you guys this month, anyway.

Joeprah said...

XBox, I will drink a cold one on your behalf tonight. Here's to those we love now and forever. Your pal, Joe

Christi said...

I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I imagine you would have been good friends. I'm glad I learned early enough to kick it.

I am impressed with the Quick Draw McGraw clothing line you're sporting. Fashionable at such a young age...

Anonymous said...

Hoping that your sad day is followed by a happy one.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Acccchhhhhhh, man. Oof.

Beautiful post.

BusyDad said...

I have nothing insightful to add. I just thought it was a really nice post.

Karen MEG said...

A sad anniversary for you; 10 is way too young I agree.

Hugs to you, especially as I see what a cute little bugger you were as a kid. But even if you weren't so cute, the hugs would still be coming your way...

Anonymous said...

re"Any idea who the cartoon pony was?"

Damn Christi got in before me - horse after my own name - Quickdraw McGraw!

justmylife said...

Beautiful post, I am going to call my mom now and tell her I love her!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you were able to have yesterday. Keeping my fingers crossed for this cycle.

I know exactly what you mean about missing the idea of a parent.

Lee said...

Sorry for your loss, even 20 years later.

I lost my Dad 17 years ago last month, but was fortunate to have him until I was 19. Still miss him, and like you I wonder what he'd think of my decisions and where I am in my life. I think he'd approve.

Damn smoking! Glad I never picked up the habit, and even more glad that my wife quit shortly after we met.

keeping fingers crossed for you.

sltbee69 said...

Such a lovely post. I'm glad the cycle stayed away on that day. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that it stays away for another 10 months.

Anonymous said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry...I can't imagine losing a parent so YOUNG. I lost my Daddy at 25 and I was a blubbering, crazy mess (six years later, still AM some days!). Adults can't even deal with that kind of loss sometimes!

I hope your day goes smoothly. take care, April

Corey~living and loving said...

Can I just say WOW? what a day to come on over and "meet" you. I am touched by your words. You are a wonderful writer, and your transparancy moves me.

Thinking of you!

B said...

a wet tea-towel? cos they hurt a lot more than you'd think.

well since you said how guilt in neccesary and all, you should feel some form of comfort for feeling the guilt! if that makes sense.

Nick Jackson said...

Some deep thoughts in that post. My mum is a very long plane ride away (so can't chase me around the kitchen!), but I couldn't imagine not being able to call any time and have her there to listen. Please keep sharing.

Don Mills Diva said...

How is it that I just found this blog? You're a fantastic writer - sorry to have to leave my first comment on such a tough day for you...

Anonymous said...

Boxboy, I should say something nice, but damn...

You were funny lookin'


All I could think of was my 10 year old son, and I welled up.

I'm sorry for your loss as such a young age and that she isn't there, right there, though she is there always, there in your heart.

Liz said...

Not just dentists and trying to conceive. Yet another parallel. My mum died when I was 15 and I often wish I could have her perspective.

Martin said...

@Kori - No good age indeed. Thanks.

@Joeprah - I don't think you need many excuses for cold ones really?

@Christi - THANK YOU, quick draw mgraw!..I'm off to you tube now...

@Fiona - Feet up woman!

@Maggie, Dammit - was that an, er, vomit?

@BusyDad - Cheers, sir.

@KarenMEG - Thank yo very much.

@Quickroute - Too slow on the draw!

@justmylife - Awwww.

@bsouth - Thank you.

@Lee - It's a killer, it is. Thanks.

@sltbee69 - Me too, but no such luck.

@April - Thank you, very kind.

@Coery~living and loving - wow, thanks for your kind words. you're very welcome.

@B - I THINK it does, cheers lol

@Nick Jackson - Deep, whoah dude... Thanks.

@Don Mills Diva - YOU must have been hanging out with the upper classes ;-)
very welcome, thanks.

@Anja - should see me now...

@secret agent mama - Thank you, nice.

@Womb for improvement - FUnny eh? coincidences all oer. I actually think 15 is a worse age, more vunerable.

Momo Fali said...

UGH. Heavy, heavy heart here. I'm so sorry for your loss.

My Mom quit smoking for 10 years, then started again. I feel like smacking her sometimes. She watched her own sister die from lung cancer, and still the smoking has a hold on her.

I will forever remember your Mom on my birthday.

Anonymous said...

Hey dude, time I left a comment on YOUR blog I reckon!

I often wonder what my own mother would make of our struggle and what her reaction would have been to the great news we just had or to the landmark moments of my life since she died in June 2000..

My granny (second mother!) died this day in 2004 too. What is it about June!?

Great blog by the way.

Martin said...

@Momo Fali - most certainly do not, a birthday is worth celebrating.
Thank you.

@Leon - There does seem to be a high proportion of 'June' landmark days, relative to other months for some reason.

Especially in your case, it would be interesting to see their take on the procedures etc, which just didn't exist in their day.

and, thanks very much!

Anonymous said...

Bit late on the comment here, but add me to your list of 'total strangers who care about you'. I miss my Mum too for the same reason.

You know, you and ET are taking some knocks, this can only make you stronger and wiser.

Martin said...

@Tismee2 - Thank you, it is difficult at times.

I dunno about wiser so much, but stronger yes, perhaps!

Jo Beaufoix said...

I can't imagine losing my mum and that age or any. You turned out good though.

Martin said...

@Jo - Whether I turned out ok is a matter for debate!

Anonymous said...

@Xbox - yep I'm reading this preggers book at the minute and apparently right now is the best time in the history of mankind to be either infertile or pregnant, lots of advances in science..!

Martin said...

@Leon - absolutely, if this were 20 years ago we'd be leaving it all to 'God's will'.

Anonymous said...

I've been wondering if I have the courage to post about my own parents' deaths when I was 13 months old and how that affects me watching my first daughter, almost like a mirror of myself, as I see what my parents must have seen in their all too short time with me. Your post gave me courage. I'm sorry for your loss. Your words have so obviously touched all your readers.

Martin said...

@Monique - I've never once thought of any of thi sin relation to anyone else other than myself to be honest.
When people say it makes them think about stuff etc I find it very strange.
I can well imagine that you now,with the new baba, would be thinking about your own folks.
I hope you do write about it, I can assure you it's quite theraputic, if nothing else.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your loss. Can so relate to the pain of losing a parent.

This morning in our newspaper there was a review of the new Coldplay (yeah, I know!!. It's not like I actually listened to the thing!) album due out next week. One particular line from a song the journo quoted has stuck in my mind, so I'd like to share it with you. Goes something like this:

"The dead aren't really dead, they're living in my head".

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post. (Nuff said.)

Martin said...

@Irish Diaspora - I'm still chuckling at your email after this.
I guess you had to be there ;0)

@Half past kissin' Time - wow, thanks very much, I appreciate that.

Horse Chick said...

10 is way too young to lose your Mom! I lost my Dad when I was 39 and then Mom at 46 and I feel like an orphan to this day, although I do have siblings!! My comfort is my parents are always with me now, and I "talk" to them all the time now. The bummer is they see everything I do!!!!
p.s. I hope ya'll had a great cycle and this time you hit the "mother lode". LOL

Martin said...

@Horse Chick - It's too young indeed.
Unfortunately the cycle didn't work out but it's onwards and upwards as they say.