No, it's not some weird over-sexed climaxing problem, rather its another 'no one ever told me that' moment.
Once you start trying to conceive, you can never really stop, until the process ends one way or another.
The old analogies are still the best, this is one hell of a merry-go-round.
Even when you want to stop obsessing, if you know you need to stop for the sake of both of your wits, you just can't.
Here we are, on our 14th spin, and we are as certain as we can be that we either need a big slice of luck, or some medical help, whatever form that may take.
Yet, still, here we are in the final days of the cycle again wondering, again hoping, again allowing the flutters of anticipation to creep up from our guts, even though we all but know what the outcome will be before the week ends.
It's yet another thing slipping from my grasp.
Every step in this trying to conceive process seems to result in me losing control of yet another aspect I used to command.
Almost as strange, all I can feel about it is indifference, a resignation to the fact that I have no control in what the outcome will be. Sure, I can force certain paths, but the outcome, the end result, is 100% out of my hands.
I can no longer even 'opt out', this cycle has been the worst by far, lack of energy, unhelpful people, and frustration at the biggest disappointment yet, and I still can not bring myself to just stop.
There is no chord to pull, no emergency brake, no way to step off this ride.
So around we have to go again, like it or not, past the frustration, past the disappointment, past the sadness, and worst of all - past the hope.
I used to hope by choice, and now I hope by force.