Thursday 10 July 2008

The best laid plans

I'm not nuts, honestly (am I?), I'm not going to swing from the apple tree (it wouldn't hold me anyway), and I'm not spiraling down into a psychopathic depression, bound by restraints woven from the finest threads of jealousy, bitterness and despair (nylon is far superior, and less expensive).

I am in a funny old mood though, I really want distractions, until I get them.

If I stop and try to take some sort of stock of where we are now, all that comes to mind is disbelief.

This stuff only happens other people doesn't it? some other poor bastards that your mother and her housewife friends used to talk about in hushed voices in the back kitchen.

How the hell did we end up here, worse off than when we started?

We are older, more worn, more frustrated, and ever so weary from these past 15 cycles.

We know that what we are doing, most likely, is futile.

We know that the help we thought we could rely on if we needed it, will only be forthcoming at someone else’s discretion.

We know that we have to go through 9 more cycles, of finding and losing hope over and over again, eroding our patience, resilience and confidence, before we can even begin what we believe is necessary.

Will this break one of us?

Will this break both of us?

Will this break us?

I am afraid that going through this will damage us, damage the way we look at things. Before, creating a real family was the ultimate goal.

Now it feels like a line on a stick is the big prize, which it shouldn’t be.

We are becoming more selfish, colder, bitter, and cynical. How can that be good for anyone, prospective parents and the prospective children thereof, alike?

By the time we get lucky, will there be anything left of the people we were when we started out?

-will we get lucky?

This is not how it’s supposed to be, ET is a lovely woman, warm, generous and protective. I’m a decent enough guy too, even if I do say so myself, reasonably fun, capable, and intelligent enough, to manage a child at least.

We don't deserve to be the subject of that whispered conversation in someone's kitchen.

"Those poor bastards"

We really don't.


Anonymous said...

NO you don't. They should be talking about you in the front parlour! The back kitchen is for discussing week old stew and soiled underpants.

I hope we don't find you have turned into some kind of 'Gollum' in the near future.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I could have written this entry myself if I was smart. :) Know that you aren't the only unlucky bastard this is happening too. My husband is feeling that too. As do I.

Life is rotten sometimes.

Much luck to you and ET.

~Christa in The Valencia~

DD said...

What is truly unfair is that you are put under restrictions you cannot change because of where you reside. It's not as if you each have plans for your future that conflict with the other.

I wish I had the magic to make the next several months disappear. I'm sure any of us would, and maybe that's of little comfort.

No, you don't deserve it. Neither does your wife. I wouldn't care how many kittens you flamed over a's not fair.

Rachel said...

I wish that I had something wonderful and supportive to say, or at least something witty.
But, I don't.

your honesty inspires and your pain is shared by all those who admire and follow your journey.

I pray for you and ET daily.

Kori said...

Fair? No. It isn't fair. none of this is fair, and you aren't going crazy. You are both under an encredible amount of pressure, and are also being told now that you have to wait that much longer, and I think it is SO easy to lose sight of who "you" are when under this kind of stress. I don't have any answers-I never do. And I can't even offer and kind of useful distraction. All I can tell you is that I am genuinely sorry, and the offer to be a surrogate stands. :)

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog the other day. Boy, can I relate! My husband and I have been TTC for **5.5 years!!!** It truely and completely SUCKS!! That really is not fair that they're making you wait another 9 cycles to help you out. Grrr! That makes me mad/sad for you!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it really does suck. Going through this might make you stronger, but it can also isolate you... from your friends who have kids, from your spouse who struggles with it differently from you, or from all the well-meaning idiots who tell you to "just relax".

Honestly I can't believe they make you wait 24 cycles. Here in the states, during MY time with it (18-19 years ago) the wait was 12 months not 24. I was lucky that what ended up being the problem was easily solved: a mycoplasma infection. Many of my friends never figured out the problem. But not even being allowed to try to figure it out really sucks.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

Can I suggest 3 months off - No cycle watching, standing on your head, thermometers. Time to regroup, relax and then refocus. You can still do the business but make it fun not a task that needs doing.

Anonymous said...

Nope, you don't deserve it at all.

Anonymous said...

Anything I say just isn't gonna help - I'll probably just put my jocko foot in my gob, so I'll just leave ya with some ((hugs)).

Anonymous said...

Oh Xbox, neither of you deserve it at all. Your post broke my heart. I feel so bad for you both.
Is there any kid of support for couples in your situation? Some help you guys can get so you don't feel quite so alone?
meanwhile? Take care of you both - you're obviously good people.

SAHW said...

I've been reading you for a little while...and wow can I relate (though I'm the wife :). 1.5 years later, I feel like we've become so focused on the goal of getting pregnant, I can't even think beyond that anymore. I don't even think of having kids, I just thinking about getting pregnant. IF can really mess with your head. Someone else suggested taking a few months off - you'll still be trying, but you can try without charting and obsessing so much, perhaps it may help. Best of luck to you both.

Anonymous said...

I will say it not in a hushed conversation, but to your (virtual) face: this fucking both sucks and blows, you poor bastards. You already seem to realize how important it is to make sure you and ET get out of this intact, so maybe you're not such a poor bastard after all.

Anonymous said...

Losing who "you" are is the worst part of it. and it is so not fair. I wish it were easier, and I wish so many of us didn't have to try so hard to get what others just have. All I can say is hang in there, we are in your and ET's corner, many of us on a ride of our own.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, brother. I am one of those people you have come to detest. Just by reading this post, I am probably knocked up.

I do know that I have watched two friends go through this. They are both healthy, normal couples, and just cannot conceive.

They both lived in the place you are for a long time. And they both came out of it when they finally got their children. Like, immediately. They were ghosts of the people we knew, and they bounced right back.

And being the friend, I can assure you that no one was whispering in the shadows. We were all there, all the time, going through it with them. Every failure was like the loss of a child, and that just eats your brain, dude. It can't be helped.

One couple adopted, one eventually conceived twins. Both paths were gruelingly difficult in their own rights, and both ended up as fairy tales.

My point is that I am not whispering in a kitchen somewhere. I understand, as much as one can, and I've got your back, brother.

Not that that will help any, just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

no you don't deserve this but I'm sure you'll both find a way to manage, to cope. Sometimes the hard and desperate things do change us, do break something in us, but they leave us with something too. A knowledge of whats important. It doesn't have to detract from who you are.


Anonymous said...

Sadly, this seems to happen too often to those who least deserve it, and it's goddamn not fair. In some ways I'm glad we can't even try, at least for now, but even that sucks, too, just a different brand of suck. I wish I had sunshine and hope to share, but right now I just feel the unfair-ed-ness right along with you.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

GAH - why do you go and get all human with feelings and then make me have feelings. And maybe a *tear*.

Anonymous said...

No, you don't deserve it. Trying over and over sucks big, hairy goat balls. It's that simple. It will damage you. It will damage her. It will damage the two of you. But you'll heal. It's clear from the things you write that you know the real priorities in life. That will give you what you need to heal in the long run. In the meantime, be pissed and cynical. You should know I'm pissed and cynical on your behalf.

Anonymous said...

You're heart is in the right place just thinking about how this is affecting the two of you. You need to be strong as a couple first and foremost. Children need that...wherever they may eventually come from and by whatever means.

BusyDad said...

You don't need me to tell you nothing. So I won't. Just know that we're all in the back of the kitchen making signs and painting our faces. You have a cheering section, buddy. A motherfarkin cheering section.

Anonymous said...

HELL NO you don't! You, my man, need a release. Photocopy a picture of that oxygen thief that is your Doctor, get a heavy bag and a pair of gloves, tape the picture to the bag and go to town.

Quickroute may be on to something: my sister and BIL had problems as well. They tried for a long time to have kids and were unsuccessful. They talked to the "experts" and did what they were told for 9 months with nothing gained except bitterness and frustration (sound familiar?). They finally said screw it and took a long weekend to let off some steam. They didn't think about it once. That's when the miracle happened. They conceived on that trip. I know you all had a similar trip already, but maybe you need another one? It certainly can't make things worse. Try on it your terms for awhile instead of theirs.

Anonymous said...

Can you get a second opinion and just tell them you've been trying for 2 years? Like I've said before, I know the waiting game, and it's awful. Chin up. I won't say keep your pecker up...

Dondi Tiples said...

Have you considered trying other say IVF? It's still going to come from the both of you, come to think of it. Don't you guys go destroying yourselves over this. Even if I am enjoying this blog all too much.

Anonymous said...

God, at the risk of sounding all psycho babble....

I don't think for one minute you guys are becoming cold and cynical etc. I think you are angry. And that's ok.

You have tried long and hard (oo er) and not got the child to add to your family that you are longing for.

Yes, this does change you. Who said change is bad ?

Easy for me to say now that I am on the other side.

Anonymous said...

No, you don't.

Anonymous said...

None of us deserve to be the subject of these conversations, but that's life unfortunately. If it's any consolation, at least you have more time on your side than us. If I don't get pregnant in the next two cycles, I won't be having my a baby before my 40th birthday, and we are still ttc our first. DH is 42. Time is running out fast for us, and I never thought I would be in this position.

It just sucks.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

It won't break you guys because you are in the know.
You can do this.
I hope the light at the end of the tunnel starts shining bright for you guys to lead you on.

Martin said...

@Gail - No worries there, m'dear. Thanks.

@Christa in the Valencia - There's nothing smart about it, it's just thoughts.
I'm sorry to hear that ye are experiencing similar. If you think there's anyway I can help, just let me know.
Good luck to you, and thanks.

@DD - Seems I got the tone wrong (again!), I wasn't having a moan about the delay etc, but more on the difference between how we thought things would work out and how they have.
Thanks very much.

@Rachel - That was pretty wonderful in the end!

@Kori - Very kind, as always.

@Megan - Oh my, 5.5 years? I must sound like an awful whinger to you.
The very best of luck to you, after that long you deserve a lot more.

@Lara - Another Newie! Isolation does occur, but it's self inflicted I think.
We prefer to stay home a lot rather than have to go and be smiley somewhere.
Incidentally the 'wait' IS 12 months everywhere on the planet, but they wont act any further until 24 here on unexplained IF.

@Quickroute - You can suggest it, as long as you can run fast.
Or not so fast, cuz I'm slow.
This isn't what this was meant to be about actually, more the difference between our initial expectations and reality.

@Veronica - Say more stuff like that!

@Marylin - A hug from a jocko usually results in me missing a wallet you know... (thanks)

@Suze - I can't speak for ET, but THIS is support for me, it is very satisfying to write this stuff down, and it becomes more and more the case.
For the rest, I think we just try to look after each other. Not a lot more you can do.

@SAHW - ANOTHER Newie! all shiney ;0) Thats EXACTLY what I'm talking about. The expectations have changed so much from day 1.
Welcome, and thanks.

@Prayingtodarwin - Just, thanks ;0)

@Meghan - I'm very aware now of others in similar situations, and I often feel very conscious that I sound very selfish.
I hope you can relate somehow. Best of luck to you, thanks.

@Mr Lady - I don't detest those who conceive easily at all, by no means. News of it always gives a twinge, but in the end it's good news.
Saying that your friends managed to bounce back after being shadows of their former selves is exactly what I wanted to hear.
I detest being 'down', it's not in my nature. Thank you, very much.

@Bettina - Nicely put, I hope so.

@Maggiesmind - I can safely say no one deserves it!Thanks.

@A whole lot of nothing - you're just tired and emotional, or hormonal.

@Deb - I Do hope so. Thank you.

@Monique - I'm glad the heart is in the right place, I don't have many organs functioning properly anymore!
Thank you.

@BusyDad - I loves me some californian get up n'go.

@NukeDad - Thing is, being focussed on it IS our terms, we don't know any other way.
We can't suddenly 'stop' knowing what day of the month it is etc.
Although, stress free does sound nice.
Thanks man.

@Siobhan - This WAS the 2nd opinion, unfortunately. It's just how it goes here.
But my point was more on how we've changed and will change rather than a moan.

@Dondi Tiples - All that relies on the clinic and hospital, if they won't examine, we can't more forward for ANY treatment.

@Widdle Shamrock - You said 'hard' hee hee. True, change is godd, I suppose, but I hope it's for the best.

@Tracey - Correct! 10 points.

@Jane G - Sorry, I don't mean to sound whingey.
I KNOW 100% that there are far too many couples worse off than us.
But you really hit the nail on the head there, You never expected this, it was NEVER supposed to be this way.
There, I relate totally.
The very very best of luck to you.

@Baby~amore - I know we CAN. I just hope we DO. Thanks.

Jenni said...

Xbox, I can only echo what others have already said. No, you don't deserve this at all. You can ET want a family, you want someone to share your love with, and IF is not fair. You've been together for a long time - I hope you can find strength in each other and the love that inspired you to begin TTC in the first place.

As always, hoping for the best for you two.

Anonymous said...

It is ok to be angry, frustrated and sad about what is happening to you both. But, you don't know that the next 9 cycles will be futile. This could still happen without intervention, and even if it doesn't it will at some point. You have to focus on the end goal and make sure that you get there as intact as possible, both as an individual and a couple. And when you do get pregnant, you will have months to regroup and regain some of your former selves.

Anonymous said...

Sinead is right. You can't continue on already resigned to knowing the next nine cycles are going to be futile. I know it's probably impossible to be absolutely positive at this point, just don't wave the white flag, either.

AnnD said...

I was watching Oprah the yesterday (it was about infertile couples going to India to use surrogates because it is extremely cheap there--about $12,000 I believe). Anyway, one lady said that most people are raised by their parents telling them: "You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it/work hard enough." With infertility, this isn't true. You can work and work and work and still get nowhere. Infertility has no rhyme or reason; it doesn't care how smart you are, how worthy you are of a child, how long you have wanted to be a's a cruel and merciless enemy. I know I've suggested it before, but if you aren't, please get counseling with ET to maintain your coping and communication with one another in this time sorrow and grief. I won't lie; couples do break up because of infertility and the stres and strain it can put on a marriage. Right now, my suggestion would be that you both make an effort to view infertility as enemy to be fought. Together. As a team. Make sure to see it as something outside of yourselves (as hard as that may be) that you guys can face, hand-in-hand together. Like Angel above me said, don't wave the white flag, you just never know...

Anonymous said...

I truly believed IF would break me. I thought I'd end up a bitter, cynical, sadsack crying into a bottle of wine every night. Luckily my hubby wasn't so gung-ho "We must have a child" so I only had my grief to deal with and he helped shoulder mine.

I remember then I never thought I'd make it out alive, but after 4 years we did conceive so who knows how the story would have ended if I hadn't? (you'd probably be bumping into me at a hash bar in Holland). But it did help having a strong supportive husband and the support of friends.

I don't think it ever would have broken us as a couple because there was no blame game going on. I think the caustic resentment of "it's your fault then" or maybe even "hmm, I bet its his/her fault" could erode a relationship if it isn't strong to begin with or if one person/both wants the baby more than the relationship. (thank god for IVF and donor eggs/sperm so hubby/wife don't have to sleep with Hagar/Samson).

You need to support each other, point the finger of blame elsewhere (that's easy, damn hospitals), and cry a lot together. Tragedy can bond people closer than party-times with the nappies.

I suggest you guys plan something for this summer or this year -- go someplace do something -- that you would never ever be able to do with a kid.
Hubs and I did that a lot and it was like having mini honeymoons. The sadness was still there, but we would revel in the moment trying to feel lucky we were living our life to the full as much as we could.

Now we have some great memories to look back on even though we were hurting -- at least we were hurting in some fabulous places and not in our sad little house staring at the wall.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm new to your blog, sent here by Veronica at Sleepless Nights. I've not read a lot of blogs about infertility from the guy's perspective. Consider me in.

Anonymous said...

You certainly don't deserve this at all. Work on keeping the cold and bitter at bay, you'll certainly need to be selfish (for your children) and cynical (of your children) to be parents

Tara R. said...

You don't deserve any of this. You deserve whatever help is available now, not when someone in a white lab coat and creepy Crocs says you can have it. I'll bring my pitchfork and torch, you lead the way and we'll storm the castle or lab, or wherever we need to.

nh said...

Argh - I wish I had some good advice for you, sadly although I feel your pain I can't tell you how to get through it. What I will say is that after 6 years we are stronger as a couple than I could ever have believed possible, it's us against the world - not actually but sometimes that how we feel.

All those things you are feeling - that's natural (I think). Just keep on believing and hoping, because without that it must be impossible to continue forward. Just keep talking to whoever will listen and hug each other often.

Manager Mom said...

I am again just seared by your voice and the pain you and your wife are feeling. there has got to be some karmic reward for you soon.

Anonymous said...

No, you and your lovely ET do NOT deserve this; and the restrictions that have been put on you have made your situation that much more untenable. At least we knew that our options were there when we needed them.

I always thought this would only happen to the "others" too. And I agree, it shouldn't be such a "hush" topic - so many people are affected by infertility it astounds me, once I read the stats.

Hang in there, the two of you, together. You WILL get there. It is very natural that the bitterness will affect you, but please try not to let it wreck your relationship. Remember, it all started with the two of you, and you need to focus on that again.

If I, (seriously, infertility turned me into the incredible ultimate bitch-from-hell who told her own DAD he could F-off after a particularly stressful series of injections -yeah, I'll blog about it, don't you worry!) ... could morph into a somewhat loving, less than perfect parent after the infertility years and ET most certainly will be wonderful parents. That is one less worry that should be on your plate, my friend.

(PS, yeah, still here, can't stay away just yet ;).

Anonymous said...

Uh, that doofus above was me ...sheesh!

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone does. And I don't think there's too much whispering in kitchens that goes on these days about fertility issues.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

You don't deserve it.
You won't be broken, you will just feel bent and twisted and of kilter.

Anonymous said...

So when we whisper about you in our kitchen that's not cool? Generally it's pretty flattering to you how the Mrs always compares you to me in awe of your glory.

Alyssa said...

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve it.

Anonymous said...

Dealing with fertility, god willing, will be one of the most difficult things you will deal with in your life. There is guilt, anger, frustration, worry, hope, anxiety. I too worried about the effect it would have on my marriage and too struggled for that damn line on a stick (like a W on a scorecard). But that is because you get bogged down in the details--cycle days and all the technical parts that you want to maximize to get pregnant. And it can become impersonal. It happened to me too. Partly because I didn't WANT to picture a baby, a baby that I may never have conceived. And so to keep my mind from that idea of MY baby, I focused on the details. So, see, what you are feeling is normal.

Do take the time to continue to love each other and keep the spark going. If you haven't broken yet, you will just be that much stronger later. I know now that my marriage is better for what we went through together that so few friends went through with us. It was an "Us Against the World" thing.

Do hang in. I know it is hard, but if they want to wait 9 months to treat, that means (a) they think you might do it without treatment and (b) the problem isn't one not treatable.

Sending all my best wishes for you and ET. Even with just you two, you ARE a family.

Anonymous said...

I wish you the best. We each have our journey and for whatever reason you were meant to go through this. You can ALWAYS get through it and be better for it no matter the obstacle. I'm not a christian but I always think of Job when I run into a seriously tough struggle.
You are a good writer. I'll be back.

Rikki said...


Sorry. That's all I got. A warm-fuzzy sent to you through blogging.

Hang in there.

I'm here till the end.

Anonymous said...

You absolutely don't deserve it. I wish I had words of comfort or wisdom for you. But I think there are days that comfort and wisdom be damned - the only thing that will help is a pair of little pink lines... 9 months ago... and today seems like one of those days.

James (SeattleDad) said...

You will persevere, and in time it will be just a chapter in your life that you look back on and will be amazed that you did persevere. Hopefully that chapter is over soon for you. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

You are certainly talked about. But not in that way. More like poor ET having to put up with your smart mouth.

You know how I feel. I ain't gunna say it every freaking day.

Anonymous said...

Just discovered your blog and love it. It is totally taking me back in time when my DH and I were going through the TTC gauntlet.
Your question about will it change you? Yes. Yes, it will.
It sounds like ET is a much kinder, gentler wife that I was. Nothing like a little performance anxiety when your wife calls you at work to remind you that "TONIGHT is THE NIGHT. Your genetic legacy is in peril if you don't produce a winner tonight."

Sadly, our sex life went from "Was it good for you?" to "Cover me when you're through" over the course of 3 years of TTC.

Good luck to you! I will be following your story and cheering you on!!!

Putz said...

oh, oh, i couldn't wait to blog this week, i just got back from a family reunion and i repent of ever having cher up, all, cheer up only know one word MINE........WHETHER IT IS STUFF, YOUR TIME, THEIR SPACE, ANOTHER KID STANDING WHERE THEY DON'T WANT THEM...WE WENT TO SKLINE AND I HAD KIDS PUSHING ME HITTING ME IN THE GROIN, well it wasn't pretty and did we do stuff see what we did in future weeks and a preview just now and still 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY????SO NAPPY IF IT ISN'T tooo late, go celibate

Bunchy said...

So I finally got around to visiting after seeing your name all over the place, and after reading a couple of posts, I am officially hooked and you are in my reader. Glad to "meet" you.

Martin said...

@Jenni - Thanks very much.

@Sinead - This is true, I suppose. How true it seems just depends on the day of the week really.

@Angel - Nowt's being waved, so no worries.

@AnnD - I can say that the vast majority of the time we are on the same team, very much so. With just the occasional blip.
A common enemy does that.
As always, thanks.

@Geeks In Rome - You are assuming I would frequent such an estabishment ;0)
It's nice to hear ye made it through, in that way.
That is indeed a very very good suggestion.

@Candy - Ah yes, Veronica, the wisest 19 year old on the planet!
Thanks for reading, it's appreciated.

@Bsouth - Thanks!

@Tara R - AH yes, a good old lynching, can't be beaten.

@nh - all true, just keep talking and listening. 6 years is really one hell of a journey.

@Manager Mom - Thank you, very much, very kind of you.

@Karen MEG - I'm looking forward to reading that entry!
And that is a very kind thing to say. Very nice indeed.
The stats are bordering on silly, to be honest I think.

@That Girl - Thank you (and welcome!)
(I think it still happens though, honestly)

@Tiff - Bent eh?

@Wpat - haha, she must have low standards....

@Alyssa - I agree! thanks, very much.

@Nola - Thats a nice way to look at it, we are I guess.
Thank you very much, as always.

@Matt Milliken - Thank you for the good wishes & the kind words. Welcome.

@Rikki - You'd better have a comfy chair then! thanks.

@Marie - So so so so true. All the talking in the world dosn't change the one outstanding fact.
Thank you.

@James Austin - Thank you sir.

@Kelley - She finds my fabulous hair a decent compensation for the mouth.

@Karmental - Believe me there are days we don't feel kind or gentle at all.
'Cover me when youre through' - brilliant!
Welcome, and thanks!

@Putz - You don't mean a word of it! ;0)

@Bunchy - Thank you, very kind. Hope you can enjoy some of it, despite the doom n'gloom!

Lee said...

Didn't read the comments, so forgive if I repeat.

Are you two seeing anyone for the emotional aspect of this? Not implying that you're crazy(like me), but this is a HUGE emotional burden which gets worse every cycle.

The logical thinker in me hopes that (a)it ends well, which is to say, with pregnancy/child, and (b) that you haven't built up the whole parenting thing so much that it becomes a huge mental disappointment when the fantasy/hope isn't quite what the reality brings.

And yes, you are(apparently) a good guy.

(puts the lotion on its skin)
((doesn't want the hose again))

Anonymous said...

You really, really don't. {hug}

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling for you, buddy. This is always the hardest feeling to overcome, and there's really no way to avoid it. The best we've done is fly in the face of convention and just own it. If people are going to say or whisper, I'd rather use a bullhorn before they get the chance.

Sarah said...

Nobody deserves it, and definently not you all (and not us either!). It will change us forever, but hopefully we will come out the end better, and hopefully better parents.

Mrs. Kitty said...

no you don't.

I hope that the two of you will find solace and strength within the other, and that the both of you will come out the other end stronger and better than when you first began.

Martin said...

@Lee - I know it sounds cliched, but 'this' is support.
It's a great relief to get things, particularly such as this off my chest. ET reads it, and would very quickly let me know if she disagreed with a blow to the sternum.
We are aware of the pitfalls, which is half the battle.

@Gypsy - Thank you, much appreciated.

@Matthew M.F. Miller - You know, that is absolutely right. Own it, as much as possible at least, it's hard to do for 2 reasons though. 1 - It means you are constantly reminding yourself of the problems, when it's nice to 'try' and put it to the back of your mind.
2 - It's impossible to be in charge of it, that's the killer about all this, it's totally out of your hands. You can want all you want, but all the will in the world won'y change things.
Thanks, very interesting.

@Sarah - Absolutely no one does, absolutely no one.

@Kandi - We will be fine, I'm sure of it.
Thank you.

B said...

Do youse HAVE to keep trying or is it possible to take a slight break?

and if youse had no chance they would've told you by now right.

Martin said...

@B - 'Youse' - you're confusing all the Americans, and well, everyone else.

It's onwards and upwards young man, keep trying until we drop, or it drops off.

Putz said...

i haven't been very sensitive latelty and i want you to know kids are wonderful, and nappy you should get some, and i feel the vibes of your heart and feel a lot vicariously for you

Our Crooked Tree said...

This will not break you; it will only make you stronger! I just know it. It just breaks my heart that you are going through this when there are people out there that should not being having children at all!

As for the whispering...I can't imagine anyone whispering about you without getting a serious tongue lashing!

Martin said...

@Putz - Don't feel me TOO much ;0)

@Our Crooked Tree - Well, if I find the git whispering about me, they'll certain get a mouthful!
thank you.

Rygantron said...

We don't deserve to be the subject of that whispered conversation in someone's kitchen.

You really captured something there, my friend; it looks like you can honestly see your experience from all angles, and, however much I like the way you write about it, I'm sure that putting yourself in someone else's shoes not the greatest thing in the world for you, is it? Not right now, anyway.

Christ, did this comment get away from me...

Martin said...

@Ryan Lawson - I can distinctly remember such conversations taking place in my own kitchen a long time ago between my mother and various other housewives from our road, that's where it comes from.

I have a (weird?) tendancy to become engrossed in things. Fads, phases, whatever.

In doing so I lap up as much as I can about the subject, which in this case, includes looking at it from every possible angle.

I'm sure not doing so might be better for me in an 'ignorance is bliss' type of way, but I don't see it as harmful at all.

Exploring this angle, and recording it, is another stamp in my passport that I'll look back on someday.

It's become a royal pain in the arse of a journey, but while I'm on it, I don't want any of it to pass me by.

Perversly, I enjoy marking these stages.

Now THAT is how you let a comment get away from you!