I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later. Last night it did.
I stood in the doorway as she pulled clothes from the wardrobe and threw them on the bed. I could only watch as she gathered them into a suitcase.
Packed. No more to say, ready to go.
This morning I drove her to the airport.
"I'll call you when I get there" she said.
I don't think she will.
It was inevitable I suppose, no matter what I said, or how I pleaded my case.
No matter how many times I tried to change her mind and make her see that she was better off here.
Here with me.
"It's for the best" she said.
That was it. This is it. I'm alone.
What do I do now? How do I spend my days?
Sometimes I have nothing, no answers. I guess this is where this blog comes in.
Can anyone help me now?
Can anyone tell me which pub I should go to?, which pizza place I should call?, can anyone tell me how to work the washing machine and where the key to the back door is?
It's going to be hard. Living alone.
I should be thankful she'll be back from her mother's on Monday.
I wonder will she bring back teabags?
Anyway, now where's that remote...
Oh you buggar! You almost gave me a heart attack!
Have a good weekend, and remember there is more to food than Pot Noodle ;o)
First you have to make the tea now this. Oh X, be a man my son. The only way for you to stop it happening again is for her to return to a pit strewn with beer cans and pizza boxes, unwashed clothes and an unhealthy fug. Then she'll think twice next time. Its tough love.
Arsehole. You. Are an arsehole.
Glad you guys are ok.
Do you even know how you take your tea? Or do you just drink it when she gives it to you?
Ugggggggggggggh!! You scared the crap out of me!
You don't need me to tell you how much of a bastard you are. That was mean.
Nyeh nyeh nyeh. I'm sure I don't understand what you mean at all at all. Much though I love my wife and three kids, that annual weekend when they go - without me - to rancho inlaw is a terrible time. Regression to primitive sofa-man, nut-cupping left hand and zapper-deathgripping right, is a time I look forward to with mystifyingly blank delight. And getting two days out of the same underpants is a rational decision I make to assist our fragile ecology. God made beans and toast that they might be together - in me.
Hey - idea! Like menstruating co-workers we could synchronise! You could come over and we could grunt monosyllables at reruns of Columbo! Ungh? Ungh!
Best post ever.
You need help! Seriously! Scare me like that again, and I shall have to beat you. Not in a good way.
with a drama king like you to handle, small wonder she needs to go to her mom's.
shame on you for giving us hope.
that's two days in a row you've been shamed upon. good week for introspection eh?
Nick has the best idea for sure. Live it up!
That nasty feeling you're experiencing is the cinnamon sticks and the rough end of the pineapple being stored in your very own "back of beyond" for scaring your readers like that!
Now go put the kettle on and hunt those teabags down!
whew...I was just starting to regret the comment I just made on your previous post about humping being on the horizon.
Oh. My. Gosh.
You are NOT forgiven.
Be a man and go hunt a squirrel. Or rabbit. Hedgehog? What kind of wildlife is prolific where you live, and accessible with, say, a bow and arrow?
You have quite a knack for putting us on edge, don't you?
Oh dear, no dinner AGAIN? This is just cruel. And as for no tea, well, that is really the end of it all. Next time simply cling to her leg and cry like a toddler. That should do the trick.
Ahh the inlaw trip. Just think if she comes home and the house is a wreck maybe she won't leave again....then again maybe she'll leave immediately?
Well lets hope you don't starve!
You may have crossed a line there, man. Nice!
Now if you just had that 360 we could hook up and play some games!
The wife going out of town changes greatly after kids btw! Unless she takes them with her, which rarely happens.
That wasn't funny.
I hope both your hands cramp up until she returns.
Duuuuude. For a second you had me going, and for that, you are a little bitch. Well played, sir.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! You are so pitiful!! What a way to get attention from your loyal Blog readers! We are always here for you and THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT US!! Shame on you!!!!
p.s. and I don't think you'll starve either!!
you had me nervous.
Bloody hell - you can stop being a drama queen any time now, before you give me heart failure. Of all the ups and downs you've posted, I think this one (albeit FAKE, thankfully) gave me the heebie jeebies worst of all. I think there's a lesson in that somewhere...
You fucking cock tease.
You scared me. Frick. Don't DO that.
I'll have you know: After reading your status on Facebook yesterday, I proceeded to fret about you all night, even incorporating my worry into my dreams. The minute my eyes opened this morning, I dashed for my computer - with fear and trepidation - dying to know what happened.
I am so relieved.
You are a f*cker btw ;-)
Come to Orlando for 2 days!
You almost gave this lurker (silent fan) a heart attack too..... I even told my husband to keep quiet, "I think this guy's wife just left him"...... LOL Enjoy your weekend...
You scared me there for a minute... glad to know it's only the weekend!
Do you guys do anything for yourselves? My husband would end up eating shit on a shingle if I left him alone for a weekend... which doesn't sound like a half-bad idea.
maaaaaaaaaate! Good one!
You tricky bastard! If ET ever gets it in her mind to play a trick on you by "leaving" and you cry to us about it, well, better to stock up on your own tissues. ;)
Well now! You have the place to yourself, where nobody is going to bug you when you watch cable porn and have an intimate meeting with your right hand.......er, scratch that. She'll kill you if she finds out! Stick with the bad kung fu films, for your own safety!
Thought you had me fooled, eh.. well, sorta.
Bach-ing it this weekend eh? May the homecoming be sweet!
You hoodwinking scum. Had me going "Oh man, that's so sad!" for a moment.
Free weekend alone. Awesome.
Lordy lordy! You kill me!
Dude...SO not cool...
It's party time!!!
Typical bloke - it's all about You isn't it?
Just make sure you have that place spotless - and I mean SPOTLESS by the time she gts home.
Christ on toast! You scared the crap outta me!
*You cant see it, but I am giving you the evil eye and shaking my tiny little fist at you...*
Live it up...party hard. Cause when the little one does come, that will be in short supply.
and here was me thinking...waaaaaiiiitttt... did I miss something????
Teabags... gotta go to the supermarket!!!
you idiot... xxx
I knew there was something as I read further. She wouldnt leave for no reason. Never underestimate the power of a mother/daughter chat. She will come back with a fresh state of mind. Have a fun weekend and get your own thoughts together.
From a woman's point of view, the worst I've seen when returning to the house are a few beer cans and pizza boxes and I'm glad because if the house was spotless I would be suspicious.
Oh come on, the lot of you. It's not like it wasn't obvious. Pfff.
Nice one, Nick. Do men still sit with their hands down their pants when they're together?
Do what I do: walk around naked and belch freely.
And I, for the record, knew completely that nothing was wrong. I swear.
if you were within arms reach...i'd slap you upside your head!! because, i kept saying...aloud..."oh, poor guy!" and my husband and children were looking at me curiously...
Hope you run out of underpants.
You have a mean streak in you. *Whew* Hope you survive your weekend alone.
no 'poke'r tonight?
You're a goofy dork. (And I love that about you.)
You had me scared for a minute! I hope you manage to survive the weekend without ET. Its not long to go without food and drink!
Goddamnit...you have got to stop writing like that....I don't know you and I damn near had a heart attack!
Hot water, stick teabag in hot water, drink hot tea in front of TV with remote and then add a brewski to the mix and enjoy YOUR quiet time!
I have always traveled a lot. How my loving wife manages without me is a bit of a mystery. One of the few times, she's left me alone, I kept hearing this click-clack noise and I spent most of the night trying to figure it out, almost spooked about its existence. When I finally discovered it was the mantle clock and the wall clock in the kitchen in off-beat, I felt a little ashamed of my pansiness. But, then again, I figured she'd just be home again soon - Thank God!
I think somebody all ready said it.but dammit man, you almost gave me a heart attack!!!!!!!!!!
It's only a weekend xboy. Two. Days. Sheesh.
@Penelope - Yes, pot noodle AND Heineken.
@womb for improvement - I think I saw that on Oprah...
@Tracey - Doesn't it just come like that from the bottle?
@Breigh - Gets the blood circulating doesn't it? ;0)
@amy - What did I do?
@Nick McGivney - 'nutcupping' what an absolutely perfect word.
I'm torn between nutcupping and going to the pub to watch the rugby though.
@Maxi Cane - It may very well be!
@Angel - ;0)
@joe - The only shame I have is letting you in the door...
@geeksinrome - That's the intention!
@Jayne - now, now, violence solves nothing!
@Bluestreak - I was watching the comments come in from you and chuckling at the last one.
@WhatAboutNovember - what could I get here with a bow and arrow? a pork chop.
@IrishNYC - Just telling the story!
@Vacant Uterus - been there...
@Chaos - THAT is a plan...
@Ed (zoesdad) - that's the line Ive been looking for a year and a half!
@Russ - SOMEDAY, I'm going to get off my ass and arrange that!
@DD - hee hee hee hee....
@Captain Steve - Muchos Gracias
@Horse Chick - I was just telling you what happened!
@Cindy (and Brian) - I sure will!
@Claire - not sure what that lesson is though!
@Christa - How eloquently phrased!
@Zoeyjane - "Frick" - how very 'Fargo' !
@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - Must say, I laughed at the thought of you reading.
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - get me a ticket and I'll certainly get down with mickey
@Making Babies - THIS is what it takes to smoke you out! Welcome, and thanks.
@Jill - 'shit on a shingle' Hmmm, toasted?
@PG - Hee hee hee I did laugh.
@Erika - I did consider the possible fallout, and any future 'boy who cried wolf' scenario...
@kittyconcerto.com - For shame kitty, for shame!
@Karen MEG - I'm counting down the hours!
@Arjun - "Hoodwinking" eh? I feel like I'm in an Enid Blyton book.
Awesome indeed, and welcome.
@Mama Smurf - Come on... it was a little cool...
@iVegasFamily - Hic...it SO is...
@Missives From Suburbia - ;0)
@Tismee2 - Mother, is that you?
@Sarah - "Christ on toast" is that a toasted bagel? because that would just be wrong...
@James Austin - I'll make the most of it.
@UrbanVox - I'm looking forward to the good Irish teabags as much as anything, to be honest.
@frogpondsrock - ;0) hee hee hee
@Tanya - It was a long planned visit. Nothing sinister at all.
SO I can trash the place?
@jothemama - They do in parts of Amsterdam...
@Dorky Dad - Oh I bet you did... *cough*
@melissa - hahahahahahaha. aaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha.
@Kelley - Not likely to happen if I sit in the same pair for 3 days...
@Tara R. - Mean? Moi?
@Quickroute - There are always downsides...
@Mrs4444 - I always think of that disney dog...
@M+B - Beer counts. Made from crops n'stuff you know!
@hotmamamia - Just curious, do you think I'm 85?
(almost time for your trip isn't it?)
@Dto3 - Brilliant. The house dopes sound a bit funny. She always has the TV on, which drowns out the creaks and moans around the place.
I was noticing a few sounds I wasn't so sure of myself!
@Chhandita - It's GOOD for you, gets the blood pumping!
@River - absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!
No Dear, just toast. I'm trying to watch my carbs. =P
I knew there would be a twist at the end of that post, X! :)
Have a good weekend.
Ooooo is "Pot Noodle" English English for "Ramen Noodle" in American English? You and Womb for Improvement are my teachers.
Since it wasn't too long ago that Ed pulled this stunt and given your style I knew ET wasn't leaving you for more than a short while, and I am high on "special cough syrup that contains codeine" ;) You made me croakle (croaking + giggling), hope you survive!
Nah, Ramen noodles taste nice, I think. Pot noodle is a plastic cup, filled with small bits of freeze dried and coloured cardboard, styrofoam and MSG. You pour in boiling water and chew it, gagging.
Ummm, hmmm. Trying to figure out how to say this without sounding stalkerish, followed you from Huckdoll's blog and man, this is some funny shit. I realize it is a serious situation, this trying to conceive, but wow, glad to see a man who admits to being a man.
I'll be back, but not in that creepy Arnold type way.
It's not nice to mess with people, Smurf Nuts. Not nice at all.
Is she bringing back Barry's Tea. My mum and two Aunts visited me when I lived in the US and brought their own teabags with them as they were SURE that the quality would not be the same as their beloved Barry's.
It got worse when they brought them with them to restaurants and went on a rant to the waiting staff explaining that they wanted BOILING water, not just hot water from the tap. I thought twice about every bringing them to a place that I frequented regularly again!
Gees Louise, you had me going there for a minute! Norty! Don't do that again.
You asshole! Are you trying to put me in labor or something? Wait, are you? Because if you are, then thanks.
@Sarah - You should switch to a low fat deity.
@Leslie Laine - Thanks, you too!
@The microbiologist - I haven't a clue what ramen noodles are so I can't say!
@jothemama - You're making me hungry.
@Ashley - Stalkers are people too!
Glad you enjoyed, and welcome!
@Prayingtodarwin - Who's messing?
@Sinead - Oh it'll be Lyons, Barry's is lovely but Lyons is heaven.
Saturday mornings haven't been the same since we ran out.
@Tiff - Yes'm
@Jenni - I'm here to serve.
Blimey Xbox, how will you cope, hee hee. And do the teabags make it all worth it.
And go go go for cycle 21.
Well, if you won't go the cinnamon and pineapple route at least have the kettle filled, scones made, cream whipped and fresh strawberry jam ready for the Goddess of your life :P
Don't see why everyone is so relieved, this quite a serious situation you're in.
What if you run out of tea?
@Jo Beaufoix - A proper cup of tea cures all Jo, you shoudl know that.
@Jayne - Served up to her by a team of flying pigs no doubt....
@sinfulorigamipaper - Precisely! it's already happened, I've got 3 weekends now with pissy Dutch tea.
(Welcome btw and your blog template is excellent)
i thought our little backdoor adventure was supposed to be a closely guarded secret?
Did she bring you some tayto crisps along with the teabags?
And after making her the scones and tea when she returns, make sure you put the loo seat down for at least a week.
Scones and tea. You colonial English animals.
Winston Churchill was an asshole.
So, how was the weekend?
@Xbox Why thank you, I thought it a bit too depressing initially but its fits me so I'm growing to like it.
Pissy tea eh?
@Joe - Shut up or I'll beat you sensible.
And I don't have that time to spare.
@Jane G - NO! We used to bring them all the time but it got silly eventually, we'd tear through the packs on the first day.
@Widdle Shamrock - I've superglued it up.
@Arjun - I.AM.NOT.ENGLISH.
@sinfulorigamipaper - Not at all, it does have a 'thoughtful' feel to it, reflective, pensive maybe.
And if you got sick of it just changing the header image would totally change the feel of it.
Two jumbo boxes of Lyons have pride of place again.
I couldn't help myself...I had to give you an award...a pass it forward thing....come on by for a visit to see.
ET will come home and you will be passed out on the couch the faint smell of beer on you, chocolate ice cream smeared across your face the house will be a wreck.
You men are all the same ;)
@hotmamamia - Thank you, very much.
@Arjun - Third time lucky.
@Snowmampoop - As are you women...
don't worry, she's back a good while now!
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