With Christmas fast approaching, I'm sure you are all frantically worrying about what to get that special 1 in 6 buggered childless couple among your friends and family.
What does one get for the infertile in their life who has it all?
If you are observant, you'll have noticed a lack of advertising targeted at the knackered egg and disorientated semen owning community.
With an eye on the gap in the market, I can't believe that merciless entrepreneurs haven't pounced upon the desperation and misery. There's money to be made in tattered testicles and crippled cervices you know.
There are plenty of companies with whom you can arrange the 'day of a lifetime' - flying a helicopter, swimming with dolphins, becoming an extra on a day-time soap opera etc.
What we need is a company who don't offer you these expensive days out, but do offer you all the evidence that you've been and done it.
http://www.sorrywecantmakeit.com/ could be especially aimed at couples who really can't face another friend's christening, birthday party, or baby shower and who just need to stay home and sulk.
Of course, just turning down the invitation would be rude and insensitive, so being able to say that you already have arrangements to drive a formula one racing car that day, and will have photographic evidence on Monday to prove it, is a good solution.
Painting the illusion that you both still actually live a life is also great for all those who prefer to stay in denial.
Infertility fashion has been largely ignored too. I know I'd be quite chuffed to wear the 'We Relaxed..' t-shirt range, with '...and it still didn't happen' on the back.
For the deeply disturbed infertile in your life there is the 'spit up' label, which is a range of designer office wear for him and her with fake baby spit and vomit on the shoulders. Never again do we need to feel that our tidiness and fashion awareness should make us feel inferior in the workplace.
Movie makers need to get their act together and put together box sets in time for Christmas. What childless festive season isn't complete without an all day 'Children of men', 'Baby mama', and 'The hand that rocks the cradle' movie marathon?
Speaking of Christmas misery, what could be a better gift than the 2 CD set of baby and child noises?
Just like some people like to listen to sounds of the Amazon or whales burping, playing a cd of baby gurgling and laughing noises is a sure fire way to mask the silence of a pitter-patterless Christmas morning.
When it all becomes too much to handle and you realise you are borderline certifiably insane, you can put on the 2nd cd which is filled with screaming, and crying, and yelling, and the sound of Tonka trucks being smashed on sibling’s toes. That’ll bring you to your senses.
Remember though folks, infertility is not just for Christmas!
Dominos Pizza could launch their 'Failure Friday Special' especially for couples who don't manage to get knocked up in a month. This consists of a large pizza of your choice and 7 bottles of dreadful wine, all for just 9.99.
A further 50% discount can be claimed at delivery upon presenting a sample of undesired fresh menstrual blood.
It would reduce the number of pizza delivery guys getting robbed at least.
Not to be seen to be only cashing in on the infertile misery, they might also promote a new range of pizzas to aid the hungry TTCing couple.
The 'Getcha Freak On' pizza to help encourage copulation when the will, or willie, is failing.
One topping. Oysters. 4 inches deep.
The 'Super Swimmer Special' is bound to be a hit. It's an egg white base, topped with 6 quartered limes for vitamin C, fish eyes for vitamin E, sliced baby carrots for beta carotene, and a generous sprinkling of crushed zinc.
For a few extra cents you can upgrade either of these to the 'No Family Feast' and get a shot of mucous thinning cough syrup for her, and a triple shot of espresso for him.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go finish my proposal for an infertility version of 'The Apprentice'.
"Hump with Trump".