Monday, 22 December 2008

Romance isn't dead, it has the flu

It's been quite the interesting weekend.

Not so much interesting in the 'oh how unusual, delightful, or interesting that is' kind of way, but more in the 'sweet lord is that meant to happen?' kind of way.

If a child proves to have been conceived in this cycle, I may just offer it, or myself, to a passing circus.

We had a slight dilemma. I drifted into a man cold induced hallucinogenic coma while ET drifted into a state of ripeness.

She was ready for plucking, I was fit for burial.

There was no option, no choice, no way we were going to miss the window of opportunity this month. So even in my demented state, I decreed to put my wife to the sword.

Ladies, you haven't known true pleasure until you've been clambered upon by a fever laden sweaty man, wheezing upon every thrust of passion.

You haven't been caressed in every way that a woman should, until you've felt the tickle and trickle from a runny nose on the nape of your neck.

Never before have you heard a true groan of pleasure until you've heard your man collapse beside you grasping his own aching flu ridden hips.

Don't be fooled into thinking that the physical and mental delights were not just gifted to my good wife this weekend, I too experienced wondrous moments.

Gentlemen, never will you experience such a boost to your manhood, such an indication of your prowess, such an ego lift and sign of encouragement, as when at the moment you finally deliver your 'finest', you hear the words "oh thank God".

Only three, or four, or five days to go....


54 comments:

Joe said...

That "oh thank God" moment? I've had it. There was a girl. There was me. And there was the alleyway.

Just my luck that the police officer chanced to walk by that alleyway on that fateful night. Odd how he refused to believe it was consensual.

Never a simpler illustration of "caught with your pants down" will ever be found again.

Claire said...

Wow. ET is a lucky, lucky girl.

bsouth said...

I would feel sorry for you if I weren't laughing so hard right now.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Heh heh, no I still feel more sorry for ET. Could be something to do with my husband having man flu right now too. They sent him home from work today. They don't want him near them. There is NO way he is getting near me either.

Ms. Moon said...

You are a writer.

DiaperPin Up Girl said...

Wow... and I thought my husband was a machine with his ability to finish with the kids pounding on our bedroom door. I am impressed.

Chaos said...

Wow, she's a lucky woman!

Putz said...

i was going to laugh, but been there done that....i still think it is harder to do it for a NURSE with a purse in a hearse for a curse as a first

Jane G said...

You have filled my head with far too many unwanted mental images there.

We had to attempt conception this month with me stuffed (in every sense!) with a cold. So John was the one who had the pleasure of kissing a spouse with a nose like a wet seal. Nice.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'm sure you hear 'o, thank God' every time you're done, so that's not new.

UrbanVox said...

lucky you!!!
I would be happy if I got any in the immediate future! :P

Susanica said...

Hmmm...? Perhaps in light of your near death condition due to your man cold she could have clambered upon you instead? But what they heck would I know about such things? ;-) -M

Bonnie B. said...

You DO conjure up a pretty picture, Xbox. And getting those images out of my head will be my foremost task today.

Mombi said...

Frickin' hilarious!

womb for improvement said...

Little bit of sick in my mouth.

I hope this time it works so she doesn't have to go through that again in a hurry.

Tara R. said...

I should never read anything over here whilst at work. People came running to see what threw me into such hysterics. I hope you are over your man cold very, very soon.

Tismee2 said...

Oh dear, oh dear. What you are putting yourself through in the name of parenthood.

"tell me Daddy, when you and Mummy made me was it very romantic?"

'proper' romantic!

Kori said...

ripe for the plucking, eh? So, does the whole snot on the nape of the neck mean you were doing it doggy style? Trying to get a mental image but then, eeeeew, never mind, I don't want THAt in my head.

Kim said...

Been there done that but having you put such words to the germ laden deed and the imagery that followed had me laughing 'till I cried.

jothemama said...

She'll get her revenge. When she's nine months and two weeks pregnant, and feels like a pissed of whale, and just needs some progesterone on her cervix, to get things started, even though it's the LAST thing she's in the mood for.

Though, if memory serves correctly, you'll BOTH be thinking thank god, after that.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

I certainly hope she doesn't catch what you've got!

Oh the sacrifices we make. Way to take one for the team!

James Austin said...

Oh, the stories you will be able to tell...

Anja said...

You dreadful little man. Why didn't you just lie there and let ET ride the miniature pony? Dripping snot all over the poor woman, ick.

'Tis bad enough that she has to contend with midget sex, now you ooze your disease onto her. Egads, poor woman deserves a medal.

E.Z. said...

Sex is like pizza. Even when it's cold, it's pretty good.

Veronica said...

AHAHAHAHAHA!

You know why I laugh? Because we have been there, done that.

Paint it Black said...

Ummm sounds a bit familiar..I've been there....a little like my 'bad shag' post. I feel for ET.

X are you getting desperate and stealing my post ideas in your delusional man flu state?

nutsinmay said...

H wanted to know what I was laughing at. I read him this post. H has now locked himself in the study in case I ask him to perform similar feats of endurance (if, preferably, sans snot). Thanks for that.

Mo and Will said...

Oh! Sorry you feel so badly. But even in sickness, you are HILARIOUS! Thank you for making me smile - I needed that today.

Mo

Sarah said...

oh. my.

Nick McGivney said...

You're just an endless secretion machine, aren't you! Happy Christmas, Drippy!

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

yeah snotty nose that's a turn on... ewwww

Tanya said...

YUCK!!! I pictured the whole thing. Been there, done that but with a sprained knee. Every 10 seconds 'Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!'

Your sexy snotty experience will add to the interesting 'how we conceived' story.

Mrs4444 said...

We conceived our daughter when my husband was suffering greatly with a bout of eboli contracted on a business trip to south america. I kept telling him, "I'll do all the work; I promise!" And I did, but he likes to joke that he demonstrated the ultimate control (and did not shit on the bed!) We joked about naming the child NiCOLAI. (her name is Kendall) :) GOOD LUCK!!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I shall now think of you throughout the day and laugh. A lot!

You may have just made my Holidays.

Kelley said...

This made me laugh. A freaking LOT. Which is pretty damn impressive.

I hope you handed her a towel afterward. To wipe the snot off her face...

amy said...

Mills and Boon, eat your heart out.

S said...

Just discovered your blog, it's great to read about fertility issues from a guy's point of view.

Good luck in 2009.

Zoeyjane said...

This was exactly the imagery I needed to not mourn my lack of sex life for at least a few days. Thank you.

{I hope you feel better}

River said...

Sorry about your flu and all, but I just had to laugh through this. Reminded me of the times my f hubby would come home drunk and filled with "manliness", swaggering around the bedroom, bumping into everything, finally collapsing on to the bed, managing to grope a boob or two then mercifully, (for me anyway,) passing out.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Joe - Such a wonderfully creepy comment.

@Claire - You know, she doesn't always agree, go figure...

@bsouth - heartless.

@Jo Beaufoix - Wifely duty Jo!

@Ms. Moon - And you, are a reader! (Thank you)

@DiaperPin Up Girl - Impressed eh? bless you.
and er..."welcome" ;-)

@Chaos - tell her that!

@Putz - You are a poet, but you don't know it!

@Jane G - Memories....!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - your poor poor husband...

@UrbanVox - Immediate as in, next 20 minutes?

@Susanica - 1 word...Gravity! Gotta give Spencer a fighing chance, it's 'uphill' enough as it is!

@Bonnie B. - Good luck with that...!

@Mombi - glag you enjoyed, and welcome...

@womb for improvement - Just every night for the best part of another week...

@Tara R. - God, don't go getting fired or anything...

@Tismee2 - we'll have noe of that 'romance' pithle around here!

@Kori - 'trickle'....

@Kim - All too familiar eh?

@jothemama - I must say i doubt very much I'd be the one she'd come to to get anything near her cervix.
track record and all that!

@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas - I'm awaiting my medal.

@James Austin - stories/nightmares, same difference!

@Anja - Gravity woman, gravity.

@E.Z. - I'm not sure about the fishy bits though...

@Veronica - universal.

@Paint it Black - Yes, I'm justing copying the whole sex for procreation concept...

@nutsinmay - Run brother H, Run!

@Mo and Will - you are welcome, better luck next time for you guys.

@Sarah - ;-)

@Nick McGivney - Lucky man you didn't say 'droopy'.
Thats a whole other story.

Happy Christmas Nick.

@IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP - Yeah baby!

@Tanya - Careful now!

@Mrs4444 - I can safely say. You win!

@Ed (zoesdad) - glad to be of service!

@Kelley - I think Kel, it was the 4 bottles of merlot that made you laugh...

@amy - coming to a train station near you!

@S - Thanks, welcome, and all the best to you guys.

@River - That, is a little saddening!

Craig D said...

All this post needs are three little words at the beginning:

"Dear Penthouse Forum"

Edith said...

Need... to... get.... image... out.... of.... my.... head....
*bangs head*

Whenever we are sick, we go like, it's okay, at least it's not ovulation time!! :)

WhatAboutNovember said...

how very very sad and very very funny. i hope you're feeling better soon. and i really hoped for all that effort it worked. :)

Angel said...

Did she really say that? "Oh thank god"? I'm sorry. That is absolutely hilarious. What stamina, though! You go, boy! Wow.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I can't stop grinning.

Karen MEG said...

Who needs porn when we've got Xbox?

(I empathize ... with ET. But I find this a tad too funny, probably because I've been there too many times myself. Get better soon.)

iVegasFamily said...

Now that's dedication.

hotmamamia said...

I couldn't even read your comments before commenting because I was laughing so goddamn hard my sides hurt and I couldn't breathe!!! Now, I shall go back and read the comments....OMG....I still can't breathe!!!

Becky said...

Feel better ... happy and merry!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Craig D - :0) Although Craig, most ofthose tend to be exaggerations!

@Edith - There's no escaping! Happy Christmas Edith.

@WhatAboutNovember - Alive and kicking!

@Angel - I'll be the first to admit things often get exagerated, but those were her very words upon completion.

@Maggie, Dammit - That can't be a bad thing!

@Karen MEG - I worry for you if that beats porn, you have to see the funny side.
;0)

@iVegasFamily - ;0) All the best.

@hotmamamia - Haha! Enjoy.

@Becky - Same to you, all the best.

jodie38 said...

Oh. My. God. I'm crying with laughter. Not meaning to mock your pain, really, but this is the funniest thing I've read in a looong time. Ah, the joys of timed shagging. It's great for everyone's ego, isn't it?

My honey bunch was out with some friends once, and actually told them to "keep his beer cold and save his seat - he'll be back in 20 minutes". :-/

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jodie38 - If I had a bar that close I'd say the same!

Bluestreak said...

xbox, this is one of your best yet. proof = my husband just walked in to ask me what i was alone in a room laughing my ass off at.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Bluestreak - Que Passa Bluestreak?
Is that what he said?