Monday, 1 December 2008

Making that list, checking it twice

With Christmas fast approaching, I'm sure you are all frantically worrying about what to get that special 1 in 6 buggered childless couple among your friends and family.

What does one get for the infertile in their life who has it all?

If you are observant, you'll have noticed a lack of advertising targeted at the knackered egg and disorientated semen owning community.

With an eye on the gap in the market, I can't believe that merciless entrepreneurs haven't pounced upon the desperation and misery. There's money to be made in tattered testicles and crippled cervices you know.

There are plenty of companies with whom you can arrange the 'day of a lifetime' - flying a helicopter, swimming with dolphins, becoming an extra on a day-time soap opera etc.

What we need is a company who don't offer you these expensive days out, but do offer you all the evidence that you've been and done it.

http://www.sorrywecantmakeit.com/ could be especially aimed at couples who really can't face another friend's christening, birthday party, or baby shower and who just need to stay home and sulk.
Of course, just turning down the invitation would be rude and insensitive, so being able to say that you already have arrangements to drive a formula one racing car that day, and will have photographic evidence on Monday to prove it, is a good solution.

Painting the illusion that you both still actually live a life is also great for all those who prefer to stay in denial.

Infertility fashion has been largely ignored too. I know I'd be quite chuffed to wear the 'We Relaxed..' t-shirt range, with '...and it still didn't happen' on the back.
For the deeply disturbed infertile in your life there is the 'spit up' label, which is a range of designer office wear for him and her with fake baby spit and vomit on the shoulders. Never again do we need to feel that our tidiness and fashion awareness should make us feel inferior in the workplace.

Movie makers need to get their act together and put together box sets in time for Christmas. What childless festive season isn't complete without an all day 'Children of men', 'Baby mama', and 'The hand that rocks the cradle' movie marathon?

Speaking of Christmas misery, what could be a better gift than the 2 CD set of baby and child noises?
Just like some people like to listen to sounds of the Amazon or whales burping, playing a cd of baby gurgling and laughing noises is a sure fire way to mask the silence of a pitter-patterless Christmas morning.

When it all becomes too much to handle and you realise you are borderline certifiably insane, you can put on the 2nd cd which is filled with screaming, and crying, and yelling, and the sound of Tonka trucks being smashed on sibling’s toes. That’ll bring you to your senses.

Remember though folks, infertility is not just for Christmas!

Dominos Pizza could launch their 'Failure Friday Special' especially for couples who don't manage to get knocked up in a month. This consists of a large pizza of your choice and 7 bottles of dreadful wine, all for just 9.99.

A further 50% discount can be claimed at delivery upon presenting a sample of undesired fresh menstrual blood.

It would reduce the number of pizza delivery guys getting robbed at least.

Not to be seen to be only cashing in on the infertile misery, they might also promote a new range of pizzas to aid the hungry TTCing couple.

The 'Getcha Freak On' pizza to help encourage copulation when the will, or willie, is failing.
One topping. Oysters. 4 inches deep.

The 'Super Swimmer Special' is bound to be a hit. It's an egg white base, topped with 6 quartered limes for vitamin C, fish eyes for vitamin E, sliced baby carrots for beta carotene, and a generous sprinkling of crushed zinc.

For a few extra cents you can upgrade either of these to the 'No Family Feast' and get a shot of mucous thinning cough syrup for her, and a triple shot of espresso for him.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go finish my proposal for an infertility version of 'The Apprentice'.

"Hump with Trump".



71 comments:

joe said...

Oh, the cheer.

You radiate the Christmas spirit already.

Part time job as a mall santa might help y'know? Nobody would suspect you of being a child snatcher.

I would, though. But the dutch aren't too bright from what i've gathered.

Sue said...

I'd like the No Family Feast, please, but could I also have that 7 boxes of dreadful wine?

Thanks.

Russ said...

"We Relaxed" tee shirts! Does this mean that you ARE a closet 80's music fan?!

womb for improvement said...

I believe my last post adequately illustrated why the oyster pizza won't work (just got a little bit of sick in my mouth).

And as for entrepreneurs not making enough money out of us - I dread to think how much I have spent on ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, vitamins, acupuncture...

However, another area where I think there is a gap is a phone service where you get the 'nursery' to call you at work to say that you have to come home immediately and because little Tarquin has a bug. That's got to be good ofr at least two days off work.

Erika said...

"undesired fresh menstrual blood"

you are a special boy, xbox. so, SO special.

Tismee2 said...

At least you and ET can lie in on Christmas morning!! Not like the rest of us who have to get woken at some unearthly hour just so we can disentangle a whole load of cardboard and plastic from mountains of toys and then mop up the sick from too much chocolate - and all before breakfast!

You don't know how lucky you are - bah humbug!

WiseGuy said...

How about designing a pee stick that will always test positive on Christmas day?

Chaos said...

Such Christmas spirit! I'll be a contestant on Hump with Trump.

Tigger said...

Oh. My. God.

I gagged at the thought of those pizzas, but the thought still amused the hell out of me.

I'd like to order one of those "We Relaxed" shirts, in a tank style, x-large and black please. Oh - and can you make a special Christmas version of a pregnancy test in red and green? thanks!

Bluestreak said...

I see you´ve got the sarcasm bug this year for the holidays too. I´m gonna be feasting on a mean egg nog of self pity this xmas too so I´ll be sure and raise my glass to you.

Bonnie B. said...

WHEN will I learn not to read your posts after breakfast?!?!? (gag)

ms. changes pants while driving said...

you're funny

womb for improvement said...

Oh I've got another one. An inflatable vest that is widget enabled so that it links to those online pregnancy tickers and inflates appropriate to a real baby's development in the womb. That way you (well, ET) wears it to work and gets free maternity leave at the end. Good eh?

raino said...

hump with trump. like it!

Putz said...

i so like your closing line, hump with trump....i hate that guy the way he goes around and fires everyone...i think i might have been fired by him once also....i would rather say fire away donald...that would work if your broken toe still works and can enlarge...oh my and i'c a christian..well so are you , so have a happy cathoic irish holiday, but i am sure i will be in touch or you will be to my blog before that

gnomespeak said...

The spinoff could be Hump with Trump's Toupee. Think about it.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Joe - Dutch kids are just too tall.

@Sue - I like how you made it 7 boxes instead of bottles... ;0)

@Russ - That's not a bad idea either, 80's reflection t-shirts... Hmmm

@Womb4improvement - that's quite the social bluff though... next thing social services will be around checking up on the kid...

@Erika - I'm sensing undertones in that declaration of 'special'...

@Tismee2 - Oh Boo flippin Hoo...

@wiseguy - how wonderfully cruel

@Chaos - if you can't beat 'em... as they say.

@Tigger - My first order! I'll be rich I tell you!

@Bluestreak - Sarcastic, moi? Nooooo....

@Bonnie B. - set your alarm a bit earlier, meet you at 5am, right here...

@Ms changes pants while driving - You're a traffic hazard... ;0)

@Womb4improvement - Now, you're starting to worry me...

@Raino - all the ladiez do... ;-)

@Putz - I'm sure we'll be in touch before the big day sir! plenty of time to go yet.

@gnomespeak - The thought of his shower plug, makes me gag.

Elaine said...

Your killing me....Cough syrup and espresso...Oh, how that made me laugh, we went down that road....

Vacant Uterus said...

Could I have a tee shirt that says "We Adopted" and on the back "And we still didn't get pregnant!" I think you should add one of those.

Add me in for the seven bottles of dreadful wine. Or was that whine?

tiff said...

Um. Wow.
I think you are in the wrong career.
Put me down for the wine. Okay?

iVegasFamily said...

You're brilliant! Although the undesired menstrual blood was a little too much.

Sarah said...

"A further 50% discount can be claimed at delivery upon presenting a sample of undesired fresh menstrual blood."

And if you'll excuse ME....I need to go stab out my minds eye now!

Sarah said...

But I want one of those T-shirts!

Anja said...

I can't speak Dutch, but I can do a fine line in "how to avoid Christmas parties" excuses in German.

Guaranteed you will never be invited to a social event again.

Kori said...

Speechless. Laughing, yet speechless.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Wow. Once again I do not have a clue where to begin. I think I'll re-gift the menstral blood and take a t-shirt (extra large).

frogpondsrock said...

"Hump with Trump". Oh dear... now I have visions of Donald grabbing his crotch and yelling "FIRED"

EWWWWW XB some things just aren't meant to be imagined at all...

Tanya said...

ohhhhh

This is the first time ever in my entire life that I wanted to hug somebody that I don't know.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Wait! Can women who already have babies get that Friday Failure deal?

This is important.

Tara R. said...

There's an American TV Reality show in there somewhere... get your idea to Hollywood first and you'll be rich.

Quickroute said...

ah Genius! - "undesired fresh menstrual blood" - the mother in laws present finally sorted - I suppose you do your own line of hair gel ala 'There's something about Mary'?

Chhandita said...

I WANT tht pee stick wiseguy..anything for a BFP (even a fake one)...

Kelley said...

This one made me sad.

I am premenstrual. Or Menstrual. Or a woman.

Cheer up bitch.

nutsinmay said...

I'll take a tee-shirt. Also a bill-board reading on the front: 'we've been on holiday. We've propped our hips up afterwards. Hush up about the cough-mixture. We do take our vitamins. I am actually seeing a specialist about this. I don't like dogs and H is allergic to cats. I'm allergic to pineapple (pineapple? WTF?). I AM losing weight, you blind insensitive git.'

And on the back: 'THEY DON'T WORK EITHER'.

Also, your first-day-of-period pizza offer did not include a two-litre bucket of chocolate ice-cream. It really ought to.

amy said...

I wasn't going to admit it... But I actually followed that link. It took me to my bank's website.

River said...

Yuk, your pizza toppings had me screwing up my face and shuddering. 4 inches of oysters??? Gag...

Veronica said...

Okay the 'Super Swimmer Special' just made me feel a little queasy. Why on earth make the base egg whites?

(and don't tell me that I could just turn it into meringue because I don't think fish eyes and baby carrots go with meringue.)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Elaine - Oh it's ALL too familiar and common I think!

@Vacant Uterus - I'm thinking a whole range, including 'We got a dog'...

@tiff - well THAT much goes without saying.

@iVegasFamily - Ah come on, you can't be that squeamish...

@Sarah - Orders are in.

@Anja - Anything in German here in Holland will have you excluded...

@Kori - I don't believe that for a second.

@Ed - it's the gift that keeps on giving!

@frogpondsrock - that one was all your own doing I'm afraid...

@Tanya - I do hope you mean me...

@Maggie, Dammit - The Friday Failure meal is indeed open to failures of all stages.

@Tara R - No one takes my calls.

@Quickroute - no man, you can't waste that stuff!

@Chhandita - you don't want that either, trust me.

@Kelley - Bloody hormones. Literally.

@nutsinmay - It does worry me slightly when other people think about this in as much detail as I do...

@Amy - Doh! it's an unclaimed address at the moment...

@River - How many inches could you take?

@Veronica - Egg White, A CM substitute/aid...

Jane G said...

I could certainly have done with the services of sorrywecantmakeit.com last weekend :)

WhatAboutNovember said...

Brilliant.

Putz said...

rumur has it that tismee2 gail might be pregnant agin

B said...

the misery in this post is either in scarily high proportions, or false.

...or bits of both.

Putz said...

something crossed my mind so i must hav some say...a lot of people, men out there, but nappy does not have as many men blog him as women, but some men who write to nappy might think this is all fun and games from the man's standpoint trying to conceive, but let me tell you fellows peeing in public is not as hard as haveing a climax in public and peeing in a cup is not as hard as having a climax in a cup...i did that for four long years and was embarassed...some of you think it is all a big joke , a man wanting a child, and do a lot of teasing...i like teasing , it is good for nappy's blog, but damit...there are many parts that are not good...all those cups, all those hospitallas , all those damned ugly nurses saying do it do it now do it often...well nappy i have vented

Putz said...

something crossed my mind so i must hav some say...a lot of people, men out there, but nappy does not have as many men blog him as women, but some men who write to nappy might think this is all fun and games from the man's standpoint trying to conceive, but let me tell you fellows peeing in public is not as hard as haveing a climax in public and peeing in a cup is not as hard as having a climax in a cup...i did that for four long years and was embarassed...some of you think it is all a big joke , a man wanting a child, and do a lot of teasing...i like teasing , it is good for nappy's blog, but damit...there are many parts that are not good...all those cups, all those hospitallas , all those damned ugly nurses saying do it do it now do it often...well nappy i have vented

Marita said...

There is always the fetus shaped cookie cutter:

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/12/fetal-bites.html

Sarah said...

Very good! I'll take a large and an extra large please and thank you!

Deb said...

My God... you've practically got your own Infertility Etsy in the making with that list. You'll be rich.

James Austin said...

Hilarious X.

"One topping. Oysters. 4 inches deep."

Might hold on on the Pie for a while after that one.

James Austin said...

(from Mrs. LIAYF)

I can see the commercial now:

"All depressed at Christmas because you can't conceive?
Annoyed and angered by the slightly sadistic friends and family who make hurtful comments about your infertility?

Have we got the perfect gift for you! The "Up Yours 3000" that says what you're too nice to say. Just wear this little device, cleverly disguised as a holiday bauble (or lapel pin for the gents), and press the button when you get comments only the idoitically fertile would spew.

The next time you hear "Can we expect to meet your little one next Christmas?," your UY3000 will respond "Not if he has to meet someone as rude as you."

When you hear the little gem, "Just relax and have a few drinks, it worked for me and my wife," your handy-dandy helper will calmly retort "Well, she has to have a few drinks to sackdance with the likes of you."

And, upon hearing "God has a plan," the UY3000 will gleefully respond "Wow, you are right! Denying children to those who would love them and giving them to those who don't want them sounds like such a WONDERFUL plan."

If you don't want the comments to sound like they are coming from you, turn on the ventriloquist mode. Your responses will sound like they are coming from the schmoo across the room. You and your sweetie can then duck out before the fists fly!

THE PRICE - FREE! (you've already spent too much money on fertility treatments, so you need some sort of gift for Christmas).

Shanny said...

I need the "we relaxed, but it still didn't happen" T-shirt.... A few actually in different colors, make it a real fashion statement lol

Tyler @ Building Camelot said...

It sounds like you're on to something here, but, I do feel a little frustration in your voice. Go ahead and start a company and make money off someone elses misery...from all the crap you've been through you'd make the perfect CEO.

kittyconcerto.com said...

Duuuuuuude. 50% off for unwanted menstrual blood?!?!

Dear Lord,

Please give this man and his wife a baby soon. Not really for them, but for my own selfish sanity.

mrsmiller2007 said...

I'll take 2 of your shirts and an oyster pizza to go please.

This is the first time I've ever seen your blog and its freakin' AWESOME!!!! Can't wait to show it to my hubby tomorrow.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - You certainly could by the sounds of it.

@WhatAboutNovember - The greatest advancements come in time of war!

@Putz - Don't be naughty...

@B - It's definitely not false, but no need to be scared either.

@Putz - Putz - Standing up for the TTC man since 1942!

@Marita - That is horribly fantastic, you too can have one in the oven...hahaha
(and welcome, I think!)

@Sarah - On their way

@Deb - If I had a clue what an Etsy was, I'be rich!

@James Austin - Whats for dinner then? ;0)

@James Austin(from Mrs. LIAYF) - That has brought a tear to my eye, THAT'S the Chirstmas spirist I wanted to see!
Beautiful!

@Shanny - Online store will be up and running soon! (& Welcome)

@Tyler @ Building Camelot - Frustration? here? Nooooo, never ;0)

@kittyconcerto.com - It's part of my plan to sicken the universe into giving us what we want.

@mrsmiller2007 - Thanks, you're very welcome, hope you enjoy. And hope you don't scar hubby for life.

geeksinrome said...

I hope you are working for Mattel. these ideas are just too good.

What about a new home entertainment system called WiiVF?
you can just wave your arms at the tv and inject ET with 2 fresh and happily dividing embryos! She just has to splay her legs and watch her tummy grow!!

AnnD said...

Once again, I'm torn between laughing hysterically and crying hysterically.

Here's to the future Xbox beanie!

K8 the Gr8 said...

I was in a photo booth once and found that one of their novelty frames included two children in the foreground. Bizarre.

Irish Mammy said...

You could add a couple of months supply of "Viagra for her" to your wish list!
See story on how Viagra helps woman conceive twins: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,457151,00.html

bsouth said...

Do you know, I might not go to Pizza Express for a while now. Thanks.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh my God you are brilliant. I think you should think about the market for an appropriate Christmas song too.

UrbanVox said...

I REALLY don't do cmas!
I tend to let the wiffey take care of lists...
this year she decided not to... so I guess there will be some people that won;t even get a card... :)
woopsie dasie!

Ms. Moon said...

And just think- the Virgin Mary got pregnant without even having to get the sheets messed up. Not even once.
No wonder you're a bit ambivalent about the holiday.
As was Joseph, I feel sure.

Dto3 said...

At the restaurant my loving wife and I patroned this evening, the chalkboard above the urinal said - "Don't play with your weenie - order a Tingle-Tini" Maybe that's what you need.

Karen MEG said...

I wish I could take some of that bitterness off of your shoulders, I always found Christmas time especially tough... at least you can post your ingenious venting here, but I don't know if it makes you feel better or worse.

Your day will come my friend, and then you won't have to fake the baby vomit or spit up on your duds. I pray that moment comes sooner rather than later.

Leslie Laine said...

I'm still laughing out loud (and I'm sure my husband thinks I'm even more crazy now that I don't have the benefits of hormones to blame right now).

I absolutely, positively LOVE this post. It's one of my faves!!

Definitely!! :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@geeksinrome - hahahah. Aaaaaaaaaaahahahaha.

@AnnD - Heres to it indeed....

@K8 the Gr8 - Oh that's brilliant, wish I'd thought of that.

@Irish Mammy - That's an interesting one, but surely they have more 'normal' ways to increase blood flow, odd.

@bsouth - Thank me when you lose 15lbs

@Jo Beaufoix - Me and Cliff Richard eh?

@UrbanVox - I might be joining you on that one.

@Ms. Moon - If they are trying to tell me that wasn't some early form of artificial insemination....

@Dto3 - a tingle-tini...hmmm... a bottle of JD maybe.

@Karen MEG - I was going to say that it's not bitterness, but who am I kidding. It bloody is.

@Leslie Laine - Nice to see you get it, or not, as the case may be!

Fate's Granddaughter said...

I think this is a stroke of marketing genius. Don't forget us little people when you're rich and famous.

Sniffle&Cry said...

And when you hold a mirror up to these presents and place them under the tree, oh Xbox, what a beautiful warm picture you’ve painted.

DrSpouse said...

Hilarious! Thank you...

DrSpouse said...

PS can I have a t-shirt that says "Yes, I did read all those articles and my very clever specialist has done all those tests you read about...

and there's nothing wrong with me"

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Fate's Grandaughter - I'm 5 foot 6. I'm one of you...

@Sniffle & Cry - I'm the Ghost of Christmas pissed.

@DrSpouse - Might have to make it in text speak to fit, but yeah why not...