Monday, 2 March 2009

Swing low, sweet, er..chariots?

Welcome to the third lunar year of us trying to get knocked up.

If you are still reading, either you are very patient, bored, yet oddly invested, or you're married to me.

To celebrate the dawning of this third era, I'm going to share three discoveries I've made in the last week.

One: The famed two week wait is not the worst part of this cyclical ridiculousness. The days that follow it are.

At the start of every cycle it's bad enough that you've just been smacked with a failure, but then you have to wait the best part of a week before you can even pretend to do anything about it.

The first 5 days of every cycle your hands are tied, metaphorically with a tiny little string, and you can't even pretend to be useful during these days.

Let's face it, fooling yourself is vital in this game.

You ignore the statistics and keep going monthly. You ignore the fundamentals of human biology by jumping into bed from CD06 onwards when in fact it gives you no better chance than a single shot a week later. You ignore the fading line on the OPK, the rise in temperature on the chart and you keep going long after the eggy ship has sailed.

You could just be quite randy, of course.

You allow yourself to be fooled that you are not really faced with small windows and smaller odds, just so you can stay sane. You fool yourselves into staying busy, to be doing something, to just avoid the waiting, and the waiting.

Two: We have now, statistically at least according to the Dutch medical profession, dipped under the 10% mark. That is, the chance of us ever getting pregnant by ourselves is somewhere in single figures.

This is why they insist on waiting this long before intervening, as only now does an IUI for example give a better chance.

A huge whopping 11% of a chance.

Three: According to Desmond Morris' book 'The naked man', which refers to an Alfred Kinsey study, I am one of just 5% of human males whose right testicle is lower than their left.

90% hang lower on the left, 5% on the right, and 5% are level. Only those level would have any cause for concern as it just makes them slightly more prone to damage.

Does that make me rightly bolloxed?

That has nothing to with anything in particular but I just felt like upping the 'too much information' stakes for one new reader.

Not exactly baby brother material is it, eh.


45 comments:

Irish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Russ said...

Woo Hoo, I'm first, sort of.

Since you had to share that factoid, I had to check my, er, situation. I'm a righty too! We're brothers!

Bonnie B. said...

Well, seeing as how you have no dignity left anyway by this point, I want proof of the right one being lower. C'mon now. You've shared charts and temperature gauges and little pee sticks with us, now we want pictures. Color pictures. With a yard stick laying alongside so that we can see the degree to which you claim to be abnormal.

Not that I don't believe you, but in the words of one of our presidents "Trust, but verify"

WhatAboutNovember said...

Point one is spot on. Point two makes me a little sad, a little adament. Point three made me cringe, just a little.

Kori said...

My left breast is larger than my right-surely that counts for something?

Momo Fali said...

I am oddly invested, but I'm not bored. I envision a day when I'll jump up and down with excitement while reading a post here.

You know what really pisses me off? That a single-mother with no job and six kids under the age of seven, was able to pop out eight more kids and you guys can't even pop out one. That's just not right.

womb for improvement said...

So which side do you dress on?

Elf in Amsterdam said...

Being a gay girl, I have to say I'm no novice (let alone expert) on male genitalia, but I'd have thought that like feet, and breasts and .... ears? Testicles are just another thing that should be of differing sizes? No?

Keep up the waiting, it will be worth it, and we are all still reading cause we believe it will happen and we so want to be there to celebrate with you both.

That and for the strange factoids about rude bits... :)

Elf

frog ponds rock... said...

Now I really want to go and ask the spouse which way his balls hang but I know that he will tell me to check them myself and then I just know that he will say, "while youre down there" and then I will have to make a quick decision.. Gah XB you make my life very complicated sometimes...

AnnD said...

I think we all stick around because the day you post that ET is pregnant will make all of us so freakin' happy as if it were our own good piece of news! Your pain is terrible to watch, I'm not a sadist by any means and it's hard to see you suffer. But, I just have hope that one day...I'll let out a scream of glee thousands of miles away from you for your good news.

Mick said...

So that's you, me and Russ out of the 5% of "rightly bolloxed".

I smell a rat in those statistics...

nutsinmay said...

And H. H is a righty. I bet he wanted me to tell you that.

Those statistics, eh? Lies, damned lies, and...

Ms. Moon said...

We are all asymmetrical. If you ever meet someone who is perfectly symmetrical, you may be sure that person is either (a) an alien, or (b) a robot. Or something not entirely human.
And once again, I have no words but these: Do not give up.
And I know you won't.

abritdifferent said...

I'm always amazed at how much you know about the female bits. Not that you wouldn't at this point, but I still think it's pretty amazing.

Veronica said...

Is it bad that I am tempted to go and check Nats balls out now?

Sarah said...

I so didnt ever want to have to think about your testicles. But thank you for the image you painted.

ANd yes, I'm oddly invested. Oddly being the operative word.

James said...

Very insightful. Now I have to go check. Never had before...surprisingly.

Jenni said...

Oddly invested is a good way to put it.

Is one of your sisters reading your blog now? That's sweet! Although she may stop now that detailing your anatomy.

Hockeyman said...

Hmmm, my right wrist is stronger than my left, does that count?

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

You're totally gonna laugh at/prod/tease me tomorrow on IM for this, but when you told me about the hanging left/right thing, I totally missed the part about it BEING A TESTICLE.

I thought you were talking about arms.

I shit you not.

And now I will regret telling you that.

Tanya said...

Apparently the same goes for breasts, most women have one bigger than the other and it has something to do with the left and right side of the brain which affect growth on each side of the body. Something like that. Thanks for the new information though, not sure how handy it will be to me? A friend of mine had unprotected sex for 5 years, thinking she was infertile, then she fell pregnant. I wonder what category she falls into.

Tanya said...

p.s Is it wrong that I already knew which testicle hung lower on my partner before I even read this? I asked him if it was normal, he said they fit better that way and don't annoy each other.

Joe said...

This author has been deleted by the post

River said...

I don't understand the significance of the right testicle being lower. What possible difference does it make? Don't they both do the same job? How can it matter?

Edith said...

Oh yes!! Thank you!!
I've been waiting so long to find out if your right testicle is lower than the right! ;)

For me the day before the menstruation is normally the worse, that's when the temperature starts to drop and I have a whole day to be afraid of what's coming....

jothemama said...

Oh. Desmond Morris. He may be a bit of an arse, if ;The Naked Ape' is anything to go by, Phallocentric Evolution theory :)

The idea of Bollock Brothers is cracking me up. You should get badges done.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Irish - You should have left it, it was fine.

@Russ - Curious!

@Bonnie B. - You know Bonnie, I don't really see that happening any time soon.
you'll just have to take my word for it ;0)

@WhatAboutNovember - That's a job well done then isn't it ?

@Kori - Something yes, what, I'm not so sure.

@Momo Fali - Amen.
;-)

@womb for improvement - The side closest the wardrobe.

@Elf in Amsterdam - there's a conversation for the next airport meeting!
(Thanks)

@frog ponds rock... - For the sake of science woman, for the sake of science.

@AnnD - Thanks, as always Ann. You take care.

@Mick - Curiouser! I had to double check those stats incase I got them reversed, but no. We are in the 5%.

@nutsinmay - Curiouser still! He'll be thrilled, bloody thrilled.

@Ms. Moon - That's the idea!

@abritdifferent - funny, the wife is amazed at how much I don't know about them.

@Veronica - No, go.

@Sarah - My gift, to you.

@James - Well, I'm curious...

@Jenni - Yep. Just thought I'd give a taster or tastelessness.

@Hockeyman - It doesn't count, nor surprise...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - There are no words.

@Tanya - level is not good, they need to be uneven.

@Joe - touche!

@River - No, you are correct, it doesnt matter at all. It's just an anatomical oddity.

@Edith - Well I'm spared the day before usually. I'm glad I can inform!

@jothemama - a secret handshake?
I found the book fascinating actually.

Angel said...

The big toe on my right foot is much smaller than the big toe on my left foot. These things just make us special. Well, mine makes me special; yours makes you weird.

Jane G said...

That's one unwanted mental image you have conjured up for me. Thanks!

Lorna said...

I think the most optimistic time of the month is during ovulation as you feel you are doing something about it, then the 2 week wait is really such a waiting game and feel helpless as you just don't know whether anything has actually happened or not. I find it really frustrating too but once the new cycle begins again, I find the optimism increases as it just might happen this month.
Best of luck when you see the consultant in 2 weeks. x

Putz said...

we are married, any chance for a divorce?????

Tismee2 said...

Thanks to yourself and Tanya, am I correct in saying that if testicles are even they resemble clackers????

So if that's true, then jumping up and down would be similar to that thing we did with clackers in the 1970's that was a high and low 'clack' - and usually ended up with bruised wrists?

Hmmm now there's a thought.

Craig D said...

What are these "testicles" you people keep talking about?

Holemaster said...

X - I never leave comments because every time I read a post there's already about 50 comments and I have nothing to add of any intelligent value. But I do check in and hope things happen for you both.

Amy said...

If ever I am after a dose of "too much information" I know I can rely on you, X. Keep swingin.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angel - Special is right...

@Jane G - you still went home and checked I bet.

@Lorna - Yeah you have a point, but for me its from day 6 or so onwards.

@Putz - I'll take you for half of what you have.

@Tismee2 - I do worry about you a bit.

@Craig D - remember your wedding day, those things you put in a box?

@Holemaster - Thank you, I appreciate that. we read every single comment, but they are not obligatory.
Thanks for popping up.

@Amy - I'm here to serve.

Sinead said...

now i wish I had testicles, so I could see which group I fit into!

Are there similar stats for tits?

Dondi Tiples said...

That testicular piece of information is tres interesting. Never noticed it before. Will have to check and see for myself.

Craig D said...

Oh, yeah. "For safe keeping" I was told.

I thought you were talking about the guy who pulled the thorn out of that lion's paw.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sinead - I'm sure you could get your hands on a pair...

@Dondi Tiples - No need to thank me ;-)

@Craig D - and you haven't seen 'em since....

Jane G said...

I checked. He (or rather they) hang evenly, so he's in a minority group too.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - Im sure he'll be delighted with your sharing!

B said...

i will not go off to check that now

...although is it odd that my indie idealism makes me wanna be a righty cos it's the minority.

Bluestreak said...

I'll add this to my list of things I know about Xbox, along with stubby fingers. This imagery is important, see.

Deb said...

Do not underestimate the turkey baster.