Tuesday, 15 July 2008

WWXVI

Womb War Sixteen rages on, and now, on battle day 13, dementia begins to set in in the trenches.

It's time to raise my heads over the parapet once again.

The whiff of war is wafting over the ovulatory battlefield.

Bureaucracy has denied us the use of modern weapons of war, and so, here we stand, toe to toe, crotch to crotch, and armed with nothing other than our wits n'wobbly bits.

The generals have been alerted, the soldiers readied (and the sheets changed).

What lies before them, is destiny (and a spreadeagled wife).

The only question which remains is what method of attack do we employ?

Is it the moment to attempt to unleash the pinpointed attack?
Thus dropping the S-bomb on Ovum city at the optimal predefined moment. Guided only by the G-Pee-S device, in the hope that the accurate deployment and sheer might of one massive man milk mini monster will prove too much for the stubborn resistance of eggy communism.

Alternatively, is it wiser to choose the 'shock & awe' approach?
By so, spraying the fallopian lurking bitch with baby bullets day after day after day after day until a positive outcome is no longer physically possible, until the enemy lies defeated and fertilised, waving the pristine white sanitary towel of concession (or conception) in the air, or until I collapse from the lack of blood circulating to my brain.

With all forces available to us we shall fight the good fight. By land (on the living room rug), by sea(on the waterbed), and by air(swinging from the rafters), allies shall come together (well, if she's really lucky, maybe) to defeat the dark forces of the infertile anti-infant infantry.

God bless the good ship 'ET' and all who set sail in her.



70 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh how I can relate to this. I'm so glad I found your blog (off Matt's Blog). For better or worse, it's nice to hear a guys perspective on all this TCC bullshit. I'm just sorry you have to write about the struggels of it. I'm on battle day 18 and I think the beginning of the 2ww. We did the every other day attack this go round. It's my last shot before the year anniversary of the loss. So hoping I meet that deadline with two gorgeous pink lines.

Anways, thread jacker that I am.

I hope chapter 16 is the one that ends the battle!

~Christa in the Valenica

'That Girl' said...

This is hilarious. Interesting to peer into your man brain..shocking what's in there. SHOCKING!

'That Girl' said...

And Good luck!

Kori said...

"The whiff of war is wafting over the ovulatory battlefield."

It just doesn't get much better than this. Go in with all you've got; you don't need to blood to your head anyway.

kittyconcerto.com said...

By land, by sea, by air..... but have you tried By Doggie??? No matter where the battlefield lays, I wish the soldiers strength and endurance in their missionary mission. I wish them well. Go Spencer Go!

Tara R. said...

Bon Voyage Spencer, and Happy Sailing!

Dan said...

We will ejaculate on the beaches, We will ejaculate on the landing grounds, We will ejaculate on the fields and in the streets. We will ejaculate on the hills. We will never surrender

Papa Jim said...

I say go old school. Really really old school. Trojan horse comes to mind. Fill that sucker up, paint a smiley face on it and knock on the door.

BusyDad said...

Fark! I hate when I log in with the wrong google account and make a comment. Papa Jim is the pre-blog incarnation of he who is known as BusyDad.

zoeyjane said...

i totally just saluted the troops and 'enemy.'

Jenni said...

I love that you have a waterbed. Very 70s. I'm seeing you in an entirely different light.

I wish the toops well. Watch out for trench foot.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Christa in the Valenica - Sorry about the loss (I didn't know). It's all shitty, it really is, but you take the next 'positive' and go with it. I hope this cycle work for you, anniversaries of all types suck.
The very best of luck!

@That girl - Thanks!
and I never gave it much thought, but the contents of my head can't be very pretty.

@Kori - All I've got? ok, all 3.5 inches it is...!

@Kittyconcerto - ACTUALLY... that's only suitable for a tilted cervix. Trust me, I've been trying to bend ET's for months.

@Tara R - I feel like I should smash a bottle of champagne on her arse.

@Dan - I've just won a bet with myself that you would quote Churchill, so to speak.
I was this close to trying it myself, but I just couldn't get it right.
You sir, deserve a round of applause.

@BusyPapaJimDad - She's prefers if I ring the doorbell, so to speak...
Although I'm really not sure using anything 'trojan' related is good for TTC karma...
(the new comment thingy does funny default stuff)

@Zoeyjane - They stand to attention and salute you back!

@Jenni - Oh bugger. you've blown it, the waterbed was just for effect. Anyone who knows us would literally piss themselves laughing at the thought of us on a waterbed.

Doowakkawakka...

Mr Lady said...

*gigglegiggle*

Karen MEG said...

Where do you come up with this stuff? Visions, my friend, you're giving me visions.

Any and all strategies work; you're right, it's an all out war.

Honestly, it shouldn't be this hard to beat back old Aunt Flo. The old bat needs a vacation anyway.

Lucky 16 to you...

Missives From Suburbia said...

Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes.

Putz said...

do you know what i used to worry about in this WAR ////??????......I JUST THOUGHT BACK 43 YEARS and what i thought was, i wonder if i am shooting these guys out with as much pressure as needed, with such a little wee wee i always that that like the rocket on barlow putz up skyline drive i would always comme out with a poooof, just a thought, ignore it if you want, you are probably a manly man there and have no worry with that stuff

iVegasFamily said...

Good luck in battle. I wish you success!

Jason said...

Once more unto the, no.. keep a stiff upper, uh-good luck.

Quickroute said...

Visualizing "Charge of the Light Brigade!" right now!

Irish Diaspora said...

That's some imagery! With that effort you can only succeed.

Veronica said...

The visions!

MadWoman said...

Oh the pictures flashing through my skull right now....it's like cheap internet porn but with a better result.

Good luck old chap.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Ahhh war & sex. My two favorite things, combined.

Good luck sir!

Dondi Tiples said...

Really funny way to look at it. I hope you don't turn home sweet home into a ravaged battleground.

Nola said...

All the best!!! /crosses fingers

Tyler @ Building Camelot said...

"...S-bomb..." <-- Love it! That could do some damage in the wrong hands!

Jared said...

Wishing smooth sailing to the good ship 'ET' and all who set sail in her. :D Maybe you should try some red mood lighting. Ever heard the saying..."Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Red sky in morning, sailor’s warning"

Meghan said...

Oh my the images! Full speed straigh ahead! Good luck!

karmental said...

You're such a romantic.

I hope you crush communism in a big way this month!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Oh, fudge. You a funny someofabitch.

Git er done.

Jen W said...

Fingers crossed that you are victorious in battle this month!

NukeDad said...

Sounds like you're about to go all Roger Waters on us; "Tear down the Wall! Tear down the Wall!" Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?

Kelley said...

Damn you. That post was hilarious. Funnier than anything I have written in like, minutes.

Bastard.

All hail the SS ET

Jane G said...

LOL!!! You really cheered me up on the first day of my second clomid cycle. Thanks!

River said...

Good plans. All of them. Go for it. Good luck.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Mr Lady - I hope that's with me as opposed to at me.

@Karen MEG - From the deepest darkest regions of a messed up head.
Cheers.

@Missives From Suburbia - You've just guaranteed eyes closed sex with that comment!

@Putz - That's a lot of information there putz...I REALLY don't want to add that trauma to my list!

@iVegasFamily - Thank you sir.

@Jason - THere's a lot to be said for a silent handshake eh?

@Quickroute - I want a horse!

@Irish Disapora - or fail...

@Veronica - try being in my head.

@MadWoman - Cheap internet porn always has a good result, doesn't it?

@Immoral Matriarch - I shudder to think what's in your bedside locker.

@Dondi Tiples - Hope the neighbours don't complain.

@Nola - Thank you dear.

@Tyler - It's gonna do no damage if it's in anyone's hands...

@Jared - Isn't that shepherd not sailor?...Hmmm sheep...

@Meghan - Thanks!

@Karmental - I mean the devistation and defeated in the fluffiest way possible of course! thanks!

@A whole lot of nothing - that's the plan. still.

@Jen w - Fingers, toes, eyes - the lot! Cheers!.

@NUke Dad - I'm gonna have to google I'm afraid!

@Kelley - Are you drunk?

@Jane G - You're very welcome, the very best of luck with the cycle!

@River - Thank you muchos!

Fate's Granddaughter said...

Oh dear. It has taken me too long to comment because I couldn't stop laughing long enough. You sure do know how to pull yourself (and others) out of negative-mode.

If you would like some good news, keep an eye out for my post today. If you're not in the frame for it, stay away from my blog this week.

Good luck, and Godspeed!

Momo Fali said...

I'm wishing you a date which will live in infamy!

Russ said...

Friggin' Hilarious X! It's good to know that you still have your sense of humor.

Being a 'merakin, I would say that the Shock and Awe would be the better approach (and sounds like more fun).

ORKMommy said...

One of your best posts by far! Good luck soldier. You'll be in my prayers!

Eurydice said...

ride on general. and don't forget to prop the conquered pelvis up onto 100 assorted pillows. give ET a really good magazine to read while she waits for the troops to sign an armistice with the elusive, seemingly inconceivably unconquerable egg.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Fate's Granddaughter - Congratulations on your good news. I've been to have a look, best of luck from here!

@Momo Fali - Infamy ! Infamy ! they've all got it infamy...

@Russ -I'd edging towards the fun route too myself... humour is very closely related to dementia I've discovered.

@ORKMommy - meaning the rest of the stuff has just been crap, yeah?
;0)

@Eurydice - Yes, battle weary bones shall be assuming the resting position, for tomorrow brings yet another wave...

About Me said...

That's hilarious! Go get 'em man.

Tismee2 said...

So it's time to put on my 'Go Spencer' T- Shirt again then?

Good job it's clean and ironed.

James Austin said...

Shock and Awe, definitely! Shock and Awe!!!

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

This is a great post...lol

March on solider

Alyssa said...

Your writing and wit are amazing. Great post and good luck!!!!

widdleshamrock said...

***Pulls out the pompoms***

Go get her tiger !!!!!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Here's to hoisting one for a conquering hero!

Marie said...

I'm SO amused. We're moving into cycle 8 now and I'm starting to feel the wear and tear (emotionally. what did you think I meant? geez. let's not get TOO graphic now, haha). I may print this out and read it to my husband! :) Brilliant post!

ps. my vote is with "shock and awe", but hey, I'm American. We do things big over here. Bring in the trumpets, the fireworks, the whole brigade. This is war, man, war.

tiff said...

Lordy, Lordy me. The imagery has burnt my eye balls out of mah sockets, boy.

Good luck with your approach.
May the war be won.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@About Me - Troops have been dispatched.

@Tismee2 - No clothing allowed.

@James Austin - Your vote has been counted.

@Snowmanpoop - Cheers!

@Alyssa - ...and your drug problem is affecting your judgement! Thanks!

@Widdle Shamrock - your pompoms are showing...

@Ed - Hoisting has never been an issue thank god...

@Marie - Cycle 8 eh?...ah the good old days ;0)
Thanks. and good luck.

@Tiff - Burned eyeballs...yum.

Married Leos said...

As usual, great post. Keep your head up. Literally.

Susanica said...

Hi Xbox guy. Just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you, or shall I say, all your swimmers. And their intended targets. -Monica

AnnD said...

Sail safely little spermies!!!

Stella said...

I love you.

You rock.

This is brilliant. Keep at it sister sledge! MAY THE FORCE ME WITH YOU AND YOUR RIPEN FOLLICLE!

stella said...

may the force BE. BE.

oi.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Married Leos - Thanks!, I will.

@Susanica - Thanks a million, I get weirdly excited when a see a new 'face'.

@AnnD - They are done with safety! they gotta go for it!

@Stella - I don't think anyone's every describe me as 'ricking' before... I'll take it!

Cheers Stella!

Tismee2 said...

What I have to go nekked? Oh dear, that will scare a few people away - well a lot of people actually, more like all of 'em.

Dorky Dad said...

I prefer the carpet bombing strategy. Good luck soldier. You'll come home from this war a man.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tismee2 - You win some, you lose some...

@Dorky Dad - With my shield or on it, type thing...

April said...

Good luck to your soldiers! May they fight valiantly and win this damn battle!!!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Just catching up xbox. Blimey you're a bloody good writer. I also think you would make a fantastic lesbian. Just sayin...

bsouth said...

God Bless indeed. I'm standing with my right hand clenched over my heart as we speak.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@April - Thanks! they have your good wishes in their, er, ears...

@Jo Beaufoix - I always wanted to be a lesbian, but I can't work a video recorder...

@Bsouth - Angina?

bsouth said...

Isn't there a terribly tasteless joke about acute angina? Might be right up your street.

Amy said...

Oh, my God.
You are quite mad.
And quite brilliant...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@bsouth - are you suggesting I have tasteless tendancies?

@Amy - and you, my dear, are HALF right...
;0)

Welcome.

bsouth said...

Erm, yes.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Bsouth - Well I never!