Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Bumps on tour

Holidays. Who doesn’t love them?

Weeks filled with parading around in flip-flops, swigging orange Bacardi Breezers, donning airport sunglasses, dodging sexually transmitted diseases, and publicly showcasing your questionable fashion sense.

That was how they went in the past, at least. Not anymore.

Now you are wallowing in maturity and impending fatherhood, filled with responsible notions and a sense of familial protection. In other words, you’re screwed.

It starts on the way to the airport. Or to the train station. Or bus station, rik-shaw rank, swinging-vine terminal, or whatever your chosen mode of transport happens to be.

Your lady friend is visibly ‘with child’ so there is no way on Lucifer’s lush planet that she can be seen carrying anything heavier than lip balm or a mobile phone in your presence. That leaves you lugging three suitcases up escalators, on and off two wheeled trolleys, and heaving their slippery-from-your-own-sweat masses up onto the check-in belt.

Should she even look in the direction of a suitcase handle, you will be struck down by the evil eye of public shame.

When you arrive on the other end, you must repeat the same physical abuse lest you become the recipient of ‘foreigner scorn’. That’s worse than normal scorn because it’s scorn with an accent, tan, and good teeth.

You then proceed to spend 7 hours of each day searching for the nearest acceptable bathroom, followed by 3 hours standing outside it, holding bags filled with maternity bras and trying desperately not to look like someone who should be reported to shopping centre security.

When you are finally out of the accusing glare of mall pervert-cam, you get your holiday reward.

You are free to walk the streets hand in hand with her of swelled belly fame, and nothing quite beats that.

Granted, it’s not a Piña Colada, inflatable donkey or a sombrero you are dragging behind you, but it is your entire family. Your whole family wrapped up in amniotic and uterine goodness. Safe and cosy inside a bump, drawing sheepish half smiles from the people you catch looking from face, to bump, to face.

Orange Breezers always tasted like piss anyway.


30 comments:

River said...

My, you're good at keeping secrets, aren't you?

nh said...

Sounds like you had a good holiday! Make the most of it - soon you'll be running around after your offspring.

Veronica said...

Ah yes, the scornful glares when a pregnant woman is caught carrying something. Fun times.

tiff said...

Don't knock the orange breezer, man.


Love that last bit about the whole family being with you.

Awwwwww.

Mwa said...

You big softy, you!

IrishNYC said...

We didn't go on any holidays while I was pregnant, but I did travel by train, alone and visibly very pregnant, from NYC to Boston and back again, and not one person helped me with my bag. On the way to Boston I had to lift my suitcase above the seats and had to actually beg someone to help me. Can you imagine?!

Enjoy the holiday now while the babe is still wrapped up inside. Travel with baby gear, even for one night, has already proven to be... interesting.

Russ said...

Ahh the memories! Man I don't miss that.

Hockeymandad said...

Don't be such a whiner. She's gotta squeeze that big thing out a little hole in her nethers. Carry other peoples suitcases and show some damn appreciation! HA! Also, breezers? I thought you were Irish. tisk tisk

English Mum said...

Blimey, you're pregnant.

Just shows how long it's been since I popped in here.

Belated congrats and all that jazz.

Lorza said...

"foreigner scorn"- that is funny!! Glad you having a good holiday with your family. :)

Lorza said...

"foreigner scorn"- that is funny!! Glad you having a good holiday with your family. :)

Lorza said...

"foreigner scorn"- that is funny!! Glad you having a good holiday with your family. :)

Ms. Moon said...

I remember that feeling of being complete so well. It was not exactly a feeling of smugness, although there was some of that. It was just...yes, perfect in its essence. Carrying a child inside- nothing ever so pure again.
Enjoy it all.

Ginny said...

Aaaawwwwww!!!!

(That is all.)

Immoral Matriarch said...

I never really knew you were such a sap.

iamstacey said...

What a sweet post. You're a secret softie. I like it. :)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Who is this gushy man and where has the old snarky guy?

I like this gushy guy.

womb for improvement said...

Barcardi Breezers and Piña Colada. You're a classy lad aren't you? Thank god the pregnancy has put paid to your boozing. (I assume you are abstaining in sympathy here).

Chris Mancini said...

Yes, sure it's two for one now, but traveling gets harder once they get their own seat. But for now, one word: Sherpa.

hotmamamia said...

Jeez louise...you barely had time to be away (I KNOW you didn't make it to Pittsburgh and you missed a flippin good time man!) This is your lot for life, dude...cause see, ET has to handle all the mega diaper/nappy bags, you will gleefully shlep the luggage for eternity...such is the lot of the dad. But really, a nice lot at that...you wouldn't want it any other way!

A Free Man said...

We went on holidays both times Dr. O'C was pregnant. I'm familiar with loos on two islands - one in the Mediterranean and one in the Southern Ocean. The latter were cleaner, but the former far more interesting.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

over here they call those Breezers 'leg openers'.

Obviously there was no need for that.

I am totally strapping on a belly suit for our next trip so MPS can feel the scorn.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@River - Mmmm, yes.

@nh - :-)

@Veronica - fun my arse.

@tiff - ;-)

@Mwa - lies, all lies.

@IrishNYC - that sounds desperate!

@Russ - careful now!

@Hockeymandad - Behave.

@English Mum - Cheers thanks!

@Lorza - not funny on the receiving end!

@Ms. Moon - exactly.

@Ginny - meh.

@Immoral Matriarch - Yes you did.

@iamstacey - no I'm not.

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - bite me.

@womb for improvement - hahahaha, bless you

@Chris Mancini - I like the sherpa idea. Cheers, and welcome!

@hotmamamia - maybe, er, next time...

@A Free Man - I can name the best in Montreal and most of the North Shor of Long Island, now.

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Yeah, 'strap one on'...

Jane G said...

Tell ET I said to enjoy it while she can. Soon enough she will be lugging baby and buggy all over town.

Putz said...

YOU ARE NOT going TO TELL US, are you????????????????????you *)&^*()(()()^()()((#%@*(*

Jenni said...

you're whole family - very sweet.

Sue said...

This is really beautiful. :-)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - heh, no fear.

@Putz - In short, no.

@Jenni - shhhh.

@Sue - Cheers.

Susanica said...

So I tend toward the wanting to carry and do everything for Susanne when she is pregnant, but she reminds me frequently that pregnancy is not an illness and short of lifting super heavy things she is actually quite capable until she gets into months 8 and 9 when she's just pretty bulky and off balance. I am also reminded of my Peace Corps days in Guatemala when extremely pregnant women would trek miles up and down mountains with baskets of food on their head and I am reminded that most women are stronger than you think. Maybe your wife is taking advantage of your fear of foreigner disdain? ;-) -Monica

Karen MEG said...

Oh you just wait until baby joins the picture, then you'll wish you had a few more arms.

I hope you and ET are enjoying the knowing smiles and happy looks as you pass. I'm sure they are coming your way...