Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Vag 101

To celebrate being 22 weeks up the duff and having a very attractive foetus, ET has wandered off into the night and gone to her first class.

Taking into account the very real possibility of a translation error we are hoping it’s an antenatal class she's gone to and not motor maintenance or HTML for beginners.

What do they actually teach at these things? I’ve only ever seen what the occasional sitcom has to offer and that usually ends in one of the characters being horrified at the thought of what lies ahead.

I hope she doesn’t come back horrified.

I hope she’ll learn all kinds of wonderful things like how to push a human out of herself, how to not need stitches, and how to behave like a lady at all times during labour.

I hope she comes back able to huff and puff and blow the house down like they do on the telly, with a whole new vocabulary of purposeful ‘uuh-uuh-uuuuuhs’ and ‘aah-aah-aaaaahs’.

I hope she comes back with a healthy glow and a perineum that could strangle a small woodland animal.

I hope she comes back with a set of lady muscles that could beat me in an arm wrestle.

Most of all, I just hope she finds the bloody place.


44 comments:

Christa said...

Why aren't you going with her?

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

The only good thing we got out of our "pre-baby" classes was that the instructor turned the lights down at the end and instructed the hubbies to massage our backs while we did deep breathing.

Basically, I fell asleep every time. ;-)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Yes, Christa, why isn't he going with her? Here in the civilized world of the land of Americus, dads accompany the preggos to classes.

Also, if she needs help "finding the bloody place," it's a wonder she ever got pregnant. (It's between her legs, btw.)

Mick said...

We didn't go and regretted it once the baby was born. Very worth it apparently!

I thought husbands and wives went together!?

Hope she finds it worthwhile...

Kori said...

It's a little early in the game to start making her go to all of these things by herself; are you selfishly claiming work? At night? At home? hm....I never went to any of those classes and I seemed to have done all right-I read books, though, and watched a very horrifying moveie.

Ms. Moon said...

I can only chorus- why didn't you go as well? You are going to be with her in labor, right? You'll need to know all the mysteries in order to assist her in the delicate process which we call "labor" because SHE IS GOING TO BE WORKING HER ASS OFF AND PUSHING A HUMAN THROUGH HER NETHER PARTS AND YOU NEED TO KNOW MORE THAN HOW TO HOLD HER HAND!
Well. That's my experience, anyway.

Veronica said...

I'd like to echo Ms. Moon's comment.

mammydiaries said...

This is the only thing you will need to know when your wife finally goes into labour on your lovely babe... "DO WHATEVER THE HELL SHE TELLS YOU AND DO IT AS SOON AS SHE TELLS YOU TO. DO NOT QUESTION HER DEMANDS."

Also, being online or reading a book or chatting about bikes with your dad during active labour is NOT recommended.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Bloody hell, you've sent her off alone? Since when does the impregnator get to opt out of the classes?

Hockeyman said...

Why not man up and go to the class? Don't tell me you fell for that "men aren't allowed" bull-crap. That line is just a front. If the man buys it, she meets up with her friends at a strip club, or worse...

Sarah said...

Um, excuse me friend....why arent you with her???

womb for improvement said...

Oh Xbox, look what you have done. The backlash has started. No longer are you the 'man who understands' now you are being lambasted for abandoning your wife. You'd better have a bloody good reason ...

Mwa said...

Yeah, why AREN'T you with her?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Christa, Angie, Kori, Ms. Moon, Veronica, Middle Aged Woman, Hockeyman, Sarah, Mwa - While I do enjoy a nice preaching session, you can bite me.
It's a class for the mother to be. Simple. There will be a partner evening when partnres, i.e ME, will be invited.

Don't let me delay you, there must be another conclusion that needs jumping on

@Colleen - Mommy Always Wins - you lazy mare!

@Mick - Different places, different courses etc. This seems nice and general. It will be a help I think.

@mammydiaries - Noted!

@womb for improvement - it's like a scene from MacBeth.

River said...

Yes, why aren't you going with ET?

River said...

Oh. Just read your reply to all the others...

frogpondsrock said...

hehehehe Don't worry XB all you really need to do in the delivery room is withstand the torrents of abuse that will be coming your way.

Edith said...

"and how to behave like a lady at all times during labour."

hahaha..
yeah right! Dream on!

I do have a question though, why didn't you go with her?? LOL

I've decided not to go to one of those classes. I'm gonna do pregnancy yoga at home.
All those pregnant women gathering around... brrrrr....

;)

Minze said...

My antenatal class was all essential oils and candles and relaxation techniques. About as useful as a deck chair in a tsunami. What turned out to be useful during labour was, he held my hand and squeezed it hard (for some reason that made the pain more bearable) and he reminded me how to deep breathe. The rest was caveman stuff. Getting me things, propping me up, helping me walk, and if our midwife hadn't been the sweetie she was, he'd have been the one to bully her into being sensible (=PAINKILLERS PAINKILLERS PAINKILLERS).

What would have been helpful is a POST-natal class on how to handle an exhausted woman and a tiny baby who shits black poop.

Dan said...

We went to some. The main benefit was that we knew what was going on and what the nurses meant when they used various terminology.

Kerry enjoyed the classes and still socializes with the people who went. I found it all a bit too middle class and stopped going after a while. You could probably teach what you need to know in about three sessions, and miss all the essential oil crap out.

WeaselMomma said...

Try not to arm wrestle with her lady muscles. That's what you are paying the doc for!

Russ said...

I don't know if there was a bigger waste of time than the prenatal (or antenatal as you call it) classes. The ones we went to seemed to be designed to make the husband as uncomfortable as possible. Like wearing "sympathy suits" and other stand in the corner and think about what you have done type stuff.

Susanica said...

I'm sure you'll be going to some classes too down the road. They helped up both a lot. I am right now rereading the classic book "The Birth Partner" which was a tremendous help to me when Danny was born. Highly recommend. -Monica

http://www.amazon.com/Birth-Partner-Everything-Through-Childbirth/dp/1558321950

AnnD said...

Yeah, the first commenter hit my first thought on the head too.

And, why sir, were you not with her?

But, I read on and saw that it was for women only. And that's cool.

Hopefully, they are more helpful in your country than they are in ours. In the U.S., it is so OB centered that the focus is on what to expect when you have an epidural or a c-section! If you want more specific classes about natural childbirth and labor....good luck locating them if you live in the good ole' U.S.A.!

geeksinrome said...

You have no excuses. My man went to prenatal classes in a lannguage he didn't understand so I could have my way with the translation.
"You're supposed to bring me chilled wine and kiss my toes even when I'm swearing at you 'WTF have you done'"

These pre-natal classes can vary greatly according to the mentality of the instructor, so hopefully she, I mean you TWO, have found a fairly progressive kind of midwifer who advocates all sorts of naughty yoga-ball-rolling and consumption of fluids and solids.

and the really, REALLY good prenatal classes teach you what to do with a baby: like swaddling, feeding, changing....

good luck and we expect you at the next one or you're toast.

geeksinrome said...

ok. now I see. no men allowed. well that's lame. They're probably plotting how ET can best slit your throat in the labor room then...

michelle said...

Maybe they want to inform moms-to-be of the risk of pooping on the bed BEFORE dad's are privy to that tidbit.

It's a beautiful thing

jothemama said...

Why did she go alone?

There's quite a lot to learn about how labour all works and how to make it go smoothly. And what makes it better. You need to find out about that, if you're going to be there.

Perineal massage is all about NOT strangling small woodland animals, and you need to know how to do that too, it's very hard to reach on your own. You can joke, but a torn perineum isn't much to laugh about. Believe me...

Christa said...

Pissy pants.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@River - *cough* yes....

@frogpondsrock - I'm well trained at that already.

@Edith - You...behave yourself.

@Minze - THAT sounds more practical, I presume and hope they'll go in htat direction too!

@Dan - too middle class :-) Love it.

@WeaselMomma - No, that's what the universal wonderful health system we have is paying for :-)

@Russ - Sympathy suits? what a load of Oprah inspired drivel.

@Susanica - Yeah they have partner evenings, so the big bad men can come along.

@AnnD - yeah, indeed it is a course given by two nice midwifeish people.

@geeksinrome - Hhhmmmph yes, maybe!

@michelle - That little beauty we already discovered!

@jothemama - Maybe you should arrange classes for men.

@Christa - You just wait until the incontinence sets in....

hotmamamia said...

What Christa siad...you ar mmssing some grade A porno style flicks and shit!

It doesn't really matter what you learn cause when she is in labor, she is going to look at you with venom...LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME....DON'T TOUCH ME....GET IT OUT already....so much to look forward to, so soon!

Tanya said...

Mine was excellent. No breathing techniques or anything, just a lot of info on exactly what happens in labour and birth, a bit of info on babies and keeping them safe and happy, a lot of info on pain relief for labour, info on caesarians, forceps etc and they had a few couples bring their babies in to the class so we could ask questions. They also talked about post natal depression, and how to get through the first year or so with a new baby. It made me feel confident about having a baby rather than scared!

Quickroute said...

tut tut - sending her off on her own

I think you should just "hope she comes back" period

Jane G said...

So how did she get on? And when do you get to go?

James (SeattleDad) said...

Not a couples thing? You need to get on board, X.

Deb said...

"...a perineum that could strangle a small woodland animal."

I'm speechless. First time ever.

Kat said...

Wow. I clicked to comment in order to say something about going with her, you kind of need the information too, blah blah. But I see that 36 thousand people have beat me to it.

Ms. Moon said...

Please forgive me dear. I know you will be the most humble and helpful of all husbands in the world when the time comes. I have no doubt of that.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@hotmamamia - As I've said before, it was a doctor, not me.

@Tanya - That sounds brilliant.

@Quickroute - You. shut it.

@Jane G - Yeah fine, it was an introductory night, laying out the 8 weeks of the program, Dunno when the partner evening is yet.
Late in the course I'd imagine.

@James (SeattleDad) - No, not a couples thing.

@Deb - Silence is good sometimes ;-)

@Kat - AND I explained too!

@Ms. Moon - Is that sarcasm there my dear ;-)

MissyBoo said...

What are they thinking excluding the father??? Man, I wish when I used to teach parent education, I could have excluded the men!!!

Blues said...

I'm confused.

Where did she go?

Do they teach you how to deal with your vag in Lamaze? I thought it was all about breathing, I had no idea it was all vaggy related.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@MissyBoo - Not excluding per say, just focussing on the important bits.

@Blues - It's 101 variations of the same thing from what I can see. Lamaze is breathing, but you have dozen of other approaches.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

I also wondered why you didn't go with her. HA. Wife and I went to "Bradley Classes" and I had to be at EVERY ONE. They put a huge emphasis on the partner helping and being the voice during labor. It was good bonding times. I enjoyed it.

ET's obviously in a different class. I wonder if they'll show nasty 1980's birthing videos when you go. FUN!

Stella said...

hmm....the needing stitches part will be tricky to get around!!! ;-)