Monday, 25 January 2010

Foliage

Over the past few years, ET has become accustomed to being, let’s say, ‘looked at’ quite a lot.

As embarrassing as such events always were, she has always been brave and willing, not to mention she always ensured everything was well maintained.

Of course, as they are wont to do, time and circumstance take their toll.

Keeping things in order down there while heavily pregnant seems to be about as easy as trimming the fringe on an nervous monkey while blindfolded.

As a result, nature has taken its course, and reclaimed the territory previously tamed by the hand of man. This in itself isn’t an issue, it’s a matter of personal taste even, it can be worn as a symbol of one’s German-ness, or as a badge to signify membership of the 1970’s pornographic motion picture society fan club.

What is an issue of course, is modesty. Not to mention the fact the poor child would be in serious danger of strangulation when it pokes its wee head through my wife’s great life-giving portal. We’d need a team of Australian bush firefighters in the delivery room to clear the child a path to safety.

So, partly because I am the greatest spouse that ever existed, and partly because she ordered me to, I gifted her a session at her favourite massage, beauty and Enya’s-greatest-hits-playing parlour.

There she would avail of the ‘Mama Massage’ for women about to blow, something not to be confused with the ‘Big Mama Massage’ available up the road in Amsterdam for men about to blow. More importantly, the session is to include a certain amount of personal foliage landscaping, where the good ladies of the establishment in question would don protective eyewear, then hack and battle their way through the excess undergrowth of the most Amazonian of undercarriages.

I was admiring this mental image, as you do, when another one bossed its way into my frontal lobe. What would the scene be like, if my heavily pregnant and amnioticly blessed wife’s waters should break right there and then?

Some poor beauty college graduate, herself wearing only the finest of cosmetics, would be half way through her masterpiece, sawing and waxing, hacking and trimming, when all of a sudden she gets a face full of foetaljuice.

Assuming she knows how to swim, would she finish the job? Would the gift voucher remain valid? Would the half cleared emergency exit be deemed a fire hazard and force the hospital to opt for a C-section?

Would this child ever just get out here already?

3 weeks, 2 days.



Join the masses of the weird and wonderful, if you haven't pinned your pink or blues to the mast, do so here.

45 comments:

Kim (frogpondsrock) said...

methinks the pressure is getting to you.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Read midwife for beauty college graduate, and you're describing my son's exit. Midwife got half; the wall got half. A good thing you're past shame at that point. Really.

ru said...

Ew....I have the most terrible of mental images. I hope she wears a snorkle :)

Amy said...

From my understanding, unless the 'foliage' is bright pink or in the shape of a bird of paradise, the midwives have seen it all.

Anonymous said...

Man, you've got a way with words. Absolutely love it. Your baby will be very blessed to have you as a parent. Never a dull moment. Keep it up! A BIG ADMIRER OF YOUR WRITING SKILLS, SOUTH AFRICA.

Veronica said...

In danger of strangulation? Unless she's got a mess of Medusa like snakes down there, I think the kid is safe. Your eyes though? Probably not.

Jo said...

God.

Just... unleash the hormone power and kick his ass, ET. Don't hold back.

Barbara said...

Tee-hee! Not offering to do it yourself then?

Tara R. said...

I went through many varied and sundry emotions reading this one... it will be most welcome once baby Fritz finally does arrive.

AnnB said...

Has ET read this?

Mwa said...

You are very funny, but also kind of sick.

Sarah said...

OMG. I would KILL you, if you were my husband. Just sayin.

Corkmum said...

I agree with AnnB!!!
4You leave your dignity at the door of the maternity hospital and pick it up on the way out...but aren't you having a home birth anyway or is that another blogger (xbox)? I had the indignity of being trimmed in the hospital by a midwife as they prepped me for an emergency c-section-which in the end I didn't need as they vacuumed my daughter out.....oh the shame...

Catherine said...

Hehe brilliant post. "ET" must be the world's most understanding wife though!

And Corkmum is completely right, I was given that advice too and it really helped.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Jo said "Just... unleash the hormone power and kick his ass, ET. Don't hold back."

I 2nd that nomination.

Russ said...

You are a brave soul. Or insanely daft. My wife would have had her head on a platter (which one, both most likely), had I the nerve to discuss her, er, foliage.

That said, no worries, the mid-wives have seen it all, or you could take matters into you own hands and so some pruning for her.

WeaselMomma said...

You are an odd bird. Yet, you amuse me.

battynurse said...

For a minute there I thought you were going to say that she ordered you to do it and I was just going to die laughing. Still giggling a little bit though. Does she know you discuss her girly bits here?

Jane G said...

I'd be wary if I were you. Writing about the herbacious borders of a hormonal and heavily pregnant wife. Could have very serious consequences. John would be getting, at the very least, the broken telly treatment (picture and no sound) from me if he shared that kind of info with the world.

Poppy said...

She's a wise woman that ET. Getting all that pampering before pushing out the spawn of Xbox :)

And especially for not allowing him anywhere near her lady bits with sharp objects!

AnnD said...

I think YOU are the lucky man! My poor hubby had to help me with that task before Jameson was born. Maybe I'll have to tell him about the gift certificate for a massage and, er, trim if we are ever blessed with a 3rd.

Erin said...

Once you're in the delivery room, the foliage will be the least of your worries. Do you know how big 10 centimeters is?

B said...

Sweet Jesus these things grow faster than I imagined, disappear for a month or two and return to find it this far.
...and I always thought soap operas sped pregnancies up.

Fantastic post, I hope I didn't miss a whole load of ones as clever as this one... or maybe I just forgotten how good they all were.

womb for improvement said...

But Dahling, it's all about the retro muff this season.

Buck said...

Indeed, the loss of visual contact with the lady parts is a sad day. What is even sadder is when you regain visual contact, via a long mirror post-shower, and realize that things have taken a turn for the worse.

I may have to put a lawnmower on my baby registry.

darcie said...

O. M. G.
OMG.

Quickroute said...

ah sure it'll nice and warm down there

River said...

Much like the brushes in a car wash, the foliage is probably necessary, to help brush the excess fluid off the baby as it makes its way into the world. Why else would mother nature be so generous with the amount of foliage provided?
Ha Ha.

Ms. Moon said...

Daddy X, this post was very hard for me. I remember back in the bad old days when women did not groom their nether glories and the only times they were shaved was when they gave birth. For some reason, doctors believed that a shaved woman's vagina was more sterile than a non-shaved woman's and thus, before a woman gave birth, she was shorn for no reason whatsoever and it made us feel humiliated.
Then doctors became more "enlightened" and women were given what was called a "poodle cut."
As if a vagina could be sterilized. I'm sorry but I think that when a woman is pregnant and her nether regions grow to amazing proportions it is...amazing.
I'm sorry, Daddy X- but this old hippie says some things are meant to be.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Wow, 3 weeks? That is 'No Time' territory.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kim (frogpondsrock) - ye reckon?

@hairyfarmerfamily - universal!

@ru - now now ;-)

@Amy - and then some!

@Anonymous - Thank you, I appreciate that. Welcome.

@Veronica - Hey, don't judge.

@Jo - Deep breaths.

@Barbara - I don't have the equiptment.

@Tara R. - :-)

@AnnB - Of course, why?

@Mwa - Like that's news.

@Sarah - that's very aggressive.

@Corkmum - That ain't us, that's for sure.

@Catherine - She's not the worst ;-P

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - god forbid you have one of your own...

@Russ - a little bit of both I think...

@WeaselMomma - Like an ostrich...

@battynurse - I discuss little else!

@Jane G - You are a tetchy bunch...

@Poppy - see, you get it!

@AnnD - Hmmm, poor chap.

@Erin - Hey, I can't tell what 8 inches is...

@B - Sure aren't they all savage ;-)
You're absence has been noted sir, hope things are well.

@womb for improvement - Until I see it on Oprah I won't believe it

@Buck - nice....

@darcie - What's up?

@Quickroute - That's for sure!

@River - There's a visually assisted theory if ever I heard one...

@Ms. Moon - Well I'm just glad we've come a long way from then

@James (SeattleDad) - You're telling me!

AnnD said...

Try to write something every day. Even if it's just like: "We're still here. No baby yet." Cause you are at the point where many (me included) people will probably be checking in every day to see if the baby is here or she is in labor yet. And if a few days go by without a post, we are going to get all giddy!

areyoukiddingme said...

Don't forget to schedule a post-delivery massage (you know, a couple weeks after little Fitz arrives) and grooming...

Susanica said...

Actually, when you say "So, partly because I am the greatest spouse that ever existed, and partly because she ordered me to, I gifted her a session... your claim of being a great spouse is completely negated. (Although you're still a fine spouse I'm sure ;-)

What I'd really like to find now is ET's blog. You know "Xbox4NappyRash--The True Story" Every one of your posts from her perspective. That's content I'd pay for! -M

Putz said...

do you know what you did that was really neat, you let us shy ones who don't force themselfs to give opinions on what thet think your boy i mean baby is going to be girl boy or other and in a nice way everyone gets to give their opinion even though it is a for gone conclusion that it is a boy, a big boy, not a tiny one...us shy ones need an avenue for expression

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@AnnD - Where would be the fun in that !

@areyoukiddingme - I plan too, I could do with a good rub down...

@Susanica - heh, not likely...

@Putz - I wouldn't have pegged you as shy Putz...

Ed said...

Stones, my man. Stones. You've got big-uns.

Alyson said...

My colleagues now think I am either deranged or...deranged really.
I have never been known to snort when I laugh, but I'm certain I just did - ahh the images you create!

Jessica said...

This post had me cracking up! I went to my wax lady the whole time I was pregnant, and she knew just how to take care of me. I had the "foliage" cleared just 5 days before from my I gave birth, that way it made my son's welcome to the world a just a little bit smoother. Coincidentally, I had colored my hair and got my nails done the day I went into labor, so I guess a little but of vanity doesn't hurt when trying to get the the baby to make it's appearance, too!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Ed - ;-)

@Alyson - My money's on deranged.

@Jessica - Oh stop! she'll be at the hairdressers next!

Blues said...

I've often thought about what will happen in the hair department down there when my time comes. You know if you don't stay up on that stuff it get's really hard to manage.

Jessica said...

@ Xbox4NappyRash - I went into labor as I was leaving the nail salon. We were on the way to the hospital within two hours - baby was born 12 hours later!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Blues - Plan ahead!

@Jessica - 12 hours wouldnt be so bad!

Breigh said...

hahaha Dude, you must have the most forgiving wife ever. I'm surprised you risked this with her being pregnant and all... or is it just that you can outrun her?

A Free Man said...

I'm guessing that your missus is a huge fan of your blog, what with its intimate descriptions of the state of her nethers.