Thursday, 28 January 2010

Footsoldiers

I’m on hoof duty.

Another seldom spoken of characteristic of late pregnancy is the inability to remove one’s own footwear. Several times a day I have a heel thumped onto my thigh with the command to ‘take it off’.

Thankfully, this week’s beauty parlour session included a pedicure, so the trotters that I am faced with the task of undressing are fine specimens. I suspect the pedicure was only thrown in to distract ET while the landscaping crew were changing shift, but I’ll take all the help I can get.

This role has enlightened me, made me wiser. I understand now that the term ‘barefoot and pregnant’ is not an indication of status, but rather an sign that the lady in question couldn’t convince anyone to drop to their knees at the flash of a hoof.

The putting on and removal of socks, slippers, and shoes all fall under my remit, none are tasks to be taken lightly. Pitfalls are many, and traps are easy to plunge into. You pull from the band, not from the toe. Socks must be ‘unrolled’ onto the feet of the fire breathing incubator. Any other method risks the unseemly catching of cotton and toenail, and guarantees your head will be slammed against the side of the desk.

The symbolism of the stance that is taken to perform these duties is not lost on me. Man taking position at a pregnant woman’s feet, adoring, serving, and obeying, but mostly terrified of getting a flat heeled shoe to the temple.

This little piggy patrolman fears for his well being.

2 weeks, 6 days.

Quick, time is ticking, if you haven't pinned your pink or blues to the mast, do so here.

32 comments:

Lorna said...

No one could accuse you of counting down the days!!

AnnD said...

I laughed out loud when you referred to the pedi as being a distraction as the landscape crew changed shifts!

You are just too freakin' funny!

I looooooved being pregnant but I always hated how I had such trouble putting on and taking off shoes and socks during late pregnancy. With Jameson, I only used slip on shoes but with Emma, I still put on tennis shoes and I remember how the laces used to be tied inward on the show, toward the center of my body. It looked ridiculous but that's all I could manage.

I am getting so excited for you and ET!

AnnD said...

on the shoe, not show. ooopsie!

Russ said...

Funny, my wife never needed me to don or doff her shoes for her. Then again, she relegated herself to slip on shoes by the third trimester.

Ms. Moon said...

And do you clean the bath tub as well?

Hockeymandad said...

Haha, you fell for that? Oh man, next thing you know you'll have to cook and clean too.

Sucker.

areyoukiddingme said...

Generally, the barefoot has more to do with swollen-beyond-the-reach-of-shoes feet.

But, I'm glad you're finally learning your role. Fire-breathing incubators make fine teachers.

Geeks in Rome said...

I started wearing slip on/off shoes when I got preggo and never went back. Maybe you can get ET a sexy lovely pair of... crocs!?

Rebecca said...

Just wait till the baby comes out.....I was even more helpless once I gave birth because my middle felt like Jell-O.....I really needed help getting dressed and stuff after I delivered. ......It was awful. Good Luck!

Barbara said...

The husband used to refuse to tie the laces on my trainers so I switched to slip on shoes. I've never looked back, although referring to them as slip on's does make me feel a bit old.

People in the Sun said...

Shameful. Stuff like that is reason enough to leave it all behind and go back to the Xbox.

(okay, I do it too. But only when she wears boots.)

Thanatos said...

Seeing your last post and this one, don't you regret you aren't unshaven and barefoot hippies from the good old times?

Putz said...

all that attention will pay off, who will be the beifactor, I JUST DON'T KNOW

swile67 said...

will we get to see a photo of this baby when he/she comes out?!!!we've been cheering you guys on for so long!!!

James (SeattleDad) said...

And yet you are just getting started my friend.

Monty said...

Well, if only you had a foot fetish, this could have ended up as the highlight of the year.

Veronica said...

I had the farrier round yesterday...

Oh wait, you weren't talking about actual hooves were you?

On bad days, I still make Nathan do my footwear for me.

Edith said...

Sucker!!!

;)

River said...

This is the time when slip-on shoes and slippers are the best idea ever. Although in your snowy weather they're probably not warm enough. Good to see you're not shirking in your duties there. Rolling the socks on properly is a real art.
2 weeks?? *how exciting!*

Mick said...

I remember the shoes and socks part very well. When the wife used to lay there like a royal whale and wait for her shoes to be removed.

Women always have it easy... ;-)

2 weeks WOO-HOO

Mick said...

I just read the "I'm on hoof duty"

That's bloody hilarious

wildhare said...

ET is officially on my list of Amazing Women I Would Love to Meet.
She a) inspires your amazingly funny blog, b) manages to get you on your knees, and c) puts up with you.
Great stuff!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lorna - 19...

@AnnD - they definitely needed a few breaks, at least.

@Russ - Hmmm, lucky

@Ms. Moon - Bloody thing is NEVER used.

@Hockeymandad - meh

@areyoukiddingme - :-)

@Geeks in Rome - Nooooooooooooooo!

@Rebecca - I'm sure she'll love hearing that...

@Barbara - how'd he get away with that!

@People in the Sun - I'm gonna give it a bash this weekend actually.

@Thanatos - Bloody hippies. Worse than students.

@Putz - not me, at a guess!

@swile67 - yeah I'll google a really cute one and stick it up, ye'll never know...

@James (SeattleDad) - who're ya telling!

@Monty - more of a phobia in reality

@Veronica - too many jokes....

@Edith - Behave!

@River - 2 weeks...

@Mick - A royal whale! I'd say she'd love that

@wildhare - hahaha.

Ali said...

At least you know your place.

You know the countdown is very worrying. How will you manage if ET ends up 42 weeks pregnant? You have to go with the, er, flow, if you know what I mean.

Hyphen Mama said...

XBOX, you kill me. You are certainly putting the best spin on living with a pregnant woman I've ever read... and I WAS the pregnant woman a coupla times.

I cannot wait to see how you spin your experiences with meconium and colustrum.

Alexicographer said...

Aren't you living in the land of clogs?

Then again, if you already fear for your safety ... ;)!

Sinead said...

I can't believe how quickly the pregnancy has gone! I still remember the disappointment I would feel with you after unsuccessful cycles. I think this baby is the most anticipated in the blogosphere!

GinaLicious said...

Crocs....pregger's best friend. hahaha!

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

My wife used to apologize to me for needing help putting on socks and shoes. Who apologizes for needing help? In hindsight though, I'd rather her say sorry than demand my help. Glad everything's still coming along nicely for ya!

livingrightnow said...

LOL I remember it well.

2 weeks 6 days!!! WOOHOO!

-Tanya

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

bwahahahahaha. Okay I'm pretty sure I could always reach my feet.

But this post was hilarious! ha!

You came and commented over at Real World Venus vs. Mars and I followed you back.

I'm liken it yes I am :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Ali - You trying to drive me demented?

@Hyphen Mama - are they Gweneth Paltrows kids?

@Alexicographer - danger lurks around every corner

@Sinead - The time aspect is weird, sometimes seems like the years it has been, other times its a flash

@GinaLicious - No. Never ever.

@Joe @ IrrationalDad - You must have been very mean to force apologies from her... shame on you ;-P

@livingrightnow - and counting...

@Shelle-BlokThoughts - heh, welcome!