Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Commie bastards

Today’s word of the day is; Kraamzorg.

It’s not a planet from an episode of Battlestar Gallactica that you missed.

Neither is it the battle cry of a borderline extinct sub-Saharan tribe of bushmen warriors, nor is it a brand of industrial weed killer.

I can’t guarantee you that it will never be the name of a Geldof child, but I can tell you what it is in the here and now.

Kraamzorg is the Dutch system of after-birth care for mother and child.

It begins when the mother and child return home after the birth. A nurse comes to your house daily for a week or so, to tend to the recovering mother, help with every single aspect of the first days with a new baby, perform light housework of cooking, cleaning , & laundry, and if necessary, tend to other children in the home.

When you return home with your bundle of joy or red faced screaming rage, give them a call, and a nurse will be on your doorstep, in your kitchen, wiping your new child’s arse, and peering between your wife’s legs –all within an hour.

The cost of the care in an average case(49 hours) is over two thousand euro, with even the most basic of insurance cover paying more than 90% of that. This means that the actual cost of a week’s care and guidance to new parents would be somewhere between one and two hundred euro.

Damn you socialist communist sympathising bastards for robbing us of the freedom to pay through the anus for quality health services and just providing it for us. Damn you to hell.

All this was relayed to us last Monday when the Kraamzorg came to our house to get introduced. She sat at our kitchen table gulping coffee and walking us through all the details. Being a firm believer in the adage that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is, I waited for the downside to come.

It came.

It seems our bed is too low.

In order for the nurse to carry out her duties, she needs the bed to be about 70 cm high. All manner of tricks were devised to avoid having to do it but there is no escaping the fact we need to find an extra 30cm of bed height from somewhere.

It was then that she gave us the details of where we could get the ‘klossen’ (bed raisers) for free.

Damn you backward universal health care system for thinking of everything, robbing us of the freedom to freak out over every detail. Damn you to hell.

4 weeks exactly.


43 comments:

Kori said...

I just really don't know how you stay living there. Really.

Erika said...

Fuck it. We're moving there.

Jenni said...

that sounds like hell. absolute hell.

Sarah said...

OMG. You poor man. How do you survive such hardships?!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

is packing her bags for Holland.

Ms. Moon said...

This just makes me want to weep.

AnnD said...

I just can't imagine living in a place like that. A place where the government cares more about their actual citizens than the all-might dollar really does exist! But, not here.

I definitely think Lil Fitz is a February baby. It would be too good to be true for the suspense to NOT last as long as it possibly can, much like his/her conception.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Are you saying that in addition to caring for its citizens, the government also takes care of its employees? Totally un-American. I don't know if I'm allowed to read this anymore.

Russ said...

AnnD, there still are a few days left in January! Both of mine were born between three and four weeks early.

Which is to say, any minute Xbox! Hope you have your bags packed and ready to go!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Depressive place.

You must have such a hard time with all the decisions that socialist government makes for you. At least that's what they tell us over here.

Also, I'm moving to Holland.

AnnB said...

So that's why they wear those wooden clogs.. they have to double up as 'klossen' when the need arises - those krafty clog wearing commies! Get home out of that god forsaken country before you get corrupted!

Jane G said...

Only four weeks? It seems like no length since ye made the big announcement.

Any jobs for accountants in Holland?

Betty said...

Right, moving to Holland right now.

(Seriously, I don't understand how anyone could think a system like that is a bad thing...)

The Sheila said...

I think you need to email the newly elected muppett from Massachusetts about this and see what his reaction is.....

American in Bath said...

Americans often tell me to go live in one of those awful socialist places if I like it so much. Permanent immigration not as easy as it looks. Thanks for the laugh and the ray of hope.

B. said...

Nosy, intrusive commies! I bet she'll sing red songs to Fitz and pump ET full of commie propaganda while she's recuperating.

If I moved there now, would I qualify for all this before Ishkabibble's arrival, anticipated in about 9 weeks?

Hockeymandad said...

Thanks for clarifying, I always thought that was the offical name of an alien anal probe.

Buck said...

Your just jealous that you don't live in a land where the health care system robs you blind.

Truth be told, we have excellent insurance that claims to cover 100%of the fetus' costs.

And all we have to do to keep this excellent insurance is give the insurance company the aforementioned first born fetus. It's quite the deal.

Mwa said...

The Belgian health care system is just as shitty. Thank fuck.

merinz said...

Good grief - do they hold your hands during delivery as well?

Rebecca said...

Couple of questions:

Is the nurse male?
Is he of the extremely hot variety?
Is he a mute?

That's all I really want. A handsome (male) nurse who is mute to take care of me and my things for a few weeks after birth.

Now, I'm off to look up euro to dollar differences along with the conversion of cm to inches. Yep, I was educated in an American public school. . .

frogpondsrock said...

Four weeks? Eeek I am not ready yet.It was six weeks to go only the other day? *starts to panic*

bsouth said...

Good lord, what wouldn't I have done for that level of care after a c-section and then the birth of the second child with the first one being still small enough to need wiping in various places. It's not fair!

Veronica said...

I think we cal all learn something from the Dutch.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kori - It's the cheese that keeps me

@Erika - Worse places to live....

@Jenni - It is, but we have soft drugs to ease the blow

@Sarah - I'm a martyr, I struggle on

@hairyfarmerfamily - Bring brown sauce

@Ms. Moon - Ah dont!

@AnnD - I think Feb is a safe bet!

@Middle Aged Woman - Should I expect a visit from the men in black?

@Russ - I think we have time enough sir...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - If you do, I'm out of here.

@AnnB - All in time....

@Jane G - Actually, yes there is. Insane how the time has flown though.

@Betty - It's not, simnple as that really.

@The Sheila - that lot can sink on their own!

@American in Bath - Welcome!

@B. - You wouldnt be DISqualfied anyway, put it that way.

@Hockeymandad - that's just your wife's name for it....

@Buck - I am, please please take all my money

@Mwa - :-)

@merinz - yes, and its free too.

@Rebecca - hahaha, I can't convert either to be honest

@frogpondsrock - I don't think the time pressure applies unless it's your vagina in question though

@bsouth - have you no self-control woman!

@Veronica - Yes, a good pricing system for prostitution services for starters...

Sadia said...

I'm so jealous. So very very jealous. Very very very very jealous. If I didn't have the most stupendously wonderful in-laws ever to grace the earth, my daughters and I might not have made it past the first two weeks out of the hospital.

(The stupid army sent my husband to training on the other side of the country as soon as we got news that neither of the twins was going to die. Without my in-laws, it would have been just me, recovering from a C-section, caring for newborn preemie twins.)

Susanica said...

Holy Crap X-box. I know you guys were trying for a very long time to get "knocked up" but, my God, sounds like you wore the legs right off your bed.

I bet those Hollanders (Dutch right?) have a whole new appreciation for the Irish now ;-)

Steph(anie) said...

I'm really beginning to wonder why my maternal grandmother's ancestors left the Netherlands. Morons!

Tara R. said...

Those bastages! How can you stand it?

hotmamamia said...

next she'll be asking for a step stool to get her arse up the extra 30 cm...actually, this is so amazing...it really is...as I watch our possible new health care plan go down the toilet here in the States.

Glad to be catching up on my reading and looking forard to the big day...all 7 lbs 11 oz + of it...NICE size baby...really a good size!!!

River said...

A week where the nurse does EVERYTHING? Sounds like heaven to me. Now if only she could do the birthing bit as well, to save ET the trouble.

People in the Sun said...

Now, I know what they did in Sodom, but maybe in Gomorrah they kraamzorged each other? In the butt?

livingrightnow said...

4 weeks exactly!!!

I cant believe they want you to raise your bed.

The health nurse who came after Emily was born had a look around the house and ticked off a list to prove that she would be in a safe environment, I thought that was bad enough!

-Tanya

mammydiaries said...

Good lord! Get thee back to Ireland immediately where the inefficiency of the healthcare system is outshone only by the exorbitant costs of private health insurance :)

Erin said...

It's a cold world over there in Europe. Now excuse me while I go sell my kidney to afford birthing a second child.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sadia - Ouch! thats exactly what they are for

@Susanica - Behave!

@Steph(anie) - I'll take a stab at 'the weather'!

@Tara R. - With fierce difficulty....

@hotmamamia - don't joke about the stool!

@River - that bit she can't outsource

@People in the Sun - Filth. Utter filth.

@livingrightnow - dont want nurses with back backs now do we!

@mammydiaries - exorbitant costs AND still patchy coverage I think you'll find!

@Erin - I read somewhere that it basically costs about 12K in Texas to have a kid in hospital?

Deb said...

Well. Jealous doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this whole thing.

Amber said...

Damn socialists and your damn socialist medicine. Don't you know that you're receiving substandard care? Sucker.

Just FYI, my LO was born all of a sudden 4 weeks early (and perfectly healthy, roomed with me and all that jazz). So I hope that countdown allows for surprises!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Deb - Dont make me feel guilty

@Amber - Yes rusty forceps and tattered bedsheets is all we'll see!

Lorna said...

Crikey, you'll never return to Ireland. i still miss the English NHS but that sounds amazing. Sounds a bit like the doula system which is starting to become more popular in Ireland but I doubt if health insurance pay for it.

Keith Wilcox said...

You're right, that sounds like some Spaceman Spiff Planet from Calvin and Hobbes. But, good to hear it's not deadly :-)

But, why does your bed need to be higher? And what if it comes up 5 cm short? Is that a deal breaker?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lorna - The difference is vast, and sometimes more than a little unjust.

@Keith Wilcox - I'm sure they'd allow a margin of scope, but the height is for a good reason.

Blues said...

Damn, I thought Spain was a step up from the US, but screw this, I'm moving to the Netherlands. What do I gotta learn? Dutch? Ah, shit.