Thursday 29 November 2007

Dad's Straw Poll

I want some info from you guys, and gals on behalf of your respective guys, if you are interested, I'd be as happy as a pig in... er ... a vegetarian colony.
  • When did YOU decide you were ready to be a Dad, not necessarily when you both decided to go ahead and have kids, but when did you say 'Ok, I'm ready for this' ?
  • Did you decide that you would just stop using (whatever form of) birth control and see how it goes, or did you actively try to conceive?
  • How long did it take? (bear in mind your answer may result in my face exploding)
  • How would you sum up your mindset (mental state for want of a better word) during your period of trying to conceive/throwing caution to the wind ?
I'm really curious, one, to get an idea of the norm for guys, and two, to try and gauge how how far off the obsession richter scale I've leaped.

...and to make it worth your while, the first person to suss out the connection with this entry and the picture here, wins... er... a... free potshot question at me. (hey I'm really cheap ok, get over it)


Miss Awesome said...

*I decided I was ready to be a dad, no scratch that, a mom at the age of 17, right after I found out I was pregnant.

*In order to conceive, not only did we not try, but we also remained on birth control for at least 3 weeks after conception.

*Knowing my ex, probably about 2 minutes.


Carolyn said...

Just so you know, the medical establishment says it isn't time to freak out until you have been trying for a year.

That being said...

We decided we were ready in April 2003.

We actively tried.

We have a 6 month old (as of Saturday). You do the math.

Hopeful, depressed, hopeful, depressed. We ended up doing IVF (you know, test tube baby) cause we had _problems_. But you know what? The whole thing was totally worth it. I'm not sharing this to depress you, I'm sharing it to tell you that whatever you need to do, however long it takes, it is absolutely worth it.

The Egel Nest said...

You have received the Egel Nest Award for blog eggsellence!

Come by and pick it up!


The Egel Nest

suchsimplepleasures said...

my husband and i decided, one night, to try...we tried...and i got pregnant...
my sister, it took a few months.
my husbands took her a couple of years.
you're going to get a zillion different answers and it's going to drive you insane. just enjoy the practicing of trying to conceive. it can be fun.

Lance said...

I can't remember when we decided. It was just time I guess.

I'm sorry, your face is going to explode. Almost instantly we got pregnant.

I don't have an answer for the last one because it happened so fast. But I can tell you I was in shock after finding out we were having twins.

Unknown said...

The Wife and I had a carefully laid-out plan -- five years of marriage, followed by a child. We figured that as soon as she stopped taking birth control, she'd get pregnant and all was well with the world (we hoped the deed would succeed in Ireland).

We were wrong. It took us over a year to get pregnant.

Anonymous said...

I just woke up one day and knew I was ready. It's hard to explain really, just felt right.

We just stopped preventing and kept doing the norm. However, I'm sure my wife knew when it was the right time of the month and would initiate. I prefered to be out of the loop and just hope for the best.

It took us 8 or 9 months.

Mind set...filled with worry if I was "really ready" and anticipation for what would come next...whatever it may be.

As far as the picture...I have no idea. If I see someone on TV wearing a suit and tie I know it will be boring so I turn the channel. Not even sure who those guys are. :)

Keep at it!

NH Yocal said...

We decided on kids right after we bought a house. We were married for a year at the time. I would actually say,I decided, my hubby was just playing along.

I stopped the pill, 3 weeks later, preggo (house was going to take 9 months to be finished, oops). We had settlement 4 days after he was born.

As far as mindset, we didn't get a chance to think about it (or reconsider), it happened too fast. That is the crazy thing about conceiving, it happens differently for everyone. And it can be good or bad depending on the person. It worked out okay for us but I think hubby would have preferred that we got to try for a few months. Second child happened the same way and he was really bummed about the lack of trying :)

Joeprah said...


As soon as we moved into a house together 23/24 ish I considered ourselves ready as did my wife. We needed more rooms than we had in our apartment first off. We tried for a while like I have mentioned before. My wife was diagnosed with endimitriosis (spelling?), had a surgery and we were pregnant. That process made us fast forward almost a year into the future. We have never had protected sex up to after my wife finished breast feeding our first child. I think her condition prevented us from having children earlier on. I think about those times constantly and about being a dad for the first time a lot. I wasn't ready, I just had a strong desire to have a family. It was time. You feel that way I can tell. I come from a disfunctional family and the first person that really showed me love on a consitent basis was my wife. I think having a family with her is the best thing I could have done with my life and I am glad I did.

What was the question?

Veronica Foale said...

I think Nat decided that it was a good idea when I told him that I wasn't going to take the pill anymore. I was just 17.

I conceived Amy within a fortnight of coming off the pill. Second time round is not easy though, we have been having regular sex and no contraception (aside from nursing) for 13mths.

I don't know what his mindset was, he certainly wasn't turning me down though!

Veronica Foale said...

I forgot to mention, Dr suggested having sex every second day (at least) rather than trying to time it. It makes for a better chance at conception because sometimes a woman can spontaneously ovulate outside of a 'fertile' time and other times they egg may only live for 6-8hrs. Every second day ensures that there is always fresh sperm available.

Don't know if you knew this, I didn't and was probably worrying about timing too much.

However I think it is a sacrifice I am willing to make. Either that or we buy a turkey baster.

Martin said...

Guys and Gals...

Serious thanks for the reactions, I'm gonna sort myself out and settle down and read through them all properly and I'll get back to you all in a bit. Thanks again.

btw that was Jack Straw (former British foreign secretary) with his Polish counterpart, i.e. Straw & a Pole...Straw Poll/Pole..geddit?...Meh...

Anonymous said...

Here's an answer from the other end of the Dad spectrum for ya (and it's entirely true)

When? I didn't. I was an accidental dad, and became a husband as a value-add.

Did you decide that you would just stop using birth control? No I was lazy and stupid (but in retrospect, the best 'decision' I ever made).

How long did it take? Pretty darn instantaneously. Too instantaneously.

How would you sum up your mindset? I'm running on fumes right now, there's nothing in the chamber...

I affectionately refer to that year as my "WTF did I get myself into?" year.

-- BusyDad

Martin said...

@Big Momma Pimpalishisness -

Honest and quite funny, thanks. Your poor ex eh?
Thanks for answering, call again ;-)

@Carolyn -
I've read the official line millions of times, 12 months etc.
But I'm getting a real funny feeling about how things are going, and if there are going to be problems I'd rather know sooner than later.
All I can say is you've got greater patience than I'll ever posess judging by what you say.

thanks for commenting, its helpful.

@The Egel Nest -
Well well well, I'll be over asap. thanks very much.

See folks, moaning does get you places !

@suchsimplepleasures -
would it be harsh of me to say I hate you?
I'm kidding, honest.

I'm trying to stay relaxed and just enjoy it, and I do, very much so, but its in the time around when we discover it's failed again I go stir crazy.

thanks very much for your input, its very much appreciated.

@Lance -
**BOOM !**
yeup, there goes my face

at this stage Id take quads just to avoid having to do this all over again !

thanks for the answers, helpful.

@Dorky Dad -
This is a bit more what I can live with, no fumble in the car park and bam!, and no 17 years of dementia.
I think I'll use you as my model, just cut 4 months or so off.

Yeah, that Ireland thing is a crock, as I've discovered...

@Jared -

Thats it exactly ! thats whats happenned me, Ive no idea why, but I know its 100% right.

I wish I had stayed out of the loop also though... save myself a hell of a lot of face ache...

@Melinda Zook -
One of may many canspiracy theories is that such a long time on the pill has kind of screwed us up a bit, 9 years much take its toll.

thanks for the answsers, its helpful to read this.

@Joeprah -
first thanks for the frank answer, I can actually really understand where you're coming from there about the desire to have a family.
While I would be reluctant to call my family dysfunctional it certainly wasn't what I would wish for anyone else.
Mother passed at 10, father, while not a bad guy, was just a useless and otherwise occupied dad. Brothers had already flown the coup and the sisters soon followed, so ET was the first real "family experience" that I'd had.


One big difference is the age though, at that age I concntrated on 'getting out' and building some kind of a career/future. While I do regret not seeing the light sooner regarding a family, I'm glad I have build up some stability for any one that will follow.
The opposite of my own youth.

As always Joeseph, very insightful, thanks.

@Veronica -
Thats a remarkable story, such an easy conception to begin with and not so easy now.
Makes me think age is a bigger factor than I anticipated.

I do wish we started this whole thing sooner.

As for the squechly, we aim for everyday, and therefore if we miss one here or there we are still 'probably' safe.
THen again there are theories that daily could be too much, not enough recovery time for the boys.
Plus ET is as regular as clockwork so I don't know where we're going wrong

worrying actually.

THanks for the help V. Much appreciated.

@BusyDadBlog -

Last but not least !

I'm a bit surprised, I would have laid money down that you had everything perfectly planned, but no....
Thanks for the honesty, its an eye opener.


A real range of stories and backgrounds, I'm genuinely cheered up by the volume of the responses and humbled by the honesty in them. These are after all very sensitive and personal subjects for everyone

I owe you all one...

Many thanks.

sierramom said...

I'll squeak this one in because you are just too darn quick to reply to your comments!

DH is 4 years my senior so he had been thinking about kids for years before I was "ready". As it is, I'm still not sure I'm ready or ever will be but I wanted to be a mom somewhere in my bones and when you know that much and have your life partner in agreement there's really no good reason to wait.

I planned the when part. I was still in school and didn't want to be dealing with pregnancy during my filmmaking so I went off the pill with one month to go in the semester thinking it would take that long to regain any semblance of fertility. I was pregnant within three weeks. We bought ovulation tests (they all came back negative) and gave up trying to figure out the timing. We had sex once the week I actually conceived. It was Cinco de Mayo and I had gotten drunk on mariachi music and Bohemia beer. :P

When I told DH about the pregnancy, he was happy but I could tell the relief that we could stop "trying" and manipulating calendars and checking dates and pee sticks, was the bigger happiness for at least a few weeks.

I imagine we are all given exactly what we can cope with. Perhaps you have just a better than average skill at waiting for good things to happen. Surely, though you talk about going nuts, you are really doing a great job at keeping your spirits and those of your wife positive and interested in the pursuit. ;)

Martin said...

Hey keep them coming! the more gorey details I mean helpful experiences, the better.

I think we may just go out and get hammered tonight judging by some of these drunken stories, at least I KNOW I can get that right!

As for being given as much as we can cope with, whoever is measuring that is cutting it pretty fine!

thanks for the answer monique, it's appreciated, & good luck in the coming weeks, it'll be worth it!

Anonymous said...

Somedays (like today *SIGH*)I still don't think David thinks he is ready to be a father!!!

THe first set of twins took 3 years.
Lily was the immaculate conception. We fell pregnant without really trying and found out when the twins were 15 months old.

After that, it took another four years for the baby to stick around until term but, he only stuck around for five days after that.
Ivy and Noah took about a year and we were temping and charting like pros by then. We were every second day people. What was different about the month we conceived? The only thing I can put it down to was a glass of red wine every night before doing the deed.
As for the feelings. I'm not sure about David. He probably was more worried about how he would cope with my reaction if we hadn't succeeded for another month. I tended to go off the deep end and moan and wail and gnash my teeth...alot.

Martin said...


You know, I have buckets of respect for what you've achieved, if we could handle ourselves with half as much composure as you have I'd be happy.

listening to that I guess a year or more is not uncommon, I need to just calm down a bit and not worry so much.Easier said than done mind.

As for David's feelings, I can understand. For the potential dad, it's kind of double edged, not only do you have your own feelings to contend with but the protective instincts kick in and you just want to stop your wife from hurting too.

Thanks for the input tiff.

Unknown said...

I really wish I had gotten to experience what it is like to be pregnant because of actually wanting to have a child and actually trying to get pregnant.

My first two were unplanned blessings. No effort to get pregnant but no effort not to either. Just too much stupid fun I guess.

After I had my 2nd I got my tubes tied. I had a boy and a girl and I thought I was done. I really didn't want another child with their dad. That was a a good thing.

After I divorced him and ended up remarried I really, really wanted to have another baby but couldn't. My husband did not have any children of his own and I knew he would like to have one even though he said being step dad to my kids was all he needed.

After 5 years together I brought up the idea of adoption. It took about half a second to agree. One year later we adopted our son.

So, really I am not much help on this subject for you. I can tell you that eventually, one way or another parenthood will come. Whether it comes easy or hard, sooner or later is not the important part.

Kim @ TheBitterBall

Martin said...

Kim -

thanks for your story, very honest.

Funny how people differ, you say you wish you could have planned a pregnancy, we wish we could just fall over one lol!

you've done a wonderful thing in adopting, an incredibly selfless act.

thanks again for your input

Doodaddy said...

Ready to be a dad? I'm not sure yet. Either never, or when I was about 25 and started teaching. I don't think that "ready" really entered into my thinking.

We did various timing methods and ovulation prediction tests.

It took us a year, and we suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks and probably another one, too.

Our mental state was mental, especially around the miscarriages. We tried to stay positive. We changed OB-GYNs a lot. We did some nice light couple's therapy. (Yay.) And now, apparently, we're through that particular tunnel.

Martin said...

@DooDaddy . not ready yet? Lol. You're ready, no doubt.

Another year-er, interesting, makes me a bit calmer, but then I read about miscarriages and I lose it again...

I know that the whole process can really strain a couple too.

Thanks for the very frank & honest input.

Ashley said...

1. Hubby decided he was ready for a baby around...oh...well right after we got married. We tried for over a year and nothing. Which made us want it even more.

2. We actively tried by charting and doing the temp thing (there's a nother step I won't mention in that too that I did)...and then found out I wasn't ovulating. At. All.

3. Well...we got married in May 05 and had Lorelei in April 07.

4. Once the docs threw the "infertility" word at us (or me), I was pretty much devastated. Of course, they use the word quite easily, so I maybe shouldn't have freaked out quite so soon. BUT...we were both quite fearful. Being a mom was like THE dream for me. We did discuss that if we couldn't have a little one of our own, we'd adopt.

But, every time we saw a little kid or baby we'd just wince and look at each other and hold hands. It was hard on both of us. Steven already had the kids clothes all picked out and we had names all planned...all of that...

Sarah said...

* please dont let his face explode* We've been trying for about a year. Nada.
We're just now looking into the medical side of things now.
I really like being able to read the male side of all of this. I keep spewing forth bits of your blog to my husband, and told him to "look you up". We'll see if he does....

Foster Mama said...

* We decided to stop preventing but not actively trying until we were married. We figured it take a few months to get the BC out of my system.

* Same as above.

* We've been trying without success for 20 months this cycle. We've had a few tests done and are having more in the near future.

* At first I was excited but the longer it has taken the more depressing and aggrevating it gets. With every new announcement of a friend and family member that tells us they are expecting it just gets worse.