Monday 14 January 2008

Not wanting to want

While I'm still working on my post about my (frankly fabulous) hair for DooDaddy, I got to thinking about why the blog spark has started to fade.

I'm barely checking my reader, comments are few and far between and as for updating this malignant rodent of a blog, I am struggling to muster enough interest.

The question is - "what's changed?"

The answer is - "nothing". Absolutely nothing, time continues to pass and the disappointments accumulate and build and become heavier burdens to bear with each passing month.
The frustrations lead to undirected anger and therefore to silence, longer and longer periods of silence.

Which way do I turn?

Should I continue to dust off, jump up and start again, over and over. Blindly pretending against my natural belief that ignorance really IS bliss, or should I allow what I fear is already creeping in to take grip. Not wanting to want.

While I desperately want to tell myself to brush the moth balls from my, well, balls, and get on with trying to retain some ounce of testosterone, that really is what January has brought, an instinct to block it all out. All the day dreams, the ghostly imagined giggles, the lists of names never to be claimed, the blog entries full of excitement and pride, the online photo galleries never filled, and the small hand that never gets held.

With none of these running around my mind I get through my day more efficiently, I don't double take when I see my neighbour returning home exhausted from soccer with his 7 year old catching a piggy back, I don't live in dread of the news that will inevitably come next Monday, basically, I don't want to want.

But who am I kidding?

EDIT: Tuesday 15 Jan 10am
Just to clarify, we are most definitely not giving up or stopping, that was never in question.
It's just the energy to keep trying that's fading, SO much energy required, more mental than physical.

Many many thanks for your comments, it's quite touching.


Lance said...

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't stop. Just move back to Ireland to find your muse.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

After 2.5 years of trying and heartbreak, I totally understand what you're going through.

All I can say is don't give up. The fun's not nearly started yet.

You'll get there. Somehow, someday, you will. Really.


Veronica Foale said...

It is hard.

Monday? I will be thinking of you. This month is it for both of us.

Anonymous said...

If we lived on the same continent I would be compelled to buy you a beer and trade a few war stories.

You know you can't give up. As Hilary said, "You'll get there", and you will.

Your time will come my friend and when it does you will wonder what happened to it. Thankfully you've got this blog to look back on and shake your head at.

This isn't how the story ends. I've read the book. Keep trying.

Doodaddy said...

At the risk of putting my foot even deeper in my mouth (did I really tell you to write about your hair?), one thing I did during my years of waiting to be a parents was to borrow other people's kids -- a lot. I was super-uncle, mentor, babysitter over and over and over. It wasn't the same, of course, but it was distracting for a bit, at least.

Unknown said...

No. Don't borrow other people's kids. You'll never be a parent ;)

I think the time you spend trying to have a child is the slowest time ever, except perhaps the time spent standing at the DMV. And it's like monthly disappointment. I remember that. How annoying.

But it'll happen. Your bodies just aren't used to it yet. (Seriously, that's what my wife's OB-gyn said to her.)

Anonymous said...

I don't wish to sound insensitive, because I don't mean to, but maybe it would do you good to have a little break from trying for a while?

I'm not suggesting you give up completely, just try having some fun together for a while. Forget about the whole fertility thing for a month or two.

If that sounds offensive, I apologise. It's just a thought.

Anonymous said...

I know you are feeling down, my friend.
Good to hear you are not giving up.
Sometimes, you need to do things (like block it all out)to help you get through that pain.

Please don't stop blogging though!

Russ said...

Keep it up man! (sorry, had to do it.) My next door neighbors stopped trying and adopted two sisters. Once they relaxed and (I'm assuming here) sex became fun again, they popped out a baby. Once they knew they could do it, they moved on to twins. Now they have five children, all girls. I'd shoot myself, but that is just me. I mean even the dog is a girl, the cat is a girl, and if they had fish, I'm sure they would be girls too. Not that there is anything wrong with girls (we have one on the way), but five girls plus a wife is a lot of hormones in one house. Damn that stream of thought writing.

Anywho, moral of the story, relax and do it! To hell with Frankie goes to Hollywood! Hell, get drunk, works for teens here in the US.

PG said...

Yeah, what they all say.

Don't lose heart man.

Joeprah said...

Holy Moly! Dude, you have my best thoughts and at least a couple of prayers. I feel for you man. You sound like you need a drink and a game of grab ass with some friends...or maybe just a drink. LOL.

Anonymous said...

you can write about whatever the hell you want cause i'll keep reading. you're funny, and my job sucks so you can't stop.

Anonymous said...

Since I cannot buy you a beer, like so many of your loyal readers, all I can do is offer you a little time tested man-spiration:


Risin up, back on the street
Did my time took my chances
Went the distance now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

[ffwd a bit]

It's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight
Risin up to the challenge of our rivals...


frog ponds rock... said...

gawd!! don't go getting all blokey and silent on us now...

not when I have just discovered your blog.. and added you to my feed thingy ...

cheers kim..*sigh*