Thursday 17 January 2008

Your Cup Runneth Over

Yet again inspired by DooDaddy, (you're on a roll!) I started to wonder about stuff that might happen further down the line. That is if I don't dismember myself through frustration first.

Fertilty tests.

Now, bear in mind I'm not being unsympathetic or anything, I know that the ladies get poked and prodded something fierce, but MY concern lies elsewhere.

....Namely, filling the plastic cup.....

A few things would bother me.

-What if I saw someone coming out of the room they usher me into?
Thats just gross, I'd be afraid to sit anywhere, I'd have to stand, and that's just impractical. Honest, try it, it's difficult not to fall over, and a nurse running in upon hearing the thump and fining you on the floor with your pants around your ankles is not great for the moment.

-How would I know they're not watching?
Perversions aside, surely they'd need to verify where the sample 'came' from?

-Do they provide reading material?
If so, is it of sufficient quality. You see I live in Holland, and the Dutch are, let's say "forward"about these things.
Not a day goes by when I don't catch a glimpse of someone or other's wobbly bits on terrestrial television, therefore my 'titilation' levels are higher than you're average fat white man

-What if I were to miss the target?
How big are these things? I know from days long passed that my aim with most firearms is inconsistent to say the least. Would they come and scrape up samples from the door handle, or TV remote, or carpet? What if they scraped up the previous guy's wandering sample by mistake?
I mean, as over dramatic as I may be, I don't fancy living in a Whoopie Goldberg movie.

-What size is it?
What if it were really small and started to to overflow? or worse still, what if it's really big and they needed a microscope to even see the sample, never mind analyse it?

-How much is enough?
A teaspoon full?, a shot glass full?, enough to drown a mouse?, tell me damnit!

-How long should you stay in there?
If you "exit" too quickly they're bound to think you're a bit freaky and perverted and snigger at you.
If you stay too long they're going to be mumbling under their breath that it's no surprise one of the blighters hasn't taken hold if it takes you that that long.
Whats the right length of time in order to maintain your dignity?
Is that even possible as you're standing there in a queue at reception, all puffy and red faced, with the product of your teenage shame in one hand and papercuts from 'Bridget Does Boston' on the other.

-Would I even remember how to do it?
Would they allow partners in to assist?

-Would they accept a tube sock for analysis?

-How would I explain it all to Granny?
She always told me if I kept touching it, it would fall off.

And for all the great comments last time around, thanks very much. In summary, women think I need to relax and most of the guys think I need to get drunk and partake in some homosexual activity, or steal children. I'll think about it guys, honest.

And for when I start moaning, take plenty of no notice, after all, I'm a bit of a wanker.


Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Let me tell you what I know from our personal experience:

1. I think the clinics are very aware of who is coming and going so you will probably never risk seeing anyone else coming or going. It's a confidentiality thing.
2. Watching = lawsuit
3. Yes, reading material provided - but it is pretty tame, like Playboy, so if you like that raunchy stuff you have to BYO.
4. No chance of you missing that target.
5. Size doesn't matter. I think they can analyze a sample smaller than a dime, but they prefer more. The first part of the ejaculate is the most important (i.e. contains the most sperm)
6. "Enough" is enough.
7. You stay in there for as little or as long as you like, and you escort yourself out when you're done.
8. Yes, most clinics will allow the partner to assist. And even better, many places allow you to collect the sample at home and then bring it in so long as you can get there within the hour.
9. Tube sock - likely no, but you could try!
10. My advice would be not to mention this to Granny. Unless she's into this kind of stuff.

PS - hysterical post, btw.

Love, Hilary

Anonymous said...

OMG! How can you take something so clinical and sterile and turn it into the funniest thing I've read in a while?!?!?!?!?

You are the master! I could add a b.a.t.o.r. here but that would just be crass - ok, so I'm crass).

Seriously though. I don't know what it is like in Holland but here, we just aquired the sample from home and then took it in. Alot more relaxed than in a cubicle.

Martin said...

@Hilary -
I can't believe you've answered them all quite seriously.

Thanks and Heee heee heee....

@Tiff - 'Sterile' eh?

Oh you're a real funny woman today...


Veronica Foale said...

Dying laughing. Fantastic, shall have to farward this on to Nat if we need it.

Also, remember if you collect the sample at home, you have to keep the sample at body temperature for the drive into the clinic. So wear loose pants ;)

Russ said...

That was funny! Blissfully, I haven't been in that position, but the general mind-jobs I gave myself preconception of my boy had me wondering similar questions.

Anonymous said...

Having been in this pickle myself let me tell you:

1) You are allowed to take a cup home.
2) The cup is about the size of a whiskey glass.
3) Keep it warm on the way to the clinic (put the cup under your armpit)
4) No romps in the hay at least 24hrs prior.

Good luck. Study hard!

Graham said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doodaddy said...

Apparently, according to my friend, "there are towels all over the room." Does that help any?


Unknown said...

Your GRANNY told you that?

I don't even want to think of the idea of having to perform into a plastic cup. Rather frightening, frankly.

PG said...

Too funny! Great post.

Have never had to provide my junk for that reason, but when I got rendered useless I was allowed to bring the cup home and bring the sample back in once things had been sufficiently flushed out to make sure the little buggers hadn't built a bridge.

Good luck man!

Stacey said...

I love the very real questions you pose on your blog! I am forwarding off to my husband since I know this is what he is asking himself also...he will be off doing this very thing pretty soon. Great writing!

Craig D said...

This reminds me that I should send a dozen red roses to my girlfriend, Kimberly Clark!

Anonymous said...

just think of the story this will make for grandkids.

"that's right sweetie, your daddy/mommy started off on the floor and then into a cup and then into a dish and then into your parent. ain't that neat?"

Anonymous said...

I saw Ben Elton do a rather amusing stand up about this. I think he wrote a book about the whole fertility thing too - Inconcevable or something.

Johnny said...

I am with PG, Only had to sample once after I had the Big "V"

Martin said...

Wow - lots of cool comments, I'm well chuffed, thanks.

I'm amazed that so many of you have actually done it, I would never have thought it.

so to ALL - thanks for the comments.

@Stacey - good luck with it! I must head to your blog and catch up.

@Dan - yeah, veronica has also mentioned that one.
If I can get off my lazy arse tomorrow I'll head to the English bookshop in the Hague and pick it up.

@Johnny - I am SERIOUSLY impressed with your reading today! I received comments from you over a 2-3 hour period on posts back as far as May, that's some serious work man!
Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

Johnny said...

Dude - When I decide to follow someones blog, I read from the beginning on.. LOL

NH Yocal said...

I am sorry I have no advice although I am still over here chuckling like mad. You are one silly man!

Sarah said...

I laughed almost to the point of tears.....good grief man!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

My husband will Love this post. I know I did. It has been over 12 and then again 8 years since we went through all of this. We still remember well the lack of dignity and modesty. You kind of just get over that. If you don't mind, I may link to this post on my reminded me of a story. Good luck with everything.