Tuesday 12 February 2008

The Container Dilema

Right, call me obsessive, but this is starting to freak me out...

You've seen the size of the container, and it's NOT good.

How do I actually go about filling this bloody thing, or more to the point, getting anything actually 'into' it.
As most women can testify (pun intended), the need to grab the nearest tissue, or towel, or curtain, or family pet, to clean up these messes is enough to prove that directing this stuff is not an exact science.
Trying to hit a target no bigger than a 50 euro cent coin is going to be a challenge, to say the very bloody least.

Someone mentioned a funnel - OK, I could live with that, but then you've got the issue of contamination.
The last thing I want to have to do is put the results into an online 'Dutch to English' translator only to discover that the lab thinks I'm loaded with fatal amounts of motor oil or some such.
Before I know it, I'd be spreadeagled on some laboratory table being poked and prodded for tests and hailed as a walking talking tin-man.

It's been suggested to boil the funnel before hand.
That's a non-starter, I'm not putting any of my bits near any object that's been recently boiled. That's a guaranteed Mr Floppy moment.

I was thinking myself more along the lines of duct-tape, but the possibilties for disaster, along with physical and mental life long scarring to occur are far too great.

Then there's the issue of, how should I put this, 'performance'.
Let's not kid ourselves, these things rule themselves, the 'appendage' is the James Dean of the human male anatomy.
It does what it feels like, when it feels like it, where it feels like it.

This is usually not an issue as it usually does, indeed, feel like it.
It does NOT have an appointment book, and certainly doesn't appreciate deadlines.
Which is more than ironic, seeing as it can usually guarantee a speedy delivery better than UPS.

Even if it did, mine certainly does not take kindly to an 8am, Febuary 27th deadline.

To make matters worse, ET has taken to displaying the lab form and container in a glass cabinet in our living room, like some kind of heirloom, or speech & drama prize you win when you're 11.

I wonder how quick will she remove it when someone comes to visit....


Doodaddy said...

Man, don't you remember junior high? (Or whatever you have there -- "little secondary"?)

You wain until you're about to, ahem, and then position your wad of toilet paper. Except in this case it's the little cup!

I have faith in you.

Veronica Foale said...

I am laughing so hard. I promise I am laughing WITH you though.

Why is boiling so bad? It isn't like it would still be hot ar anything.

frog ponds rock... said...

Just shoot and hope..

No that doesn't sound any good does it??

Sorry fresh out of ideas here..

teehee kim..

Russ said...

I still like the funnel option. Just go and buy one and run it through the dishwasher (I have a sanitize cycle on mine for my beer making). When the cycle is done, you are ready for your self-flagellation.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

I think if you're very careful you should be fine ;-)

Martin said...

I think you're all giving me a headache...

@DD - bear in mind my 'little secondary' was a Christian Brothers School, there was no target practice.
and a definite yellow card for use of the word 'wad'. Eeeeuw.

@Veronica - Sure you are, sure you are...

@FPR - Shoot & Hope ? - I'm not the bloody LAPD.

@Russ - Mmmm Beeeeer. Sorry, I forgot the rest.

@Hilary - If I was worried about being careful this wouldn't be an issue!

Anonymous said...

The James Dean picture chugging the bottle of "milk" should not have been used in this post. Disturbing imagery.