The Container Dilema

Right, call me obsessive, but this is starting to freak me out...

You've seen the size of the container, and it's NOT good.

How do I actually go about filling this bloody thing, or more to the point, getting anything actually 'into' it.
As most women can testify (pun intended), the need to grab the nearest tissue, or towel, or curtain, or family pet, to clean up these messes is enough to prove that directing this stuff is not an exact science.
Trying to hit a target no bigger than a 50 euro cent coin is going to be a challenge, to say the very bloody least.

Someone mentioned a funnel - OK, I could live with that, but then you've got the issue of contamination.
The last thing I want to have to do is put the results into an online 'Dutch to English' translator only to discover that the lab thinks I'm loaded with fatal amounts of motor oil or some such.
Before I know it, I'd be spreadeagled on some laboratory table being poked and prodded for tests and hailed as a walking talking tin-man.

It's been suggested to boil the funnel before hand.
That's a non-starter, I'm not putting any of my bits near any object that's been recently boiled. That's a guaranteed Mr Floppy moment.

I was thinking myself more along the lines of duct-tape, but the possibilties for disaster, along with physical and mental life long scarring to occur are far too great.

Then there's the issue of, how should I put this, 'performance'.
Let's not kid ourselves, these things rule themselves, the 'appendage' is the James Dean of the human male anatomy.
It does what it feels like, when it feels like it, where it feels like it.

This is usually not an issue as it usually does, indeed, feel like it.
It does NOT have an appointment book, and certainly doesn't appreciate deadlines.
Which is more than ironic, seeing as it can usually guarantee a speedy delivery better than UPS.

Even if it did, mine certainly does not take kindly to an 8am, Febuary 27th deadline.

To make matters worse, ET has taken to displaying the lab form and container in a glass cabinet in our living room, like some kind of heirloom, or speech & drama prize you win when you're 11.

I wonder how quick will she remove it when someone comes to visit....

Odd Shoes

Hey Ho !

As you've all undoubtedly not noticed whatsoever, I've not written anything in a while.
The reasons for which are four-fold, as follows:
1) I could not be bothered, repeating the same old moany drivel over and over is bad for the soul.
2) Nothing to report, when I get to stage where I write about what I've eaten for dinner, you have permission to beat me to death with an old radiator or some such item.
3) We've been away, a nice long weekend in London in fact.
4) I've been waiting for a special reader to catch up on all the posts.

And now in reverse detail... I'd like you all to give a big Jerry Springer welcome to a new reader, a very special one too, my nearest and dearest, albeit somewhat demented, wife, ET.
I finally grew a pair and pointed her in this direction, she hasn't as of yet smothered me in my sleep or (intentionally) poisoned my food, so I'm thinking she's ok with it.

Hi Petal !

We headed off last weekend to London, just to relax, have a change of scenery etc and we took in a show. Not I'm not a 'musical theatre' kind of guy, but we went to see Wicked, and it was fantastic. If you are ever in town, go see it, trust me.

Anyway, onto the juicy stuff (I just KNOW I'm going to regret using that term later).
Last Thursday I had an appointment with my GP to discuss giving a 'sample'. I wasn't quite sure what would happen on the day and despite thinking that I was perfectly cool with it, I was a bit more nervous than I realised.
So much so, that I did something that I will never figure out until the day I die. I went to the doctors office wearing these...


I just know that the doctor was thinking that it was no surprise that I hadn't managed to impregnate anyone if this was the sort of coordination I have.

To make a long story short, in true Dutch style, I was there just to make an appointment to make an appointment to make an appointment, and the 'sample' will be handed over on February 27th. (8am for those who want to put it in their diary)

Now for the killer, while I was there, the GP handed me a lab form to take with me, and a 'container' in which to bring the 'sample'. Now, I'm no expert in these matters, and I'm certainly no porn star, but I have to say that as soon as I clapped eyes on this 'container' my heart sank, most likely along with my sperm count. Take a look at it and tell me what is not quite right...


Am I the only one who thinks that it's a bit... er... small?

Well at least I've two and a half weeks to work on my aim.

In The Zone

Much to my surprise I woke up today and discovered that it was Friday. How'd that happen then?

It's Amazing what keeping busy can do for you.

Anyway, we find ourselves back in the 'end zone' of the month, 5/6 days or so away from a bag of emotions like a stiletto up the backside or, well, I dunno what the opposite would be like, but I presume it'll be good....It better f$%*ing be !

Also good and surprising to note is that the insane panic and anxiety hasn't quite kicked in yet, and long may it remain at bay ! (cue mental breakdown over the weekend)

I've impressed myself to see that I'm down 7 kilos in as many weeks, which means that this baby making diet, exercise and 'how's your father' sessions are having some benefits. Of course there is the downside, I haven't got the stength to make a bloody fist most of the time I'm so shattered. But heh, I won't complain, cuz I'm a gettin' plenty !

So, the fact my human coil is racing towards emaciation from attempting to make a new one(cup of irony anyone?), what else is new? - Nothing, absolutely squat, and that's the way I like it.

Heads up and off we go again

With the now all too familiar couple of days of misery every 4 weeks behind us, we are picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves down again for another few weeks of baby factoring.
The one 'side effect' of all this is that I find it hard to see kids out and about, especially when with their dads, it sparks a wee shot of lonesomeness every time.

But Anyway...Our schedule has changed somewhat from the early days, when it was a case of as often as possible, every single day.

As fun as that was, it's just not practical for anyone not living in a commune, so now we are looking at 2 days out of every 3. Every other day seems to be the general 'rule'.

So hopefully this schedule should maintain quality and quantity of everything required and hold off the danger of things going stale.

Our diets are reasonably good, we are getting more and more exercise, and other than the kick in the nuts once a month we are more or less stress free.

What I'm curious about is have people been able to pinpoint any one change they made in their routines that proved successful?
Was there anything you started doing that you hadn't been doing that proved crucial?

Wrong Baby Recipe

No Alcohol
No Smoking
No Drugs
No Tight Pants
No Post Gym Session Saunas
No Stress
Missionary Only
Vitamin C for Antioxidents
Zinc for increased motility
No Caffeine
Chasteberry
Dong Quai
Buckets of Fresh Fruit and Vegetables
Carbs
Dairy
Meat
etc etc etc....

Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, have I seen it mentioned she should neck 3 pineapple bicardi breezers and he should slug 6 pints of cider before having a knee trembler against the graveyard wall.

Why not ? it works for the majority of 16 year olds round here....