Friday 6 June 2008

Coming all over Dr. Phil

Well Mr Fate was nice enough to give us the 4th of June, but we should have known that he had something up his sleeve for the 5th, the crafty git.

Not enough that I had to get my bloody braces tightened to the point that my hair hurts and eyeballs are bulging, but cycle 14 is finished, and failed.

No frustration, a little disappointment, a lot of sadness.

I'm glad it's over, it's been a particularly lousy one. A bloody hell. Literally.

So let me introduce you all to cycle 15, not the prettiest, but has a lovely personality.

Yet another of the 'No one told me that' moments is how it affects you as a couple.

People talk about how it brings you closer, and it does.
What they don't mention how hurtful you can be in the heat of the moment.

Spiteful, hurtful words, said, and taken, out of context.

People say I have a way with words, can you imagine the result when those words are fueled by anger, frustration, disappointment and sadness?

I can be be a hurtful bastard.

When I say things like "You either want it or you don't", the pillock that I am, I really wonder about how suitable I am for all this.

When I finally prized the baseball bat out of ET's fingers I started to think. Like, proper grown up thinking that adults do.

The thing is, I can't do this on my own in the way I want, and ET can't do this on her own in the way she wants.

We need to be on the same page, we need to know where we both stand, we need to know what we both think, we need to talk and listen and talk and listen and talk and listen some more, until our teeth fall out and our ears bleed.

Like a three legged race sometimes one person is a little behind and lacking in energy, or a little ahead determined to get on, but you both are both tied together and simply have to work together.

Ooooh, I've come over all 'Dr. Phil', (not 'come all over', you filthy minded beast)


Anonymous said...

See, I've never heard it brings you closer. I can't imagine the strain it puts on a relationship because it's such a strain on each person individually.

I can't imagine you'd have been able to get the bat out of my hands if you'd said that to me after cycle 14. But I'm glad ET didn't hurt you this time. You obviously have a really strong relationship, and if you think that's coming in handy now, wait till the kid gets here!

Dr. Phil has nothing on the blogosphere, darling!

Anonymous said...

I wish I could offer some more support, but I think you have heard it all already. It took us over two years worth of trying before we saw the Fertility Specialist and now we have twin girls. Try not to get too down on yourselves, think positive ( I know easy for me to say ).

Anonymous said...

My husband doesn't have the filter in his head either. Maybe it's a man thing. I hadn't thought of the bat though, I usually just throw keys at his head.

These are the hard times so if you two can get through this shit storm in one piece - which is what you're doing - then you can handle anything.

AnnD said...

I don't want to minimize what you are going through but it's totally normal.

In fact, if you can say that, in general it has brought you and ET closer, you are probably doing much better than other couples. But, fights and harsh words are bound to happen in any marriage...especially a marriage under stress and strain. I have a Master's degree in Marriage and Family therapy and there were entire chapters in our books in counseling couples who are struggling with infertility. We had class discussions devoted to the topic so please appreciate the fact that you are going through something terrible and totally unfair. When that happens, marriages may struggle from time to time.

You are constantly grieving each month when a cycle ends. Literally grieving like a death. Please hang in there. I'm all about going to therapy (obviously), if you and ET aren't already seeing a counselor, please consider doing so.

Also, you must give yourself some pats on the back because even after the words, it sounds like you realized you were "wrong," made amends and rejoined as a couple in some way. And that is what matters. Fighting and anger is okay, it serves a purpose. What doesn't serve a purpose is not acknowledging how it affected ET and you have already done that and criticized yourself for it. You learned your lesson. Don't be so hard yourself. Give ET a hug for me!

Korie said...

Yeah, everyone loses their temper. I'm the hothead when it comes to arguments in our house and I've learned that shooting my mouth off happens sometimes, no matter how hard I try for it not to. And the best I can do is apologize and be sincere. And like many others have said, I know at least two couples that tried for several years to have kids and they did end up using invitro and yes it was difficult for them, but they have children now and are very happy. It's still worth the struggle when it works out in the end.

Jenni said...

I had been wondering if all the TTC was taking a toll on the two of you. I think you have the right idea though - reasses, get on the same page, move forward together.

Putz said...

the reason you are so sharp with yourself and her to is because of the blame game, somebody must be screwing up and since i am the noble one, i'll take the blame and so you get cross, and et feels exactly the same(it must be my fault she says} human nature

Kori said...

You are right; neither of you can do it on your own, and even though the two of you are struggling with your own issues and might say hurtful things, I also think that you are smart enough-both of you-to take a step back and re-assess, and move forward. Good job!

Jo said...

My husband also has no filter when he speaks. He does however have fairly quick ducking reflexes. Which is good for him. Aside, heard something on the radio today that made me think of you. Apparently there is a young Dutchman who made the news for streaking. And whilst pushing his rear against a storefront window. The glass broke. So literally, what a pain in the arse. They said the store owner isn't pressing charges.
Anyway, hope it gave you something else to think on for a few minutes.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

I am so sorry ...

The strain sometimes is incredible and as a previous commenter said - perfectly normal ...albeit heartbreaking.

Very wise words too - you know Dr Phil has got nothing on you ... (well lucky that too because he can be pretty mean )
you know what is going on and where you went wrong at least the pages are turning.

Praying you will this race soon !

Petite G. said...

You know how I feel about your situation. Glad you two are trying to keep the lines open. It's hard to get pg by yourself. Unless you're that "man" who got pg. Who is he kidding? He's a woman! No real surprise there.

Hugs to you.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

My husband and I have never fought more in our entire relationship than we did when we were trying for a baby. It is such a difficult process, and I found that at times, it brought out the very worst in us. We both said some very mean things to each other in the heat of the moment. What I'm trying to say is that what you're going through is normal and very common. But I definitely remember all too clearly what it feels like to go though this, and my heart goes out to you.

Hang in there. This will all be worth it.

Momo Fali said...

My husband and I have been through some major, nasty events during our marriage...and in the end it does bring you closer. It's just that DURING part that sucks Dr. Phil's big, fat head.

Momo Fali said...

Not THAT head, you sickos!

Anonymous said...

First of all, I was HORRIBLY misled by the title of this post. You can't promise sick stuff and not deliver. You tease.

And I'd have to echo angel's comment: This is great training for later, when lack of sleep and crushing responsibility will do their bit to "test" your relationship. And I hope you're members of the club soon. YAAAAY, Cycle 15!!

Anonymous said...

Wait a sec....(1) your a guy, and (2) your Irish right? And we are supposed to be surprised when you say things out of frustration and perhaps a temper? HA. Of course your frustrated! Of course you and your spouse are having "issues". All I can say is keep your eyes on the prize. Of course its waaaaaaay easier said than done. I'm Irish (American) and Everybody in my family has a hot trigger temper. lol.

Anonymous said...

Over the course of seventeen years of marriage, I've said more than my share of stupid-ass shit. Somehow she's still there when I wake up in the morning.

I can't imagine the pressure you two are under. You are in my thoughts . . .

Anonymous said...

You know, it really does put stress and strain on everything.
Hugs,to you and ET, although I like the imagery of her with the baseball bat in semi swing...may have to try that one out on Dave...

Dondi Tiples said...

Talk about the "test of fire" of a marriage. I hope your marriage comes out stronger for all of this.

Talina said...

I know how you feel, N and I are going through the same thing. The sheer frustration and let down are enough to drive you apart too..

Keep your head up! Not that head you perv ;-P

Anonymous said...

I think those really hard times bring you closer if you can get through them without killing each other. That was certainly the case with us.

The trick is to know how to say 'sorry'.

Hope this month sees some hope return.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the only way to feel better is to vent. You just have to pick and choose your moments and make sure there are no bats around.

Karen MEG said...

The absolute lowest points in our marriage? The years of TTC and failing miserably. I can be one sour bitch, I tell you. Just ask my husband. But he can give it as easily as he takes it too.

These are the blips in the curve... when you look at it over the long haul, you will be stronger as a couple. Don't let it rip you apart.

Among the highest of highpoints in of our marriage? The phone calls when I told him we were pregnant (yes, he was away for work he first time; I was the second). I remember them like they were yesterday ... and they years ago, my friend.

You'll have your highs, you and ET, you will.

And yes, mind in the gutter, I could not help but snicker at that last line before you admonished me. Guilty as charged.

Hopefully, lucky 15...

Captain Steve said...

Dirty! But I bet that creepy bastard would enjoy it. I am sorry about this cycle, though, dude. Good luck on this next. Any luck on the reproductive help front?

Anonymous said...

Yup. Kinda hard to do it by youself... :D

@Momo: I'm pretty sure Dr. Phil only has one big fat head. :D That wanker urks me...

frog ponds rock... said...

well.... making up is always fun..

Anonymous said...

Just a note for ET. Baseball bats never work very well, try coffee cups to the head. I have had good results with that. Just avoid the windows.

Kevin Slazas said...

I am so tempted to comment on the angst and the smut in your post- especially that delicious title . . .
But I am feeling restrained and pensive this morning.
Dude, gotta question for ya: What would you two be doing and pursuing right now if you weren't ttc?
Whatever it is- get about it. Time's a wastin'. Keep goin' at each other like rabbits, but put the conception thing on the back burner of your minds. We know so many couples who WERE in your situation, and the conception finally happened when they decided to adopt, or just give up trying, or give it a break for awhile. Maybe Spencer's got performance anxiety? Who knows why, but a little less stress and structure seems to be good for the gametes.

YMMV, just another 2cents for ya.

Blessings to you both (and I have been praying, believe it or not)

Putz said...

do you know what a smart thing i think you are doing????you make each cycle an adventure like indy jones, you find some joy in the challenege of it all, and that makes you an extrordinary look somewhat forward, of course what else can you do, but still you have your eye on the prize

B said...

dr phil pales in comparasion to jeremy kyle.

since I'm bad at offering consolation and stuff like that I'm gonna quote the words of a wise person.

do you know what a smart thing i think you are doing????you make each cycle an adventure like indy jones, you find some joy in the challenege of it all, and that makes you an extrordinary look somewhat forward, of course what else can you do, but still you have your eye on the prize

nh said...

ummm... not to worry you or anything, but after 6 years of trying, knowing that we need help I still get that little glimmer of hope when AF shows up late!

As to the frustration, it happens! Hubby and I argue, and then sit and cry together. But we are stronger than if we'd been blessed with an easier path!

Martin said...

@Angel - 'This time' hahaha. I'll keep an eye out.

@Married Leos - Thank you, is this the king or the queen by the way?

@Carolyn - Keys? ouch. Thank you.

@AnnD - I wouldn't mind some of those books myself.
...and what's your hourly rate?

Thank you very much for your insight. It's very interesting to read.

@Lilacspecs - It's worth it, I believe so anyway. Thanks.

@Jenni - It takes a toll that's for sure. Harder every single time.

@Putz - You are a wise old chap, I'll give you that.

@Kori - Yes, we are smart enough, in the cold light of day, but the bad, darker moments are something quite different.

@Jo - I actually know a guy back in Ireland who had a habit of doing that very same thing after a few beers...!

@Baby~amore - Thank you, very much.

@Jillian - hahaha, thank you, it's appreciated.

@Hilary - I'm 'glad' you said that, if you know what I mean. It's like the unspoken side effect of the unspoken problem!

@Momo- Fali - Too funny. Just Too Funny....

@Prayingtodarwin - Thanks, honestly.

@Kittyconcerto - thing is though, I do NOT have a temper, at all. Weird.

@tysdaddy - Cheers sir, reassuring. THanks.

@Tiff - Sorry Dave!

@Dondi Tiples - I'm confident. Thank you.

@Talina - Yikes, good luck to you guys.

@Bettina - Me too m'am, me too. Thanks.

@wapat - If I was a yank I'd have loads of girly padding to protect me...

@Karen MEG - Thanks for the reassurance. It's needed & appreciated.

@Captain Steve - The help front is "under discussion". There are possibilities.

@Jared - you said 'wanker' dude...

@frogpondsrock - ;0)

@Veronica - If a window breaks, I WILL be pissed...

@Kevn S. - Thanks for the prayers, and the good intentions, even if I fancy strangling you for saying that!.

@Putz - You have a very unique way of seeing things sir, we should have a beer.

@B - You can learn a lot from that Putz, might not always be cyrstal clear, but he knows what he's talking about!.

@nh - Yikes, don't we know it. The good thing is we DO come around again, and get a bit closer still.
6 years? You are a stronger person than me. By far. The VERY best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Love what annd said and totally connect with it.

It is a grief. So hold each other and cry.

Sending baby making dust your way and waving my magic wand in the hope it helps.

We had a 5% chance of getting pregnant. It hurt like hell.

Light and love.

Unknown said...

Weaponry, hurtful words, aching hearts - yes, been there, done that.

Rather than TTC, we were trying to save a relationship that had an expiry date since day one. I was, then he was, then I was, then he was - but never together.

It wasn't until recently that regrouped, got on the same page and acted like partners instead of children, that things started flowing properly - the anger has been non-existent. Yes, the partnership sucks sometimes - all that talking about feelings and honesty, but the results are amazing.

Just never give up - or at least never give up at the same time.

Anonymous said...

You guys seem to have a great partnership, otherwise you would not have made it this far.

Anonymous said...

Not often I have nothing to say, so will just send a hug for you both.(()) That is a cyber hug isn't it?

Maggie, Dammit said...

Ahhhhhh, damn.

I guess when it comes right down to it you have to remember that the two of you were here first, and that you've already got that one person that matters most and you need to nurture that. Hopefully one day your family will grow but for now you can't ever underestimate the family that you've already got. It doesn't sound like you are - it sounds like you know all this already.

Many, many 'cross-the-pond hugs to you, my friend.

Sarah said...

My husband and I are actually in our third and final trial of IUI (then we move on to IVF) and reading you post completely reminded me of us. We are stronger because of our infertility. It tests us and makes us both realize how much we love each other, and how we want to be here together, but the emotional strain is amazing. Nobody can ever truly understand who has not had these issues.

By the way, I was sent here by Amanda over at Shamelessly Sassy and I will be lurking around here from now on. Thanks for sharing your story!

Anonymous said...

Ouch - I used to have braces - they bloody hurt when you have them tightened. Maybe you should have let ET have the bat - would have negated the need for braces.

Anonymous said...

Maggie told me about your plight - and your wonderful writing. I'm sorry to say I can't give any advise or words of wisdom on the baby front - I can however give some REALLY good advise on the braces (I know - least of your worries - but this works!). Take one Tylenol and one Advil. Makes all the pain go away without having to take too much of either one of them. You don't know it yet - but you will love me for this.:-) I've had by braces since January - and this tip has made all the difference.

Good luck to you. Maybe without the mind-bending headache to deal with, you won't be as short tempered.

Anonymous said...

I usually find that after a huge fight something valuable is learned about the relationship. Fights are there to open up wounds and pour salt into them, cos otherwise you get a nasty infection that lingers and evenutally destroys you- the pain from the salt is necessary, it means your relationship is still alive. See? No. I'm so not good at the Dr. Phil thing.

Anonymous said...

Hi Xbox4NappyRash,
I have become addicted to your website! You are a very witty individual, despite the sadness of not being able to conceive (yet). When you do become a parent this blog will be a lovely diary of the battle to become one and serve to remind your child how loved they are and how wanted they were. Anyway, just thought I should comment and not just be a 'lurker' as my partner would call me.

Anonymous said...

Ah if only to be on the same page were that easy! In my experience getting on the same page is simpler than it sounds - age difference is obviously a factor - her clock ticking (according to her) - your clock not ticking? - etc - argh! - can be a tad overwhelming at times!

Martin said...

@Widdle Shamrock - Just thank you, very much.

@Huckdoll - Your last line is really spot on. Really spot on.

@Jeremy - We've come a long way, that's for sure.

@Tismee2 - To be honest, that looks like something TOTALLY different...;0)

@Maggie, dammit - this is a real fear actually, what if we invest so much into this and fail, what is left in the end?

@Sarah - I've paid a visit to read your story and I'll continue to follow it.
The very best of luck to you guys this cycle.

@Bsouth - Let's call that plan B, ok?

@Sue - Don't listen to her, that maggie is a drinker I reckon.. ;0)
I also have managed to tackle the brace pain with cood old paracetemol and codeine. Nice...
Thanks very much for popping in, I appreciate it.

@K8 the Gr8 - Well, granted, things always seem better afterwards, but I wouldn't encourage it as a form of therapy!

@Sinead - Hi Sinead (Irish?), it's nice to hear from the quieter ones once in a while.
Thanks for the compliments, makes it worth while, it really does.
I DO really hope this is something we can hand over to a child in years to come, embarassment and everything!

@Quickroute - I know.
First you have the decision to go for it it the first place, which can take YEARS.
Then you have the nitty gritty, how long do we try naturally, what type of checks do we do, what treatment are we open to etc.
A minefield...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee, your last line and Momo's comment made me howl. (In a laughter way.)

Hope you're doing ok. I decided I should read more as I see you at Dan's and at the buzz and you are wicked - in a good way. Sorry it didn't happen this time.

Anonymous said...

Born in Cork, but grew up in Australia. Just returned from 8 years in the US and UK. I think I was frequenting the same dodgy nightclubs you were, in Cork, in the mid-90s!
I don't mean to be too forward here, and I am not sure if you guys have thought of the IVF option yet, but my sister lives in Sweden and works for an IVF clinic. She is heavily involed in research attends the European metings, and may know which are the best clinics in Holland if you wanted me to find out...

Martin said...

@Jo - Wicked eh? Naaaaasty!.

We are ok, 'as well as can be expected' is the term I believe.

@Sinead - Yikes, I would have been a Gorbys or Henrys freakscene goer from about 95-98 or 99.

I would be very interested in a few bits of info that your sister might be able to supply. Could you drop me a mail (address top-right)so I can reply with some info?

James (SeattleDad) said...

Been there X. You do make it through and it does get better. Just keep thinking of what you 'can' do rather than what you can't at the moment. It helped me!

Martin said...

@James Austin - Thanks, James. Nice to hear a 'been there' view.

Texasholly said...

Ugh. I could never think straight after braces were tightened.

Martin said...

@HRH - yeah, I'm like a constipated cat on a hot tin roof for the first 24 hours after a tightening.

Our Crooked Tree said...

I remember telling hubs once when it was time and he was not on my page "you don't want to have a baby with me do you?" he then said "fine, roll over".

You are a prince compared to that!

Our Crooked Tree said...

BTW...I was one of the filthy minds ☺

Miss Awesome said...

Welcome cycle 15. Here's hoping that cycle 16 gets lost on the way in and you'll be the last.

Deb said...


I'm positive I had some truly wise comment to share. But the Dr. Phil thing threw me off entirely, because that IS how I read it initially. Yikes. You can read minds! That little skill will come in handy when you have a kidlet.

Martin said...

@Our Crooked Tree - Ouch, a charmer!

@Big Momma Pimpalishisness - Better bloody well be. I've just about had enough!
I've been reading your name wrong all along by the way.

@Deb - Read minds eh? That could be handy for sure...

Rikki said...

Found you by way of Mrs.4444...

Just read a boatload of your are a wonderful writer (and have the ability to find a smile in a very shat-like situation).

I'm adding you to my daily reads..I want to see this through to the end.

You'll be hearing more from me (just ask Mrs.4444, I am a newbie blog stalker)!

Martin said...

@Rikki - Thanks very much for the compliments.

It IS a lousy situation but you just have to keep on, otherwise, you're screwed!