Monday 6 April 2009

Tubular bells?

What's going on in there I wonder?

One way or another it's a lot busier than a normal month down there, deep in the bowels of ET's reproductive system.

There's anything up to a half dozen eggs or so all getting in each other's way, borrowing each other's clothes, and bitching behind one another's backs.

Shuffling slowly down those fallopian tubes, standing on the pair of heels in front of them, inching along and impatiently cursing their fellow passengers.

From the other end, Spencer and his crew have made several attempts to negotiate the most treacherous assault course known to humanity. If any of the lazy, disorientated, mutant headed gits even make it to the final hurdle they are in for one hell of a shock.

Up to now the last remaining wank warriors have only ever come face to face with one unwelcoming egg, making it easy for them to avoid having to do any bloody work. This time however, the milky explorers will turn that uterine junction to be faced with a scene out of some bad science fiction B film.

Half a dozen clomidically cloned zombie eggs looming large before them.

If past performance is anything to go by, that sight should be enough to start the swimmers slamming on the breaks and looking for reverse. It just takes one though, one with a bit of a swagger about him, one jack the lad, one with an eye for the ladies and stomach for a challenge.

Pick your target young man, choose your egg, turn on the charm and go in for the kill. Let this be the end of it, stand up and be counted, make a name for yourself, be the one to succeed where billions of your predecessors have failed before you.

I think I need to find a theme tune for this, to motivate, encourage, and inspire. I'm torn between 'The battle hymn of the republic' and R-Kelly's 'I believe I can fly'. Unfortunately, ET has categorically ruled out allowing me to pipe the music in by sticky-taping my iPod to her crotch.

Back to the drawing board.


Anonymous said...

It's gotta be Queen's Don't Stop Me Now...

This fabulous little game has some nice sound effects of sperm dying horribly. It's depressed me no end!

Proseaholics said...

Wank warriors? Can you imagine what the battlefield will look like if two armies of warriors were to take matters into their own hands?

Angel said...

This has become almost as important to me as if it was my very own struggle. It should be a bit creepy that I'm this attached to someone else's sex life, but I actually found myself wondering if you were banging every waking minute over the past few days. And praying that you were. That your being naked and sweaty was why you hadn't posted... it's twisted, really. I can't remember what brought you to my mind.

And now, thanks to this post, I will likely spend the day thinking of the perfect songs to soundtrack it all. Dammit.

Ian Newbold said...

If it's swagger they need, perhaps they need rockstar sunglasses?

Ms. Moon said...

I have no suggestions on the proper soundtrack, although the theme from Rocky might do in a pinch.
I just love your writing, XBox. And seriously, I hope one of your warriors decides to breach the gates of the lovely, ripened egg. One. I said one.

RRP said...

What about The Doors, "Break on Through to the Other Side?"

Jo said...

Ok, I have to confess, I don't love it, I think it's icky. And squinky. Too squishy sounding.

Alright, I'm just a wimp.

Chaos said...

My vote is for The Doors "Break on Through to the other side". Very catchy, with some rockin shades. said...

Ha Ha Ha! Go Spencers Go! Get those blushing fashionistas now!

Russ said...

I'm with Chaos, "Break on through" is pretty good.

"Wank Warriors", you never cease to amaze me Xbox!

WhatAboutNovember said...

I am laughing so hard right now.

Reg said...

Good for ET! A girl's got to have limits!

Bonnie B. said...

Well, taking a cue from Single Parent Dad, Spencer's theme song should be that one-hit wonder called "My Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades." Who the hell sang that song anyway?

Anonymous said...

I feel so excited for you guys!!

I'm with RRP, The Doors!

Unknown said...

I was thinking more along the lines of the Rocky Theme song.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

"Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar

Sure-fire way to make it happen.

Russ said...

Hey Bonnie, that was Timbuk 3 (I'm sure the spelling is off)

Bluestreak said...

When is spence gonna learn that shy boys never get the goods? I think he's growing up though. This ain't junior high any more, boy.

Kori said...

I just like hearing the potential soundtrack songs. Classic.

Lea said...

Boy, it's a good thing ET is there to discourage such shenanigans! Sticky tape to the crotch sounds painful to say the least. :) Good luck with the back up plan.

Liz said...

I can't think why she has refused to music idea - particularly as the removal of said mp3 player would double up as a free bikini wax.

B said...

Don't play tubular bells anyways!

Jason Roth said...

I agree with RRP..."Break on through to the Other Side."

James (SeattleDad) said...

Maybe you should rename Spencer. I'm thinking 'Phelps' might do the trick. You'd be Golden.

AnnD said...

My vote is for "The Eye of the Tiger" too!

And I can just hear your spermies: "We've got a situation here! There are more of them than we can resist!" Hopefully ET's eggs will hunt them down and with so many eggs, they won't be able to swim away!

Bonnie B. said...

Thank you, Russ!! That was gonna bug the crap out of me all day.

And I think Timbuk Three Fitzgerald is a perfect name for a boy, don't you??

Sarah said...

I'm with Angie. Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar. Totally.

G said...

'Wank Warriors.' I love it :)

Best of luck this month, whichever theme music you decide on!

Martin said...

@hairyfarmerfamily - Queen makes me think of Ben Elton and 'we will rock you'and that makes me want to slice my ears off.
That great sperm race game is depressing, the C4 show that its based on was fascinating.

@Monty's Python - clever, very clever.

@Angel - Delightfully creepy!

@Single Parent Dad - Nice link!

@Ms. Moon - Well we've had as many attempts as rocky anyway!

@RRP - Thats more like it

@jothemama - gah, its womanhood!

@Chaos - dunno about the shades, it's dark in there.

@WiseGuy - fashionistas, class...!

@Russ - you are easily amazed!

@WhatAboutNovember - wee?

@Reg - a bit fussy if you ask me...

@Bonnie B. - Never ever heard of it

@Christa - easy now...!

@Diane - Well well well, Diane...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - and maybe one that the civilised world has heard of?

@Russ - not a clue?

@Bluestreak - perennial teenage dirtbag...

@Kori - heh...

@Lea - whimp!

@womb for improvement - my logic exactly

@B - I like the idea of that

@iVegasFamily - It's looking like a winner

@James - or stoned...

@AnnD - just have to wait and see.

@Bonnie B. - TT for short.

@Sarah - Don't encourage her

@G - Cheers!

River said...

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa...gasps for breath...HaHaHa.
I love how you've described those eggs, borrowing each others clothes, etc.
You know, maybe it is time Spencer stood aside and let one of the other swimmers have a go, perhaps the cocky young one who is always saying "it's my turn, let me do this, I can do this...."

frogpondsrock said...

Zombie eggs. Half a dozen clomidically cloned zombie eggs. Hmmm there seem to be an awful lot of Zombies lurking about the internetz lately..

Jane G said...

I'd go for the theme from Rocky myself.

All together now:

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a sperm and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive


Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a sperm and his will to survive

I Am Emily... said...

No, it's Ice Cube's 'You can do it'

"You can do it put your back into it, oh yeah I can do it put your a** into it..." lol

or maybe its more romantic...

Anonymous said...

Having read the lyrics to the Rocky theme tune maybe that would be a tad demorilising? "So many times, it happens too fast " implies a certain element of prematurity that I think isn't going to help anyone to stay in a positive frame of mind.

areyoukiddingme said...

First of all, The Doors...definitely The Doors.

Second, the Rocky theme (the one that really sticks in your brain and won't let go) is actually Gonna Fly Now. Many of your commenters have confused the signature Rocky theme with the Survivor travesty from the second or third movie. Eye of the Tiger. Uck.

Anyway, you have inadvertently hit upon a marketing tool, right up there with herbs and acupuncture: The transvaginal ultrasound wand with a you can have a soundtrack to encourage the ovaries! By the way, have you had your iPod taped to your testicles to motivate the troops BEFORE they enter the field? Great, I've just given myself a visual of the iPod stuck in a (generic) hairy butt crack with the earbuds stuck to testicles.

Finally, you're not missing anything if you've never heard that Timbuk 3 song.

Nicola said...

It's my first visit and I'm laughing like there's no tomorrow. Love the wank warriors bit. I vote for the Doors, throw in some shades and leather. You might want to try some fertility boosting meds to give your warriors more swagger.

Anonymous said...

Go boys!!!

Jo said...

Haa, Phelps! That's the problem, each month it's an episode of Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em inside ET.

Definitely, go with a rechristening.

Sarah said...

Whaaaat?! you've never heard of that song? Do you live under a rock or something?

Here you can at least read the lyrics.

"Well youre the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
Thats o.k., lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes, lets get down to it!
Hit me with your best shot!
Why dont you hit me with your best shot!
Hit me with your best shot!
Fire away!

You come on with a come on, you dont fight fair
But thats o.k., see if I care!
Knock me down, its all in vain
Ill get right back on my feet again!

Hit me with your best shot!
Why dont you hit me with your best shot!
Hit me with your best shot!
Fire away!

Well youre the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
Before I put another notch in my lipstick case
You better make sure you put me in my place

Hit me with your best shot!
Come on, hit me with your best shot!
Hit me with your best shot!
Fire away!

Hit me with your best shot!
Why dont you hit me with your best shot!
Hit me with your best shot!
Fire away!"

Amy said...

Perhaps Spencer could do a cover of Eye of the Tiger:
"One-eye of the Monster"...

Dondi Tiples said...

You have a whole society going about in there. Reminds me of the Sims.

Martin said...

@River - Bono the sperm?

@frogpondsrock - hehe.

@Jane G - Oh dear. we've lost you now too.

@Tanya - Put your ass into it? ...How did you ever get pregnant?

@bsouth - Sometimes, the speed is appreciated

@areyoukiddingme - You saying my arse is generic?

@Nicola - Like the ones you may sell on your website perhaps?

@purpleronnie3 - Heh... welcome.

@jothemama - And some, dont.
@Sarah - Nope, still sounds rubbish!

@Amy - Wonderfully filthy.

@Dondi Tiples - There's a game I could see taking the market by storm!

A Free Man said...

Wait til you get pregnant, I made Sinead sit with my iPod stereo on her belly every night playing the kid my favorite music. So, why not now?