Thursday 23 April 2009

It's okay

"I'm afraid to go to the toilet in case I miss it!" was the sole content of an email ET sent to me today.

Now that I have finally stopped shaking with laughter to the very cusp of cardiac arrest, I should clarify she was not referring to any new adventurous urination methods, but rather the much anticipated and agonised over delivery of her passport by registered post.

A passport that's needed, because Saturday, we head home again, for a week.

Due to the nature of the visit, we will be well and truly face to face with a pandemonium of small babies, a colony of expectant parents, and a squirm of well intended but not quite hitting the mark comments.

Those are the appropriate collective nouns. In my head at least.

Two months ago I would have been dreading it and packing the codeine, now, I'm not.

What's the difference between previous drug dulled visits and now? Everything is out in the open. There is no reason to hide away, no reason to make excuses to leave a room, no reason to not meet old friends.

The price to pay of being somewhat exposed is more than offset by the freedom that being open affords you in return.

If I try to picture the times when it has affected us, I keep finding they have been fuelled by the fact that we have a 'secret'. Something we're hiding, keeping to ourselves, something we're too afraid or ashamed to say.

In the end, we are talking about family and friends here, people who only want you to be happy.

It's not fair to deny them of their family, and their friends by hiding away or making them feel they can't outwardly enjoy their own good fortune. We all would, after all, trade places with them in a heartbeat.

When everyone knows the score, there's no more secret, and that dilutes the sting.

I'm not naive enough to think there won't still be moments where that mass in the pit of our stomachs will gain weight, announce it's presence, and make us wish ourselves hidden away again behind our own four walls, but for the most part, it will be okay.

It will.

(Next week might also bring a very interesting little adventure while I'm back home, so stay tuned, there may be more to follow. . .)


Putz said...

family and friends or is that fiends??????

Bluestreak said...

Enjoy your time at home. I know it isn't easy to be around people that are all beaming and shit. But I know you're gonna be beaming soon too.

Bonnie B. said...

You might wanna pack the drugs anyway, just to deaden the pain of the same stupid questions being asked for the 4,000th time, or the well-meaning advice that makes you want to gouge their eyes out. (Do I have family issues? What makes you ask that???)

Have a good time!

Womb For Improvement said...

So you don't go 'home ' for years, then twice in a few shortr months? Consistancy Xbox, that's all I ask for.

And am intriegued by your adventure.

Leslie Laine said...

I'm so glad you've come out of the closet. There's nothing like the freedom of that, and I will tell you that when you get your positive, it will be all the more wonderful and meaningful. You will find that your friends and family become your troop of sorts, and they will be all the more excited by your good news. Have a good trip.

Ian Newbold said...

Have a great trip back home.

Mo said...

wow, xbox. great attitude. i'm glad it helps to have things out in the open. enjoy the trip back to ireland. Mo

Jenni said...

safe travels. may being home bring you luck.

Claire said...

What kind of adventure??! Should I buy all the papers every day and Sky Plus RTE all day in case I miss it?

Ms. Moon said...

Secrets suck.

Misssy M said...

I think it's far healthier for you to be out in the open- I know it's a deeply personal issue (and yeah OK one you share with all these strangers on the interweb, know) but it must be a weight off your mind.

Previously close friends of ours pretty much lost touch with us for years because they were going through the same kind of thing you and ET are experiencing and didn't tell us why they couldn't face us all with our young families until they had undergone successful IVF. Really, for about 4 years they hid from us. I wish they'd told us before, because we just thought they couldn't be arsed with us any more. And it did hurt a little that they didn't confide in us...even though we understood why seeing us with our boy would be hard.

The way I see it a whole other bunch of folk (that happen to love you) rooting for you can only be a good thing.

(Thanks for you kind comment on that Spectator blog btw- was having a real crisis of confidence over a writing issue that is too boring to go into and your comment came at just the right time)

Anonymous said...

Have a great trip!!

Amber said...

We had a very peculiar case of infertility in the sense that it was the 3rd time we tried to conceive and couldn't. It was hard, no one knew what to say, and all in all it was lonely. Being on this side of that, I can empathize, but still don't know what to say when I'm around my struggling friends even though I am heart broken for them. I am hoping so hard for you guys to have your day soon. Have a great holiday.

Veronica said...

I'm looking forward to the adventure...

Karen MEG said...

You've got me intrigued about your adventure too.

It is somewhat freeing to be out in the open, so I'm glad that your family and friends know. And now, of course, starts a lot of unwanted assvice...where there's ying there's yang.

Have a wonderful trip home.

Anonymous said...

YOu've got me curious...I'll be watching for those potentially interesting (as if you are not ALWAYS interesting) potential stories????? DO enjoy yourselves!!!

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

You are finally coming out as a cross dresser?

Good for you.

Safe travels :) said...

Have fun in AyarLynd!

Now that you are exposed, you may perhaps get targetted by a slew of well meaning, ill-stated or bonky advice on what to do next....

Anyways, be good and share the adventure when you return.

All the best!

ME! said...

Have fun at home, and hopefully friends and family will tread lightly! Hope the passport came without problems. Can't wait to read your stories when you get back.

G said...

Hope she didn't miss it! :P

Looking forward to hearing about the Irish adventure...

Rygantron said...

From meeting the girlfriend at the bar and working together lo those many moons ago, we, and everyone we know from that place, knows of a kind of openness only drunken-confessions can reach.

Unfortunately, our fomer employers, husband & wife, have been trying for years to sire children, and are watching as every single former fucking employee is now either a parent or with child, and while they are handling their disappointment with as much fortitude as they can, you can see it's taking its toll.

Their transparency has fogged up, their hedonism has increased, and their life together has become a series of battles in which they blame each other for their situation.

It's an unhealthy cycle, and if I thought they would read it, I would turn them on to your blog to help them understand how to handle themselves with even the slightest bit of grace.

Wow. Just think: if this was actual snail-mail correspondence, I'd have killed three trees myself.


Love Ry

Martin said...

@Putz - Friends Mr Putz, friends!

@Bluestreak - it will be just fine, I know.

@Bonnie B. - Hehehehe, you sound like you need a break yourself!

@Womb For Improvement - Stay tuned ;-P

@Leslie Laine - I have already noticed that, the extra encouragement is great.

@Single Parent Dad - Cheers sir.

@Mo and Will - Thanks.

@Jenni - like the last 25 times? ;-)

@Claire - You should do that!
It wont help, but you should...

@Ms. Moon - Yes, they certainly do.

@Misssy M - Yes there is a difference between the anonymity here and people knowing.
But you have it spot on, it's not nice for anyone, to see people withdraw or pretend, both sides need to accept the way things are, hope for better and carry on.

You're welcome, meant it.

@Christa - Cheers creep.

@Amber - Yes, secondary infertility is a very starnge thing, people are much less sympathetic I think.
An element of 'just get on with it'.

@Veronica - Heh, we shall see.

@Karen MEG - stay tuned....

@hotmamamia - keep an eye out!

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - I've never dressed a cross in my life. Blasphemous.

@WiseGuy - Will do!

@Lorza - It arrived, just in time!

@G - heh, watch this space.

@Ryan Lawson - Yours & Missy's comments above are great.
That's exactly what I don't want to happen, if this never comes to a happy ending I still want some sliver of joy to remain.
Hiding it only withers you.

Hope all's well on your side there.

Angel said...

What a great attitude. I do think it will be a better visit than recent ones because you're right, it's out in the open now. And they do love you and want the best for you. Family and friends can help you carry the frustration and sadness, you know. You don't always have to do it alone.

My fingers are totally crossed for the "stay tuned" part. Well, they will be when I'm through typing!

B said...

You need a passport to return here? What's that about?

Anonymous said...

Good luck. Hoping for interesting adventureness.

I found having my family know all about it a mixed blessing. It's nice to not hide, or guard our words, or fake cheeriness or try and think of snappy answers. On the other hand, my family were raised by wolves - peculiarly sadistic ones at that - and specialise in drive-by WTF-ery. Be aware that even people who know the score can be complete dicks about it. And if your family aren't, well, I am envious now. Oh, yes. Let's make this all about MEEEEEE. I'm shutting up now. Zipped.

Mmmmm mm mmmmm. Mmmmmmm mmmmm mm mmmmm mm mmmm.

Lorna said...

Hope you do find it a lot easier this time with it 'being out in the open' - hope you have a great time and all goes well and that you have great fun in that childhood bed!
Interested in finding out about his upcoming adventure!

James (SeattleDad) said...

Hopefully those folks will all be much more understanding about it than you give them credit for. That would make it all go so much easier.

Good luck.

Amy said...

Sounds like it is okay. Enjoy the trip.

I Am Emily... said...

You are doing really well, thats all I can say.

Insch Stalker said...

Misssy's interview on PS and her blog made me come over here.

hope the "out in the open with it all" trip has gone well. Most people are pretty good when they know - most of our friends were great, and I know there were many tears when we announced we were expecting. Our wee lad is now 16 weeks old (gonal f injections + IUI after clomid, and tamoxifen failed). I so hope that it happens for you soon.

The waiter post made me laugh - fertility treatment really feels like that at times, so good luck xxx

PatMan said...

I sit at the other side of the fence as it were having lost a child in his young years... Therefore I kinda understand the beaming, happy sliming faces routine... When a part seems to be missing (in our case here)... I know that you guys will do fab & indeed an adventure may await your visit ... Geeze you can still find a corner somewhere to hide away together... Take care guys..

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm late again. I hope it is all ok. I hate going home if that helps.

Martin said...

@Angel - Yep, It was much better than before.

@B - Thats the recession for ya

@nutsinmay - heh, they are fine, honestly ;-)

@Lorna - now you know!

@James - they are good, great even.

@Amy - It is, thanks

@Tanya - Cheers!

@Insch Stalker - Congratulations on the success! and welcome.

@PatMan - I know what you mean, thanks.

@bsouth - It was fine!