Tuesday 19 July 2011

His cat's black & white you know...

Fantasy worlds are a wondrous thing.

Some of you are currently living in the dying world of Harry Potter, entranced by spells and wands and magic. Others are loitering about impatiently waiting for a similar journey into the world of the Hobbit, holding Lord of the Rings marathons just to get you through the days before you venture once more towards Mordor.

Many of you live in the past, or future, depending on the depth of your scorn upon those who live in the world of Star Wars, dreaming dreams full of lightsabers, planet Kashyyk, and characters with names that double as slang for self abuse.

In our house we live in yet another world. A simpler world, with simpler heroes, simpler adventures. A certain little girl has developed a fascination with all the goings on in the animated world of Greendale.

Greendale is home to its local hero Pat Clifden. Pat is a postman, a role that has earned him the witty title of ‘Postman Pat’. Pat enthralls us with daily adventures in his wee red van, always accompanied by his sidekick Jess. A bloody cat.

Now, if we put aside the madness of a feline assistant, even in an unofficial capacity, Pat just doesn’t cut it as a postman.

In fact, Pat is without doubt the most useless postman on the planet. Considering I’ve discovered that in real life we never get any post delivered when it rains, to bestow such a title on Greendale’s fictional Postman Pat is no throwaway gift. While I’m sure the intention of his creators was to provide fodder for his daily adventures, I’m yet to see Pat successfully deliver a parcel in one piece. If Scottish terriers aren’t running off with Indian charms destined for a school show n’tell, or the bats (yes, bats) he has to deliver haven’t flown off somewhere, then he is too busy stopping Vicar-driven runaway trains to actually deliver any bloody post.

Even with this incompetence on display, I can’t tear the child’s eyes away from this televisual massacre. Or Pat’s incessant humming.

The theme song insists that ‘Pat feels he’s a really happy man’, well yes, so would you be if you were so thick as to make your cat seem the brightest intellect on your postal round, and yet you manage to retain your position with the national postal service. Either the creators have missed a beat with that one, or I’ve just missed the episode where it’s revealed Pat has photographic evidence of his CEO in a compromising position with a penguin. And several cabinet backbenchers.

My torment doesn’t stop with the star of the show, Greendale’s other residents have to be seen to believed. There is the Indian family with the surname ‘Baines’. Of the New Delhi Baines no doubt. I really hope that bizarre choice of surname to be a nod towards the fact that whenever I attempt a Welsh accent it ends up sounding Indian.

The town’s carless, not careless, doctor is Welsh, the decrepit Post Mistress is Scottish, and the rest of Greendale’s inhabitants all have accents from every corner of Britain and beyond, making it undoubtedly the most diverse town on the planet with a population of 14, every one of which my daughter simply adores.

Without Postman Pat humming like a simpleton in the background morning, noon, and night it’s quite the challenge to stop our beloved offspring going ballistic.

All of this I can cope with, just. It might very well be eroding the part of my brain that keeps me from attempting to climb up a tree in a sleeping bag but all these irritations I can live with.

All except for one.

The doorbells. Being a series based around the concept of delivering post, ‘Postman Pat’ sees a lot of doorbells being rung. This in itself would be fine, if it weren’t for the fact every doorbell in Greendale sounds exactly the same, and more importantly, exactly the same as ours. As a result, since my dear daughter’s obsession with this animated atrocity has started, I’ve spent about 30% of my days running to the front door or peering out windows for no good reason.

Screw you Postman Pat, you incompetent humming bastard, screw you.


Veronica said...

Ha, yes. Postman Pat is not our favourite TV show (although my father used to sing "postman Pat and his flattened white cat" a nod to the fact that the cat ought to have been hit by a car years ago).

Postman Pat Special Delivery is even worse. You think he's bad with a van? Try watching him pilot a helicopter.

Buck said...

I was sure my Reader was smoking crack but it appears it is actually posting, and with a hint of regularity. Splendid.

AnnB said...

At least it's not Barney now that is penance! Have you seen this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfuLFBQTo4U

Russ said...

Time to change your doorbell chime! Also, I think that all child story tellers, be they TV or book, must be on some sort of hallucinogen.

Muddling Along said...

Its the theme tune I can't stand - find it stuck in my brain for days afterwards and refuses to budge

At least we don't have a doorbell

Kim said...

Ugh, if only they would come out with programmable models so that we could control their entertainment preferences. In our house its Dinosaur Train. Try getting that theme song out of your head. Although, the flip side is that I hope the image of him dancing to said theme song is stuck in there forever.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...


OMG now I have that goddamned song stuck in my head.


*heavily edited as the expletives even made me blush*

Ms. Moon said...

What, what, what? You're posting again? Dang, boy! You didn't send me an invitation and I am pissed off! Not really. I'm just happy to see you writing again.
Love to all in your world...Ms. Moon

Jane G said...

Could be worse. Wait til she discovers the purple maggot Barney. Now he's one annoying bastard.

Good to have you back.

merinz said...

Try Maisy DVDs, they are marginally better than postman pat.
Good to see you back again!

Alexicographer said...

Delighted to discover you're posting again. Kipper the dog is what you need, methinks, but meanwhile, just be grateful that -- I surmise -- you don't have dogs.

Many years ago, my dog took deep offense to the fact that on the game show "Ben Stein's Money" the bell the competitors used to ring in sounded just like a standard doorbell -- obviously a sign that some stranger is approaching our home and must be Barked At. We watched the show regularly; the (genuinely lovely) dog would growl if ever he heard Ben Stein's voice even after the show no longer played -- e.g. if the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off was on TV. Pavlov would have been so pleased.

Susanica said...

Yeah! You're back! Sorry I don't know Postman Pat but our boys do love one of your European exports--Fireman Sam! (Sadly I just typed Fireman Dan which I blame on my firstborn.) Ah well. I agree with the poster who suggested a new doorbell chime. But you'd never be forgiven. You know that right? One year olds do not suffer fools!

steph said...

Just spent some happy time catching up with the adventures of Sanne and relishing your return to the blogosphere... warmest welcome back!

Martin said...

@Veronica - Yes, his promotion to special delivery service was also questioned here.

@Buck - crack reader, google's next launch.

@AnnB - Barney is banned. That's quite funny.

@Russ - druggies, the LOT of them

@Muddling Along - Dum dum dum dum dum dum....

@Kim - Never heard of it, hope I never do by the sounds of it.

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - It's good for you

@Ms. Moon - Just dipping a toe in :-)

@Jane G - Never, ever, ever...

@merinz - I think it's straight onto Criminal Minds from Postman Pat.

@Alexicographer - If ever there was a reincarnation of Pavlov's dog, brilliant.

@Susanica - Pat & Sam are similar, just Pat is useless. If Sam is a fraction as incompetent, many people will die.

@steph - thank you.